I don't think my friend should get married

[anickelstory]

I'm going to try to do this without dripfeeding, so it might look disjointed.
My friend joined a Christian dating site last year.
in December she met a man on there and they started dating.
Last week she announced they were engaged and going to get married in March.

I don't think she should me marrying him, or rather I think it's far too soon to decide to get married to him.

I don't believe it's a whirleind romance where they're madly in love and have to be together.

This is what I know.
She has 2 children, both of whom have met him and spent time with him, but had made comments to him about being their stepdad really early in. Like the first time they spent time with him.
The children live 50/50 with my friend and their dad, they split after abusive behaviours from him, and he is still controlling and emotionally abusive. He has remarried.

My friend is a born-again Christian and has decided that she doesn't want to do sex outside of marriage now. I have no problem with this - she became a Christian a few years ago, after having children, and it was one of the reasons she and her ex split.
The problem is that she has stated that she doesn't want sex before marriage so they can't live together first (she has a 2 bed house so no spare room), and his lease runs out in March so "it's logical" that he live with them, but because of the sex thing "the only option" is to marry.
He lives in a small town about an hour away. They haven't mentioned him getting a flat closer to here, or even moving into a bigger house in this town so they can live in the same house before getting married.

He has 2 cchildren, one boy and one teenage girl. He has them fortnightly on weekends, and this means the teenager won't have any of her own personal space and will have to share a room with the 3 under-10 boys.

I have met him, he seems nice. He doesn't seem to have a permanent full-time job. I think he's a handyman.
my friend is part-time doing a uni course and part-time working aas a decorator's assistant.
She doesn't claim any child tax credits nor get maintenance payments because she and ex have 50/50 residence of the children.

I don't know how genuine his faith is. I have been told that a Christian friend of his took him to a festival where he "gave himself to Christ" but he hasn't joined any church nor is he looking for one. Apparently his ex wife is anti-christian so he's not allowed to take his kids to church when they're with him (my take on this is that churches are open other than Sunday morning), but he has taken them to my friend's church with them (the ex did know afterwards).

I see my friend at least twice a week, and she is definitely not giddy in love with him. She hasn't even mentioned loving him, and I'm sure that she is literally only getting married to have sex (well, also the fact that she's desperate for the intimacy of a relationship, because she does get lonely).

I don't really know what to do.
It all seems very "well, this is fsct so this is logical" and there's no apparent emotion (apart from excitement...)

When she first told me, she said they'd decided to get married outside with just family (which I questioned the legality of).
and the other day she said they're now doing register office the day before and then the outside thing with family and close friends.
But she's asked me aand dh to be witnesses in the register office, whivh surprised me because she's really close to her mum and sister.

I've made sure that she knows I'm here for her, but I can't do anything else, can I?
I have done the "are you sure anc are you happy?" Things and said I support her, but I did also say I thought it was too soon.
What do I do? It's like she's nailed a massive red flag to her house!

Suggest she and her fiancé get pre marital counselling through her church.

Mumsnet double standards at their best! To the people saying it’s none of your business - I can guarantee if I posted saying “I met a man in December, going to introduce him to my kids straight away and start calling him step dad, AIBU”, I would be absolutely slaughtered. The general advice here is to wait at least a year before introducing kids. But apparently if you’re getting married then it’s OK. Madness.

Very much agree with you. It’s the children here who will suffer the most. The mother and father are putting their desire for a shag before their children’s happiness.

I personally think it's far too fast, especially with kids involved. I'd voice my concerns but sadly there's nothing else you can do.

As others have said the church may not marry them if one or both are divorcees. That is dependent upon the individual church in evangelical circles.

Many Christians marry quickly. Like any marriages sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. If she has a good church they will support her. Some do offer marriage courses or pre marriage counselling to try and minimise divorce rates so maybe suggest she asks about that. It won't hurt and it could help flag potential issues.

Perhaps he has a massive knob and she’s a bit knob struck and can’t think straight.

ignore the "none of your business " comments...would these people say the same if you said he was abusive? Of course not.

But she hasnt said he is abusive. It's not anywhere near the same.

The advice would be different if he was a convicted murderer as well. What's that got to do with anything.

I'm just reading through, thank you everyone for your responses.

Her church is a non-denominational church do would have to have a registrar as well as the pastor.

His marriage was already over when he became Christian, but his ex didn't want the kids to go to church.

I love the marriage prep idea - that should at least help them to learn how to learn about each other if nothing else.

I'll read the rest...

My friend wasn't married before, but ahe does have a history of jumping quickly into things (not relationships before), which usually are short lived. I worry this might be a similar thing, but of course I don't know because of it being a person and not a thing

I feel for you and I don’t think you can do much but be there. You don’t have to be positive about it and you DON’T have to agree to be a witness.

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding I really wished wasn’t going ahead. They’re still married and it seems to be going okay but it was a difficult thing to be part of, I really didn’t have a choice about being involved and it sucked. I plastered on a smile and did my jobs, if you can get out of being part of the wedding then please do.

Contessals - the excitement is directed at the idea of the wedding, rather than at being married.
Hard to explain, but it doesn't seem to be directed at the thought of marrying him

Say nothing.

Support her wishes and hope they have a long happy life together.
Or
Support her if it goes pear shaped.

She’s made up her mind and she’s a grown woman, so there isn’t a lot else you can do.

I know what you mean, Anne.
I suppose it's still early days, and I've got time to watch them grow in their relationship.
I'm really chuffed to be asked to be a witness, for her, not because I agree with their wedding. If it had just been aanother few months - maybe if they'd agreed this but he renewed his lease for another short term so they could get to know each other and do it with their eyes open.

I'll keep checking for responses, but I think I will raise the subject of marriage preparation - then at least I will know that they've given themselves tools to make it last.