I haven't had sex in 6 months because it hurts me

[googleismyfriend]

I've been with DP for nearly 2.5 years. We lost our virginity to each other 6 months into the relationship. I am always so reluctant to have sex because it hurts me physically. I don't know if it's because I was a virgin before and have only had sex maybe 20 times since, but I find it so painful every time - I get a burning sensation down there. I've been to the doctors who were not much help: they said I had blood in my urine, I took antibiotics and still had blood so I was referred to cancer specialists; luckily I do not have cancer. But that was the end of the matter and it did not solve why I feel pain during sex.

We switched from latex condoms to non latex condoms, which helped. We use lube (a natural plant based one) which he puts on himself and some round the opening on me.

The pain has meant I haven't wanted to have sex in the past 6 months. DP is so understanding and says we will take it at my own pace. But I really want to resume our sex life for the sake of our relationship, for intimacy. We are intimate in other ways: we cuddle and kiss a lot. But the lack of sex due to the pain it causes makes me feel down. I just want to enjoy sex like most other people...

Has anyone been through the same thing or have any advice for me? It would be very much appreciated. Thank you

I don't want to pry but are you having other forms of sexual contact? Is it just penetration that hurts or is it touching as well?

I don't want to pry but are you having other forms of sexual contact? Is it just penetration that hurts or is it touching as well?

We're not having other forms of sexual contact at the moment no, but fingering also hurts me. Everything else is fine.

Well if exterior touch and oral are okay then there is no reason to take them off the menu or even mutual masturbation or pleasuring him. Please have a discussion with him about it so that you can maintain intimcy whilst working through this issue or adapting to it.

Have you been tested for endometriosis? Pain during sex can be a symptom.

Have you been tested for endometriosis? Pain during sex can be a symptom.

I'll raise this with my doctor, but from a search on the nhs website I don't seem to have any other symptoms. My period pain goes away with a single dose of paracetamol and I have very light periods (they last 2-3 days).

It could be psychological. If you're nervous, not comfortable or expecting it to hurt, you can tighten and it'll make sex painful.
If you try other things and they don't work, maybe try sex counselling?

Does it hurt if you insert a finger? Just wondering if that might help you in working out what the issue is.

Also instead of him just putting lube around the opening you could try using your finger to put it around the entrance to your vagina and then work more lube inside you.

I also agree with Hop, no sex doesn't mean no intimacy.

Fingering also causes the burning sensation. When DP has tried, he sticks to one finger as getting two up is tight.

I'll try putting lube inside next time.

I find foreplay really uncomfortable, I'm self conscious about the look and taste. Which is why I'd rather be able to have sex as I definitely feel more comfortable when all eyes aren't down there

I get this :( a specialist gynae operated to remove some skin that would not heal after being torn so often during sex. They gave me some special creams as it can be a type of dermatitis but nothing made a massive difference. I got a load of different lubes to try and one of the best things was silicone vaginal trainers from love honey. They go from little finger up to normal penis size as vaginisimus was causing so much pain through spasms and also meant penetration was sometimes physically impossible as a result. I would prefer my DH helped me with them as a form of sex game/foreplay but he doesn’t seem keen and TMI isn’t very good at it then it hurts more. But iv managing piv sex monthly which is an improvement.

You need to find the right consultant though. One listened to my tale of woe and said “there are other ways to have relations than vaginal penetration” I burst into tears and said I didn’t want my sex life consisting of blow jobs and I also can’t cope with oral on me. I get so over sensitive around my labia that it’s really uncomfortable

Hi OP, have you asked to be refered to a gynaecologist? You could have vaginismus www.webmd.com/women/guide/vaginismus-causes-symptoms-treatments

Can you use tampons?

It does sound like vaginismus. There are treatments available. Do you feel you could speak to your GP about it?

My GP has put a finger up me previously to check and said I seem fine, so I probably don't have vaginismus

I've also had swabs done by a doctor and there was no problem obtaining them

Hi OP, have you asked to be refered to a gynaecologist?

I am definitely going to ask to be referred. I can use tampons but I choose to use pads as I hate the difficulty of using a tampon.

I agree with pp that a lot of it could be psychological. I've been having issues with painful sex since having an episiotemy & when the gp checked they said everything seemed fine, then asked if I was relaxed about sex, did I feel pressured in to it etc and when I really thought about it I realised that me being scared it would hurt would make me more nervous and tighten up. Now before we try to have sex I try to relax, have a nice bath etc and it doesn't hurt anywhere near as much. I'm not saying that is what's wrong but if your not having much foreplay and feeling nervous and self conscious it really isn't going to help.

