Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship ?

[Lucy299]

Need to vent as I am up at this time and things are going round in my head.. as the title suggests I’m in a toxic relationship that is going round in circles and I cannot seem to leave. I have read that it is harder to leave a toxic Rship than a good one and I think unless you’ve been in one yourself you don’t realise how true that statement is.

I’m 29 my partner is 31 we have been together 2 years don’t live together and have no children we are currently yet again for about the 100th time not talking and he is blocked from all contact on my phone.

The first few months of our Rship were great and then all of a sudden he changed he became very unreliable would always want to come over late would tell me a time he’s coming amd turn up hours later never wanted to do anything together was quite happy just plodding along. I live alone and he stays here nearly every night but no real commitment no talk of moving in here or any real future plans.. I fell pregnant last year he was not supportive although said he would support my decision either way I ended up terminating much to my regret and he was not there for me at all through the process we broke up after for a few months and had no contact.. stupidly I took him back.

I have tried to leave him several times and blocked him.. he will eventually either turn up here contact me via email (he makes other accounts ) or send flowers to my work place. He promises me each time things will be different and I stupidly fall for it.

In general he is a nice guy never been abusive is a very hard worker and makes me feel very comfortable I can talk to him about anything and we generally have a laugh together when things are good.

However he is a terrible communicator will do things he knows upset me like not returning calls leaving my messages on read when I’m asking something important.. he is incapable of making plans and openly admits this we tried to go on holiday last year for a few days I planned it all and before we were meant to go we had a huge argument and didn’t end up going. He paid my all my money back. He didn’t take me out for either of my birthdays and things like that mean a lot to me yet when it was his bday demanded I take him out.

I’m ashamed to say it but his actions have made me become very abusive towards him.. we have very heated arguments mostly me shouting and abusing him he rarely retaliates. Never been like this with any previous partners started to blame myself for the way he was till I realised I’m only reacting to the things he does.

He is a workaholic and refuses to take any time off he works 6 days a week and I am literally left till last thing when he is tired and just wants to sleep. Sunday’s his only day off and as he’s tired from the week he spends most of it lying around at his mums where he lives and will see me in the evening.. he’s never spent one Sunday with me in two years.

He is very content with his life and has no real ambition to do anything travel or go to nice places to eat etc which is what I like doing so I end up doing this with my friends but can’t do it as much anymore as a lot of them have kids. We haven’t been out or done anything together since probably May last year. He is more than happy to just come to mine watch films chill together and go to sleep we also rarely have sex.

I decided at the start of this year to try and be more calm moan at him less and not get angry over things I can’t control to see if it made any different to our Rship.. I suggested on Friday just gone us going out together he wanted to watch football which I was a little annoyed with but didn’t mind too much.. what I was annoyed with was he didn’t even try to compromise and make other plans during the weekend together and because of that it had blown up again and he ended up telling me in a very heated argument that he hates me somethings he’s never said before.

I have tried my upmost to have a nornal Rship with him and I can’t see why he doesn’t want that with me. He says he does and says he loves me but this Rship is a complete joke it’s hardly a Rship but I find it very hard to leave. I live alone and like the fact he is here every night but even when I’m lying in bed next to him I’m thinking in my head I want more and he will never be able to give me that.

Each time recently I’ve tried to leave something happens that causes me to contact him for example my grandma passed away then another time I had an abnormal smear result and needed to to hospital so I was worried and another time I had a car crash and he is a mechanic. Half the time I go to him for comfort and he actually makes me feel worse.

For now he is blocked on everything but I know one of us will contact each other again in the next week or so and I really struggle to break this cycle but I am not happy at all and I’m sure he isn’t either. I feel I am desperately hooked on the fact he will change and I want him to change and maybe it will all be good and We will be happy. I have always had a history of being in relationships tnat aren’t great and I do tend to let men walk all over me and will never leave till they leave me even though I should have a long time ago ! I just wan to be happy !

You're never going to be happy with this one. It doesn't matter how much you try to change yourself, he will always find fault, and you'll always be left trying desperately to please him. But you know this, you call it a toxic relationship yourself!

Why is it so hard to leave? You don't live together or have children together, it should be a straightforward ltb. But you haven't and feel you can't. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme from Women's Aid? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

He said he hates you - that's unforgivable and targeted to cause maximum hurt.

The only way you are able to communicate is by ending up in heated arguments (and you blame yourself). However, you've never experienced shouting to be heard in previous relationships.

He doesn't sound much of a catch - more a blob. You say hard working, all well and good but you can be hard working and still have no ambition to grow professionally and personally.

