Help, my husband is a D***

[Dolly20]

Help me. My husband does nothing but criticise and berate me for the slightest thing. It doesn't matter what I do, he'll find something to moan about. He is a good father, and can be kind and loving when he wants to be, but he also has a foul temper and I am always on the receiving end of it.

I've got a 3 yo and an 11 mo who keep me mega busy, and I'm about to go back to work. All I get is "you've done f all all day" which is simply not true as any mum will know. I do my best, cook all our meals from fresh and am generally on top of the washing, ironing, housework etc. It's never good enough. His favourite thing is to send WhatsApp messages telling me "if I ..... I'm going to lose my sh"*t, it's not good enough" etc and I mean I get these several times a day over stupid things like him finding a sticker on a table or I threw out a crumpet that my daughter didn't eat. He is also incredibly stingy, despite earning nearly six figures and will berate me for spending anything. I am so fed up of it but whenever I start reading forums and whatnot i realise he isn't a monster as he has so many good qualities too. He's a fantastic dad, buys me thoughtful gifts and can be a lot of fun. I think part of his problem is his upbringing as his family are exactly the same and everyone picks each other apart. I cannot get through to him how much it bothers me that he does this. Last time my mum was here he absolutely lost the plot screaming and shouting because he thought I'd thrown away a flyer with a £10 off code on it (that he'd left next to the recycling pile FFS) and my mum was mortified. It showed up later in his study (!) But he didn't even apologise. He's so messy but apparently I should sort that out because I've got f all to do all day. I am so worn out by him but I do love him. Even his mum always comments on how awful he is towards me but says all men are like that. I don't expect a perfect marriage but he is such a bully. How can I stop him from treating me like this? Any tips? Like I say I wouldn't leave him (yet) but I feel as though the resentment is starting to poison me and I feel so angry now too, I don't want to be like him. Thanks for reading and sorry for the ramble!

I'm not sure the good points you mention outweigh the bad here...

He sounds awful to live with and screaming at you in front of your mum! I am sorry you are living with this OP.

You can’t stop him, but you can leave. He is emotionally abusing you.

Hi - sounds an awful life for you. He may have 'good' qualities but it sounds as though he has no respect for you and is unable to manage his own emotions. I can't imagine this is the life you want for you and your children and if he is not emotionally intelligent enough to see the damage he is causing then I would consider what my exit strategy might be 💐

Thank you Deadzed, he is awful to live with. I've probably highlighted a lot more bad than good here but mainly he's a great dad and the kids adore him. He can treat me very well but it's like he has no control over the rage inside him. I sometimes wonder if I'd be better off away from him but then like I said he can be great. I know we all have our bad points but he's just so extreme.

I totally get what you mean by not wanting to leave him, is it worth warning him? That if he keeps behaving like a child you will leave? Counselling for his anger?
It’s no way to live and you can only take so much OP

Thanks for the replies ladies appreciate you taking the time. I think realistically you're probably all right but I am scared to make the move to being a single parent. (Logistics, money, loneliness etc) has anyone done this and been happier? Or regretted it later on?

Would add that I have so much admiration for single mums! It must be so hard.

I have suggested counselling but he genuinely thinks there isn't an issue with his behaviour, it's my problem for all the things I'm doing "wrong!"
How do people persuade their husbands to go to therapy? For what it's worth I'm not perfect either and will shout back sometimes which I don't want my kids to learn.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like yours? If the idea doesn’t sit comfortably with you then realise that the current situation isn’t good enough for you either. And if his family treat eachother like this then you also need to recognise that being raised around his behaviour may effect your children’s future relationships.
He may be a great dad but he is not a great husband currently. He won’t not be your children’s dad if you leave him but he wouldn’t be your husband.
You definitely need not to be treated like this. And you need to tell him that. Have you asked him if he thinks this behaviour is actually acceptable? Or warranted? Is he ashamed afterwards? I’m not saying that he would change if he saw his own behaviour for what it is and regretted it but he definately will not change if he thinks his behaviour is ok and deserved. If that’s his position then it will continue forever. Unless you leave. Can you tell him what it’s like to live with - how toxic and abusive it is. Will he listen? Will he move heaven and earth to change and confront his own demons? Will he go to therapy? Because if not you really only have a future without him.

You say his family is like that? Now look at your own children - do you want them to grow up thinking that's normal? You ask if you'll be happier. Imagine not being on the receiving end of e-mails where he threatens to lose his shit, where a sticker on the table does not lead to World War III and if you want, you can make an origami bird out of a 10% off flyer. DOesn;t that sound better?

I don't say LTB very often, but this is one occasion where I would put it in capitals with fairy lights on.

