My long term marriage is in trouble.

[ReallyStressedCantSleep]

Together 27 years, married 22 and 3 DC btw 8 -14.

DH and I were madly in love when we met and the 13 years before DC. We didn't have DC till later due to a number of reasons and I think this influenced the way we parented, putting them first. DH works very, very long hours and travels a lot and I am a SAHM. We've moved quite a few times with his job and I don't have a very good support network around me.

In my mind I have 2 thoughts on continuous loop.

1. Do I still love him? Would I be happier with someone else? My DH doesn't and has never really paid me a lot of attention and this has got to me over the years. After 27 years together it is nearly non existent. There are also times when I feel like I can't be bothered to make any effort.

2. What if he leaves me for someone else? The slump we are in has made me really paranoid that our relationship is in danger of him leaving and breaking up our lovely family which would crush a lot of people. I worry about MY future.

So, about a week ago I told my DH I was very unhappy with the way things are and gave him the long version of 1&2. DH told me that he too worries about our relationship and that there are issues which need addressing when DC leave home because it has been all about them. He also gave me a telling off about how I've not made a life for myself and made it all about my family. That really upset me. I've been totally selfless all round and I feel it has come back to haunt me. His comments made me even more paranoid about point 2.

Our marriage has had a lot of things test it over the years (tragedies, problems with DC) which we always overcame together as a great team. I just feel so sad that this may be the thing to break us apart. I laid all my cards on the table and asked him if he still loved me and wants to be with me forever and he says that he does. Having opened up this can of worms I can see that I too really love him and want to stay with him forever, but I don't know if we can turn this slump we have slowly slid into around.

I told him a week ago we both need to start making much more effort. I've been giving him loads of cuddles and affection but I see nothing from his side so far. I think he has been plodding along half happy and happy to carry on that way and now I feel I have rung the death bell on our marriage by bringing it up and stiring up issues.

If we split I think we would both actually regret it. When my DH goes away on work I actually miss him really badly. My self esteem must be on the floor because if we split I imagine him with some gorgeous blond on his arm wondering why he didn't do this sooner and me all alone.

As you can see, I am in a bit of a mess.

I had a dreadful patch like yourself but at 19 years. We suffered the dreadful tragedy of DD dying and also me being diagnosed with a chronic health condition and having to stop working. Within the same year. Then I had a monumental fall out with his sister, The strain was terrible.

It took me seeing a divorce soliciter and getting to the brink of officially separating for us both to really confront what had been happening. I had no idea how hard it is to divorce quickly when neither party has done something terrible.

You need to start talking about those issues and for us it took a few months of talking and We didn’t just go back to cuddling up straight away. From breaking up which we did but I held back on instructing the soliciter to getting back to a place that feels like us really did take at least a year.

I’m not saying affection is bad but honestly it’s the communication that will hopefully save your marriage.

Regarding the comment about you making everything about your family. I am sure you are a wonderful Mother but if you have really done nothing else what is there to talk about and some women who have concentrated on only family really suffer with empty next syndrome when the last dc leaves. That’s a time when many marriages break up.

It doesn't sound irrecoverable but your DH is right that you need to make a life of your own, especially now that your children are older. That's partly because no marriage is guaranteed to last forever and it's wise to future-proof in terms of moral support as well as financial, but also because people who are active, have interests, do things, tend to value themselves more highly and expect better treatment from others. I bet your husband would appreciate you more if you weren't quite so available. The brutal truth is that selflessness is rarely recognised by others. So start investing in yourself - sign up for a regular class (exercise is good for a boost to how you feel) and carve out the time to do it (with childcare if needed). So no dropping it at the last minute because DH isn't home/a child wants a lift somewhere - you need to reinforce (in your own mind as well as theirs) that your time is also important.

I think your DH has a point about having lost yourself and it is so tricky with younger children but now you are a SAHM mum with school aged children it is time to start doing things for yourself. Start a new hobby, go to the gym or whatever takes your fancy. You cant expect someone else to be interested in your of you are not interested in you.
Disclaimer- I’m a SAHM into the toddler years so I could be talking bollocks but I feel like I have lost my identity.

Your DH is wrong that you should wait 10 years to fix your marriage problems. They need sorting now. Go to a counsellor, it’s expensive but cheaper than a divorce. Start going out on a date night once a month.

Go to some marriage counselling together if you can, that will clear the air and help you come up with a plan for the next stage of your marriage.
That is a long time to be together, and you obviously love each other very much.

Thanks everyone. I did ask my DH about marriage counselling but he didn't seem to think things were that bad. It is something I am considering though.

The comments about me not making a life for myself really hurt me TBH. I moved away from my family to be with him and then moved another 4 times (including overseas!) with his job and each time I had to start afresh and make new friends. Where we live now is pretty boring. I am beginning to regret the moves we made and wish I had my family round me.

I have already started to make a few positive changes such as exercise and looking for a job and being more sociable with friends. I worry I am going to get rejection after rejection on the job front. I am in a bit of a mess.

