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Original poster

Partner’s swinging past

50 replies

Deckard · 28/01/2019 21:54

I have been in a loving long-term relationship for over a decade now. I was told a few years ago in random conversation by my partner that she went to a swingers club with her most recent ex for a laugh, and that they went off into a private room and just had sex with each other. I thought no more about it.

Then about a month ago, I had a random friend request by another of her ex’s on fb (he doesn’t know me) and curiosity got the better of me and I found a profile of her most recent ex on a swingers site. No mention of my partner on there, but it was created when they were together and listed a number of sexual acts that he had done, and in swingers clubs (she says they were all since she dumped him) I asked my partner about this, and she maintains that they only had sex with one another, and the reason they went was just for a laugh.

Eventually she admitted that she was sick of the relationship and that they had previously agreed to see other people (and claims they didn’t) but not as a threesome etc. but in separate rooms etc. She also said that she only suggested an open relationship due to not wanting to be kicked out of the house if she cheated on him and was found out, as she had kids to him and had nowhere else to stay at the time, and did not want to have a messy breakup with judgement from her family etc.

She also said they went twice to the club, but slept only with each other (as there was nobody there she felt attracted to) and that the place was sparsely populated each time.

I’m not bothered about how many people she has slept with, but the fact that she chose to omit the reason for going to a swingers club in the first place. It has made me suspicious about what else she is leaving out.

I have not had reason to suspect my partner in the past, but something like this has shaken me, and my trust in her has lessened. Purely because she didn’t tell me why she went there in the first place. Nobody goes to a place like that for a few drinks without wanting to indulge in something more. Plus her ex’s profile on the swingers site was created almost two years before she said they went to this particular club...

OP posts:

Musti · 29/01/2019 13:16

I don't see the problem. What she did sexually before she met you is none of your business. If she would rather not tell you certain stuff then it's up to her. If you're not bothered or jealous then why did you look him up?? How on earth did you find he was on a swinging site? That's some detective work. And that's after you've been together for 10 years??

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 29/01/2019 13:58

The thing I don't get is that you have said that had you known this all those years ago the realtionship would have 'crumbled'. Really? Are you serious that everything you have had means so little? You see her as a liar to this extent over something that is obviously sensitive to her and when she might (quite rightly) wish to keep some things to herself.
Has she no right to any of these memories being for herself alone?

ElonMask · 29/01/2019 14:26

Firstly OP, if you need to ignore the posters who are saying "her past is none of your business". This is not true, I'm pretty sure if you battered an ex, or when you were 30 your slept with a 16 year old and her friend, they would be bothered by it and wish they had known it.

The point is that any information from the past is relevant if that information affects whether you view the person as someone you want to be in a relationship with.

So what you need to decide is whether this information qualifies as that, we can't answer that question for you.

Josuk · 29/01/2019 15:50

OP - if honesty is all you want - then look at her 10+ years with you.
Has she given you any reasons to doubt her commitment to you?

Of not, then something is off with YOU. And you need to be honest with yourself and her. Don’t torture her with some made up ‘issue’ over ancient past.

She told you how it was for her. For some reason you don’t believe her and went into some paranoia land where you are trying to prove she is deciding you.
Two possibilities here:

A: she has been not trustworthy before, and this triggered a justifiable reaction

B: she’s been a good and trustworthy partner until now.... Something else is triggering you - either a general unhappiness, or you need an excuse to start ending this relationship. Or something else alltogether is causing a MH issue.

RoseOfSharyn · 29/01/2019 15:59

Firstly OP, if you need to ignore the posters who are saying "her past is none of your business". This is not true, I'm pretty sure if you battered an ex

2 consenting adults having sex with each other is not even remotely the same as committing a crime is it?!

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/01/2019 16:20

Deckard Are you always truthful with your dp. So you tell her exactly what you are googling when you are googling it.

Do you tell her you are stalking her ex to uncover some information she has omitted to tell you.