My husband was like this, especially after our son was born. He has a very high powered job and when I stopped working he sort of saw me as an employee. It was miserable, the worst few months of my life. I don’t think he meant to do it, just the roles got a bit skewed. In the end I lost it and told him if he wanted to treat me like an employee he could pay me like one by the hour and that’s how we will live our lives. I told him how he was sucking the joy out of life and everyone will end up hating him for it. I screamed and shouted and cried with rage and he just stood there. He realised that things had to change or I was gone, within a month, and I meant it.
He saw. Dr and signed up to a stress management course, he became more hands on around the house and saw how hard it was and we slowed the pace down on life and didn’t do anything stressful for a while. Things have changed immensely. Still have ups and downs but who doesn’t. But he is putting the effort in and I recognise that and it is going to be ok.
You need to talk to him, and if talking doesn’t work loose your shit a little bit. You need to speak to him in a manner that is different to an employee or colleague or friend would because you are not that

He is emotionally abusing you, whether he realises it or not. Slowly eroding your self worth. I was with my fiancée for many years who had many amazing qualities but he always found fault with everything I did in the home and the criticism felt constant. I tried to make things ‘perfect’ but it still wasn’t good enough. Think show house standard and housework done. He’d find a crumb!
I began to resent him and eventually we separated. For me I couldn’t be happier now and because he is actually a decent person otherwise, we co parent our 3 yo remarkably well!
I no longer live constantly worrying about what he will criticise next and losing myself in trying to make things perfect.
I think you need to be very clear with him. He makes changes or you’ll be leaving. Put yourself in the best position you can if you need to separate. You obviously work very hard with two little ones. Don’t let anyone make you feel like what you are doing isn’t good enough. He’s the problem. Not you. I hope he sees what he has to lose.

I’m sorry to say to you but this man has no respect for you. By staying with him you are simple showing him he gets to treat you how he wants and nothing will happen.
When he tell you you do “ f...k all” what do you say back? Do you just stay quiet and put up with him.
I wouldn’t have let it get to this but everyone is different.
He needs to bloody understand that his behaviour is not on.
Tell him

Reminds me of my DSis. She is a great mum and can be quite generous at the same time she can be quite pathetic when it comes to smaller things. When I lived with her a very long time ago I felt like walking on eggshells. Our mum spent a few years helping with her DCs and she also felt like walking on eggshells. It was never right. Now DM is back home andd happy. I think it could be something psychological. Maybe some controlling behaviour. It's not healthy and wearing off a person next to it unless this person is a dominant one.

I would suggest you to read some literature about it and learn how to turn his behaviour against him if you want to save the marriage. It doesn't look healthy but you want to try. He needs to learn a lesson and mind you men do change if they want to.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I’m also sorry you’re being told that ‘all men’ are like it. They’re not. Your dh sounds rude, horrible to live with and borderline abusive. Don’t carry on like this. You and your kids are worth more.

Go and don't look back, that's no way to live, these are your best years don't waste them

and yes I’ve made the move. Own my own house. Smaller than what we had but it’s MINE and lovely. I’m less lonely now as instead of being the perfect housewife I have more time to see friends. I don’t feel anxious for the next criticism. Money is tighter but us women manage. He pays his fair share. He’s still a great Dad. And 2 years on I’m newly dating a lovely lovely guy, not met my LO yet but it’s nice to feel appreciated again instead of an employee. I do hope though that he sees the error of his ways and things improve

Oh sorry crossposted with you OP. My husband went to therapy AFTER I said I was leaving when I presented it as a way to learn to co parent effectively and handle the split better. He never treated me like yours does but he had lots of anger and resentment very deeply hidden that didn’t belong with me. I have plenty of issues too. We are currently trying to work through them and he has changed but it required so much courage from him and he didn’t go there until we thought it was over.

He doesn't deserve your love OP. Usually dicks like him get many chances from their loving partners although they deserve none to be honest. Then they leave for someone else and transform into the most wonderful partner.

Has he ever had both children for a day? Even then it might seem totally manageable, but day in day out? Months on end?

Of course you think he is a great Dad, but he is not. Screaming at you is not an example of how to deal with conflict. Dh and I have been married 20 years, he has never yelled at me, nor I him.

All these men who fly off the handle manage to keep jobs. Is that because they manage to control their temper at work?

What are the plans for when you return to work in terms of picking up the children, dropping them off, housework, cooking, shopping?

Interesting that no one would say a childminder or a nanny does fuck all all day, but a SAHP does, apparently

He is a dick. First class dick. You are not an employee and do not have to justify what you do all day.

He sounds abusive to me, there is no way i would put up with that.. im not a doormat, i'm a STAHP and i must say i would rather be at work than a stahp to a baby workwise at least you get time to think and a lunch break but at home its 24/7 care and chores.

Sorry but i dont think it will ever get better, its just his personality hes just a bully and councilling i dont think would help an abusive bully.

I've probably highlighted a lot more bad than good here but mainly he's a great dad and the kids adore him.

We see this rationale time after time. Being a good dad does not justify or excuse abusing the mother, ever.

He can treat me very well but it's like he has no control over the rage inside him.

Think about this. I fhe really could not control his rage he would be constantly getting fired and arrested. If he can control his rage in the workplace and in public then he does not have anger management issues, he is an abuser. Sadly, it's much, much harder to help an abuser than someone with anger management issues.

I suggest you read Why Does He do That by Lundy Bancroft. It will make a lot of things clearer to you.

Even if he has lots of good points I’m struggling to see how they outweigh his bad points. He sounds like he had no respect for you and hell to live with.

I'm sorry that you think that is all you (and your kids) are worth OP. Being a single mum is nowhere near as hard as living with an abusive wanker. He sounds absolutely horrendous. Personally, I'd get rid. I wouldn't want that rubbing off on my kids and having the guilt of raising children with the same mindset. Just nah.

It would be best if you could reply to one of those texts with, "I can't do this any more. Read your messages to me again and you'll see why" and pack up your things and take your kids to your mum's house. I bet she is dying to rescue you from that marriage.