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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why aren’t I happy?

50 replies

Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 14:55

Been with DP for almost 10 years. 2 kids. We’re finally engaged and have the wedding booked for next summer. Great. Is it though?
I feel like I’ve got ants in my pants. I still love a little flirt/ego boost and find my eye wandering a little too far at times.
Me and DP haven’t had the easiest relationship. He’s given me lots of reasons not to trust him over the years(I’m already losing sleep over his stag do!!)
We have a nice home, we still laugh together, sex is good and often.
My friends and I were out at the weekend and wegot chatting to a group of men. We had a good crack with them. One was flirting wildly with me. It felt nice(especially as he was much younger than me and very attractive). He found me on sovial media and has been messaging me. Pretty innocent, but I’m enjoying the attention, that I probably don’t get off DP.
Should I be getting married if I’m feeling like this?? Feel like I’m about to have some sort of midlife crisis!!

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 28/01/2019 16:59

Probably not.

Doesn’t sound like you’re ready to commit to your DH to be. Be kind to him and end it.

WH1SPERS · 28/01/2019 17:03

No it’s not pretty innocent. Messaging a ramdom man who you flirted with in a pub on a girl’s night out isn’t innocent. It’s playing with fire and pretty childish.

If you want an open relationship with your partner then agree the terms with him first.

MarieG10 · 28/01/2019 17:14

You have ants in your pants for a reason, one of those being that you have lots of reasons not to trust him so listen to your own doubts and don't even think of going ahead it's the marriage

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/01/2019 19:14

Clearly both of you aren't trustworthy so you sound like a good match...

I give it a year tops before you're back on here saying you've cheated!

Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 19:20

Muncher, you’re probably not far wrong. Feels like a slippery slope. I don’t feel like I’m getting anything ‘real’ out of our relationship. He comes in from work and just starts fucking moaning. At me. At the kids. Ive said to him before that I’m not entirely happy, he’s looked like he’s listened, but I don’t think he does. He makes a bit more effort for a day tops, then it’s bsck to the usual grind.
I’m not expecting loves young dream anymore, but I still want to feel wanted. To feel sexy to him. I look ok for my age I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 19:21

I don’t think I want to be in this situation for the rest of my life. Which is why I think I’m having a wobble now

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 28/01/2019 19:29

So you're bored with the daily routine?
Everyone's life is a routine, work, home, eat, TV, bed. That's life.
If you're not happy, change it up, be the change you want to see.

Also, believe me when I say this, that younger flirty man found you on social media because he thinks he'll be able to convince you to shag him eventually. He won't want a relationship, he isn't really interested in your life or being an ear for you to moan too. Once he's got his leg over he'll be off.

Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 19:57

How do I change it? I wanted DP to propose for so long. I thought it was the missing piece of the puzzle and everything would be wonderful if/when he did. It was, for a few months. But not now. I don’t think marriage is the answer to our problems-I’m not even sure what our problems are?? We don’t get to spend much time together as a couple, which probably doesn’t help things.
I’m fully aware why that man looked me up.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 28/01/2019 20:04

*Im not even sure what our problems are”

I bet everyone else reading this will be able to tell you.....
”He’s given me lots of reasons not to trust him over the years(I’m already losing sleep over his stag do!!)”

I expect you thought if he just committed to you, you would know hi wants only you and he’d never stray again. Now he’s proposed you have realised you will never be able to trust him.

I wouldn’t many anyone I couldn’t trust.

KlutzyDraconequus · 28/01/2019 20:04

Marriage won't fix something that's broken, it will shine a light on it and force it under a microscope.

But as for things you can do, you need to figure out what you want.

If you want to spend more time with OH, then make it happen. Suggest something as simple as a date night once a month. Or a weekend away together.
If you're bored with the routine, flip it, change it, take up swimming and go every Thursday, book a day off whilst the kids are at school and go for a winter walk.
If you don't like his moaning, tell him he has 1 hour to moan when he gets in, that's it, once his hours up, you'll listen to no more of it.
If you're just sat watching the telly at night, turn it off, get a deck of cards, turn your phone's off and play a game of rummy.

Etc etc.

Obviously this will only work if he wants to change, if he doesn't want to change, time to contemplate futures.

Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 20:23

Our babysitters are few and far between so, more often than not, if we do go out, it’s at different times. We’re running the risk of leading separate lives.
He’s a bit gross too... picks his toenails, scratches his arse, picks his nose, pisses on the toilet seat, leaves skids, takes his clothes off as one(think tshirt inside a jumper!), farts in bed. That’s not attractive!! I don’t want to see that.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 28/01/2019 20:29

Sounds like you need to move on really. Sounds like you don't like him very much.

Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 20:31

How do you ‘move on’ from someone you’ve made a life and a family with? The children would be devastated. I don’t know if I could do that to them.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 28/01/2019 20:34

Well, ask yourself, do you want this life for 5 years? How about 20?

Only you can decide what you want to do. Talk to him, see if you can sort it or leave. As for kids, is it fair for the to be raised believing all is well when really their mum is lying to them day in and day out?

ErickBroch · 28/01/2019 20:34

How old are you both OP (roughly)?

category12 · 28/01/2019 20:39

It's no kind of life together when you have no trust. The answer to it is not more commitment.

Kids adapt.

LuckyLou7 · 28/01/2019 20:41

He sounds repulsive.
picks his toenails, scratches his arse, picks his nose, pisses on the toilet seat, leaves skids
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with such an unappealing specimen?

Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 20:41

Mid 30s

OP posts:
Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 20:43

No lucky. I want him to realise how gross it is and stop doing it! I see men looking all clean and tidy, and think, bet he wouldn’t do any of that nasty shit! Wouldn’t mind so much if he did it in another room!!

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 28/01/2019 20:55

Tell him how disgusting you find him. How much off a turn off he is.
Stop chatting to the younger fella on social media though, you're playing with fire.

Original poster
Crapsicles · 28/01/2019 21:24

I’ve tolf him lots and lots of times! Falls on deaf ears

OP posts:
category12 · 28/01/2019 21:26

Not surprisingly when you've agreed to marry him. I mean, talk about mixed messages.

category12 · 29/01/2019 06:24

I don't trust you and you're gross, of course I'll marry you!

fikel · 29/01/2019 09:38

Didn’t you see all these faults before you had his children????????

Original poster
Crapsicles · 29/01/2019 13:28

We had the kids quite early in our relationship.
We had a chat last night and again today. Told him I was feeling detached from him lately. And the last time I felt properly loved it a tiny bit special, was when he proposed. And I also said that a lot of his habits were a bit off-putting. He’s promised to try harder to address these things.
Also said I’m losing sleep over his stag do. Not much he can do about that-stag parties are all part of a wedding

OP posts: