How to deal with ineqality with finances

[Butterflyone1]

Hi,

I'm just wondering how people deal with inequality with finances with their partner. I have a lovely boyfriend who has three kiddies with his ex. He pays her child support and extras for clubs etc which I completely accept.

I always pay for things for the kidides too. He doesn't ask me to but he's already stretched so I like paying for clothes, holidays, days out.

I earn a fair bit more than him (around a third more than his salary) but I still have my own commitments such as mortgage, bills etc. He sometimes asks me to lend him money and I do it but I'm not a fan of doing this. He tries his hardest to save money but he spends most of his money on the kids.

What worries me is if we have a child of our own, I will have to support the child pretty much on my own. I accept that but I do slightly resent it.

He's ex never seems to buy the kids clothes and they always come round with clothes too small or holes in (hence why I buy them clothes).

I love my OH and the kids so much but I just wondered if others have a similar situation or perhaps any suggestions on how to get over the money issue. Everything else between us is perfect.

I don't judge anyone but I do gain a picture from someone's actions.
My DP made the heart breaking decision to leave his children as he was in an abusive and manipulative relationship for 12 years. It's not always the women whom are victims.

I see first hand how she acts however how she acts is irrelevant as I can't control how she acts, I can only control how I react.

I just find it heart breaking when the children are suffering.

She has had a partner since 3 months after DP left, that was 3 years ago however she tries to control as much as she can.

She is a very clever women with a very good job. She certainly isn't on minimum wage. Her boyfriend helps financially too although he doesn't live with her (as that would affect benefit entitlement etc) this she was said to the kids.

I'm not here to pass judgement on her.

But you are passing judgment.

If you do left and abusive relationship, why didn't he take the kids? Is he cataloguing what's going on? Will he be going for custody?

If she is truly as bad as you make out, there is a good chance they may come live with you. Even if it's when they are old enough to decide. Are you prepared for that?

If you had a child there would be 4 kids. Can you support that?

Again, most of what you are saying comes from his version.

You are passing judgment on her

In all honesty if these kids are suffering anywhere near what you describe then she shouldn’t have custody
If you are talking about not having matching clothes perhaps you just don’t have enough life experience yet to see that is not ‘heartbreaking’ but is what happens when people have kids, split and can’t afford them

And aside from your financial interests (which seems dominant here)

Who takes them to school the most
Who takes them to the doctor and dentist the most
Who looks after them when they are sick
Who feeds them 3 meals a day most days
Who washes their clothes the most
Who does their homework the most
Who has an obligation to house 3 DC with proper bedrooms set up

It’s not you
And it’s probably not your BF either

That list is a bit juggy tbf, we ahve my partner's kids 40% and are going to court for more acess (long backstory). We do half the school runs, half the food, half of everything and also cover a lot of their sick days as we work from home so they ACN be here if unwell. This is despite dp ex moving 30 miles away not him.
Just because someone is the rp doesn't mean they do the lion's share.

However in your circs then you should check the above and beyond firm on it also chat about finances now before it gets more serious. He clearly managed before he met you with the kids so stop giving him handouts!

@Spanglyprincess1

It’s not bloody judgy is it? If both parents split care then that is good parenting. If both mum and Dad split those things, then it’s a good parenting agreement

But OP hasn’t answered these questions - she’s only bothered about what money BF is handing over. She has not answered what level of parenting her BF is actually doing

I have let this thread annoy me

You have only known this man 1 year. You were not around during their marriage or breakup and you will never fully know his ex, you probably won’t hear her side but there will be one. And there will be things your BF has said and done that would surprise you, because when people are hurt and split that’s what happens. If he’s really concerned for their welfare then he would never have left his DC with her. Which suggests the issue is between them and somewhat toxic.

You have a boatload of judgment and it’s cringing to read. You do not come here and say ‘ok things are not ideal but we are all a team trying our best to parent’ it is You and Your Perfect Man vs Evil Ex. Can’t you see how you have fallen into this trap? You are trying to swoop in and save him and his DC . You will not come out of that well my dear

Due to the story created, you have a lot of sympathy for the poor children but have only given mismatching clothing as an example of what the issue is for them - except they seem to be kind DC who love their mother even though you don’t believe she deserves their sympathy. You don’t like her job her partner choices her clothing choices - anything. You have no respect for her

Everything else is related to your boyfriends finances - which he has told you clearly he isn’t going to change . You really really want a baby so are trying to make all the jigsaw pieces shove in, even when they don’t fit very well

If you have a child with him you have this woman in your life forever too. She comes as part of it. You can’t write her out

I feel it is a bit - there can be a lot of hostility on here against nrp and assuming they do nothing or bare minimum.
However, op they ahve kids and this woman will be around for 18 years min and you need to find a way through. Also if you ahve a child then your children will be related to their children, again meaning you are ttied. speak to your partner and agree a financial wIt didn't have to be your responsibility - these children ahve two parents who are responsible for them, he managed without you in past so can now. Stop paying , your not married etc so they are not your responsibility and think hard about future plans

I feel it is , there is a lot of nrp bashing in her and assuming they are all lazy or don't do fair by the kids.
However saying that op this woman will be around esp if you ahve kids with your partner so it's not worth letting them irritate you, smile and be nice. You need to agree finances now. The kids have two parents and they are not your responsibility so stop paying. It would be different if your partner or his ex wasn't involved but they are and presumably they both amnaged before you arrived.
We , in our household , split all bills and dp pays maintenance ontop of that and his kids costs eg uniform etc. Food is split between us evenly. Our baby's costs are split evenly too as I won't pay more as it should be evenly split as he wanted another child and pushed for us to have a baby.
You need an open honest chat with your partner about the future and your financial concerns or it will cause a lot of resentment.

Sorry doubke posted - annoying phone !

Op, very, very few people can truly afford to have 4 children and it sounds like your dp isn't one of them . How old are his dc?

Yes there is hostility when brand New partners come onto the scene with no experience of children, divorce or co-parenting and think they know better than both the actual parents who have been doing the job itself for over a decade. Especially when this is mostly about their own desire to start a new family and feel frustrated by the fact another woman is already on the scene ‘controlling’ it all.

In OP’s case she doesn’t even live with these kids. She is financially supporting their father. That doesn’t make her a step mother