I don't think my friend should get married

[anickelstory]

I'm going to try to do this without dripfeeding, so it might look disjointed.
My friend joined a Christian dating site last year.
in December she met a man on there and they started dating.
Last week she announced they were engaged and going to get married in March.

I don't think she should me marrying him, or rather I think it's far too soon to decide to get married to him.

I don't believe it's a whirleind romance where they're madly in love and have to be together.

This is what I know.
She has 2 children, both of whom have met him and spent time with him, but had made comments to him about being their stepdad really early in. Like the first time they spent time with him.
The children live 50/50 with my friend and their dad, they split after abusive behaviours from him, and he is still controlling and emotionally abusive. He has remarried.

My friend is a born-again Christian and has decided that she doesn't want to do sex outside of marriage now. I have no problem with this - she became a Christian a few years ago, after having children, and it was one of the reasons she and her ex split.
The problem is that she has stated that she doesn't want sex before marriage so they can't live together first (she has a 2 bed house so no spare room), and his lease runs out in March so "it's logical" that he live with them, but because of the sex thing "the only option" is to marry.
He lives in a small town about an hour away. They haven't mentioned him getting a flat closer to here, or even moving into a bigger house in this town so they can live in the same house before getting married.

He has 2 cchildren, one boy and one teenage girl. He has them fortnightly on weekends, and this means the teenager won't have any of her own personal space and will have to share a room with the 3 under-10 boys.

I have met him, he seems nice. He doesn't seem to have a permanent full-time job. I think he's a handyman.
my friend is part-time doing a uni course and part-time working aas a decorator's assistant.
She doesn't claim any child tax credits nor get maintenance payments because she and ex have 50/50 residence of the children.

I don't know how genuine his faith is. I have been told that a Christian friend of his took him to a festival where he "gave himself to Christ" but he hasn't joined any church nor is he looking for one. Apparently his ex wife is anti-christian so he's not allowed to take his kids to church when they're with him (my take on this is that churches are open other than Sunday morning), but he has taken them to my friend's church with them (the ex did know afterwards).

I see my friend at least twice a week, and she is definitely not giddy in love with him. She hasn't even mentioned loving him, and I'm sure that she is literally only getting married to have sex (well, also the fact that she's desperate for the intimacy of a relationship, because she does get lonely).

I don't really know what to do.
It all seems very "well, this is fsct so this is logical" and there's no apparent emotion (apart from excitement...)

When she first told me, she said they'd decided to get married outside with just family (which I questioned the legality of).
and the other day she said they're now doing register office the day before and then the outside thing with family and close friends.
But she's asked me aand dh to be witnesses in the register office, whivh surprised me because she's really close to her mum and sister.

I've made sure that she knows I'm here for her, but I can't do anything else, can I?
I have done the "are you sure anc are you happy?" Things and said I support her, but I did also say I thought it was too soon.
What do I do? It's like she's nailed a massive red flag to her house!

It’s none of your business.

I think you say nothing and just be there for her. She is an adult who can make her own decisions no matter how bad they might be.

Gee, thanks, Hazle I never realized that.
I didn't ask for snark.

Apollo yeah, that's it, isn't it. :(

I'm trying not to be too negative about it to her face, but it's so hard.

I was hoping for some nodding that it's a red flag situation, too, I suppose.

All you can do is express your concerns gently. If she doesn't want to listen it really is none of your business.

I’d be really worried for my friend too. Marriage - when there sounds like there could be a lot she doesn’t know. Does she know the state of his finances? Met any of his friends and family? He’s not going to church so she cant find out what he is like at church... what’s the rush? From her or him? She could be stuck in a tricky home life situation with so much that is unknown. If this was my friend I’d be wanting to say all this even if they don’t want to know!!

It's a bit odd she doesn't want to get married at her church. Is she worried they don't approve of him? I'm just thinking whether she could chat to a pastor or someone at church and potentially do marriage preparation. Don't know how easy that would be to suggest though.

Well it sounds like she's rushing into it but she's a grown woman. Maybe it will work out for them, who knows.
You can't do anything OP. Just be a friend.

All you can do is support her if it goes wrong. They may surprise you - I hope so.

It sounds as if it will be crowded. I suspect that the teenage girl won't be visiting very often under those circumstances, which will be a shame.

There is absolutely nothing you can do. This is her decision to make, not yours. Be her friend but back off.

Bending spoons i presume she doesn't want to get married at her church due to the cost- a donation for the use of the building (usually about £500) plus cost of flowers and having a day that it's actually available.

Personally I don't think there is a problem, I'm currently in a Muslim country where engagements are supposed to be as short as possible and the minimal meetings beforehand. There are lots of happily married people here, you don't need to live with someone or know them for a long time to have a successful marriage. If they were on a Christian dating site then I presume it is similar to Muslim ones- you go on to find a spouse not to find a bf/gf so there is less faffing about. They are both adults who know what they want and have had unsuccessful marriages before so should know what mistakes to avoid. You said in both cases part of the breakdown was their partners not accepting their Christianity, at least they won't have this issue now and they can support each other.

