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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner’s swinging past

50 replies

Deckard · 28/01/2019 21:54

I have been in a loving long-term relationship for over a decade now. I was told a few years ago in random conversation by my partner that she went to a swingers club with her most recent ex for a laugh, and that they went off into a private room and just had sex with each other. I thought no more about it.

Then about a month ago, I had a random friend request by another of her ex’s on fb (he doesn’t know me) and curiosity got the better of me and I found a profile of her most recent ex on a swingers site. No mention of my partner on there, but it was created when they were together and listed a number of sexual acts that he had done, and in swingers clubs (she says they were all since she dumped him) I asked my partner about this, and she maintains that they only had sex with one another, and the reason they went was just for a laugh.

Eventually she admitted that she was sick of the relationship and that they had previously agreed to see other people (and claims they didn’t) but not as a threesome etc. but in separate rooms etc. She also said that she only suggested an open relationship due to not wanting to be kicked out of the house if she cheated on him and was found out, as she had kids to him and had nowhere else to stay at the time, and did not want to have a messy breakup with judgement from her family etc.

She also said they went twice to the club, but slept only with each other (as there was nobody there she felt attracted to) and that the place was sparsely populated each time.

I’m not bothered about how many people she has slept with, but the fact that she chose to omit the reason for going to a swingers club in the first place. It has made me suspicious about what else she is leaving out.

I have not had reason to suspect my partner in the past, but something like this has shaken me, and my trust in her has lessened. Purely because she didn’t tell me why she went there in the first place. Nobody goes to a place like that for a few drinks without wanting to indulge in something more. Plus her ex’s profile on the swingers site was created almost two years before she said they went to this particular club...

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2019 22:04

Why does it even matter what she did over a decade ago? Do you have any reasons not to trust her now?

Let it go

Rogueaccountant · 28/01/2019 22:06

You are not entitled to know what she did.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 28/01/2019 22:16

She might be minimising it as she's ashamed of it. I'd take her cue and drop it tbh.

Original poster

Deckard · 28/01/2019 22:19

As I said, what she did doesn’t concern me as it isn’t like she has cheated on me. More the fact that she initially lied about the reason for going to the place. I have been completely honest with her about my past, and we both have discussed various aspects of our history with no judgement. If she is going to lie about something as trivial as that, then what else has she left out? And why?

OP posts:

SpiritedLondon · 28/01/2019 22:36

I’m not following all this.... are you talking about something she did 10 years ago? Why not assume she went to a swingers club and had sex with multiple people. She ( possibly) doesn’t want to tell you or feels ashamed because we live in a society that’s not exactly renowned for respecting women’s rights to equality regarding sexual encounters ( slut, slag versus stud etc). Why are you investing so much time investigating her ex? You seem determined to prove that something happened when it seems so irrelevant now after all this time.

user14869556378 · 28/01/2019 22:38

Look to be honest, if I'd done that sort of thing then met someone I really liked who wasn't into that sort of thing, I definitley think I'd keep it to myself. I don't think I'd want to know if my partner had a swinging past, would play with my head constantly.

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2019 22:48

It was a decade ago and she left it all behind her. You need to let it go, otherwise you could destroy a very good relationship.

Remember also the saying 'be careful what you wish for. If she tells you everything you may well wish she hadn't.

Ozziewozzie · 28/01/2019 22:49

I never discuss my previous sexual experiences with a partner ( unless it was very relevant) It's the last thing I'd want a current partner and I to be thinking of.
If I had gone to a swingers club etc, tried it and not liked it, I'd never share that with my partner. I can't see why. If I'm honest I'd feel embarrassed and/or worried he'd either feel intimidated or inadequate.
I think your wife was just protecting her image and told a lie to play it all down. I think her reason for withholding it was correct because I sense you do feel intimidated by her past. I mean this in the kindest possible way, but rather than be a judge and point your finger at your wife, just explain truthfully how knowing this has made you feel. I reckon she'll do everything to reassure you.

forumdonkey · 28/01/2019 23:07

we both have discussed various aspects of our history with no judgement

I disagree, you are judgmental. The fact you're on a swinging site checking out her ex, comparing the dates etc. You are questioning, quizzing her and there's no wonder she is reluctant to tell you anything. BTW, why do you want to know her past. You should concentrate on the relationship you've got because you might end up pushing her away. I wouldn't be happy with you stalking my ex from over a decade ago.

OKhitmewithit · 28/01/2019 23:17

Eventually she admitted how long did you grill her for? Why does it matter, it was an EX

SandyY2K · 28/01/2019 23:49

She lied out of shame. She probably mentioned the little she did in case you found out.

Why did her Ex send you a friend request?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/01/2019 23:59

Don't look behind you.
That's not where you are heading.

She is allowed a past and she doesn't have to tell you about it.
Let it go..... let it goooooo!!!!!

Jsku · 29/01/2019 01:05

You’ve been in a loving happy relationship for 10 years and now your are looking for made up reasons to be off with her?
Why????

Clearly - she and that ex has a complicated and unhappy relationship. She had kids and felt trapped too. Instead of feelingly sorru for her - you are looking for - what exactly?
And - does it even occur to you that - given that the ex is still maintaining the swingers profile - it was all derived by him?