Could you retrain or study? My friend was a SAHM for 15 years, she did a second degree with the Open University then a PGCE and started her new career as a teacher aged 50.

Also, how about counselling or life coaching for yourself? Just to get your thoughts in order and focus on what you want, which is difficult if you're used to putting other people first.

I can’t imagine it’s anything but bloody difficult to regain your sense of self after having young child (it’s my future so I think about it occasionally).

If your not ready to apply for jobs then how about some volunteering?

Marriage counselling is not the last resort. It’s about improving on what you already have. I bet your DH misunderstands the point of marriage counselling.

Find yourself again - it’s likely he’ll be reminded of why he fell in love with you and hopefully reignite something. Before I had children I led a typical single life of travel and massages etc. I focused on me knowing one day I would be focused on children. Strange thing happened when I dedicated myself to my children - my hubby wanted me to be more like the old me! Ie the one which was a bit self focused. We got us an aupair and our relationship improved.

I too would recommend counselling, and whilst he doesn't think things are too bad - you don't want to wait till they are. Whilst you both still love each other and want to be together, NOW is the best time to go and see someone. They can help with communication and even with intimacy. Trying to get back what you had, it's in there somewhere and a third party may just help you find it. Don't wait until it's irreversible.
We also found that going out to dinner after our counselling helped as we just weren't putting time aside for ourselves, as a couple but this was guaranteed time alone each week.

I agree with PP you need you find yourself again. The DCs are older so if I were you I’d get a part time job, something you’ll enjoy, you’ll meet new people. Or volunteer work would be rewarding. That will increase your self esteem. You have some time back for you now the Dcs are older so use it to do something for you

I really wish they'd make it illegal to divorce, I cannot understand why anyone would get married & promise never to leave someone if they then consider it. You shouldn't make promises u can't keep.

I think u should try again with him, he has to start trying. See a relationship counsellor.

Ps- if after seeing a therapist he still isn't giving u affection then this is effectively him leaving u. Unforgivable imo.

Ultimately you are no longer the person he first met, neither is he for you. Maybe the love has fallen away a bit due to commitments and family issues, it can always come back though. Both of you need to make an effort if this is to last, if one of you doesn’t then it’s over

frankiesamson with respect, you have just talked bollocks.

Another long time married here. I think our rough patch, sounding similar to yours, was around the 20 year mark.
It was a bit of, not sure I want him but sure as hell I didn’t want anyone else to have him.
I second finding yourself, to include a job/volunteer role,a fitness regime, maybe yoga or Pilates and, counselling, which, incidentally,does not need to to involve DH if he isn’t keen.
I think I was very much focused on my parenting role and not on my wife role. I also found some good online resources on how to have a happy relationship.Over the years he had felt pretty rejected, this was not my intention, but it meant it took quite a while for me to rekindle that spark.
Our youngest has just started university and I really think our marriage is thriving. I could not have believed that would be the case a few years back.
Good luck.

I'm in much the same position as you OP, having moved around for dh job, which takes him away a LOT, and ultimately led to me giving up career, friends, interest groups etc, for at present, a very boring and unfulfilling life. Not sure how to get out of it, but I also have the same worries, as he still remains a financially solvent good catch. Me, not so much.
No ideas, but a lot of understanding for you.

I think you should go back to work: you will hopefully feel more self confidence from external validation you're doing a good job, be able to build a bit of a separate social network and have your own income.

It sounds like a crisis of confidence has hit you. Overall it's probably just a blip. You just need something else in your life to stimulate your mind a bit more, and give you confidence. Start with small things, and work your way up. A hobby of some sort. The fact you said you miss him terribly when he's away, probably means your marriage is far from over. When you're the stay at home person, however happy you are overall, there is a tendency for one to get bored, lonely, and a tiny bit of resentment, your other half (even if they are a good person, and providing a good home) they are out and about, doing things, usually seemingly without a care in the world. I think men in particular are very good at 'switching off' from their home life when they go to work.

@MawkishTwaddle you'd only say that if you're one if those ones who goes around splitting up with people after years together.

That's right, frankiesamson, you have to stick with your promises, no matter how miserable they make you, no matter whether the other person sticks by their promises, better stay together no matter what the price, cos you said you would . Yeah right.

@category12 well you shouldn't have made a promise that you knew could make u miserable! That's why people are very careful to choose wisely before marrying someone.

The good news is that your youngest is 8 now so if you want to go away for the weekend to visit friends or a hobby that means you taking family out at the weekend you really can, they will cope without you!

I think your DH has a point about you having lost your identity whilst bringing up the DC but he chose to work long hours and with 3 DC it's hard for that not to happen- he could have been much more constructive and shared in the responsibility for that happening.

Focus on making yourself happier and keep communication open. It's easier for you to ask your DH to do specific things that would make you feel more "together"

It's worth the work of trying to get things back on track