You've blocked him (yet again), leave him blocked and don't fall for a bunch of the cheapest interflora stocks sent to work.

He's got two mums - and doesn't have to lift a finger or make an effort at either house. He basically kips at your house and doesn't appear to engage; emotionally, financially or in any other way.

Bookmark your own post and re-read when he comes slithering back.

Agree with Freedom Programme.

Sticking with toxic people often becomes a bad habit because we're used to it and change is scary. Add hormones to it, and you've got a mess. It happens a lot. People stick with bad jobs, falling apart car, etc.

Start by removing the time thinking about and spending with him and replace it with other things, preferably social. Sign up to volunteer some place. Sign up for a book club, or a new sport, just something.

It took me four years and marriage before I finally left, best thing I ever did

At 29 you're much too young to be tied down to a man who does not value you. You can do better! Perhaps having put it all down in writing will help you to see the relationship more clearly. You're wasting your time, pack it in for good and try not to look back. Better things are in store for you.

Why is it so hard to leave? Because you are human OP!!

I was in a similar situation in my late twenties. I’m sooooo glad I finally left as it ‘allowed’ me to meet my now husband. I look back now and wonder why I faffed about for so long with my ex. Trying to fix him. Trying to change me. Bonkers.

You can do it!

Thank you for all your nice replies and Mrscate you hit the nail on the head when you said he basically has two mums.. and he doesn’t have to lift a finger at either house as that is very true his mum accepts all his ways he doesn’t pay rent there but does pay the bills which is fair enough but as he’s the man of the house (dad not around ) he very much dictates what goes on in the house.. Mum or sister not allowed their partners over when he is there etc. I think his Rship with his mum is strange and always have done he refuses to even talk about his mum being in relationships like it makes him slightly jealous. He used to get her Invovled in all our arguments.. when I was pregnant and didn’t know what to do his mum turned up at my house with no warning and no invitation and it was the first time I’d met her it was a very awkward situation to be put in albeit she was very nice to me. I have a fiery personality and I am not one to keep quiet especially when annoyed even though sometimes I feel the best thing to do is say nothing and try to for a while I am garunteed to explode. He on the other hand is very calm and will very rarely get angry this makes me feel like I am a bad person and maybe I am the cause for all of this.

He’s never been challenged by anyone in his llfe and I feel his mum enables his behaviour.. when he didn’t step up to the plate when I was pregnant his mum admitted to me he isn’t like other men his age and basically said don’t expect anything from him he isn’t normal but I will support you if he doesn’t. Nice of her yes but I know if my brother told me or my mum his gf was pregnant he would be told to step up and not have excuses made for him by us!

As he has complete run of her house and literally does whatever he wants I feel even if we were good he would never move in here because he would not get away with what he gets away with there and he knows that. Something else that offends me is he will not eat from my house I cook near enough every night and as I live alone always have left overs however he will only eat his mums food have questioned him on that numerous times and he’s says in being silly and that’s not true.. well it is true as he’s never eaten dinner from my house once.

You are probably all thinking what attracted me to him lol! But at first he was so kind and so thoughtful.. I would say I had a bad day at work I’d come home to chocolates on my door step with a nice note.. he Would turn up in the mornings beflre work with flowers.. if I’m working from home he would bring me lunch on his lunch break as he lives and works local to me. Would always suggest things to do and we would always be out having fun.. he wanted to see me all the time couldn’t get enough of me. Would say he wants to take me this place and that place etc basically did all the things my ex didn’t do. But then it all changed and I cannot pin point a reason why.. he went on holiday early into our Rship said it was wth cousins had been booked way before I met him.. he FaceTimed me when he was there and messaged me but there was a big time difference so we didn’t speak a lot and never to this day saw pictures of anyone he went on that holiday with all pictures were scenery or selfies .. but as it was very early in I never really questioned it. He also came back earlier then he said he was from the trip and said he got the dates wrong and didn’t tell me as he wanted to surprise me I found this kinda suspicious. Anyway it was at that point he changed.. he went on that holiday and it was never the same after that

He sounds so much like my ex it's scary! Even the lack of support over termination - mine just stopped contacting me and let me deal with the whole thing alone. I was inconsolable but he didn't give a shit as he has ' his own problems to deal with'.

The problem with these toxic relationships is that it makes you think that you're the one being unreasonable. I was considering all sorts of ways I could change yet he wasn't changing anything at all despite being the one in the wrong. I think it comes down to the fact you're incompatible, no matter how much you love him. Things won't change and he'll always fall short of what you want and need.