Is have to say something!

You’d have to be very gentle and ready to back off but you can’t not say anything. There are children involved here, it’s not just two silly grown ups.

I’d say “I’m a bit worried about you, can we have a chat”. Ask her to consider the fact that she barely knows him and she is moving him into her house with her dc. It really would be better for the children if she waited a bit longer.

BeeMyBaby that's true. I was mainly thinking the marriage prep might be helpful to get 5hem thinking. It's also that I have attended churches that have always said they will do it cheaply/for free for their regulars, with other members keen to help out to keep costs down. At non picturesque churches, date availability seems to be less of an issue. I accept though this doesn't apply everywhere and is maybe more complicated here e.g. possible divorced partner (I don't know if this is the case obviously).

The speed by itself would be less worrying if there weren't children involved. I hope it all works out for them but OP YANBU to be worried. Whether you can say anything is another matter.

It is odd imo that they aren’t marrying in church. If they are such Christians that they can’t have sex before marriage, how can they believe their marriage is real of they haven’t done it “before god”?

Also to add, I haven’t got a single close friend who I wouldn’t gently voice my concerns to, if they were in this situation. How can you be close to someone and not say anything?!

They is a very slim chance it’s actuallybthe right thing for her. Is she the sort to tell you all the lovey-dovey stuff she’s feeling? Maybe she’s over talking the practicalities because she’s embarrassed that’s it’s just because she loves him so much??

Yes it's fast but some people are impulsive I support. Not all churches allow divorcees to marry in church especially the more evangelical kind. Ok I don't get the whole no sex bit but I respect those who do, it's really their choice as is being a born again Christian (at our church many parents aren't married and no one cares, ditto we marry divorcees). All you can say to her is that you are concerned about the speed of this, does she really know him well enough yet? But respect her decision - I have friends who married within 4 months of meeting and are very happy 20 years later.

Are they not getting married in church because one has been married begore?

I can't marry Dp in the Catholic church, because I married exh in church.

My best friend married someone I don't think she should have married. I didn't voice my concerns as such. When they were having issues, I sat her down and asked her if she really wanted to marry him. She said yes. So I support her and I support their marriage. I am not going to try and get in the middle of their marriage or cause problems. I still talk to her and give advice as I would if I had been happy she was marrying him.

She is my best friend. She wanted to marry him and will always get my support.

I understand how you feel but, honestly, your friend has to make her own mind up. I felt strongly about someone getting married many years ago and it caused a rift (softened as time went on), but they've been married donkeys years now with two kids of their own, very successful and I regret ever interfering. My excuse - I was young then and thought I knew things but I didn't and I regret my vocal interference (which did nothing).

Just wish your friend well and if it doesn't work, be a shoulder to cry on

xx

It's hard but you need to let her live her life and respect her choices.

@anickelstory...ignore the "none of your business " comments...would these people say the same if you said he was abusive? Of course not.

You care about your friend but you cannot make her do anything. The most/best you can do is to just support her and be there. Do not offer any advice unless she asks you first. Be kind to her.

It all seems very "well, this is fsct so this is logical" and there's no apparent emotion (apart from excitement...)

Isn't excitement an emotion?

If you've voiced your concerns and been rebuffed I really don't see that you can do anything else....

Mumsnet double standards at their best! To the people saying it’s none of your business - I can guarantee if I posted saying “I met a man in December, going to introduce him to my kids straight away and start calling him step dad, AIBU”, I would be absolutely slaughtered. The general advice here is to wait at least a year before introducing kids. But apparently if you’re getting married then it’s OK. Madness.

While it's her life and you ultimately can't tell her what she can and can't do, I don't think I could just sit and say nothing in your situation. It could all work out for the best but if it does, it will be more down to luck than judgement- she can't possibly have learned enough about him in a few weeks to know that he's a good long-term prospect.

If she's asked you to be a witness at the wedding, she must trust you at least. Can you gently let her know that you're concerned about her, and just outline a couple of the things you've said in your OP? I mean, probably don't say that you think she's only getting married so she can have sex, but the concerns about the suitability of their living arrangements for the children are perfectly valid.

If her previous relationship was controlling and emotionally abusive, maybe she just thinks that someone nice who doesn't hurt her is as good as it's going to get?

I understand your concerns. My closest friend from university married someone I’d never met about eight weeks after she met him. I thought it was a huge mistake. Some thirty five years later, with four adult children and three grandchildren, they remain very happy.

I know several people who have committed to marriage in what most people consider a short time together and they have all been very happy. I think there might even be some research that shows those who marry without living together are most likely to remain married but I might be wrong on that.
Two of my daughters friends have done it and whilst not quite thirty five years, are very happy. One married at 20 and had a baby within the year. She and her husband now have three children and are running an outdoor pursuits centre together. They appear blissfully happy.