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Original poster

Could you be friends with someone who had an affair.

45 replies

Ohrobin · 30/01/2019 12:26

Been good friends for a long time.

She kept it quiet for ages and eventually told me she had been having an affair with a married man who is much older but he was about to leave his wife for her.

Initially I just tried to be a good friend an support her through this situation, where she believes he's the one, he left his wife for her and they are "happy" together. I don't condone her actions have pointed this out multiple times that whilst I understand they've fallen in love without meaning too. The way they have gone about it was very wrong. I have often pointed out the ex wife is allowed to feel hurt and angry when she is moaning about this etc.

I was cheated on multiple times a few years ago and was soul destroying and she knows this. She said it's one of the reasons she didn't tell me for a long time. I've tried to separate my own feelings and just be a good friend.

But lately I'm just finding it incredibly hard to listen to her. Her life at the moment is all about him, the ex wife being angry, the kids not accepting their dad has moved on, hearing about him hiding money away from the divorce, trying to get the minimum maintence payments agreed etc etc.

I just feel that I don't want to throw away what was a really good friendship but am finding it hard. I try not to get into discussions and just saying things like oh right that's difficult or that's understandable if they are not ready yet it's only been a few months some they found out etc.

I'm just struggling. I know it's not nice to hear that I stayed friends with her after finding out, but just wondered if anyone else has been in the same situation with a friend and can give advice?

Thanks all!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/01/2019 12:53

Of course you can be friends with her.
I think you need to lay down a few ground rules though.
You need to tell her that you aren't really OK with it all but that you still want to be friends.
However..... He is off the table as a topic of conversation.
You do not want to hear what a tight arse he is.
You do not want to hear that he is doing his best to deprive his children of the money and support they deserve.
See what she says to that.

Huskylover1 · 30/01/2019 12:59

Nope. I'd steer well clear. I had a friend like this. She ended up sleeping with my (then) husband. Any man was a target. I ditched them both.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/01/2019 13:01

I think you can only remain friends if you tell her firmly that, whilst you love her and want to remain friends, you don’t like her behaviour and don’t want to hear about or discuss anything to do with it. Which will, of course, really limit the extent to which you can talk about all the things good friends would usually share with each other; and therefore cast doubt on how sustainable the friendship is.

whatsthepointthen · 30/01/2019 13:04

Yes, my friend who was seeing a married man (she was single) I made it clear I didnt agree with it but I stayed friends with her. He didnt leave his wife for her as I told her he wouldnt.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/01/2019 13:05

I suppose it also depends on the extent to which you can tolerate not living in an echo chamber. I don’t need my friends to exactly share all my own values and standards of behaviour - I have a number of friends who believe and do things I don’t necessarily agree with and wouldn’t think or do myself but it doesn’t interfere with our friendship because we just agree to disagree and don’t discuss it. But if it’s very important to you that your friends have similar values to you, ultimately you aren’t going to be able to relate to her in the same way as you could before.

blueskiesandforests · 30/01/2019 13:07

I could be friends with someone who had had an affair which was over and probably regretted yes, but not someone who thought they were in the right while complicit in actively hiding marital assets from the wronged spouse and screwing the children over.

presentcontinuous · 30/01/2019 13:08

The most useful thing you can do - and possibly the only way you can assert your own boundaries if you want to stay friends with her - is continue to take a robust moral line in your conversations. She'll be in a loved-up bubble, so every time she complains, turn her complaint around and tell it from the ex-wife's or the children's perspective, no holes barred.

Use the words lied, betrayed, deceit, etc. a lot. He sounds like a right piece of work anyway!

She won't like it, and you may not stay friends for long but your conscience will be intact. Unlike hers!

Elfinablender · 30/01/2019 13:09

I'm not sure I could be arse with all the unnecessary drama and handholding but from a moral standpoint, yes I could be friends with them

trulybadlydeeply · 30/01/2019 13:20

I am. She has been in a relationship with a married man for some time. Ironically before this her DH left her for OW, so she knows how it feels from the other perspective. I can't condone the relationship, but she is an adult and makes her own choices. I don't actively start conversations about her partner though, and she knows how I feel.

ShadyLady53 · 30/01/2019 13:22

As someone whose family was torn apart by an affair when I was a child, no way in hell.

goodbyestranger · 30/01/2019 13:26

I wouldn't have any problem remaining friends at all.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2019 13:32

Yes. But I would make it clear I didn't want to hear anything about her relationship, his kids and his ex wife

If she took umbrage at that...her call

Original poster
Ohrobin · 30/01/2019 13:36

Thanks all for your perspectives!

@presentcontinious Yeah I do try to point out from the other viewpoint and often say but he had an affair. She (ex) is just protecting her kids from an emotional whirlwind etc etc. And she definitely has rose tinted glasses on and thinks her new man is perfect! He's nice from when I've met him but all stuff I hear puts a different light on him!

