I'm too young to be celibate (almost!) right?

[ItsNotEnoughhhh]

I'm 24 and have been with DP (33) for three years now, the sex was great at the beginning with us both making the first move on each other. It's slowly dwindled to once every two weeks and it's progressively getting less and less.

I've spoken to DP about it and he apologies and says he feels stupid making the first move (wasn't bothered about making the first move at the beginning!) and has asked that I make the first move and tell him when I want it. I do tell him and he "forgets" or stays up with a beer by which time I'm too tired anyway.

We attempted it last night and he got too hot and bothered but still carried on - I could see he clearly wasn't enjoying it and asked him to stop. Now he's moping about calling himself useless and says he sorry. It's been like this for a year now, we don't even have any children yet!

We've just got back off the trip of a life time, a chilled, relaxed holiday and we only managed it twice then.

I've tried everything, not asking for it, not making the first move, making the first move, planning it... even dressing up.

We've spoken, he says sorry but nothing changes. Do I have to accept that my sex life will completely stop by the time I'm 25? Christ, that sounds like such a boring life if so.

I understand he doesn't need to have it as much as I do but I'm still human and want some intimacy?

You have different sex drives. There's nothing wrong with either of you. Try to find a compromise, and if you can't you'll need to decide if this is the relationship for you.

Is it selfish of me to break up an otherwise perfect relationship, though?

He can't even manage once a week

You need to tell him that this is an important issue for you and take it from there. Find out of he does just have a lower sex drive or if there might be something else going on that's lowering his libido, work stress for example.

But if in the end he says that this is the way he's going to be from now on, you have to respect that. But you don't have to stay with him. I wouldn't.

There is no right and wrong here. Only what is right for you.

Personally no sex would be a deal breaker for me. I need the intimacy, bond and I have a good sex drive.

Besides, sex is the best free fun ever

Is it because he is worrying he cannot deliver? In which case a visit to the doctor is required.

Would it be a deal breaker for me? I have needs, someone choosing not to have sex with me several times a week would be a deal breaker.

BUT someone who was unable to, or felt they were unable to would get lots of support from me. But I would still expect lots of cuddles, kisses and oral. Not necessarily in that order.

You have no option but to break up. . If he's only having sex to please you at this stage in your relationship, you are facing a life of feeling unwanted and your self esteem whittled down to nothing. You are far too young to live like this. There's more to it then just sex too, there's the missing intimacy and connection that sex brings. All these things are essential to most people in a ltr.

He knows how much it means to me but I genuinely think he just can't be arsed or doesn't see just how important it is.

No issues with "getting it up" ever, when we do it. It can't even be tiredness on his part, he works part time and brings home a fortune.

I work full time whilst studying and do the majority of the house work.

I genuinely think he just can't be arsed or doesn't see just how important it is.

But it's not important for everyone. I've never had a particularly high sex drive and could happily not bother for months - I do enjoy it when it happens but I don't have massive urges like other people seem to.

But if it's not important to him why would he say that he wants me to make the first move? Or that he wants sex regularly.

To keep me happy I guess, like out of duty.

I would suspect it's because it's very hard for a man to say "actually, I'm not that into sex", especially when he loves and cares about the person he's saying it to.

I feel gutted. I love him, I want him but realistically it's not going to work out is it?

What if we want to try and conceive? It'd be near on impossible.

Is there a chance he has a porn addiction op? So many of these posts recently where it turns out he's watching too much and is prioritizing it over real sex.

@Sadiesnakes maybe, I ask him though and he says no... I've caught him on it once before, he left the page up on his phone browser. Only the once and it was a long time ago, I guess still a possibility though.

If a man has a decent libido, he can split his attention between porn and real sex. And even if he were looking at porn a lot, this can itself be a symptom of low libido, where he's trying to stimulate it. He probably just has a low libido. This is a perfectly valid reason to break up your relationship. After all, sex is the one thing you can't get elsewhere, if you believe in monogamy.

It's not selfish.

If you have incompatible sex drives, then you pushing him for more sex will make him miserable, and it will make you feel like shit.

Sometimes relationships just don't work.

As someone who met my DH at around your age (similar age gap between us too), I’ve recently discovered, after 14 yrs of me being totally fed up with a crappy sex life of 1-2 times a month on average if I initiate (16 years total together) that my DH does in fact manage to enjoy looking at porn pics on his phone in secret...total shocker as he’d repeatedly denied he’d ever even looked at any such things and merely suffered from a low sex drive...bloody load of rubbish!

My advice is get out now. You will be in for a life of heartache, self esteem issues etc. It will eat away at you. We’re seperating over it. I honestly wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on my worst enemy, the betrayal in knowing the truth now is truly awful to cope with after years of selfish deceit.

Scott72, just because you can split your interest equally between porn and sex dosnt mean ALL men can, and what's becoming increasingly common here on these boards is in fact a lot of men apparently can't, and as a result their wives and partners are being left with either a really shit or no sex life as a consequence.

Op I'd seriously look into this if he has history looking at porn, chances are it's become a problem because he's now not bothered with real sex and dosnt have any apparent physical problems or medication issues. It's unlikely he'll admit it straight out as he'll be aware it's a problem so I'd carefully consider how to go about bringing it up. Perhaps have some evidence first. I've had plenty of experience with hidden porn problems and as a pp has said I'd get out now if this is the case. Not worth it one bit.

Well it's not working for you.
You see on here all the time how this kind of thing just knocks your confidence further and further down.
You will start to feel shit about yourself.
It's inevitable.
And he wants you to initiate because he's a lazy arse.
Why are you doing all the housework?
Is it your house he's living in?
Honestly you'll start to resent him more and more and then you'll start to despise him.
You are so so young.
Don't settle - please!
Don't waste your 20's on this lazy man.

I already feel shit and i'm fed up of thinking "is it because I've put on 9lbs?" Or "is he not into me anymore"?

Its confusing because he's very affectionate in other ways, just not sexually.

We are renting and saving for a mortgage.

I'm so, so sad.

I'm friends with someone who has spent the last 5 years in a relationship with someone who is the kindest, most caring and attentive boyfriend in the world - but just isnt interested in sex, at all.

Shes done the rounds of "ask, dont ask, dress sexy, be pushy, be distant" etc etc and shes still exactly where she was but 5 years down the line.
Shes been stuck in a limbo of "not unhappy enough to go through the pain of leaving" for most of that.

Don't be that person, it looks utterly miserable.

@StormTreader I think your friend is me!

Make the jump then, don't waste years on being unhappy.

Personally I couldn't do it. There might be a time where we don't have sex for a week due to different things going on, or being with family etc. But even then then two of us are mad for it.

Personally I think sex is so important in a relationship, and if it is like that after 3 years, whats it going to be like in another 3. Maybe talk to him about going to the doc to check there is no other issues, and if not, and he just isn't that into it then move on.

Has he ever suffered from depression or anything else that may effect his sex drive?

No depression, no history of ED, no low libido as such as he says he wants it but never actually follows through.

He doesn't struggle to have sex when we do it - it's the actual getting started part!

It's been like this for a year; I remember having this exact conversation on Valentines Day last year.

He has a low sex drive for some reason by the sounds of it, there has to be a reason why!

One of the pills I was on made my lose my sex drive and I sounded exactly like your boyfriend. You are going to have to have an honest conversation and get to the bottom of it if you want to work on it. It is still a very new relationship to have given up on sex!