Why do all my partners leave me? What's wrong with me?

[frankiesamson]

I'm almost in my 40s, and every relationship I've ever had, he left me within 2 years.

What's wrong with me?

Throughout my life, reasons they gave are either, "I'm not in love with u anymore", "I met someone else & fell in love, I'm sorry.", "we just aren't working out", "I did love you & know I said I wanted to be with you forever but I changed my mind, I'm sorry", "I know I said I wanted to marry u last week but I was young & stupid then. I'm thinking clearly now. I'm not attracted to u anymore." (Yes this did happen with one, after 2 years together with no warning!), and sometimes no reason given. I often discover after the split up that the reasons they gave aren't truthful, and there's usually something completely different.

I'd say around 50% of them ask for me back after a few months. When they want me back they change their tune & give completely different excuses for the split up... stress at work... a blip... a mistake...

My most recent relationship ended after 2 years & him asking me to marry him one day- a week later he left me because he's "unnattracted to me"- later it turned out he had in fact met someone behind my back & left me for him. Fast forward a few months, she cheated on him & he wanted me back & said he was always attracted to me- he just made a big mistake. I made him took him but but since then he hasn't been the same - says he loves me but I don't see it in his behaviour anymore. V distant.

I'm just so tired of it all. What's wrong with me? The ratio of me splitting up with guys vs them leaving me is 0-100.

The types I've been with are almost all different races, cultural backgrounds, and personalities... so I'm not going for the same type each time.

Sorry for the bad grammar!

*left me for her

I'm just so tired of it all. What's wrong with me?

Nothing. Most relationships end. Very few relationships become long term or life partners. That's what makes a good relationship as special thing.

Plenty of people are in long term relationships that are utterly shit and can't/won't/are too scared to leave. You only have to spend half an hour on this board looking at the threads to realise plenty of people in relationships are not happy.

The ratio of me splitting up with guys vs them leaving me is 0-100.

You say that but are any of these guys men you Really wanted a long term future with. Did you really see yourself rocking on the porch in your 80s waiting for the grandkids? Or is it more " meh! I kind of liked them. I wasn't really bothered, but now he's dumped me, I'm affronted so I've decided I can't live without him/want him back* ?

Well, by taking back someone who cheated on you, you're showing how little you value yourself - so why should they value you?

It sounds like you are going for the same type: if physically different, they're emotionally the same.

They're not at all emotionally the same & I did imagine myself forever with each one (I wouldn't get into a relationship if I just though meh he's okay!).

I was single for many years before the latest one- because I was waiting for the right guy & being extra cautious.

I DO value myself & the only reason I took him back was because the situation had changed

In what way had it changed?

You are attracted to men who are deceitful, unfaithful and can't commit.

You have repeated a pattern of relationships for the last 20 years which will continue for the next 20 unless you spend some time in therapy to work out why you repeated find this type of partner attractive.

The question of whether he cheated was also slightly ambiguous so to speak- I won't go into details.

There was confusion/misunderstanding between us & the end result was that he fell for someone else & left me. There was an overlap of a few days. I won't go into details but suffice it to say, my friends, & therapist all agreed it was worth another shot due to the whole thing being down to a misunderstanding.

I would never take anyone back who simply cheated & obviously do value myself.

I wish it was a case of not valuing myself- at least that would be something I could work on!

See, I would view someone "falling for someone else" and leaving me for them as a pretty big sign I was wasting my time with them. You've been the fall-back person. Sod that.

@MrsBobDylan thanks for ur input... it's an interesting one because that's the go-to response in general, but I've spoken with friends & therapists about that, asked them if I'm attracted to the wrong people- but after they meet them & get to know them, there is a general consensus that the partners I pick are nice, genuine, caring, honest people. Each time it happens, it's such a huge shock to everyone.

My friends & family met them. Usually when you're picking the wrong types of people all the time, friends & family will disapprove & point it out.

They all had unique personalities & no history of being unfaithful or emotionally changing suddenly. There was also no sign of it during the latest 2 years. It always seems to change so suddenly & inexplicably, leaving everyone including myself in shock.

Looking at the numbers, I question whether I'll ever find anyone permanent. I'm not the type to get into a relationship for 2 years unless I want it to last my whole life. It really messes me up every time this happens.

I made only one New Year resolution this year, and that was not to go back on relationship decisions I'd made (I tend to be the 'finisher').
Sometimes when a bit drunk, bored or lonely, the temptation is there to instigate contact with an ex. So far I've always resisted, as it's unfair on that particular person.
So my rose-coloured specs have been put away, and I've learnt to see that I didn't end relationships willy-nilly. I did it for a reason. And I need to trust my judgement on that, as some things are better left in the past.
So I guess I'm seeing your situation in reverse. The difference is though that your exes are too weak to stick to their guns.
You should NEVER take any of these guys back. You deserve to be with someone who is sure that it's you they want.

