Why is it so hard to leave a toxic relationship ?

[Lucy299]

Need to vent as I am up at this time and things are going round in my head.. as the title suggests I’m in a toxic relationship that is going round in circles and I cannot seem to leave. I have read that it is harder to leave a toxic Rship than a good one and I think unless you’ve been in one yourself you don’t realise how true that statement is.

I’m 29 my partner is 31 we have been together 2 years don’t live together and have no children we are currently yet again for about the 100th time not talking and he is blocked from all contact on my phone.

The first few months of our Rship were great and then all of a sudden he changed he became very unreliable would always want to come over late would tell me a time he’s coming amd turn up hours later never wanted to do anything together was quite happy just plodding along. I live alone and he stays here nearly every night but no real commitment no talk of moving in here or any real future plans.. I fell pregnant last year he was not supportive although said he would support my decision either way I ended up terminating much to my regret and he was not there for me at all through the process we broke up after for a few months and had no contact.. stupidly I took him back.

I have tried to leave him several times and blocked him.. he will eventually either turn up here contact me via email (he makes other accounts ) or send flowers to my work place. He promises me each time things will be different and I stupidly fall for it.

In general he is a nice guy never been abusive is a very hard worker and makes me feel very comfortable I can talk to him about anything and we generally have a laugh together when things are good.

However he is a terrible communicator will do things he knows upset me like not returning calls leaving my messages on read when I’m asking something important.. he is incapable of making plans and openly admits this we tried to go on holiday last year for a few days I planned it all and before we were meant to go we had a huge argument and didn’t end up going. He paid my all my money back. He didn’t take me out for either of my birthdays and things like that mean a lot to me yet when it was his bday demanded I take him out.

I’m ashamed to say it but his actions have made me become very abusive towards him.. we have very heated arguments mostly me shouting and abusing him he rarely retaliates. Never been like this with any previous partners started to blame myself for the way he was till I realised I’m only reacting to the things he does.

He is a workaholic and refuses to take any time off he works 6 days a week and I am literally left till last thing when he is tired and just wants to sleep. Sunday’s his only day off and as he’s tired from the week he spends most of it lying around at his mums where he lives and will see me in the evening.. he’s never spent one Sunday with me in two years.

He is very content with his life and has no real ambition to do anything travel or go to nice places to eat etc which is what I like doing so I end up doing this with my friends but can’t do it as much anymore as a lot of them have kids. We haven’t been out or done anything together since probably May last year. He is more than happy to just come to mine watch films chill together and go to sleep we also rarely have sex.

I decided at the start of this year to try and be more calm moan at him less and not get angry over things I can’t control to see if it made any different to our Rship.. I suggested on Friday just gone us going out together he wanted to watch football which I was a little annoyed with but didn’t mind too much.. what I was annoyed with was he didn’t even try to compromise and make other plans during the weekend together and because of that it had blown up again and he ended up telling me in a very heated argument that he hates me somethings he’s never said before.

I have tried my upmost to have a nornal Rship with him and I can’t see why he doesn’t want that with me. He says he does and says he loves me but this Rship is a complete joke it’s hardly a Rship but I find it very hard to leave. I live alone and like the fact he is here every night but even when I’m lying in bed next to him I’m thinking in my head I want more and he will never be able to give me that.

Each time recently I’ve tried to leave something happens that causes me to contact him for example my grandma passed away then another time I had an abnormal smear result and needed to to hospital so I was worried and another time I had a car crash and he is a mechanic. Half the time I go to him for comfort and he actually makes me feel worse.

For now he is blocked on everything but I know one of us will contact each other again in the next week or so and I really struggle to break this cycle but I am not happy at all and I’m sure he isn’t either. I feel I am desperately hooked on the fact he will change and I want him to change and maybe it will all be good and We will be happy. I have always had a history of being in relationships tnat aren’t great and I do tend to let men walk all over me and will never leave till they leave me even though I should have a long time ago ! I just wan to be happy !

Make every and I mean every effort to do new things, meet new people, be busy all the time. You are young and while the termination was sad,nits only upside is you're not tied to this 'man'.

@spinneyhill ok first of all your comments such as no wonder he hates you are uncalled for and quite nasty tbh your entitled to your opinion but that isn’t needed.

