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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why cant he see what hes doing?

47 replies

Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 15:38

Me and DH are in our 30's have been together for 15 years, married 10 and we have two boys.

We split up last year for a few months, things werent working we were arguing daily and i didnt want things to start effecting the kids so he moved out, it was a really horrible time for me and the kids. He saw them regularly but my oldest took it hard. We still loved each other and decided to let the past go and move forward together. We didnt tell the kids straight away, we decided to see how things went with us first and we gradually got back to being happy again so he moved back in.

Its now 6 months later and were back to square one, all the things he promised to change last year hes still doing so this has turned me back into this bitter angry person who I didnt want to be ever again. Hes told me he doesnt know how he feels anymore as i always seem in a mood and making him feel down.... well i am because hes constantly doing things that make me feel down. Why cant he see he's the one that's caused this?

I dont know what to say to get through to him that if he just stopped doing these things then id be happy? 'These things' being drugs and being with his friends more than a family man should want to be. I just feel so unimportant.

I know if i was reading this then id be telling the person to leave him but i really dont want to do that. Thats what i did before, and after all that we went through he still hasnt changed. I dont want us to split up, i love him, I just want him to respect me enough as the woman he married and the mother of his kids to put me before a plant!

Anyone else been on the brink with a selfish DH and hes eventually changed?

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 31/01/2019 16:41

Your children must know what is going on which will affect them.

He can stop yet chooses not to. He likes this lifestyle more than the family life you think he should.

Original poster

Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 16:42

I know your all right but if i do this i cant go back. I dont want to confuse the kids by daddy leaving again so if this is the end i need to make sure ive done all i can.

He doesnt do it anywhere near the house i dont allow it and its after the kids are in bed so they dont come into contact with him but as they get older i know they will eventually figure it out. I dont want this drug in my families life i just want my husband back.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 16:45

If you went to alanon, families of alcoholics, is there similar for na? They tell you withdraw, not as a punishment or threat but with love, to concentrate on yourself. You are probably locked in a co dependent cycle of enabling, fixing, making up for, trying to change, excusing, blaming, denying. It eats you alive, it might be worth it if it helped but it does no good. Leave him to it op. He will stop when he is ready but it may not be in time.

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 16:47

Couples counselling is not a treatment for addiction.

Original poster

Confused2009 · 31/01/2019 16:52

Bumper i feel like i listened, because i changed things he wasnt happy with. However he said he didnt need me to tell him and list what i wasnt happy with as he was aware of what he needed to do. He struggles a lot with talking about feelings and hashing out problems he says it causes him anxiety.

I'm going to talk with him tonight and suggest the NA group see what he thinks.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 31/01/2019 17:20

OP your husband doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want to admit his addiction is negatively affecting your relationship and his family and his career and health! Addicts only care about themselves and their drug of choice. I recommend you go to Narcotics anonymous alone if necessary or find counseling of some sort. I cannot imagine the stress his addiction is causing. Best wishes.

BlueVelvet16 · 31/01/2019 17:35

Good luck encouraging him to attend NA OP. He won’t have to talk if he doesn’t want to, can just sit and listen. It’s not like it looks in the movies. Even if he hates it at first - just being in the room is a big deal and might help him to realise what he needs to do. There Will most likely be other people there addicted to cannabis too.

some NA meetings are also available to loved ones of addicts, and your local drugs/alcohol service should have a session for families too. Perhaps if you considered attending yourself it might give you the strength and community to take the next steps to help your family recover- however that may be.

Beelzebop · 02/02/2019 03:13

If he had to choose at the moment, you would lose. If he refuses to move forward, and show proof, of visiting NA and GP I think that he / you should leave.

Weenurse · 02/02/2019 03:50

Is he depressed and self medicating?

AgentJohnson · 02/02/2019 04:52

Come on OP, he’s been an addict for a long time, the question isn’t ‘why can’t he see?’ but rather, “why can’t you see that he’s a selfish twat who doesn’t want to change’.

He knows you well enough to know that a few empty promises is all it takes to keep you in the relationship.

Do not waste even more of your children’s childhood wringing your hands and being shouty. Accept him for who he is and not who you desperately want him to be.

The ball is and always has been, in your court.

Coyoacan · 02/02/2019 05:01

I think you might get an idea of what you are up against if you went to an Al Anon group, OP .

