Could you be friends with someone who had an affair.

[Ohrobin]

Been good friends for a long time.

She kept it quiet for ages and eventually told me she had been having an affair with a married man who is much older but he was about to leave his wife for her.

Initially I just tried to be a good friend an support her through this situation, where she believes he's the one, he left his wife for her and they are "happy" together. I don't condone her actions have pointed this out multiple times that whilst I understand they've fallen in love without meaning too. The way they have gone about it was very wrong. I have often pointed out the ex wife is allowed to feel hurt and angry when she is moaning about this etc.

I was cheated on multiple times a few years ago and was soul destroying and she knows this. She said it's one of the reasons she didn't tell me for a long time. I've tried to separate my own feelings and just be a good friend.

But lately I'm just finding it incredibly hard to listen to her. Her life at the moment is all about him, the ex wife being angry, the kids not accepting their dad has moved on, hearing about him hiding money away from the divorce, trying to get the minimum maintence payments agreed etc etc.

I just feel that I don't want to throw away what was a really good friendship but am finding it hard. I try not to get into discussions and just saying things like oh right that's difficult or that's understandable if they are not ready yet it's only been a few months some they found out etc.

I'm just struggling. I know it's not nice to hear that I stayed friends with her after finding out, but just wondered if anyone else has been in the same situation with a friend and can give advice?

Thanks all!

I completely agree with what blueskies said

@roch to be fair when she explained why she thought that it did make sense but I did tell my friend that she was being silly and that I really don't think that the friend who had the affair would really go for one of her friends partners.

@WTAF I think that's what dwelling on me more. Some comments she has made has made me wonder about that. I guess time will tell!

@changedname I agree it's not so much the affair although as I said I don't condone it. I think it's hearing about the divorce and what he is trying to do and the not nice comments about the ex wife etc. Think your right I'll just say it's too painful for me to listen to. I'm glad your happy but please don't tell me details of how he is planning to be more deceitful as it's wrong etc.

The affair is something that I could probably tolerate, although I wouldn't approve as such, but the rest of it would make me look at her very differently. I like people who are kind and who at least try to do the morally right thing as much as they can. There are people who are suffering as a result of her actions and decisions and not only is she not sympathetic, she is actually annoyed that their suffering is impacting her. That's not kind. Her new partner is also basically trying to defraud his ex of assets, and she is condoning it. That is immoral.

@blackamerican - exactly a good summary of the side that I am struggling with in this friendship!

I don't know how I would react tbh. I've been friends, albeit not extremely close friends, with people who have had affairs and with those who have split with their spouses (mostly not involving an affair) but they have on the whole behaved like decent people. They were sometimes grumpy and angry and not always entirely rational about the world should change to suit them, but that was generally temporary.

I think I would say something like "I had always thought that you were a kinder person than that" if my friend was complaining about the DC being unhappy. I would also point out that if she ever splits with the new man she already knows that he will attempt to rip her off, because that's what he's doing to his ex.

No, I would assume that they weren't very nice people, lacked kindness and empathy, had a selfish entitled streak and just generally didn't share any of the values I think are very important in a friendship.

A mistake is a one-off and forgivable, sustaining being an absolute shit would definitely put me off.

Yes. Some of the nicest people I know have affairs. I wouldn’t do it myself but I don’t particularly judge them.

There's a difference between 'nice' and 'capable of being nice to people that matter to them.'

Affair people aren't Pol Pot, and I'm sure they're lovely to their friends, but they're not nice because nice people wouldn't set out to intentionally hurt or undermine someone else.

I met a friend of a friend last year and she seemed perfectly nice, however she recently told us she is having an affair with a local married man with 2 kids. She came out with all the crap about how they were waiting until the kids left and then he would leave his wife etc. Dunno, my opinion of her changed instantly. My dad cheated on my mum so I know the devestation this caused, but the complete lack of empathy towards the poor uhsuspecting wife that my friend very clearly showed left me shocked. It demonstrated a sheer lack of respect and level of deviousness that I no longer want to be around her. I am polite and say hi if we see each other but that is it.