And - by the way - plenty of people go to a swingers clubs and even sex parties and NOT actually engage with anyone. Some go out of curiosity. Others to push boundaries.
And some feel self too conscious

notangelinajolie · 29/01/2019 01:37

It was 10 years ago.

Forget it.

Changedname3456 · 29/01/2019 08:26

I read it as OP has found potential evidence that there was more than one partner she went swinging with. It wasn’t just the most recent ex.

But she’s minimised / lied about it which is the bit he’s upset and concerned about. Is that correct OP?

Even if so, I think it’s just something you have to chalk up to being behind her. I’m sure there are things in your past you’d rather gloss over?

Original poster

Deckard · 29/01/2019 08:42

As I said, I am concerned about her not telling me the full story. Our relationship would have crumbled over a decade ago if I didn’t think she was being totally honest with me. And whether she has had 5, 10 or 50 previous sexual partners makes no difference to me at all. But lying does. I have no skeletons in my closet, and don’t see why she should keep anything from me. Especially as we love each other and I prefer truth to sugar-coated lies.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 29/01/2019 10:24

What specifically do you think she lied about?
You seem to have tied yourself up in knots about some big ‘lie’ she told you????
What are those ‘reasons’ to go to the club you think she is hiding?
🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

So the ex had a swingers profile. How do you know she even knew anything about it back in the day? How do you know what he told her back then.
And how exactly is she supposed to remember so clearly why she decided to go there?
He probably mentioned. And wanted to get her to come - so used whatever persuasion technique he needed to get her to come. She remembers it as going for a laugh.

If she wanted to hide a deep secret desire for orgies that she is keeping from you (your fear?) - she’d never had mentioned going at all

It’s all in your head and something else just be going on. Give yourself a good shake and figure out why you are doing it?
You want to find a reason to break up? You don’t need one - just leave her w/o creating some justification story where she is a bad guy

ladybee28 · 29/01/2019 10:31

It has made me suspicious about what else she is leaving out

If there's no judgement about her past, why does it matter what she leaves out?

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 29/01/2019 10:38

Why should she have told you what she did in the past re her sexual experiences? Why should she give you full details about what she did and why? It's private. Yes, even from you. You were not involved with her at the time so you really are not entitled to know this information.

And you clearly are judging her/jealous & using the line that she should have given full disclosure at the beginning. Absolute bollocks. In fact, I'm getting increasingly angry the more I've written this message. You either get over it & stop interrogating her about her past, or you break up because you can't stop yourself from doing so! Poor woman.

Original poster

Deckard · 29/01/2019 10:39

She said she suggested seeing other people but not with her partner in the same room. She wanted to sleep with an attractive man with the possibility if a relationship and for her ex to go off with another woman. It was her idea of keeping the family together as she didn’t want to be accused of cheating and kicked out. She never truly loved her ex and he was a rebound relationship that went on too long. Her ex was the one who brought up the idea of going to a swingers club. She had no idea what they were like and he already had a profile she says she knew nothing about, as he set it up around the time she became pregnant with their second child.

I do not have any desire to want to break up with her. I love her, she means everything to me. I just want honesty, that’s all.

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/01/2019 10:57

FFS Deckard, you're not getting it are you. She does not have to tell you anything about what she got up to before she met you. You do not have a right to know. If you hassle her about it, she has every right to lie to you if she doesn't want to tell her. The ONLY thing she owes you any honesty about is whether shes likely to give you an STD, and what he's getting up to while you're in a relationship.

My DP might have a checkered past, I don't know, its none of my business so I haven't asked her. The only things I know about her sex life before me is stuff that shes volunteered freely, and vice versa.

YOU are the only person who has done anything wrong here, not her.

KellyanneConway · 29/01/2019 11:07

My friend goes full disclosure with all her partners about what she's done with other men in the past and it does seem to have been effective in sorting out the judgey jealous ones from the more accepting, secure ones. That's up to her.
I however do not want to discuss past sexual experiences with my DH in any detail as it makes me feel uncomfortable, and he hasn't asked me about it in detail. Likewise, I don't want to know about my DH's previous sexual encounters, unless its relevant to our relationship. That does not make me untruthful or untrustworthy in our relationship. If my DH pushed and pushed me to disclose things from my past I did not want to disclose, as you seem to be doing, I would feel bullied and upset. If you do not want to break up with her, respect that she has told you what she wants to you know. Act like a loving partner, stop digging and move on

ErickBroch · 29/01/2019 11:40

You sound very controlling. I was in an abusive relationship where my partner was obsessed with my sexual history and would bring it up constantly, make accusations, say he couldn't help but think about it all the time and 'what i'm not telling him'.

It is LITERALLY none of your business and you need to get over it. She probably wants to forget about it and move on, you are being awful.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 29/01/2019 13:09

Seems to me she has explained plenty. You do not have the right to any of what she has told you. I can't see that she has done anything wrong here OP but help us out if we are all not getting it maybe?

Paddy1234 · 29/01/2019 13:15

Crikey Moses there is NO WAY I would admit to what I was up to twenty years ago - I would quite happily lie myself out of it when challenged 😂

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