Hi folks NC here just encase I become identifiable.
Needing some advice on how best to deal with my FIL who is basically a total dick!
Sorry for the essay but a bit of background to my post is:
My DH & I & are very close, we are literally best friends & I could never imagine my life without him. In the reasonably short time we've been together we've bought a home, got married & are now due our first DC together very soon. My DH will credit me with "saving him" (an accolade I'm not too comfortable with as believe he done this himself but acknowledge the role I have played) from his own mental health struggles & for long periods of depression. He will acknowledge that before we met he was an angry person who didn't understand anything about himself. My DH has been through quite a bit including a previous failed marriage that didn't end great for my DH but he has his own DS from it who is very much loved & part of our life. However the main source of my DH's struggles which he has only fairly recently recognised comes from the relationship with his father.
My FIL abused him physically & emotionally all his childhood. Some of the stories are literally too heartbreaking to post (particularly given my current hormonal state) but a theme of violence, indifference, mind games & control all characterised my DH's childhood. Some of the examples I feel able to describe were at the age of 10 he was beaten by the side of a football pitch by him for not playing well enough & other parents had to intervene to pull him off my DH. My DH describes the worst thing about that being was the shame & embarrassment he felt that another parent became involved & not upset at the beating. Another one at about the age of 13 was after being at swimming in the next town one Sunday night my DH missed the last bus home & called my FIL to ask for a lift. He laughed at him & told him "to get to fuck & walk it". The walk was literally a 7 mile walk along a poorly lit duel carriageway. It took him hours to get home. He recalls doing it, getting in & no one saying anything about it. He would regularly laugh & mock my DH calling him "gay" or a "poof" often in front of people who would often join in the ridicule. He recalls no incidences of love or affection from him except when he was drunk but then the next next day it would be even worse again.
My DH witnessed similar abuse to his DM & DS. He controlled family life growing up. He kept them poor & to this day talks about all the savings he had but would never put his hand in his pocket to help anyone & his literally let terrible financial things happen to his family & not stepped in because he was ultimately ok!
My DH left home young & over the years my FIL has continued to behave in controlling & abusive ways towards him. Yes the physical abuse stopped (my DH is quite strong & could always handle himself) but the emotional abuse & control continued.
He is a particularly unpleasant man. He is a complete narcissist. Textbook narcissist who complains & moans about everyone & everything. Everything is from his agenda & he can switch from the overbearing controlling narcissist to the one who shows no interest in anyone else. His stories always start about how someone has wronged him & or has behaved badly when he in my opinion is the worst kind of person. He has very little in his life now. No hobbies or interests or friends. Which I may add is the opposite of my DH who has lots of these things. Part of the problem is I believe he is jealous of my DH & always has been. He continues to control my MIL who according to my DH has all her life tried her best to counter act his behaviour but is largely powerless. Some of the things he has done to her over the years is horrendous but at the same time I can't help feel that her fear of him has made her complicit in the abuse that my DH experienced.
My DH has dealt with it over the years by having as little to do with him as he can. They have no relationship but ultimately because he is still with my MIL he has had to see him & his behaviour is so over bearing that it still affects my DH whenever he has been around him.
It all came to a bit of a head a couple of years ago. I lost my own DF following an illness. A man who was literally the opposite of my FIL, fucking typical eh? In that time my DH was my rock & grew very close to my own family. I believe he witnessed first hand true love & support of a normal family unit. It was around this time that my DH began making realisations about his own childhood & we would talk for hours at a time about it. My DH had never previously spoken to anyone before about the abuse let alone acknowledge it was abuse. It broke my heart to know what he had been through but I was so proud of him for understanding what it was & the effect it has had on my DH's life ever since.
One night not long after my own DF passed my DH was at his parents house, I wasn't there. My FIL made some typically narcissist remark which for my DH was the straw that broke the camels back. My DH & him had a very aggressive argument & my DH walked out & never spoke to him for months. He felt empowered & relief that he had cut ties & no longer had to be around him. In that time my DH's family were desperate for them to 'make up' & move on by my DH wasn't interested. After some time my DH then decided to confide in my MIL about his realisation of the years of abuse. My MIL broke down & acknowledged initially all that happened. Took responsibility for her role & supported my DH's right to not what my FIL in his life. This reaction was unfortunately short term. Very quickly, as in within hours, my MIL went into shut down mode & wouldn't talk about it anymore to my DH & to this day never has. She acknowledges that DH & FIL don't have relationship & that FIL is a pretty miserable human being but that's it. Very quickly it went back to sweeping it under the carpet & behaving as if nothing has happened. Even though she is utterly miserable in her life with FIL his control is just too much for her to break through.