@Compasse - I can defo be friends with someone who has different viewpoints, in fact we have different viewpoints about other stuff and often have good healthy discussions about said topics, but I think it's the constant bringing it up and the last few times we've met up she dominates the day. I now keep trying to be neutral in the hope the dramatic convos dies down.

Deep down I know really I'll stay friends with her. I guess that's was the wrong question to ask. Apologies all
I guess I just wanted to know if it was okay to feel the way I do or if I was letting my own emotions and history take over!

@blueskies yes I think the initial affair etc wasn't that bad to hear. Sometimes people do just fall for each other I understand that. But it was hearing the deceit and money hiding I think that annoyed me! I don't have kids (yet but ttc!) but I worked for homestart for many years and seen many lone parents (mum or dad!) Screwed over and the kids affected whilst the other parent has a good life/new family etc. Think that's annoying me the most! And I don't even know the ex or family but I feel for them!

@husky I am so sorry to hear that. One of the other girls in the group has told me she doesn't trust this girl with her new partner as a result of what's happened.

OP posts:
LadyRochfordsIcedGusset · 30/01/2019 13:46

Yep I could. My friends' romantic decisions aren't anything to go with why they're my friend. My closest friends have been there for me no matter what and I'd want to reciprocate.

Also it's a bit mad to think if someone is having an affair that they're after everyone else's spouse, don't think it works like that.

Myheartbelongsto · 30/01/2019 13:51

Nah, I wouldn't stay friends. I dropped a good friend for this. She was snagging the neighbour, it was sick.

I told her why I didn't want to remain friends and she was quite sad about it.

She would have slept with anything. She later moved from the area and started snagging another married man.

No loss to me whatsoever.

LadyRochfordsIcedGusset · 30/01/2019 13:53

*She would have slept with anything
*
I can see why you're no longer friends!

CalamityJane10 · 30/01/2019 13:56

No. I felt dirty after hearing the sordid details, and her complete indifference to the misery of his wife made me see her in a different light. I felt I no longer knew her.

bananaramaspyjamas · 30/01/2019 14:33

Not if I knew the dh and dcs. I've dropped two people for this, because both went about it in a really cruel way that made me realise these weren't people I wanted as friends. A couple of others, who had affairs before I knew them or who weren't unkind, are friends but not close ones. I really value friends with morals, unfashionable as that might be.

ImNotKitten · 30/01/2019 14:43

I just feel that I don't want to throw away what was a really good friendship but am finding it hard. I try not to get into discussions and just saying things like oh right that's difficult or that's understandable if they are not ready yet it's only been a few months some they found out etc.

It’s ok to say to her that you don’t want to hear any more details or angst about it. She knows it’s close to the bone for you and it’s insensitive of her to use you as her sounding board. By all means stay friends with her but make it clear you don’t want to hear any more about her situation with him.

PearsandWine · 30/01/2019 14:55

No. I would and have dropped people for this. Our values would not match at all.

LadyRochfordsIcedGusset · 30/01/2019 15:06

A friend of mine was having an ill-advised affair with a married man, if she praised him and their situation I wouldn't avoid it I'd pull her up on it, ask her how she'd feel in his wife's shoes etc. She knew what I thought. She stopped in the end, he went on to another OW and I still have my friend.

elizalovelace · 30/01/2019 15:09

Yes I could stay friends with someone who had an affair even though I dont agree with infidelity. I do realise that I'm not 'perfect' myself in many ways so I dont judge others who aren't perfect in other people's eyes either.

Gina2012 · 30/01/2019 15:12

but not someone who thought they were in the right while complicit in actively hiding marital assets from the wronged spouse and screwing the children over

This

How can you separate out her acceptance of his appalling behaviour?

I couldn't

It disgusts me - both her and him

WTAFIGO · 30/01/2019 15:16

Nice people don't cheat, knowingly participate in cheating or encourage others to do so.

If your friend is capable of having an affair with someone, deep down they are probably not as nice as you think they are and are not worth keeping.

My former friend was a gay guy and having an affair with a married man whose wife and 3 kids had no idea he was not straight. The moment the friendship was over was when my friend made nasty comments about the wife's appearance, blaming her for her husband's cheating because she had 'let herself go' and 'not keeping on top of her roots'. Having perfect hair would not have made her husband less gay and it felt so disrespectful and shitty to someone totally blameless and trusting. It was then I realised my friend was actually a complete turd. It sounds like your friend is too.

Changedname3456 · 30/01/2019 15:17

If the stats are to be believed, she’s not likely to be the only one of your friends who’s either had an affair, or will have one in the future.

I think you need to put the topic off limits. Clearly she knew it would be painful for you, so just point out that it still is and that you’d prefer not to talk about it when you two meet up.