@landgirl1

I am so sorry to hear that I'm definitely going to ask to be referred. What lube has worked best for you? Also I hope this isn't TMI but are any positions easier for you? I find doggy better than missionary pain wise for some reason. That consultant of yours sounds awful
I'm so self conscious of my labia during oral (one is so much bigger than the other) which means I never want to do it

@dyingforchocolate

It's definitely easier said than done, unfortunately, to relax as I'm always nervous about the pain. But you are right. Apart from baths, do you have any suggestions for relaxing beforehand?

OP, I have healed badly from an episiotomy and was experiencing a lot of pain during sex. I went to the gp and after examining me and locating the exact sore area she said it was poorly done stitching up but the problem was that the nerve endings had become enmeshed in the scar tissue so a repair would likely have the same issues.

She gave me the lidocaine gel used for fitting coils and similar, it's called instilagel I think and comes in a large syringe type thing. She said to use a little to numb the scar during sex in the short term, but also to massage the area after numbing it as often as possible, gradually lessening the numbing time in order to lessen the sensitivity of the nerves as a long term solution.

I am no medical expert. Clearly you need to go back to your GP and hopefully be referred. You deserve more than this.

In the meantime, I would suggest regular oral only sessions for several weeks. That way you can regain your intimacy without any tensing or concerns about the pain.

googleismyfriend Lube wise nothing flavoured or performance enhancing! Sylk was pretty good, ky stings. Performance delaying or numbing ones worked for me.. sadly also worked for him so back to the drawing board as whilst I wanted sex, didn’t want to go for too long either as that increased soreness girl on top is by far the best as then I can control the angle and depth of thrust. I would try not to feel self conscious about labia size, it’s there for a reason and I always remember someone posting that any bloke that is lucky enough to get down there is highly unlikely to get another chance if they criticise what they find

Oh @googleismyfriend I wish I could give you a big hug right now. DH and I went through an 11 year spell of very painful intercourse (painful for me). It started hurting right after losing my virginity too and according to the 2 consultants I saw, it was due to the remnants of my hymen having hardened into a scar. I had 2 minor operations to try to ease the tightness. It helped a bit but not much. Even DC were conceived painfully.

The only thing that actually helped was giving birth. It stretched everything and I can now have sex without pain.

Whilst suffering from dyspareunia, I visited many forums and "met" a few women who had nerve damage causing the pain, some also had damaged caused by a repetitive use of ABs (heavy use, though inevitable sometimes, can destroy vaginal flora).

All this to say that it could be a huge number of reasons for that pain and that you are not alone suffering from it. It is so disheartening though, not to be able to enjoy sex. I know, in the end, that my libido had hit rock bottom as I was so scared of the pain and also acutely aware that my DH would probably love penetrative sex (though, like yours, he'd never say it).

If you want to PM me I'd be more than happy to listen.

You deserve more than this.

@StarlightLady is totally right.

Hi OP,

I went through this too after having my DS. I still remember the pain now it's a libido crusher. I recommend the lidocaine gel that a PP mentions above, I'd also recommend a look at The Vulval Pain Society's web-page (www.vulvalpainsociety.org).
Given what you've mentioned a couple of times about how you feel about your vulva/intimate area I wonder if something like some CBT therapy or literature might be useful? I don't blame you for thinking 'who would ever want to stick their face there?!' we're so conditioned to have an abhorrence for our own genitalia.
Are you able to go for smear tests OK?

Very best wishes to you.

to everyone for their lovely messages here. It means so much.

The lidocaine gel is something I'd probably only use as a last resort. I wouldn't want to numb sensation down there if another solution is possible. If it's possible for the pain to stop another way that would be so much more preferable, so that in the future I can enjoy all that sex has to offer fully. I've never experienced pleasurable sex before.

@wasnotwasweregood I haven't started having smears yet. To be honest I think I can accept the way I look down there eventually, I think we've been so conditioned to think of what we see online as being normal when in reality I'm sure everyone looks different down there. Perfectly symmetrical labia surely isn't what most women have?!

@landgirl1 Thank you for your reply I'm so inexperienced, only having one sexual partner (my DP) that I find girl on top a challenge and I'm sure I'm doing it wrong, there must be a way that doesn't involve bouncing haha! Sylk is what we use currently and it's been a big improvement to the durex ones which were awful for me.