My long term marriage is in trouble.

[ReallyStressedCantSleep]

Together 27 years, married 22 and 3 DC btw 8 -14.

DH and I were madly in love when we met and the 13 years before DC. We didn't have DC till later due to a number of reasons and I think this influenced the way we parented, putting them first. DH works very, very long hours and travels a lot and I am a SAHM. We've moved quite a few times with his job and I don't have a very good support network around me.

In my mind I have 2 thoughts on continuous loop.

1. Do I still love him? Would I be happier with someone else? My DH doesn't and has never really paid me a lot of attention and this has got to me over the years. After 27 years together it is nearly non existent. There are also times when I feel like I can't be bothered to make any effort.

2. What if he leaves me for someone else? The slump we are in has made me really paranoid that our relationship is in danger of him leaving and breaking up our lovely family which would crush a lot of people. I worry about MY future.

So, about a week ago I told my DH I was very unhappy with the way things are and gave him the long version of 1&2. DH told me that he too worries about our relationship and that there are issues which need addressing when DC leave home because it has been all about them. He also gave me a telling off about how I've not made a life for myself and made it all about my family. That really upset me. I've been totally selfless all round and I feel it has come back to haunt me. His comments made me even more paranoid about point 2.

Our marriage has had a lot of things test it over the years (tragedies, problems with DC) which we always overcame together as a great team. I just feel so sad that this may be the thing to break us apart. I laid all my cards on the table and asked him if he still loved me and wants to be with me forever and he says that he does. Having opened up this can of worms I can see that I too really love him and want to stay with him forever, but I don't know if we can turn this slump we have slowly slid into around.

I told him a week ago we both need to start making much more effort. I've been giving him loads of cuddles and affection but I see nothing from his side so far. I think he has been plodding along half happy and happy to carry on that way and now I feel I have rung the death bell on our marriage by bringing it up and stiring up issues.

If we split I think we would both actually regret it. When my DH goes away on work I actually miss him really badly. My self esteem must be on the floor because if we split I imagine him with some gorgeous blond on his arm wondering why he didn't do this sooner and me all alone.

As you can see, I am in a bit of a mess.

frankie that's me!

I'm 'one of those ones'

I am also a trailing spouse and a SAHM, married for 20 years.

It is important to make time together (but my Dh does not work long hours or travel) to put down phones, not be looking at a computer screen and chat, preferably face to face. When the children were younger we would have a coffee together in the evening, like we were out. Now because our youngest son is 13 we actually go out for coffee together.

I volunteer so I have other adults to talk to. But I also do a lot of things that interest me. I listen to a lot of podcasts/radio shows etc so that there are things we can talk about. We both like current affairs even though we differ slightly on our views, he likes politics more than me.

But it is finding that common ground again I think for you. Of course you have made everything about your family, you are following him around and leaving friends behind again and again. I have left my family, friends and jobs to follow Dh. This is the longest we have ever lived in a house. My best friend lives a 3 hour + drive away.

Please go to relate, or some reputable counsellor, alone if he won't come, he can join you later. It will help you sort your head out a bit.

RandomMess

I think your DH has a point about you having lost your identity whilst bringing up the DC but he chose to work long hours and with 3 DC it's hard for that not to happen- he could have been much more constructive and shared in the responsibility for that happening.

I'm sure he could have been much more constructive but describing his employmeny situation as purely his "choice" is a bit of a simplification and probably not reflective of the economic realities of being a main earner.

frankiesamson, extremely long time married person here who has never broken my promise.

Do I feel self righteous about that? No, just very lucky that I've never had to.

You need to actually think about the consequences of enforced marriage.

I think its a good idea to get counselling before you get in to trouble! Now is the perfect time to go and do some counselling work together and get a plan for the next stage together.

@Frankiesamson, people change. Also, you don't know a person until you live with them. (so my dad says)