I think you either want out of this relationship and haven't the courage to own the decision or you are abusive and controlling.
Saying that she eventually said something makes me wonder how long you had berated her and she just said anything to get you off her back.

It doesn't make sense.

On the one hand you say you don't care about her past and on the other it is all you can think about.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 29/01/2019 16:21

With what you've said, it's highly likely her ex was interested in swinging well before they went and even things that were her suggestion likely at least in part brought forward by her ex's interest. I know plenty of people who make a profile on swinging or fetish sites out of interest or curiosity who never went forward with it or didn't do anything with it until years after they first started looking as well as those who never consider any such thing until a partner or potential partner brought it up. Her ex's profile doesn't change your current partner's point of view of the situation.

Only you can decide if this is important. Personally, to me, I don't see this as a "sugar-coated lie" but a truth she'd rather not discuss in detail. You might not have skeletons in your closet and you might not see this as a skeleton at all, but some people would see maintaining an unloving relationship for survival and social reasons and doing possibly out of character or unusual for them activities to continue that relationship as something they'd rather omit from their biographies.

For the well-being of your current relationship that you say you care greatly about, I'd really suggest you stop looking into her exes, stop grilling her on her past, and accept the complexity of the human condition means neither her nor your recollection of past events will be perfect and that many of us have great difficulty discussing certain topics even in nonjudgemental spaces which having a partner digging through my exes' accounts would not qualify as one for me.

reallemonade · 29/01/2019 16:56

Just drop it. It's very controlling to expect full disclosure of someone's life before you, particularly their sex life. I've rarely or never discussed previous sexual escapades in a new or current relationship.

ElonMask · 29/01/2019 18:00

2 consenting adults having sex with each other is not even remotely the same as committing a crime is it?! hmm

Lots of things that are not technically crimes would put some people off a relationship with someone else for some people that would include their sexual past. Serial cheating for example, but any attitude to sex that is not consistent with your own is a perfectly valid reason not to be in a relationship with someone. The OP gets to decide, it is his business what criteria he chooses. Withholding information about your past because you think your partner won't view you in the same way is dodgy for several reasons. You shouldn't be expected to produce a list by any means, but deliberately being economical with the truth always carries risks.

Ragwort · 29/01/2019 18:07

You sound very controlling, I have been married 30 years but there are aspects of my previous life that I would never share with my DH. it's not like you are teenagers who need to share every secret thought .

ElonMask · 29/01/2019 18:17

but there are aspects of my previous life that I would never share with my DH.

I must say I am intrigued by this mindset, you obviously do not trust him.

bastardkitty · 29/01/2019 18:21

As I said, I am concerned about her not telling me the full story. Our relationship would have crumbled over a decade ago if I didn’t think she was being totally honest with me. You have no right to know this. Are you controlling in other ways too?

ElonMask · 29/01/2019 18:30

You have no right to know this.

This is spectacularly naive. Past behaviour tells us a lot about a person, it's bizzarre to me that sexual ethics are out the window and a clean slate must be given or you are an abuser. Why must aspects you consider unsavoury about your partners sexual past be off limits ? If I discovered my husband had had hundreds of sexual partners in the year before he met me, I would never be with him. Many people do not share that attitude and that is fine for them, but there is a big difference between pouring over the minutae of your partners sexual history and having some rough idea about it. The idea it should be totally off limits is a bit bonkers.

flowersonthemoon · 29/01/2019 18:31

This is controlling behaviour. She does not owe you details, it was years ago.

I've been on receiving end of similar behaviour. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship for me.

forumdonkey · 29/01/2019 18:38

Perhaps your partner enjoyed swinging and swinging clubs but won't disclose that to you because you don't and are clearly judgmental about it

SpiritedLondon · 29/01/2019 18:41

Why must aspects you consider unsavoury about your partners sexual past be off limits ?