My ex eventually ended contact permanently after I said one too many things that made him realise he was a dick. Sad thing is I still love him so much and I'd consider take him back if he still wanted me - love can be ridiculous sometimes but you need to follow your head, not heart.

@whatamidoingwithmylife Sorry to hear you’ve been in a similar situation but glad to know I’m not alone ! Yes he did the same thing with my termination stopped contacting me I literally hounded his phone how embarassing. When I told him I was pregnant he automatically thought I was keeping it and said ‘I bet your happy now you got what you wanted ‘ after that conversation he didn’t respond to messages or calls for 3 days so I told his family I was pregnant which then made him contact me to ‘talk’ funny the only time I managed to get rid of him was when I was pregnant !

Yes have been there and still am considering all the ways I can change making myself feel like it’s me and I’m the reason he turnred this way!

Sometimes I wish he would end contact as yours did as I think that would be easier but I honestly don’t think he will. It makes it worse cos I live alone he feels no way to just turn up here if I turn my intercom off he will throw stones at my window ( how mature ) he can’t knock my door as I live In a flat and he can’t get through the communal door. He’s left notes on my car and put pictures of us two in my letter box before when I’ve gone no contact. That being said it isn’t just always him who breaks no contact I have also contacted him but would never turn up at his house. I have also said some unforgivable awful things to him when angry

I was in a very similar relationship. Game playing, lack of communication, tip toeing round things to try and stop him kicking off. No idea why it lasted so long, best thing I ever did was walking away. He made several attempts to contact me after but I blanked everything. He turned up at my house and when I wouldn't answer the door he tried kicking it in. I called the police to make him realise I wasn't playing anymore.
Before that I was hooked on fixing him, on him changing. It had been so intense and good for the first few months and I felt like I was chasing that constantly, trying to get it back.
I don't regret it as such because it made me realise that I'm 100% fine on my own and I'd rather be single than ever put myself in that situation again.
I'm with someone else now and with him it's so different, it's easy. No idea why I let myself stay in such a shit relationship for so long but honestly, if you can stick to no contact it will get better. If you don't you'll be stuck in the cycle forever

Did everyone miss the post where OP states she has become abusive towards him. That isn't acceptable.

Ok says:

I’m ashamed to say it but his actions have made me become very abusive towards him.. we have very heated arguments mostly me shouting and abusing him he rarely retaliates. Never been like this with any previous partners started to blame myself for the way he was till I realised I’m only reacting to the things he does.

Then excuses it by saying it's his fault because she's just reacting to him.

I think if this was a man, the answers would be different and much less supportive.

@howdoidothis4eva I am not saying it is right I am abusive to him and I am not excusing it however when you have just found out your pregnant and the guy who claims to love you abandons you and will not answer your calls or texts it is very hard to not let emotions get the better of you.

I am not abusive to him for no reason I am abusive when we argue sometimes or when he does things to purposely manipulate me which no isn’t right and I’m not proud of it but I am only human and yes I am currently in conselling to deal with issues around this so tbh I find your comment quite unhelpful

@Howdoidothis4eva have you ever been in a similar relationship?

I understand the abusive arguments as we had them constantly too. It was this that ended it for us - he made it clear that I went too far in our last argument (I told him exactly what I thought about his behaviour and he didn't like the truth). I was very surprised when he broke contact - we'd always got back together within a few days or a week at most.

I didn't try to keep contacting him while I was pregnant but I waited until I was 11wks along just to give him the chance to man-up. His mum is dying so I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt as he'll be stressed and upset. But I contacted him a few weeks later to tell him I terminated. He was glad I'd done it despite him trying to get me pregnant our whole relationship. Funny how it happened the very last time we slept together.

Luckily my ex lives a long way from me so he can't just pop over when he feels like it as it's at least a 4hr round trip. It's much easier for yours to come round regularly and he's used to doing so, so he's unlikely to break the habit.

I hope you can try to separate yourself from him soon as he'll only make you more unhappy. It will likely take some time to get over him as you'll see it with rose tinted glasses for a while. Toxic relationships tend to give you big 'highs' (he made me happier than I've been in my life) but awful 'lows' (he spoke to me like I was shit quite frequently during our many arguments).

I'm with a wonderful man now but I don't love him like I did my ex and long for the personality traits of my ex that caused those highs (my new partner is bland in comparison). That's sad really but we can't help how we feel about people.

