Help, my husband is a D***

[Dolly20]

Help me. My husband does nothing but criticise and berate me for the slightest thing. It doesn't matter what I do, he'll find something to moan about. He is a good father, and can be kind and loving when he wants to be, but he also has a foul temper and I am always on the receiving end of it.

I've got a 3 yo and an 11 mo who keep me mega busy, and I'm about to go back to work. All I get is "you've done f all all day" which is simply not true as any mum will know. I do my best, cook all our meals from fresh and am generally on top of the washing, ironing, housework etc. It's never good enough. His favourite thing is to send WhatsApp messages telling me "if I ..... I'm going to lose my sh"*t, it's not good enough" etc and I mean I get these several times a day over stupid things like him finding a sticker on a table or I threw out a crumpet that my daughter didn't eat. He is also incredibly stingy, despite earning nearly six figures and will berate me for spending anything. I am so fed up of it but whenever I start reading forums and whatnot i realise he isn't a monster as he has so many good qualities too. He's a fantastic dad, buys me thoughtful gifts and can be a lot of fun. I think part of his problem is his upbringing as his family are exactly the same and everyone picks each other apart. I cannot get through to him how much it bothers me that he does this. Last time my mum was here he absolutely lost the plot screaming and shouting because he thought I'd thrown away a flyer with a £10 off code on it (that he'd left next to the recycling pile FFS) and my mum was mortified. It showed up later in his study (!) But he didn't even apologise. He's so messy but apparently I should sort that out because I've got f all to do all day. I am so worn out by him but I do love him. Even his mum always comments on how awful he is towards me but says all men are like that. I don't expect a perfect marriage but he is such a bully. How can I stop him from treating me like this? Any tips? Like I say I wouldn't leave him (yet) but I feel as though the resentment is starting to poison me and I feel so angry now too, I don't want to be like him. Thanks for reading and sorry for the ramble!

He's an abusive twat! That's no way to live.

He really is NOT a good dad if he thinks that a good example to set his children.

Any father or husband who behaves how yours does isn't "good." The behavior you've described is verbal and emotional abuse with a side of financial abuse thrown in to boot. Your children will one day be treating you this way because they see their father treating you with zero love or respect. Trust me I grew up with a father like this and it's abuse. Plain and simple. Would you want your children to be in a relationship one day with a partner who behaves this way?

Why not leave him? You're walking on eggshells, he yells at you constantly.. how is this fun for you? Berates you for spending anything.

You are going back to work - presumably you have some childcare sorted for the kids. Why not just leave him, and have him take the kids every other weekend, and apply for child maintenance? What do you gain out of living with this bully?

FWIW - no, all men are not like this. Was your dad like this to your mum? Bullies bully because they think they can get away with it. This is not a situation that's going to improve with time. He's going to keep bullying you for as long as he can get away with it, and only stop when you leave. Why put up with another 5 - 10 -15 years of this crap until you finally leave and in the meantime subject your children to this crap too until they're scared of daddy as well and learn to walk around on eggshells?

He's treating the DC mother like shit.

Therefore he is not a Great Dad.

He's an Abuser.

"He can treat me very well but it's like he has no control over the rage inside him.

Think about this. If he really could not control his rage he would be constantly getting fired and arrested. If he can control his rage in the workplace and in public then he does not have anger management issues, he is an abuser."

Was just about to post this ^. Hes not a victim of uncontrollable rage, he's just not interested in controlling any of it when its directed towards you.

He's no a good dad. What good dad bullies their mother? He is abusive and you need to leave for your children if you can't do it for yourself.

Oh OP. This isn’t much of a life for you. Walking on eggshells. Your children are watching how you and hubby engage, learning what a relationship should look like. Please if your husband doesn’t want to go to counseling, go by yourself. You deserve so much more

When is the last time he lived one of your days? Book a long weekend away somewhere with a friend and leave him to it. Send the odd message that you expect x, y and z to be done, given he’s clearly got fuck all to do.

God Dolly, if I didn't know better I would think you were married to my AWFUL STBXH! So many similarities, the tightness (your story of 'losing' the voucher rang so many bells with me - my ex once almost had a breakdown over a 20p that my 3 year old threw into a field - he spent a WEEK looking for it!), mine was obsessive over the most insignificant items, always criticised the house, my effort, my appearance...

He was incredibly narcissistic and demanded such high standards from me at ALL times. When our three kids were all under 5 years old he spent and entire day following me around out tiny house and screaming at me because it was a bit messy (it wasn't, btw, it was perfectly normal). He also worked in a high powered/high responsibility job (military) and couldn't seem to differentiate between military and civilian life. He worked away and whenever he was due to come home my stress levels would go through the roof, the kids in turn would get stressed and it would all go to hell when he was home. I grew to detest the sight of him.

