What's reasonable contact when breaking up?

[SemiAquaticEggLayingMammal]

I ended a 2 year relationship at the weekend. It wasn't heading anywhere apart from us making each other even more miserable.

I get that he will want to understand my reasoning so I have talked about this during a couple of long phone calls. I don't want to see him as I tried to end things twice before and he persuaded me I was doing the wrong thing, so actually seeing him in person makes me a bit worried that my resolve will weaken again and he'll convince me to try again. But I don't want to, and in my heart I know this is the right thing to do.

I said I didn't want him to text me or call me any more but he still is, asking for answers and throwing accusations about. All unfounded of course but I know he is hurting.

How long do I give him before I block on social media and my phone? I loved him very much at one point and I don't want to be unnecessarily unkind. But I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. Or is this really selfish?

I met him pretty soon after leaving an emotionally and financially abusive relationship/marriage after 20 years so my judgement sometimes is a bit skewed. Need time to get over them both.

Go NC,protect yourself and block him on everything unless you need to leave 1 line of communication open (eg an old email account) if you still have any joint assets etc tying you together that you need to sort.Sort them ASAP then block on email too.

No joint assets CocoKoko.

Doing this would make my life so much easier. I don't want to give him any false impressions or hope of a reconciliation. But it feels really unkind.

Is he dangerous?

SoleBizzz I don't think so, he is unstable mentally at the moment and has struggled with this ever since I've known him, but this has never tipped over into physical violence. But his irrationality does worry me a bit, I am never quite sure what is going to set him off.

In that case, if you’ve already clearly explained your reasons for ending the relationship, I’d block him on everything as there is no reason for you to remain in contact.May seem harsh but necessary, especially if he’s one to push boundaries and keep contacting you

Do what Coco says Semi. Then you can start afresh.

As long as youve answered all his questions then i see no readon to keep in touch. Does he feel that youve been evasive or does he think youre lying?

ForOldLandsEye (great name!) I would go on answering all his questions for ever though. It's the same thing phrased slightly differently, but because he doesn't like the answer (which I can understand because it was me initiating the break up not him) he is asking it again and again hoping to get a different answer.

You have nothing to sort out and ended your relationship. No need for you to have any contact.

He sounds like the kind that will keep going on and on at you for a long time, trying to engage with you, unless you nip it in the bud by not replying.You could just start by not replying but I feel you’ll ultimately have to end up blocking him.As for social media - dependent on how frequently/what you post by keeping him as a friend on there he will be privy to everything you are doing moving on from here so I would block him ob that ASAP.Obviously I don’t know him or what your relationship was like but from what little you’ve said, I’d say he lacks self-awareness and accountability for the part he played in the relationship breakdown plus you said neither of you were happy together and it sounds as though there is nothing to be gained from maintaining a friendship with him.

I feel like such a heel.

But at the same time, why can't I bloody well trust my own judgement?! My boundaries were continually trampled on so I should feel good about setting them clearly, but I don't. I just feel like a horrible person.

It seems like he knows you have weak boundaries and that you will keep answering him. It's not being unkind, it's about what's best for you. The only way forward is to block him and have no further contact. Every time you answer him, it's encouraging him to keep getting in touch.

No joint assets and no children? Block him. There's no need for the hassle.

Block him now.

Hes already taking up too much of your time and mental energy.

Hear hear to 3 pp’s comments

He doesn’t want answers, he wants you to change your mind and he will manipulate you until you do. Block him!

Block him, you don't owe him anything

It's ok to block him now. You don't need to put yourself second.

Have you considered the Freedom Program?

Block him

He's asking questions that don't have answers - well, not answers that anyone else can give him, anyway. He's up against himself, and he's wanting you to solve that for him. The only answers that are worth anything are the ones he'll need to get in therapy or something similar.

I block and delete someone as soon as we break up. Like, as we’re leaving each other’s house or once the decision is made if we live together. If we have to communicate to sort out bills and ending the lease I’ll communicate via email, which I mark to go into a different folder I will check every couple of days.

Sounds extreme but it works. It’s the best, quickest way to start moving on from someone. I found that knowing lines of communication were open and having their stuff to check up on (social media etc) just delays the healing process. The quicker you can get used to a life they’re not part of, the better.

You’ve done your duty, as the dumper you’ve answered his questions and not cut him off right away, now it’s time to cut contact for both of your sanity. Send a message saying you’ve asked him not to contact you and he isn’t listening so you think it’s best to block each other and move on. He has your number, if he really needs something even a blocked number can leave a voicemail that you’ll pick up.

OP, I think you need to tell this man in writing that you've broken up with him, that you've discussed why with him already, and you're not going to do it again. Tell him to stop contacting you. And then DO NOT RESPOND TO HIM EVER AGAIN.

If he does contact you again, ignore him. If he makes you feel even the littlest bit uncomfortable with his contacting, report him to the police. Don't let him draw you into responding. Block. Report. Ignore. If you continue to respond to his messages you will never be free of him.

Cupoblood yes I have thought about the freedom programme, quite a lot. I looked into it the last time I tried to break up with him but there aren't any running in my area in the evenings, and I work so can't get to the ones in the daytime.

wishywashy I read your message in an evil "kill him" voice

@SemiAquaticEggLayingMammal 😂 that's how I said it!! 😂😂