How to deal with ineqality with finances

[Butterflyone1]

Hi,

I'm just wondering how people deal with inequality with finances with their partner. I have a lovely boyfriend who has three kiddies with his ex. He pays her child support and extras for clubs etc which I completely accept.

I always pay for things for the kidides too. He doesn't ask me to but he's already stretched so I like paying for clothes, holidays, days out.

I earn a fair bit more than him (around a third more than his salary) but I still have my own commitments such as mortgage, bills etc. He sometimes asks me to lend him money and I do it but I'm not a fan of doing this. He tries his hardest to save money but he spends most of his money on the kids.

What worries me is if we have a child of our own, I will have to support the child pretty much on my own. I accept that but I do slightly resent it.

He's ex never seems to buy the kids clothes and they always come round with clothes too small or holes in (hence why I buy them clothes).

I love my OH and the kids so much but I just wondered if others have a similar situation or perhaps any suggestions on how to get over the money issue. Everything else between us is perfect.

There's no poi t worrying about what the ex does or does not do.

It actual fact you will have very factual knowledge of this and doesn't change you situation.

You need to have a discussion if you are joining finances and have a budget for things.

Failing that, you need to accept that he will always be skint and you will be subsidising him.

Or not take the relationship further. Dp earns far less than me. But it's not an issue for me. I knew this when I met him and we decided to move in together. On the plus side my career is prioritised by both of us. He does loads at home so I can work. I love my career and I love how supportive he is.

Thanks for the reply. I think you're on to something. Things don't need to have a monetary value. We don't live together currently but perhaps if we do live together then he can help more around the house and that may even things out.

Financially he will be better off if we live together as he can rent his house out and we live together in my house and split some of the bills. I need to remember the long term plans.

Three kids are expensive. The fact that he supports them properly is a testament to his good character. However, unless his earning potential is likely to improve then yes, if you have a child together, it'll be your money that goes into supporting your child (as he's already struggling financially).

I was expecting just a how to split bills post due to a big disparity in income.

How long have you been together and does he live with you?

Are you 100% certain what his wages are?

Sorry cross post, see you don’t live together.

I don’t know where you are in this relationship. You describe yourself as a girlfriend rather than partner. So I assume you have not discussed or agreed to be in a committed relationship. This would involve a discussion about sharing or not sharing finances and how you intend to live your lives. It would also involve deciding if you will be having children together, bearing in mind he has 3 already which he struggles to afford. None of these things are unilateral nor can we, random strangers, provide any concrete advice not knowing either of you and your representative finances.

I would question your involvement with the children. I’m always a bit worried about new partners getting involved in parenting until or unless they are in a stable committed relationship with one of parents. Even then, it is the parents who are responsible for their children. It is their love that matters to the children.

Next time you boyfriend is short of money, offer to help him sort his finances. Don’t lend him money and don’t but his children clothes. That is his responsibility.

Differences in income don’t really matter. Differences in aspiration and outlook do matter. At the very least he may well have decided he is done with having children. You haven’t and these kids already have a mother, there’s no vacancy.

We've been together for just over a year and we're definitely in a committed relationship. Girlfriend/partner it's all the same in my opinion :-P

We have spoken about having children together and he wants that too. He can afford the kids, it's just he doesn't have much left over. He lives pay to pay check but it's manageable.

I think I just need to accept the situation and I just wondered practically how people deal with it.

You are right to be worried for your own finances. as you can see the ex (mum) finds it hard to support 3 kids by herself, which is quite quite normal and you will end up with 4 or more to support. It is no mean feat to support children even with maintenance but together you would have increased income but split living costs so you would already be better off.
But if he can’t afford the 3 he has he would be quite foolish to have another one

He can't afford his existing kids, as you are already helping pay for things and lending him money.

Imagine you do have a child. 1/3 extra salary may seem a lot now, but during maternity leave you'd be in trouble, then afterwards you are likely to be the one paying for all the childcare and still struggling for cash.

He sounds like a decent enough dad and man, but a pretty bad prospect for you long term, unless he is able to find a better paying role or significantly cut his spending on his existing kids (which sounds like a recipe for disaster).

You need to have a proper conversation about current and future financial plans BEFORE you get any more involved and start thinking about living together, having children, etc.

How he reacts will give you a huge clue as to whether your relationship has a future.

Definitely don't just brush it under the carpet and just "assume" it will all work out. You need it out in the open. He needs to commit to what he'll do with the rent from his house, whether you'll both put your respective houses into joint names, etc., how he'll spend his money once you've had a child together, etc.