I'm a tobacco addict and I'm ashamed to say I put my addiction above everything else. You can't change him.

Original poster

Confused2009 · 02/02/2019 05:19

He says he isn’t going to a group or the GP because he can stop on his own. I’ve heard it all before. I now have a decision to make.

OP posts:

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 02/02/2019 05:31

What drug is it he takes?

Original poster

Confused2009 · 02/02/2019 06:00

He smokes weed, some people don’t consider it to be that bad but I do, it changes him and takes priority over everything.

OP posts:

cushioncuddle · 02/02/2019 06:22

I think you need to call time on the relationship.

You don't love him , you are in love with the person you want him to be and unfortunately that is going to happen.

He either doesn't think you'll leave him and doesn't care if it is hurting you, so carries on taking the drugs.

Or he can't because he's is addicted to them but doesn't want to face it or give up.

He says he can give up anytime but doesn't. He's feeding you a line.

cushioncuddle · 02/02/2019 06:23

Unfortunately that isn't *

another20 · 02/02/2019 06:31

This is a whole family issue whilst he is in the home and will afffected all of you more and more deeply every day.

He is emotionally detached from you and your boys when he smokes, whilst he is hungover and the hours he is preoccupied itching to get on with the next fix. So he is not “there” in any real sense for your DCs 24/7. They will feel this emotional deficit and it will impact them directly - as much as the negative physical role model that they see and hear everyday that PP described.

Worse though is that they loose both their parents to it as well. You will change and become more and more distracted, preoccupied, drained, exhausted, angry, bitter, naggy, shouty - at the end of your tether trying to manage and deal with him - but this is what your DCs then have as parents - one not emotionally (and physically present) and the other raging, angry, exhausted, preoccupied bitter.

Is that the mother you want to be?

Don’t let him do this to you. Your DCs deserve more than this. They need their lovely, cheerful Mum back in calm and peaceful home. Your marriage is over. He has shown time and time again that he will not change - so he needs to leave.

We all have a finite amount of emotional energy at our disposal - you can fritter yours away negativity being angry, bitter, hurt, frustrated in conflict with the addict and have none left to nurture the DCs that need your emotional energy more than ever (as the only have one parent potentially emotionally tuned in) - or your detach from the emotional leach and turn to your boys and give them all your positive emotional energy.

I and many others have been where you are now - do not let him make you becomr that ugly, exhausted, angry Mum - because that’s what your DC will see/hear/feel/absorb even if it isn’t directed at them. You will waste years and years of their precious childhood directing your energy to the wrong place.

namechangedtoday1 · 02/02/2019 08:11

I split with my husband 8 months ago. Looking back now he had an alcohol problem before we married. He had knocked. Most of it on the head but substituted with tablets much of the time. Also suffers depression but not sure what causes what to be honest. It took a specific event to end it but I should have done it way before. I was trapped in a cycle of 'nagging' because he did bugger all at home and suspicion because I could never trust him. He also didn't seem to see how him lying to me for many years lead to me with drawing from the marriage emotionally. The moment he left a weight lifted off the house. I am so much happier and I am sure that fees to the children as well.

I have also been adamant that I would never go back - he knew my thoughts and hasn't been able to keep sober in the 11 years of trying. Even if he managed 6/12 months (which he can do) there is no guarantee it would last and I'm not putting the children in a back and forth situation.

namechangedtoday1 · 02/02/2019 08:13

@another20

Just read your post properly and yes you have said what I struggled to get out on paper. I am not a better parent for them because I'm not worn down with him!

emilybrontescorsett · 02/02/2019 08:20

I ageee with what's been said.
He promised to do the things you asked and he hasn't.
I think the only option is to leave him.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2019 11:58

He has made his choice

Now you need to make yours

merville · 02/02/2019 13:51

It's not that he can't see, he won't.

Ultimately he's selfish and doesn't want to give up what he enjoys, smoking dope and hanging out with his mates like a single teenage pot-head)which is another huge thing that is being mostly overlooked in this thread ie that he is not meeting his responsibilities in being a fully engaged, responsible, functional dad and family man; you're doing far far more than your fair share of the work and responsibility.

He has a v convenient excuse for not discussing things as well,vwith you of a counsellor - makes him anxious, invasion of privacy etc.

We if someones an addict and they won't get help and trying to do it themselves doesn't work (as it never seems to), BV what are you left with; no option but to do right by yourself and your kids.

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