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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner will not help with DD? At my wits end 😭

72 replies

Rosiesmama2016 · 30/01/2019 19:30

So my partner and I have been together a year and a half and we live together with my 3 year old dd. Whenever I ask him for help with dd he has a go at me saying I was the one who decided to have her so I'll have to get on with it. She adores him like he's her own dad but I feel like it's getting to the point where I'd be in exactly the same situation if I was on my own. I have to get her up, give her breakfast before I go to work, dress her and take her to my parents house why he stays in bed until 4pm because he works 3 nights a week and refuses to come to bed before 3 any other day. Tonight has just made me question the entire relationship. I have been ill since yesterday, I got up did the usual and went to work. When I got home I sorted tea out and asked my partner help with the bed time routine but he'd rather sit on his Xbox and have a go at me if I bring it up because "she's not my daughter" I am getting to the point where I feel like he's just lodging in my house. Am I being ridiculous asking for some help? He never has to have her during the day/over night. Can anyone please give me some advice? I have never been with anyone but him and my dd's father so I don't know if I'm asking too much or he's being unfair. Thank you!

OP posts:

Coronapop · 30/01/2019 20:49

No point him being there if he doesn't want to be part of your family. It's just creating more stress.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2019 20:53

I am getting to the point where I feel like he's just lodging in my house.

Tell him to leave.

Where was he living before?

He started off brilliantly with her but lately he just doesn't seem to care at all about anyone but himself

Do you mean he used to help with her or that he took more of an interest in her?

He works with kids himself and has done for years.

Might be why he's got no interest as it seems like work for him.

How old is he?

There are men who would be keen to take a stepdad role. He's not one of them.

Tell him the relationship isn't working for you. No need to go into detail ..he'll only step up for a while then revert.

He doesn't want to be a dad...that's okay...but it doesn't work for you...so you need to end it.

nancy75 · 30/01/2019 20:54

You deserve better, and even if you don’t believe you deserve better your daughter definitely does
Get rid of him.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2019 20:58

As he works with kids...he would have had a DBS anyway. That just shows there is nothing on record that shows he's unsuitable or unsafe to work with kids.

It won't show you he will be keen to help you out.

I wonder if you thought he'd be good with DD as he works with kids.

RicStar · 30/01/2019 21:00

If I go to stay with friends I help out with their kids (and vice versa). This man is living with you, meant to love you and want to build a life together. I don't think he is a keeper.

CupoBlood · 30/01/2019 21:20

When someone tells you who they are, listen!

Giesabreak · 30/01/2019 21:24

How did you get a DBS check done on him?

bethy15 · 30/01/2019 21:33

What job does he do with children at night?

Your daughter has to come first in this, and the way he's behaving towards her is awful and will affect her in the future if she has to live with a man who won't acknowledge her and says she's pretty much worthless as she's not his.
And god forbid you have a child with him, your DD will be shafted by his actual child.

And no, to Sandy, he doesn't have to want to parent her, but he sees the woman he's supposed to love struggling as she's ill and he wouldn't even help her at all. What's he doing there in that house then?

And why is he sitting on his game while you're cooking and shouting at you?

What are you doing together? He's giving you absolutely nothing here. I'm guessing there's no lovely family days out or anything, as he doesn't want anything to do with your DD.

It's your place, get him out of your lives.

ladybee28 · 30/01/2019 21:42

"he doesn't want anything to do with your DD"

That's not actually said anywhere in the OP – she says he won't help with parenting duties. There is more to being in a child's life than breakfast and bathtime...

I very much doubt OP will be back now, which is a shame as I'd much prefer to hear more context from her than from PPs filling in the blanks from their outraginations.

bethy15 · 30/01/2019 21:45

I was the one who decided to have her so I'll have to get on with it

That doesn't sound like someone who wants this child in his life to me.

Nothisispatrick · 30/01/2019 21:48

What job does he do with children at night

My friend is a nurse who does residential care for disabled children over night. That’s the only thing I can think of.

He sounds useless op, get rid. He is not interested in being part of a family.

TheVanguardSix · 30/01/2019 21:51

I am getting to the point where I feel like he's just lodging in my house.

Allow me to do the strikethrough for you:

I am getting to the point where I feel like he's just lodging in my house.

That's better. And I totally agree with you, OP. He IS just lodging at your house. And he's a shit lodger at that. And your poor DD. It hurts you. Imagine how she must feel. What a vibe he gives off. You know what you need to do.

LittleMissCantbebothered · 30/01/2019 21:58

Let me tell you this.

I was once a little girl. My mum was single. She moved her boyfriend in when I was three years old.

That man never spoke to me, never interacted with me, ignored me. When I was crying in bed for my mum, he would come up to my bedroom and tell me to shut up. My mum had two children with him who were treated so much better - he would come home with two of everything and I was always left out. I was so unwanted. I hated that man. He lived with us until I was 16!

I have never forgiven my mum for moving a man in who clearly didn't want me there and resented my presence. How a mother can allow a man to treat her child like that is beyond me. You and your child cone as a package.

I have three if my own children now, and it makes me dislike my mum even more for allowing him to treat me as inferior to her or his own children. I simply cannot see how anyone would allow it.

Tell him to move out and do right by your child.

Bacciferous · 30/01/2019 22:01

I'm a step parent and if I behaved like that I would be quite rightly kicked out, he doesn't deserve to have your little one in his life (and she certainly doesn't deserve him for that matter)

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 22:02

Brazenhussy I don't think posts are white noise or over dramatic just because people are saying things you don't agree with, it is just a kindness to help your partner out and not shout she's not my kid while he sits on a playstation the guy sounds an utter knob.

Shikah · 30/01/2019 22:06

If you stay together and have a child he will treat them completely differently. He's a dick and it's a non starter. Dump him.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2019 22:07

Being ill is a red herring. He's not interested in parenting your child. Tbh I hear the same about biological dads. they are lazy. That's the crux of it.

Except he has the excuse of saying it's not his child...so he doesn't have to do it.

Being ill has just highlighted the issue...but you want him to help with waking her up...breakfast.....dressing her...taking her to your mums and bedtime routine.

He didn't sign up for that. He assumed you would carry on doing it all and he wasn't moving in to share the responsibility with you.

It was a bit naive of him. This is why the phrase "taking on her kids" is used.

Don't let depression be an excuse not to tell him to leave. It's used as an excuse for bad behaviour far too often these days.

bethy15 · 30/01/2019 22:09

My friend is a nurse who does residential care for disabled children over night. That’s the only thing I can think of.

This is the only thing I could think of, but from the OPs description of him and him not helping her even when she was ill, I couldn't get the two to fit, because surely he would have a bit of compassion for his partner struggling and know what to do?

Nothisispatrick · 30/01/2019 22:11

bethy15

Absolutley, I don’t think he does that (I hope not).

dragonsfire · 30/01/2019 22:15

Oh my goodness this is a big problem it’s nothing to do with the fact he doesn’t want to be a parent. It’s being a nice person my best friend is a single mum and you know when she is ill I have taken the kids for the night m, we feed and take them to school the next day to help her out as she is my friend and I care about her!

This man is supposed to be in love with you but won’t help out when your sick.

I think you need to get him out your house, he doesn’t love you or your DD just the warm roof over his head!

Goodluck

TheClitterati · 30/01/2019 22:54

You need to get rid of him & quick.

How can you have someone in your life who treats your dd like this?

Angrybird345 · 31/01/2019 05:46

Kick him out!

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