If he won't talk about it properly, or is just vague and elusive, or worse if he gets angry, then you know there's no future.

Before me and Dp moved in there were extensive conversations and legal stuff.

I have my own house and a mortgage. He moved in with me. We have a set amount he pays and then a joint savings account.

I legally protected the equity that was in the house. If we split, I would be happy to share any equity from when he moved in but not before he moved in. He totally understood this and was more than happy to do this. If your boyfriend isn't, then that's a concern.

The difference in my situation is that my Dp only has one son who is 22 and has his own place. When you have kids, you should always be prepared for something to happen and them move back, imo. If his son needed to come and live with us, he could. However, I would be concerned about splitting with your boyfriend if you moved in together. In that event, the children would lose the place they call home. This should be a huge concern for him.

I also think that unless you have a proper conversation about finances and him sorting his spending out, you may come to regret. My Dp doesn't earn much, but he is careful with his spending too. I am not paying for everything.

Not the same but my DP and I split the bills/mortgage/etc costs by percentage. AKA what I earn compared to him, the difference, and then it's split that way. I think it's fair!

Thanks for the replies. So the plan is when we live together, he will rent out his house and the rent will pay his mortgage. Then we will live in my house, I pay the mortgage but split the bills.

I'd like to protect the equity in the property but I'm not sure how. The loan to value will be very small as I have a lot of equity already.

We have had quite a few conversations about money but he is very black and white. He says I knew his 'situation' when we got together. Basically meaning he has three kids he needs to pay for. Of course I knew that, I just didn't realise how little money he has left each month.

I provides 100% for the kids. He pays more than CSA states, plus at least another £100 extra each month on clubs, phone bill for the eldest etc.

I buy clothes and things like that only because I don't think the kids should walk around in clothes too small or holes in. The ex send them with such mismatching clothes that I feel bad for the kids.

I think moving forward I just need to back away from anything to do with his finances. He's an adult and can deal with things himself.

He pays more than CSA states, plus at least another £100 extra each month on clubs, phone bill for the eldest etc
So he DOES have enough money - he just chooses not to prioritise the rest of his life.
If he wanted to he could cut back on the extra maintenance/top ups so he can afford other stuff - but he doesn't want to.

There IS enough money for the dc clothes - obviously the mum is choosing to send them to their dad wearing ill fitting clothes.
Unfortunately this is a well used tactic by some nasty parents - make the dc suffer so you can play pathetic games with your ex.
What happens to the clothes you've been buying for them - do you ever see them wearing them again/at their dads house?
Your dp should be tackling this - not passing the buck on to you by stealth.
If he wanted to he could even use the extra money he pays to buy clothes etc for the dc that remain in his house and send them back in the clothes they came in.
It's hassle for the dc but sometimes this is the only way to deal with these games.

The fact is your dp doesn't want to manage the situation better.....and he's got no incentive to do so when you're right there constantly bailing him out and taking on what should be his responsibility towards his dc.
Perhaps you should remind him of his options the next time he asks to borrow money from you?
I would stop financing him and his dc, and i certainly wouldn't be making plans about moving in with him with this red flag waving about.

I earn more than dp who has three children already plus our child together. We split everything bills wise jointly minus the costs for his other three children. I was clear on the start I'm happy to pay bills n food etc or treat if I want to but normal Livingston costs for his children are his responsibility.
Recently he raised wanting our son in childcare maybe more often as it would help him, I said if he couldn't pay for halg if it then it wasn't going to happen. Sounds harsh but it stops resentment from me and means everyone is clear financially

Sorry for the typos !

It’s not always a nasty tactic at all. I think he should try to talk to her but it could well be she is struggling too

Without wanting to project I can offer another perspective and on MN there is a lot of GF’s who post about the DC mothers not prioritising clothes. A lot. I am a single parent to 2DC and there were times I prioritised food and bills over new clothes. New clothes were no use keeping a roof over our head. They keep bloody growing and I couldn’t always keep up. I would try sewing things up or even gluing them and would feel like crying when one of them accidentally ripped a jumper or lost a shoe because I found it hard to keep up with keeping them clothed to a certain standard that their DF and his GF saw as right. They would buy them lovely things from Next and M&S that I could never afford myself. It’s ok to buy them clothes but perhaps it needs to be more of a very practical and basic variety that will actually benefit DC and help the mother out. Ex used to buy them all kind or nice but impractical clothing I was then too worried to put on them in case they ruined them! Then he will not feel like he’s constantly buying clothes

I think moving forward I just need to back away from anything to do with his finances. He's an adult and can deal with things himself

But you can't do that once you have DCs, not really. What about if you want to take 12 months leave but have to rush back as he can't cover the unpaid section? The costs for his existing dcs will only grow as they do - and even if he's playing more than CMS, it's entirely possible that his ex is skint, those amounts are not much to clothe and feed and house (and provide childcare for) three growing children.

