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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone I thought was special

66 replies

Someone12345 · 27/01/2019 12:33

Hi, has anyone been in the situation where they have fallen in love with a mummy's boy and she is the one who eventually ends the relationship. When I was with my boyfriend, she could never leave him alone five minutes, without knowing where he is and what he is doing. Although I do respect the fact that family is close, I think she was so involved, that she became a party in our relationship. His Dad and brother were both welcoming but I don't think I lived up to his mum's expectations. I think it goes a bit far, when your boyfriend talks about his mum in bed and she texts to ask what his doing, just after having sex. Now I feel like I've been used for sex and that it was just a Christmas fling, when I really thought we had a future together. He even agreed that we did and that he would always love me. I still care about him, but I don't know why after I've been treated this way. He suffers with anxiety and I tried to be supportive but I feel this has been thrown back in my face. I tried to be as honest as possible about the fact that crying all the time would impact our relationship. He was the one I wanted to be with, but I couldn't provide him with a perfect life and I did tell him this. I always thought in relationships you should try and work through things, rather than running away. I don't think that he was left with no choice, either his mum or me.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 28/01/2019 16:16

Do you remember ‘bunny’ Treys mother from sex in the city, she did all that stuff , never ever get involved with someone whose mother is way over invested

Haffiana · 28/01/2019 17:09

He suffers with anxiety and I tried to be supportive but I feel this has been thrown back in my face. I tried to be as honest as possible about the fact that crying all the time would impact our relationship. He was the one I wanted to be with, but I couldn't provide him with a perfect life and I did tell him this

Although we both thought the relationship moved too fast, but I wanted to slow things down and I made this known.

OP, I mean this in the kindest possible way because I am guessing you are in your teens, but you have boundary issues. You told him a lot of things but you are responsible for keeping your decisions. It doesn't matter whether you explained to him that you wanted to slow things down or whatever, if YOU didn't actually slow things down.

Your boundaries are YOURS to set and maintain. You don't tell someone else to look after them for you - that is the exact definition of poor boundaries. If his crying causes you distress then learn to walk away. Don't just tell tell him it won't work and then sit around being amazed that nothing changes.

Do not talk about marriage and children after only one month because you DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON YET. You cannot be in a relationship that is more than a fling until you have been together for a LOT longer than a month. You cannot know if you love him because you don't know who he is.

As for his Mum - well, maybe she feels she has to be in his life rather more than usual because he has poor mental health. Maybe she knows him and knows he needs more than comforting when he has a meltdown? Whatever - she is really not the issue here.

Miane · 28/01/2019 17:25

when your sitting down with your family and then your boyfriend starts screaming and crying for no apparent reason and your left comforting him wondering what the hell has just happened and then he runs straight out to his car without no goodbye nothing.

Regardless of his mother’s behaviour this ^^ is reason enough to head for the hills.

This man is an adult. He makes his own choices. He is responsible for his own life and his own behaviour.

Don’t blame his Mum. Blame him. It’s not that she won’t allow him to have a relationship it’s that he allows her to interfere.

He allows it.

And it would only get worse not better over time.

I don’t believe that there is only one person for anyone (and I’ve been very very happily married for 20 years). If he isn’t right for you someone else will be.

Meanwhile concentrate on being happy alone and on building the best life you possibly can.

showmeshoyu · 28/01/2019 17:45

Although we both thought the relationship moved too fast, but I wanted to slow things down and I made this known.

I've had short break holidays that lasted longer than this relationship and you had gone from zero to planning the names and housing arrangements for your great grandchildren. I would take a look at how you approach relationships because you're going to get repeatedly hurt otherwise.

Original poster
Someone12345 · 28/01/2019 17:51

Thank you Miane for your advice- I do believe though that she split us up. She was the third person in our relationship, but I do know that he made the choice to let her interfere as he couldn't make his own decisions (23?).

Haffiana- we both felt that we had fallen in love at first sight. Everything was so intimate in our relationship, surely someone that didn't love you wouldn't be like this?
And with regards to his mental breakdown, a lot of us have had to cope with tough times in our life, with close family members passing away. I tried my best to support him, even offered to help him get professional help if that is what he wanted. I would have stuck by him in the tough times too as I know life isn't perfect. I know that his mum knew about this, but I think she should have encouraged him to seek help rather than suggesting that they would put him on medication and do nothing. May be if he got this help when he suggested, then maybe we still be together, but who knows I guess.

OP posts:
BlancheM · 28/01/2019 17:55

They're a couple of weirdos, you'll soon be in a place where you'll be thanking your lucky stars they're out of your life.

Original poster
Someone12345 · 28/01/2019 17:55

user1479305498 - I wont again, get involved with someone who's mother is constantly in the relationship. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someone12345 · 28/01/2019 17:56

BlancheM -probably will be.

OP posts:
RemodellingMyHouse · 28/01/2019 18:09

we both felt that we had fallen in love at first sight. Everything was so intimate in our relationship, surely someone that didn't love you wouldn't be like this?

Moving as fast as you describe is a massive red flag. It sounds like love-bombing. Most of the relationships I've seen or experienced like this were at least borderline abusive.