Also as another woman saying I am bitter about my termination is shocking if you’ve never had a termination I hope you don’t have to go through with one. I did not make that decision lightly and I made it because it would have been impossible for me to do this alone due to my circumstances he made it very clear from ignoring my calls and messages whilst I was pregnant he was not going to support me with this child. Let’s get this clear he did not support any decision I made because he wasn’t around he disappeared the moment I told him I was pregnant he was not there at any of the appointments and he was not there after despite me letting him know when all the appointments were . He didn’t voice any opinion he said NOTHING I don’t know from my post what gives you the impression I did not allow him to be there for me through this I tried numerous times we set up times to meet and he didn’t turn up. He made the comment about why didn’t I keep it last week 6 months after the termination.

Let’s also be clear I became abusive after the abortion not before so your comments about how do you reason with an abusive partner regarding an abortion is completely irrvrlevant. Am I meant to be ecstatic that the man who got me pregnant has done a runner ?? Of course I am going to react in some way or another.

If you read the thread you will see that since the abortion our Rship has become quite toxic and yes during arguments I do sometimes throw abuse at him which isn’t right but it happens! You do also know that verbal abuse isn’t the only form of abuse right ? Just because he doesn’t say nasty words to me does not mean he doesn’t cause mental abuse in other ways !

@merville I agree to I think it stems from his mum a lot of things went on in his childhood and from what I know she had a lot of dysfunctional relationships with men in and out of their life’s and this is why he now feels this way he says he wound rather not even know about the partners because of past issue.
He says all the time he needs conselling I’ve sent him links to counsellors.. he never follows through

And I doubt he ever will, unfortunately.

Disappearing when you fell pregnant, giving you zero support, zero input and now just throwing out 'why didn't you keep it then' is utterly shitty too

As I said the only upside is that you can walk away now.

Sometimes in life you have to be 'selfish' and by that I mean 'im not getting what I want/need out of this situation, so I'll leave it and find one where I am getting what I want'. It doesn't sound like you're ever going to get a decent relationship out of this. Time to be 'selfish' and move on - you have to look after your self, no-one else is going to.

Btw he's not all that, noone is. And you don't have to waste any more time trying to figure out and hope to fix the 'beautiful broken machine' as Lundy Bancroft puts it, that he is. He's just another man who's too dysfunctional for a decent relationship. you'll find better if you give yourself the opportunities to.

Having gone NC with someone toxic almost 6 months ago I can honestly say it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I don't like finality and I was actually the one to cut him off, which I never thought I'd have the strength to do.

I still miss him, I won't even list what he did to me but he wasn't a decent human being at all - except for in the early weeks/months - as they all are, while they can keep the act up.

The reason I think we fall into toxic relationships and struggle to get out is pretty much similar to how people fall into cults - they have something missing in their life/feel worthless/need to feel wanted. Then after a while it just feels impossible to leave - it's like an addiction. I know for me that the toxic guy I fell for was actually filling many other miserable voids in my own life that I didn't want to address - I would see him on days when I didn't have my kids (I was a fairly new single mum) and I guess he felt like a bandage on that wound - and I became reliant on him.

The fact you have mentioned you live alone is a big thing. It seems like maybe you rely on being with him - you need to remain no contact and go through so many areas of your life looking at where you could improve things...for e.g for me I have realised I have lost a lot of close bonds with my family so I have spent months now resolving that. I also live in an area where I know no one, so I am working on networking as before that I was relying on him to make me feel like I had someone.

You need to spend a long time learning about YOU - you have clearly spent so long learning about HIM and all his issues and family life. We spend so long analysing their lives and how they were brought up trying to 'fix' them that we don't look at ourselves. Why are YOU putting up with this treatment? Were you brought up to remain in relationships even if they were crap or did you see examples of this? Were you taught to make do?

The thing is with toxic guys is that they ALWAYS come back. This guy has no respect for you, so every time he comes back and you respond in ANY way, just know in the back of his mind he will be thinking "see I KNEW she'd come back" - that has really helped me remain NC. I've had messages from him before I blocked him that would normally make my heart melt and me jump in my car and be over to his immediately. But after a while of NC you finally see them for who they are, see that they will NEVER change, and if you can spend some time focusing on your own life you realise how much you have neglected YOU for this person. How much energy you have put into THEM and not you. Do you even have any life goals or know where you want to be in a year?