I left him. I left when my three were all under 12 and I cannot tell you how much better our lives are, how much happier we all are - we are a team and we are so close now. I don't even find being a single parent all that hard because for the most part the major cause of our unhappiness has been removed. He sees them every now and then and I don't ever bad mouth him. They're perfectly capable of making their own decisions about him and whether they want to see him. I LOVE my life without him. In the case of our separation, it exploded one day and I literally ran away with the kids. We're due to be divorced very soon (he's still trying to work out how to keep as much money away from me as he possibly can) and cannot wait to be divorced! I don't regret a single thing about leaving him. He's an absolute nasty, angry bastard and I love that he has no control over me any more. I live the way I want, not pinching every penny and explaining myself to him if I happen to do something I know he wouldn't approve of...

The rage thing, as PP's have pointed out, is incredibly relevant. He is so comfortable being abusive to you, and in front of your mother yet I bet he is the perfectly controlled gent at his work, isn't he? It's all for show. You don't get enough respect therefore he'll treat you however he feels like. Your kids shouldn't be growing up witnessing this.

I'm just trying to show you, you do not have to live like this. He's emotionally abusive to you and you deserve SO much more. Please seriously consider your options. So you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? Don't you deserve to be at peace and actually happy? You do, you know. And you absolutely can.

A good father does not abuse his wife, the mother of his children. He’s a bad father, a bad husband and a bad person.

It would be best if you could reply to one of those texts with, "I can't do this any more. Read your messages to me again and you'll see why" and pack up your things and take your kids to your mum's house. I bet she is dying to rescue you from that marriage

I totally agree with this ^^

Even his mum always comments on how awful he is towards me but says all men are like that

Utter bollocks are all men like that. My DH certainly isn't. I do most of the chores at home, because he works longer hours than me. He is always grateful, and in the 10+ years together, I have never received an abusive text from him. My FIL treated MIL like a Queen. My son, treats his GF only with love and affection, and my daughters BF would never speak to her, like your husband speaks to you.

Honestly, I would absolutely do what hollowtalk suggested. It might just be the shock he needs.

OP why does he need to change? There's no limits in your relationships, no sanctions, you're doing loads. He has no reason to change. He's shouting at you and making your life miserable... Even shouting at you in front of your mother.
Because however angry and disrespectful he is to you nothing changes for him. And it's justified by you and his Mum.
You don't suggest counselling. "I know you're happy with this set up do you want to spend time out of your day talking to someone who might make you feel crap and ask you to do more?" Course he's going to say no.

You need couples counseling at least. Don't ask him if he thinks it's a good idea. Tell him if he cares about his family he is going. If he doesn't you're all leaving.

Thank you for the compliment us single mums are awesome. But you are awesome too and deserve to have a nice life... And what if your kids think this behaviour is normal?
Me and my friend both had couples counseling. My ex didn't want it showed me no respect or care for our kids. Her sessions worked for her and now they are in a good place and it's good to see.

Dolly

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His mother's comments made towards you are wrong too; no not all men are like this at all. But yours is and hers is too. She in all likelihood has been emotionally abused by her H too.

He is not a good dad to his children because he is treating the mother of his children abusively. Women in poor relationships often write such comments when they themselves can write nothing positive about their man.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not let this become their norm too for them as adults.

He will never go to therapy because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you in the first place. This is a typical abusive person's mindset.

Do not do your bit here to further teach your children such damaging lessons about relationships. You need to make plans to leave your abuser.

Joint counselling with abusive people is never a good idea and is infact never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. If counselling is to be at all sought here, you need to go on your own.

He's not a great Dad if he's abusing you the kids mother.

Aimarge

Couples counselling is not recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Also he has already stated that he would not attend any such sessions in any case (thankfully).

I left my one of these, life is 100% better, don't waste your life with a man who bullies you

OP wrote this earlier too re her man:-

" but he genuinely thinks there isn't an issue with his behaviour, it's my problem for all the things I'm doing "wrong!"

Such abusive men will never go to therapy sessions, they really do think they are doing nothing wrong here.

would your mum take you in?

You're allowing yourself to be treated this way by staying with him and giving in to his demands.
I'd personally do fuck all for a few days. Like literally don't wash up, don't cook for him, don't tidy, don't iron, don't do any washing.
Then I'd leave him because he sounds like a bell end

Your husband sounds more insufferable cunt than d* to be honest.

He's a fantastic dad

How exactly?

If you stay with him, just as he has obviously learned to be like this from his father, as per your MIL's comment, your lovely little ones will learn to behave exactly the same (or to expect it from their partner).

The maintenance payable (and enforceable) from somebody on such a high salary will mean you'll have more money as a single parent than you do as a married one, too.

Just use the extra that is coming in to get cash behind you for your escape. Sounds like you need to put some physical distance between you and him before telling him you've left, too - and not just going to a relative.