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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner will not help with DD? At my wits end 😭

72 replies

Rosiesmama2016 · 30/01/2019 19:30

So my partner and I have been together a year and a half and we live together with my 3 year old dd. Whenever I ask him for help with dd he has a go at me saying I was the one who decided to have her so I'll have to get on with it. She adores him like he's her own dad but I feel like it's getting to the point where I'd be in exactly the same situation if I was on my own. I have to get her up, give her breakfast before I go to work, dress her and take her to my parents house why he stays in bed until 4pm because he works 3 nights a week and refuses to come to bed before 3 any other day. Tonight has just made me question the entire relationship. I have been ill since yesterday, I got up did the usual and went to work. When I got home I sorted tea out and asked my partner help with the bed time routine but he'd rather sit on his Xbox and have a go at me if I bring it up because "she's not my daughter" I am getting to the point where I feel like he's just lodging in my house. Am I being ridiculous asking for some help? He never has to have her during the day/over night. Can anyone please give me some advice? I have never been with anyone but him and my dd's father so I don't know if I'm asking too much or he's being unfair. Thank you!

OP posts:

smartiecake · 30/01/2019 19:56

Is it your house? Your name? If so pack his stuff while he is at work. Change the locks. Block him. You and your DD deserve better. Dont settle for this selfish excuse of a 'partner'

MrsJayy · 30/01/2019 19:57

And even if he has depression your dd doesn't have to live with him not giving a shit i would ask him to find somewhere else to live and you can stil see him if you want

lunar1 · 30/01/2019 19:59

Get him out, it's not a healthy environment for your DD.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/01/2019 20:00

I just love the way people will attribute any
old shitty behaviour to depression

I'm with anyfucker...

He's a cocklodger, fuck him off.

MaterialisticMandy · 30/01/2019 20:07

Tricky. He isn't her dad so I understand that it may be difficult for him to do the childcare of dd. He might feel conflicted or unsure of his role.

However he sounds selfish and uncaring towards you. How much houseworkdoes he do around the home? Does he prepare meals etc?

Mostly is he just a positive happy adult role model around your dd? Doesn't sound like it.

Brazenhussy0 · 30/01/2019 20:08

Would you let him discipline her? Would you allow him a say in how she is brought up and what house rules are adhered to?
If the answer to those questions are 'no' then you can't expect him to only pitch in when it suits you. If you want him to co-parent with you then it needs to be equal on all fronts.

I'm a stepmum, and I make sure my DP takes care of his own children because they are his responsibility. I help out when I choose to because I like the kids and want the best for them, but if he started asking me to put them to bed when I'm busy doing something else, or demanded I do any of the grunt work that he should be doing (under threat of him ending the relationship), then we'd be having serious words.

Aside from that, what's more worrying is that you say - I feel like it's getting to the point where I'd be in exactly the same situation if I was on my own.
Does he help out in other ways? Pay towards bills? Take on his share of the housework? It sounds like he isn't meeting your expectations with your daughter, but surely he brings something else to the relationship? Or is a co-parent all you want from a relationship?

You have to understand, he isn't your DD's biological father and he does not and cannot love your daughter the way you do. I know that's harsh to hear, but you need to keep that in mind and try to view it from his perspective. You're expecting him to take responsibility for a child that isn't his... would you be able to do that?

Alternatively of course, you could listen to the MN Massive and LTB.
Your choice.

Cupcakequeen18 · 30/01/2019 20:09

He has to go!!!
He knew you had a DD and if he can't handle living as a family unit he needs to leave. Sounds very selfish IMO and you and your DD deserve better

ladybee28 · 30/01/2019 20:09

Did you make it clear you were looking for a stepfather for your daughter as well as a partner before he moved in? And what your expectations and desires were in that area? And what's the rest of your relationship like? What's the rest of his relationship with HER like? Does he play with her? Talk to her? If she adores him like a father, he's clearly not totally ignoring her...

I can't help but notice there's no mention of any other elements of your relationship in your OP... it does read a little bit like you moved him in so you wouldn't have to parent alone...

"I feel like it's getting to the point where I'd be in exactly the same situation if I was on my own. I have to get her up, give her breakfast before I go to work, dress her and take her to my parents house..."

Well, yes. She IS your daughter. He CAN choose to help, and many partners of people with kids (myself included) get involved in a very hands-on way.

But others don't. The parent takes responsibility for their child and they have a relationship with their partner in order to have a relationship with a partner, not in order to have a co-parent. That needs to be discussed and made clear so everyone knows what to expect.