Boundaries, and maintaining your sense of self, are very important.

Urwotu8t · 28/01/2019 18:12

Sorry. I'm trying to work out a time line.

A few weeks ago you met this boy and you both fell instantly in love and decided to get married and have babies, then you met his family, and his brother and dad liked you but his mum didn't. You didn't have sex, then you did but it was in the spare room, and his mum phoned him, then you are sitting with your family, he gets hysterical and drives away. This is his mum's fault. Now you think you will never have a relationship again

Have I got that right?

TheBhagwan · 28/01/2019 18:12

So if not for the mother you would be happy with a man who breaks out screaming and crying at the dinner table and runs away, with no apparent reason?

Bombardier25966 · 28/01/2019 18:15

You've still not told us how long this Christmas fling lasted for?

Original poster
Someone12345 · 28/01/2019 22:56

I think the reason for his crying is because of his anxiety. I would have stood by him through this given the chance. I did try to speak to him about the reason for his behaviour over phone but he couldn't tell me why, just I was pressurising him to give an answer. Then when I stayed with him over Christmas he eventually told me about his anxiety and it made sense to me why he behaved this way.

We spoke to each other on-line through a dating site, so we spoke everyday for a couple of weeks before finally meeting at the beginning of December. We went out on dates every week, for the next 4 weeks until 5th December, where he left as I stated above. No-one would have let their boyfriend leave in a car in the state he was in, without trying to speak to him. He was crying his eyes out to get back to his mum. I thought I was doing right by wanting to speak like adults. Maybe I just don't think I will find the same level of intimate love again like I did with him, he was my first. But I think I fell in love with a boy than a man, which is so sad, but he was so kind, lovely and romantic, everything you would want but he just wouldn't grow up. I've had to become independent, that's where we differ. I don't think anyone wants someone who cries but I was willing to support him.

OP posts:
GreenThing · 29/01/2019 15:24

Jesus Christ.

Grow up.

You didn't know each other at all, and neither of you have the emotional intelligence to sustain a relationship.

Miane · 29/01/2019 15:35

All this angst over 4 weeks?

That’s infatuation. It’s not love, sorry. This was a month long relationship with a manchild. You weren’t star crossed lovers.

As for never finding anyone again. Sure you will - don’t overdramatise.

I don’t want to be harsh but really, give yourself a shake. Don’t waste time mooning over this.

Original poster
Someone12345 · 29/01/2019 15:46

GreenThing- if you have nothing supportive to say, then shut up. He was the love of my life.

Miane- he was the one I wanted to be with, the only one. But I deserve better, so I know I will find someone better.

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 29/01/2019 15:49

I remember being stood in the Trafford centre with an Ex. He called his mum to see if he was allowed to buy a T-shirt? With his own money, using his own account? I was baffled. He then proceeding to try it on and send her pictures.

We went away for a weekend, and he had separation anxiety from his mum. He was 28!

He know lives in the house next door to her, with his new GF.

I’m glad I had a lucky escape....

Original poster
Someone12345 · 29/01/2019 17:18

Yes it was exactly that Duvetday2day - he had separation anxiety from his mum, he couldn't be without her. He had to get back to his mum and his family, their opinions on our relationship was more important than mine. Even advised him a long distance relationship wouldn't work. Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 29/01/2019 17:21

Your partner should enrich your life, not drag it down.

Miane · 29/01/2019 17:23

Someone genuinely he was not the love of your life.

You are underselling yourself.

He was just a rather weak bloke you went out with for a bit.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 29/01/2019 17:32

Are you absolutely sure he was 23?

Honestly mate, you need to stay single for a good while and work on your boundaries and self esteem. This should have had you running for the hills.

SeaEagleFeather · 29/01/2019 19:16

someone said here recently and I wish I could remember the quote, it was something like

Be with someone who encourages you to be the best version of yourself; to expand your horizons and to fulfil yourself.

You wanted this for him, but I don't think he wanted this for you. He wanted you to be something of a mummy-substitute.

Btw I agree with the pp who said that the immediate intimacy SO fast was a warning sign in this case. It doesnt sound like he was ever allowed to be himself by his mother, so he may have kind of (unconsciously) changed himself when he first got to know you so that you thought he was your soulmate. In time, you would have seen a different person.

Original poster
Someone12345 · 29/01/2019 21:03

Thank you all for your comments and SeaEagleFeather, I think that is what did happen for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someone12345 · 29/01/2019 21:17

SeaEagleFeather- I see this perspective on it now and I feel that what you said is totally right, thank you so much. I did think that the intimacy was too fast, but he was my first so I didn't really have anything to compare it too and obviously he knew this from date 1 (when he asked). Thank you

Thank you showmeshoyu too for your input and YippeeKayakotherbuckets - I cant believe he was 23, I'm younger than him.

OP posts:
Miane · 29/01/2019 21:30

There’s a great line:

“Be with someone who ruins your lipstick not your mascara”

The first few months of a relationship should be fun. Really fun.

Anything this much hard work was doomed.

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