@category12 I agree there's some sentiment in that point of view. I almost didn't take him back. And I'm re-assessing things now. All I can say is that it wasn't a sudden decision, and he believed it was the biggest mistake of his life. He insists he didn't fall for the other person & it was an escape route (again cant go into details unfortunately).

I have to say a lot of advice was sought from relationship therapists, professionals in the field & I did a lot of research before taking him back- explicitly the percentage of ex's that survive back together & why, and the only reasons that work. This matched the bill, so I took him back.

However, although he insists I'm imagining the fact that he's distant, after everything I've been out through, I trust myself on this. I'm not imagining it. Perhaps he doesn't value me - that would be my fault for taking him back so soon. Never again.

I'm just wondering what is going on to cause all my relationships to fail on the other side- they always are the ones to leave me. It's starting to make me wonder what's wrong with me.

@Dieu why do you think you're always the one to finish it in relationships? Do you not notice what the person is like within a few months, instead of letting it go on years before you end it? What's the point in that.. it doesn't take years to know someone enough to know whether you truly want to be with them or not (unless you're not observant or just don't know yourself). Surely?

Are there any similarities in how you have met your previous partners and how the early stages of your relationships progress? I'm curious about the 50% regret rate. It suggests that you may be quite a nice person? I'm wondering if you're a little too nice- accept things that others wouldn't. Accepting guys that aren't good enough for you so you have relationships that never should have happened or in which you should be the dumper? Guys dating you because you are easy to be in a relationship with rather than the genuine you?

You're presuming a fair bit there!

I don't mean that I finish relationships after a few years. I wish I liked someone enough for it to get that far!
I am on the online dating scene, so I mean that I end it after a few dates, or a couple of months at most.
Sorry, I probably shouldn't have referred to these as relationships!

@Eternallycurious thought about that too- but everyone seems to agree nope I'm not too nice 😂 I would say 99% of people I date I don't like so I'm really quite fussy. I'm very careful to pick nice people- probably nicer than me!

My friends and family have commented on how nice my partners were.

But I'm no pushover.

See I'd feel like plan B in that scenario. He only came back to you because she cheated on him. If she didn't he, wouldn't have given you a second thought.

They don't sound that nice if they dump you for other people and otherwise dump you for reasons that turn out to be untrue. Friends/family are almost bound to say they're nice.

@SandyY2K that's how I feel right now. I talked to him about it & he's so adamant it's not like that. He thinks it was an escape route from things I can't talk about unfortunately.

He says he never loved her & would have left her anyway because they had almost nothing in common and she was selfish.... and that I'm the best he could ever find.

My heart just melted. But I do feel still like plan B. It really makes no difference though- it took almost a decade of being single to find him. If I leave him which is looking likely right now, I know it'll be ages until I find someone else I like- and frankly I no longer see a point because they all end up the same.!

I just can't seem to keep people's interest for long enough.

I should also mention his leaving me & the way it happened, was so out of character for him.

As were all the others.

Hence why I don't see the point anymore

There are good men out there and sometimes it's just a matter of luck.

Taking him back out of fear you won't find anyone else isn't great. He probably knows that hence he came back.

Would you both be open to relationship counselling?

He should really be showing you how much he loves you after what happened...but he's not doing that.

Yes it could just be luck. what is the actual amount of people this has happened with - 10? 20? 100?

Would you consider yourself romantic (or appreciative of that sort of thing)? Just wondering from the "My heart melted" line which is quite flamboyant and OTT language (from an ice queen perspective like mine).

Op, if your family and friends are giving these men the thumbs up, it is possible that they are also being duped. These men are skilled at presenting one side of themselves, then revealing the 'real' them further down the line.

I know you've been in therapy but a therapist's role isn't to vet your partners or approve them. Their role is to help you understand why you are attracted to a certain type.

On the flip side, I once dated a man who was always dumped after a year or so. I did the same thing and for me it was because he was emotionally needy and quite controlling.

I have just re-read your op and this man who's hurt you asked you to marry him, dumped you a week later because he'd met someone new, left her because she was unfaithful, then came back to you.

He sounds like a shit. Sorry, but nothing in your description makes me think he could possibly be a nice, honest guy.

Do you change when you get to a certain stage of a relationship?
When the relationship gets to a certain point, do you become needy, complacent, or do you remain independent, perhaps, giving off vibes you aren't ready to settle down?