And although I'm now (2.5 years in) much more involved with my DSS, I don't consider myself a "stepmother" just because I live with my partner and his son. The role of 'step-parent' is a HUGE ask, and it takes a long time to get there. It doesn't just automatically switch on once you get a set of keys, and there's a massive emotional learning curve for everyone involved, no matter how well-intentioned everyone is.

He doesn't sound like he's speaking to you in a respectful way about it, and that's also absolutely not on. You should be able to ask for help if you need it, but before that it sounds like you could both do with setting some clear expectations... (and maybe posting this on the Step-parenting boards for a more balanced set of views – anything 'step' related gets WILD out here)

Speaking of which, since I'm going against the grain a bit, I'm going to duck and cover now...

SandyY2K · 30/01/2019 20:09

He's not interested in being a stepdad, which is his prerogative... but his presence in your home will ultimately have a negative impact on your DD.

So it's best he moves out. If you're looking for a stepdad...it's not him. Is her father in her life at all?

Whothere · 30/01/2019 20:10

How would he treat her if he was looking after her on his own eg you went out for the evening? You couldn’t trust him could you. It sounds as if he really resents her presence.

Brazenhussy0 · 30/01/2019 20:18

@ladybee28 No need to duck and cover. There's at least two of us thinking along the same lines. I'm just hoping the OP can read through all the over-dramatic white noise that usually arrives on threads about step-families...

bobstersmum · 30/01/2019 20:19

Two reasons he's a knob head, xbox, and saying that he's not helping because you chose to have her. Your daughter alone deserves better, but so do you.

Drum2018 · 30/01/2019 20:22

You and your dd deserve better. Get him out asap. You owe him nothing.

LovingLola · 30/01/2019 20:23

Why oh why will women insist on saying their children ‘adore’ the usually shiftless useless feckless men that are moved into their homes??? And who - more often than not - move out again a couple of years later, leaving behind another baby....

Brazenhussy0 · 30/01/2019 20:23

It sounds as if he really resents her presence

If that was the case I doubt DSD would be so fond of him. The OP has told us literally nothing about how he interacts with her daughter. All we know is that he isn't prepared to take on a parenting role - which is completely fair enough.
He doesn't resent the DSD, but it does sound like he resents being asked to take on responsibility that isn't his.

ohfourfoxache · 30/01/2019 20:23

Wow, isn’t he a catch

Just get rid- you’re already looking after 1 child, you don’t need a man-child as well

SandyY2K · 30/01/2019 20:24

@ladybee28

I agree with you.
I also think if he had the child and you posted as him...the responses would be very different.

"He's looking for a maid"

"He wants free childcare"

"It's his kid"

If you want a stepdad, you should have made that clear to him. You cannot assume that him wanting a relationship with you..means he wants to play dad.

He may wonder why he has to step up and her dad isn't stepping up.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2019 20:28

Just get rid- you’re already looking after 1 child, you don’t need a man-child as well

He doesn't need looking after. He just doesn't want to be a parent....and he's not.

If you wanted an extra pair of hands...he is not your man.

mummmy2017 · 30/01/2019 20:32

You don't need to be a parent to help someone when they are ill or stressed.
I put a coat on a child in a shop the other day because the mum had a baby in her arms and it was raining.
Because nice and helping should be normal if you live with someone who has a child.. saying no their not my child and playing games just makes you selfish

gamerchick · 30/01/2019 20:32

You made a mistake but fortunately this is a mistake you can fix.

Or you can make a mental note on how many times he tells her she's not his daughter before you act.

Gardenhappy4 · 30/01/2019 20:33

Op did you say he works nights?
How long has he been working them and how long are the hours?

Whothere · 30/01/2019 20:35

I wouldn’t take any notice of the fact the child supposedly ‘adores’ him. For some reason that is always the phrase used about shit stepfathers.

Honeybee79 · 30/01/2019 20:41

He sounds bloody awful. Get him out.

ladybee28 · 30/01/2019 20:44

@mummmy2017 – "You don't need to be a parent to help someone when they are ill or stressed.

I put a coat on a child in a shop the other day because the mum had a baby in her arms and it was raining."

You're totally right, and that was lovely of you, AND it's a bit different when you're living with someone full-time and no boundaries and expectations have been established.

And even more so when your partner can't see any point in being with you unless you co-parent their child...

Windgate · 30/01/2019 20:47

I'm not the type of person to just move anyone in with myself and my daughter. actually you are and you have. You can't DBS check potential partners either.
Time to tell the lodger to move out.

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