@wishywashy6 yes sounds very similar how long was you with him? I’ve threatened to call the police before but I don’t think I ever would be able to do that. Totally agree with the chasing what it was like at the start I am completely fixated on it but deep down no it isn’t ever going to be that way again. Well done for leaving

This has "run" written all over it. You say you want him to change OP, but people don't change easily.

Also buying you chocolates or flowers when you've had a bad day isn't all that really. It is a way of silencing you with gifts. My ex-H would do this. He didn't want to talk about any of my issues or problems, so he'd buy a small gift. That meant that I had to express gratitude at his thoughtfulness and we couldn't talk about my shit day or bereavement or anything at all, because it was now all about how considerate he'd been!

Reading through everything you've posted, I cannot see why you would stay with this man. Nothing that you've written leads me to believe you have a good relationship with him. It has got so bad, that you are actually abusive towards him. Is that really the way you want to live your life?

@Lucy299 we were together around 18 months. Although the last 8 months we were on and off more times than a light switch

It won't ever change op, you'll reach a point where you realise you don't want it anymore. I always wanted to give him one last chance but it always ended up the same way. We don't have any kids together (thank god!) but I do have 2 from my marriage to exH before him, in the end I realised it was taking my energy away from them and I had a year single before meeting my new partner.
I'd happily go back to being single again over being in that type of relationship

I'm surprised that no one has yet said trauma bond - that's why it's so hard to leave toxic relationships.

OP: it's cold turkey time. The relationships is pulling you down; it's not what you want; it's escalating.

Are you in NC?

@whatamidoingwithmylife sometimes I have said things that are to far and I feel it will be the end for good even though I know it should be this scares me. It’s not healthy at all but I feel rubbish when we aren’t in contact and then when we are I don’t feel great either it’s a vicious cycle. Very similar to me aswell we usually get back together in days mostly go a week only time we went longer was when I was pregnant.

I found out I was pregnant very early to early to even be seen on the scan and had to wait two more weeks to book in for my consultation. It was about 3-4 weeks in total beflre my termination I don’t think I could have waited any longer once I had made up my mind even though I did hope he would come round in them weeks it’s sad to say if he did I would have kept the baby and I would have been due very soon. Sounds so similar to him aswell when we first met he wound say to me ‘ I want you to give me a daughter ‘ then when faced with the reality of it he couldn’t run quick enough. That being said he does say he regrets acting how he did more than anything in his life and will never forgive himself for not supporting me. But he’s also made stupid comments like ‘why didn’t you just keep it ‘

Yes him living so close is quite an issue when we first met I lived with my friend and lived even closer to him.. he wouldn’t turn up when I was living with her.

As this argument happaned only last night I won’t be surprised if he makes an appearance tonight or tmrow night

@renarde1975 what is a trauma bond ? I haven’t heard of this before

This only happaned last night so it hasn’t even been 24 hours NC. He is however blocked from my phone my work phone my email and Facebook. But that doesn’t mean much as when he does want to get hold of me he will either turn up at my flat or call from a different number/ email I also sometimes break NC myself

Longest time in two years we’ve ever not spoke has been just under a month I broke NC

So... you're abusive to him but that's ok because it's his fault,(?) although he is never abusive in return(?), I'm not surprised he hates you.

As for the TOP, you told him you wanted to terminate but you now seem bitter he didn't talk you out of it, which is unfair if you're abusive to him.
How the hell do you challenge an abusive partner about an abortion? But he’s also made stupid comments like ‘why didn’t you just keep it ‘
well, gee that sorta sounds like he did have an opinion about your decision to terminate, but it was and is stupid of him to support your decision? or to have the opinion? or to voice the opinion? He dealt with the termination the way you allowed him too, now you're slagging him off for it.

You need to do him a favour and stick to NC because you are abusive to him, if you were a bloke you would have got a very different response from MN.

@spinneyhill judging from your post you must be a man and if your not then your response is shocking.

I’m not even entertaining anything you just said

Not a man, but you sound exactly like my ex.

sometimes I have said things that are to far and I feel it will be the end for good even though I know it should be this scares me

So you deliberately hurt him? but you end up the victim. Red flags all over your post

Won't let his mum or sister have their partners in the house?
Seems to get jealous of his mum being in a relationship?
Runs the house/has the run if the house?

That is some deep level of dysfunctionality right there; that's run away fast shit.

That took years if fucked upednessvto happen and would take years of counseling to undo - or probably never be undone. I have a feeling it's come from his mum, from when she was widowed (and probably before).

Can't see it being solved.

You say loneliness is part of why you keep letting him back; time to push the boat out in terms of new hobbies, activities etc.