Some websites that helped, but also lots of good stuff on youtube about No Contact - my main advice for NC is don't count the days and know that if he genuinely wants to change and prove to you he is the man for you then he can wait while you have as much time out as you need from him. Don't play games and block him and unblock him, like I said he will just know your games by now and know he'll be back in in no time.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk - also she has podcasts which are great
www.samanthadawntransform.com
www.postmalesyndrome.com

- he has some great ones like why not to snoop on your ex...he's a bit dull to listen to, but what he says is spot on. He has lots on toxic people too.

Good luck x

@thisusernameisrubbish thanks for your advice and well done for getting out of your situation. I don’t like finality either and as much as it’s a bit pathetic it’s not even been 24 hours and I miss him a bit. We talk all day through the day via text even still 2 years down the line and he will phone me at least twice through the work day so going NC is hard as we have a lot of contact. Usually I just get on with it when we have this arguments and it never affects me day to day life but something is different this time.. I didn’t sleep till 4 am and I couldn’t function at work.

Living alone defiantly a big part of it I think. I live in London have done ever since uni so most of my friends are here I was living with my friend for a while but she moved out due to marriage never imagined living alone and defiantly not up here as didn’t think I’d ever b able to afford it.. love my flat and love my own space have friends very close by but my family are about 90 minutes away and I wish they were closer especially my mum. Also I have become quite fixated on having children recently in the last 18 months 4 friends have had babies there’s only one other girl and me in our group who don’t have children. That’s why to terminate I found it incredibly hard and even went to a baby shower the week before my termination and my best friend didn’t even know I was pregnant it was heart breaking looking back now I have no idea how I did it. I know ppl on here will say I am still young but I feel as though time is ticking for me and as bad as it may sound to start over again with someone will only delay this process however I know he isn’t someone I should even consider children with after last time. I haven’t been brought up around rships like this my parents are happily married have been together since they were teenagers my dad dotes on my mum still to this day. My friendship group however is different.. all my friends bar one are in terrible relationships and always have been some worse than others only difference is it’s probably worse as they all have children with these guys.

Defiantly agree guys in general toxic or not tend to always come back it’s a known fact and even if it isnt today or tmrow I know he will be back and I also fall for the messages he sent some have made me feel so sorry for him and reduced me to tears he will send me 10 page essays and emails and I always fall for it every single time.

I defiantly have life goals and I fully know where I want to be in life.. I bought my own place just over a year ago something I never imagined I’d be able to do alone I have a decent paid job for my age nice friends and a very loving family. I would like to get married but it is not the be all and end all for me but I defiantly want children and would love to find the right man who would jump at the chance to build a life with me not run away from it cos he can’t bear to leave his mum.

Thanks you for the links I will check them out x

@Lucy299 we were the same as you - a vicious cycle as I wasn't happy with or without him. He used to say 'well if you're not happy why don't you just fuck off'.
Some of the things we've said to each other are pretty unforgivable.
I did have very happy moments with him occasionally and I miss him constantly - I know I won't meet anyone like him again which saddens me.

Strange that your ex said the same as mine about kids. Mine pestered me our whole relationship about having them and then was so cruel when it did happen. He has told me he may regret it in future as he still wants kids. Sadly it'll likely be too late for me as I'm already 35 and my new partner doesn't want kids.

@thisusernameisrubbish May be correct about toxic men filling voids in your life. I'm pretty sure now that I needed someone to rely on and to have something to do things with. I don't have any friends or much family so my partner becomes everything to me. I was with my ex husband 14yrs so was used to being needed and having company every day - I projected this onto my toxic ex. He called me pathetic and needy and said I will always move on too fast just so I'm not alone.

I hope you can stay no contact but trust me, it's difficult. If my ex wasn't dealing with his mum's terminal cancer I can guarantee he'd be in contact and I'd probably leave my current partner for him despite me being with one of the most wonderful men around who is 1000 times the man my ex is. Yet I just can't get over him.