Maybe because it’s not a level playing field and women are judged more harshly than men for exactly the same behaviour. In addition, the OP is obsessing about behaviour that occurred 10 or more years ago. How long can the wife expect to endure this kind of scrutiny for, considering it was one incident in question ? Would you seriously set aside a 10 year relationship that you describe as good to root around in an incident that she has in fact chosen to disclose in the first instance. If the OP was going to get ants in his pants about her swinging ( and whether she did or did not have sex with more than one person at that event) then the time to discuss it was at the time of disclosure.

Etino · 29/01/2019 18:43

You are abusive @Deckard

Sproutsandall · 29/01/2019 19:06

But Elon, that’s exactly what the Op is doing - poring over the minutiae. She told him she went to a swinging club but didn’t want to pursue it as a lifestyle...that’s all he ´needs’ to know.
If my partner asked if I had ever had anal sex’ for example, I would tell him the truth, but not who with or what it felt like, because...why?
If my partner told me he had been to a prostitute, I wouldn’t be asking for the details, I would be just dumping because that’s my line in the sand.
Going to a swingers club is obviously not a dealbreaker for the op, so why does he need to know more than what his partner did exactly ?

forumdonkey · 29/01/2019 19:27

@Deckard, why did you go on a swingers site 'to find' her ex?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/01/2019 19:28

I think you have a problem, OP. And the problem is not your partner.

Gina2012 · 29/01/2019 19:39

Yup @Deckard

You have a problem with control.

Which you are dressing up prettily and passive aggressively as 'I just want us to tell each other the truth'

Bollox.

ElonMask · 29/01/2019 19:40

I don't know about that sprouts

What I do know is that if I discovered my husband had been to a swingers club and had sex with 3 women on the same night for example,I would not be comfortable with it. I would also not like it if a bunch of blokes on the internet were telling him his wife was just jealous or uptight or abusive.

Having anal sex and getting shagged by multiple blokes at once for example are not the same thing.

It is odd the OP has chosen now to get upset about it.

MistressDeeCee · 29/01/2019 22:56

10 years ago and you're going on and on as if it was 10 weeks/days ago

I don't believe for a moment the ex suddenly friend requested you. You are stalking his profile.

You sound obsessed and if you keep grilling her about what she did before she met you - which is nothing to do with you anyway hence so what if she omitted parts of it? - I hope she dumps you.

Then you won't have to worry about it anymore will you?🙄

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 30/01/2019 08:20

What is it you want OP? Your partner has given you honesty/ what she has been comfortable to share of her past with you. You had your time to choose whether to find this information too much and walk away. You have now been with your DP for TEN YEARS! Surely for your relationship to last this long then there has to be love, trust, honesty and a strong relationship? You shouldn’t even be thinking about your dp’s sexual history after TEN YEARS together! The fact that you are makes me think you have serious control/ jealousy issues. You are looking for things that you can punish your dp for from her past and that is warped!

My dh had a very experienced sexual history when we got together- I was a virgin when we met and could have driven myself crazy with feelings of inadequacy. Instead I left his past in the past- where it belongs and we have had fifteen years of love, trust, friendship and shared memories- not to mention our two beautiful children. I would never dream of looking up his ex’s or going over his sexual history with a fine tooth comb, looking for anything that I can punish him over today! That would be incredibly abusive of me to do!

thisusernameisrubbish · 30/01/2019 17:04

I don't believe for a moment the ex suddenly friend requested you. You are stalking his profile.

^ Exactly.

You have clearly got a lot of free time to be obsessing over things like this from 10 years ago. I can barely remember what I did 10 days ago let alone that long ago, plus when it comes to sexual history and what I got up to back then - I was of a completely different mindset and would not expect to be judged on it by a new partner.

Your quest for exposing a 'lie' is going to destroy your relationship. You are also not being truthful by stalking her ex (as if he friend requested you - lol!!!) and setting up an account to find his profile - I mean who does this?

Either you want out like others are saying, or you're really bored and have wayyyy too much time on your hands right now.

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