SIL acknowledged it much more although doesn't acknowledge the extent her own abuse at the hands of him as much as my DH said it happened. She still has a relationship with FIL but much of that I believe is for my MIL's sake.
My DH eventually decided to write a letter to my FIL detailing his childhood experiences & his understanding now. He very quickly got a response from FIL apologising for it all. He claimed he didn't remember most of it but if my DH said it happened he's not going to say it didn't. He excused a lot of it by saying he was treated harshly by his parents & it's just a generational thing where mine find it difficult to show affection even though he was only 2 years older than my own DF was! It was a difficult one for my DH to digest as on the one hand he got an apology but on the other hand felt it muddied the waters in terms of how my DH would approach their relationship going forward. Could he continue to have NC with a man who has apologised? Maybe he could change? FIL's response was also what I believe led my MIL to want to keep sweeping it under the carpet & move on as if it's all sorted. Since then my DH has somewhat muddled through & as much as he can maintaining NC with FIL although it's hard & there has been times whereby FIL was forced up on him or into situations my DH & I would rather he or we weren't in mainly by MIL. MIL & DH's relationship has suffered in this time & it's hard to witness. I know how much DH means to MIL but her inability to talk to my DH about it has put a massive strain on their relationship & led to a lot of hurt on DH's part that she can't support him more.
Up to present day and as I said earlier we are due our own DC very soon. From my own point of you I am really struggling to deal with what role FIL will have in their life & feel I'm beginning to obsess over this. I accept that a lot of that will be to do with my own personal grief at my own DF not being here anymore & how hard that is for me. However I am also finding it hard to understand what role he can play in my own DC's life when he has caused so much damage to everyone else & continues to to this day. He has never bonded with my SS even tho he is like the easiest SS in the world so not figuring it would be any different with my DC but at the same it causes me real anxiety. A few months ago he actually said "oh I've just realised I will be the one grandpa for the baby, I'll be quite important to him then". As if I could forget about my own DF's passing. At the time I actually didn't react but I replay his words over & over in my head & I feel like I hate him!! And I don't hate anyone so for me this is extreme.
My DH has assured me that he will never be allowed or in a position to hurt our DC but I really feel anxious about it to the point I'm waking up through the night thinking about him (& to go for a pee for about 100th time).
FIL knows I don't like him & tries to be super friendly but I find that just so irritating. It's like the huge elephant in the room that doesn't get dealt with. I also could be adding this into the mix too because I dislike him so much but I also find him creepy. He invades your personal space & on occasion when sitting near me has put his hand on my leg, has touched me round the waist a few times under the guise of "I'm just trying to squeeze through" when really he didn't need to as well as commenting once once on how short my dress was at a wedding & could I not get one to fit me. He was also strangely close to my DH's ex & would meet her for drinks after they had split up! I still find this weird as does my DH. As well as this he has recently started popping over uninvited to our home & tries to just walk in, I know make sure door is constantly locked! Given my current pregnancy state I have a lot of the time been in pjs & nighties with no bra on etc. I find it very uncomfortable especially the last two occasions when my DH hasn't been home. The last time I actually stayed up the stairs & only spoke to him from over the bannister as I thought "no why should I?" We don't have any relationship & you are coming to our house uninvited, I shouldn't need to sit & have a coffee with you when I know what done. No one in my life just drops in without proper notice even my own DM who I'm very close with. Given my current state & also once DC is born & me attempting to BF I just feel really uncomfortable with these unannounced visits & feel it's another form of control that he's trying to exert.
My DH is doing really well & mentally the strongest he has been in his whole life & i'm unbelievably proud of him. He can actually be very pragmatic in his dealings with his DF & in a way i feel it is me who is struggling more with it right now hence why I try to
hold back on bringing it up with him every 2 minutes!
Anyway apologies again for my massive essay but this has been building up for so long now & felt the need to rant.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated ❤️ xx