What's reasonable contact when breaking up?

[SemiAquaticEggLayingMammal]

I ended a 2 year relationship at the weekend. It wasn't heading anywhere apart from us making each other even more miserable.

I get that he will want to understand my reasoning so I have talked about this during a couple of long phone calls. I don't want to see him as I tried to end things twice before and he persuaded me I was doing the wrong thing, so actually seeing him in person makes me a bit worried that my resolve will weaken again and he'll convince me to try again. But I don't want to, and in my heart I know this is the right thing to do.

I said I didn't want him to text me or call me any more but he still is, asking for answers and throwing accusations about. All unfounded of course but I know he is hurting.

How long do I give him before I block on social media and my phone? I loved him very much at one point and I don't want to be unnecessarily unkind. But I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. Or is this really selfish?

I met him pretty soon after leaving an emotionally and financially abusive relationship/marriage after 20 years so my judgement sometimes is a bit skewed. Need time to get over them both.

You need to go NC at least for the time being... for both your sales. No amount of talking from you is going to make him feel better until it is 'let's try again'.... so if you dont want to try again then you need to just stop responding to him now. You've given your explanation and that is enough. Now he needs to be left to get over it and move on.

I think you should tell him before you stop responding, just to be kind (which I know you've been already but he is probably hurting...we've all been there). Just a simple "I think I've said all there is to say and can't offer you any more explanations than those I have already given you so I think the kindest/best thing to do now for both of us is to stop contacting each other. I wish you well, etc, etc" and then delete/block him.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do it online.

If you don't want to block, tell him that the reason you broke up was because boundaries were being broken so all he is doing every time he contact you, his now ex, just reaffirms that you were right to break up in the first place. And tell him the next contact he makes will be the one that you use to justify blocking him completely from all contact, so he needs to not contact you ever again.

How long do I give him before I block on social media and my phone

As long as you have told him your reasons - block him now

You think it's kind to keep talking to him, it isn't. He will get false hope.
Tell him, in writing is good, that you need a complete break for the time being (several months). Better for everyone.
Then block everywhere, if he persists warn him you will contact police, and do it. Good luck op

I'm cross with myself now. Have blocked, but he left me a voice message and I rang him back. Gah. Anyway, I ended the conversation cordially but pretty swiftly and asked him not to call again. How do I prevent even voice messages being left? Off to google that!

Plus I'm cross that he then got in contact via his (young) teenager son's messenger, his son was asking if I could unblock his dad so that he could say something he forgot to tell me. I'm going to have to block his son as well aren't I? And then his daughter. Christ.

Just block 'em all. They're nothing to you now.

I don't think I could block the kids without an explanation

Switch off your voicemail

If he keeps on contacting you via the kids I'd send a solicitors letter saying that you're applying for a restraining order

You’ve done your part by breaking up with him respectfully and even having long conversations with him since. The thing is, he won’t get ‘closure’ even from speaking to you unless he agrees with your reasons which seldom happens. For both of your sakes you need to go NC at least for a few months.

Just wanted to pick up on something you said OP My boundaries were continually trampled on so I should feel good about setting them clearly, but I don't. I just feel like a horrible person. You feel like this because you're going against your conditioning (both societal and from your abusive ex) to please men others and put yourself last. So just to confirm and reaffirm for you, going NC with himself (and his DC, not fair on them or you for them to be put in the middle and used as flying monkeys) is absolutely the right thing to do.

You were spot on when you said he doesn't like the answers you've given him and is pushing for a different one and that shows disregard and a lack of respect for your feelings and your decision. It's time to stop feeling guilty about someone who is attempting to override your wishes to get what he wants. Do you think he's feeling guilty about what he's doing to you?

Yes, you need to block them all.

If you have an iOS device, you will NOT be notified that they've called or left a message. Any voicemails will go into a special 'blocked messages' box. You can go to the blocked message box and simply delete the messages wholesale without listening to them.

If I was able to get in touch with the kids mother(s), I'd just give a courtesy "things have ended with their dad, but he's trying to use the kids to get in don't act after I've repeatedly asked him to stop contacting me, please let the kids know they've done nothing wrong and it's not them, it's an adult falling out, and basically she needs to make sure he's not being inappropriate with them over this because they shouldn't be put in the middle like that". Kinda thing.

Block everyone then except maybe the mother. And if he continues from then you need to ring 101 police and report harassment.