He has been entirely honest, bt the sounds of it, and that is commendable. But it seems like you are thinjing that there'll be a future point when you'll have separate finances but also a child together but also somehow he'll not need to keep borrowing, even though with only 3 DC's he can't meet his costs every month. It won't happen, he's made that very clear but it seems like you are perhaps bit ready or able to hear it yet.

Thanks again for the replies. So I did start buying all brand new clothes but they do grow so fast so I’ve started buying clothes from eBay in bundles. We used to always keep the clothes at our houses but I’ve said the kids can take them home so they get to wear them more.

So DP ex only works two days a week. She decided to drop her hours to increase her benefi options. All kids are at school age and DP helps with child care whenever requires. She’s also lucky to have great parents available to help.

I am in a financial position where I could live off my savings whilst on maternity. I am lucky to have this financial stability.

The reason he pays more money for the kids is a combination of classic guilt for not being with them every day and also he’s worried about the backlash from his ex.

She’s very manipulative with the kids. I’m not just taking my DP word for it but I see it first hand. The children always worry about their mum. They say she’s poor and if she doesn’t have the kids at the weekend, she tells them she’ll be lonely.

There’s nothing we can do about that. It’s sad as all we want is for the kids to be strong, happy and healthy.

You’ve all helped loads with advice regarding finances so I really appreciate it.

Ok
I see that it is hard not to judge in this situation. I do think you need to take an impartial view because it will curb your underlying resentment of his ex. There are some real shiners in your posts

1. Whatever hours she chooses to work or not Work is not down to you. You don’t have 3 kids and likely do not know the full picture at all. If she’s on UC or WFTC then she needs to be working a certain number of hours and if it works out she is better off working less hours for the same money but home more for the kids after school or has other reasons it’s not her who made the rules

1. You say your BF helps her with ‘childcare’ of his own children (therefore this is not childcare it’s parenting) but is it during the school week or weekend dad? then it sounds like after doing all the school drudgery all week long she is then sad at not seeing her kids all weekend while they are out having fun (with the lady with all the money who buys them nice things). Maybe he could even it up by changing his own work hours to care for them not at weekends

1. Kids seeing mum struggle for money must mean that she really is struggling looking after 3dc all by herself. The fact the kids care about her is really kind of them and means they have been brought up nicely?

1. I’m glad you decided to let mum use the clothes too so she didn’t have to keep sending them in the same too small clothes and the kids didn’t keep getting upset about ‘GF’s clothes’ and ‘mummy’s clothes’

1. Your BF has a vested interest in maintaining a ‘poor him’ kinda script here - he gets someone to help pay for his own DC and help him with all the childcare so he’s not having to do it by himself . You also only know his side of events and his perspective. Him feeling guilty is partly normal but it’s not your role to put barriers between him and his ex by getting him to stand up to her holey clothes and lack of work ethic.

1. You will not come out of this as the bigger better person for having more money and common sense of someone who doesn’t have DC yet. It doesn’t work like that. You need to accept exactly what he’s telling you that this IS his life and this is what it looks like. Trying to change him/the way he does things by turning it on his ex won’t help you. If he is already stretched to his limit then that is what it is. You can have a child with him but you will always be in the same precarious financial situation because he has 3 other kids.

Sorry if harsh
Been there on both sides - didn’t end well

She decided to drop her hours to increase her benefit options
Having been in this situation (single mum of 3), I would hazard a guess that she is on minimum wage? In which case working full time would leave her worse off financially. Please don't assume she is simply being lazy.

Ah, ok, this is one of those ‘his ex is a lazy benefit claimer and I’m a hard-working tax payer’ threads, isn’t it? Have a

@HeddaGarbled

It’s a kind of ‘my poor put upon boyfriend is totally manipulated by his ex into paying £100 extra a month he’s so hard done by’. If I had £1 for all the threads I have read over the years the say the exact same story... or they are all dating the same man?

You need to stop judging his ex.

Exhs girlfriend has a view of me that is total bollocks. It was completely influenced by things exh told her that were lies and half truths. The fact is, is that you don't know her motivation or thinking.

Also as a single parent to 2 kids. I can total understand if she is a low earner why she would cut hours and go on benefits.

I work full time but earn well. It's fucking exhausting. If I earned very little but, was just as exhausted and I could work less and be the same or better off, i would do it in a heart beat.