Some of the nicest people I know have affairs

Nice people don't have affairs.

No I wouldn't - although I have been in a tricky situation where my sister has been a serial OW (she targeted married men and wasn't interested in single men). She used to ring me a lot to overshare the details and gloat, then had the cheek to get huffy when I told her I didn't want to hear about it. Unsurprisingly we are NC now and although that wasn't the only reason, I lost a lot of respect for her then.

Why do these women target married men? Sounds like they have some sort of physiological issue there

Why do these women target married men?
Why do these married men target these women, would be a better question in many instances!
Personal experience and the experience of friends!!!!

@tinkly I am not surprised you have gone NC with her especially if she was going out targeting married men. But all said and done it does take two to tango! I do hope it all works out with my friend and her new partner but just wish she would realise their actions have hurt a family.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar Your posts are insightful and spot on. I've been in the position of the OP's friend apart from there were no children involved. My now DH went beyond what was legally (or indeed morally) required both financially and in other aspects in support of his ex because he's a good, kind man.

I took a large step back from a friend who left their spouse after discovering their behaviour prior to leaving. There is no excuse for cheating. Of course they don't tell other people that they cheated, they tell other people that the spouse was terrible to live with and they had no choice...... This person knows how much I was hurt by a cheater and claimed they could never do that, then did it to their own spouse. Now they can't understand why the spouse is so upset and angry towards them!!! They think it should be lovely fluffy bunnies, but then the leaver can never understand why the left is so betrayed.

Amazing how they justify the behaviour afterwards too. you should point out to your friend, that when they have DC and then split up when he has another affair, that it will be her who he is trying not to pay maintenance and her that he is trying to hide money from.

Of course she won't believe that he will do it to her because she is special and it's going to last forever ..............

My ex-H had an affair and it was devastating, but if I kept myself apart from all those who'd ever had an affair, then I'd be reducing my social circle significantly.

There is no getting around that fact that when people cheat they are doing something wrong, something unloving and something really hurtful to the person they are married to. That said, humans are stupid, weak and deeply flawed, so they're bound to do selfish, stupid things.

I would let this friend know that I found it hard to understand what she had done but I was still there for her. I would also want to drill down into why she thought this guy was worth going after. He is married and has made promises and commitments to someone else, who he is now involved in massively deceiving. I'd want to know what made him so hot, she couldn't run away as fast as she could.

Absolutely not, I could not and would not be able to continue a friendship with such a selfish narcissist, who cannot see past their own wants to the absolute devastation they are leaving behind them!

Their despicable behaviour surrounding the divorce, confirms the fact that they are entitled, nasty, cruel and self serving sociopaths- who care not for the feelings and needs of devastated children, or the distress and heartbreak of the cheated wife!

They clearly think they are clever to be hiding money from the ‘greedy’ ex- not seeing that it is the children who they are depriving of money for food, clothing, a roof over their head and heating to keep them warm. The children are innocent in all of this yet pay the highest price for their utterly selfish, entitled behaviour!

Thanks all I know what made him too hot to handle is the fact he ticks the boxes for what she wants in a man. And don't get me wrong they do seem suited personality wise.

But after it's the deceit after the initial affair and her believing everything he said and of course the ex wife was horrible person etc believe all his side of the story.

I'm just bored of hearing it. For example
She asked me how my dinner with friends was last night, i mentioned something about a friend's partner being in a mood because she didnt get her own way, and her response was 'that's what x ex wife was like'. Erm okay I don't see why i need to know that and also you don't know that for 100% sure. Your only hearing one side.

Urgh sorry everyone it's just me ranting away! But your input has all been helpful and next time I'm face to face with her and she talks about him being deceitful I will tell her I don't agree with it and don't want to hear it. It's harder over text I think!