I am Charlotte Collins... please advise me

[BigMandy]

Like Charlotte is Pride and Prejudice, I married because he was the first person to ever ask me out. My DH is 10 years older than me and we have 3DC.
I am very secretly but massively depressed. No self esteem and binge eating issues. However, two colleagues this week have both described me as "a wonderful asset", "full of such passion and energy" and "with all the skills to go to the top". It came as such a surprise I nearly cried.
My DH is pretty much exactly the same as Mr Collins. Ultimately a "good" person but I find increasingly negative, pours scorn on literally every single idea from which items I can put on for a wash (I kid you not-he literally removes them from the machine and puts them back before I can turn it on) to career thoughts, what our children should study, every single thing. I sometimes joke internally to myself to try and bring up a topic of conversation he couldn't possibly find something to disagree with. He tells the same tired stories to aquaintences who have heard them before. He doesn't hit me and makes a great cup of tea but I feel like I have painted myself into a horrible corner. We NEVER go out. I try to encourage him to spend weekends doing something together with the children, go out, etc but he just wants to stay at home. I am bored and frustrated and life is passing me by.
Please can anyone advise me?

Leave him. What a miserable sounding life that is. Even if you were much poorer you’d be free of the constant battle you’re fighting now.

If you feel you can’t do that now my advice is make your own life. Don’t sit around and wait for him, go out just you and the children, or by yourself. Don’t watch things with him, get netflix on your phone and some headphones. Take up a hobby that he can’t invade like learning a language (headphones again!) or running (he’s at home with the children). Take back your own life, you only get one.

Do the washing when he isn't around?
The dc will have their own ideas about what to study and what careers to aim for.
And make your own plans for the weekend, tell him what's happening and if he doesn't want to go, you and dc go without him.

I'm afraid you can't rely on someone else for your happiness. It's your responsibility.

Alternatively LTB!?

I don't really do direct advice. But you could try to think through the different scenarios.

What would happen if you left or asked him to leave, I.e. you split up. Presumably you and the kids would breathe a massive sigh of relief, as it all sounds stifling of any imagination, creativity, spontaneity and fun. Are there other positives, negatives?

Or if you stayed, could you just do what you want and let the criticism roll off you? Would you be able to do this and start making positive steps within the marriage? He might find this threatening as change often is. You might need to take some time to figure out what you want to do. You might also want a counsellor so you have someone in your corner as it were. I suspect this is the Charlotte Collins answer, and that they basically led fairly separate lives. He sounds fairly life sucking though, so you'd have to have solid defences. I also wonder if this would be sustainable once the kids go. In this scenario, don't wait for him, you go out, with or without the kids. He is invited (maybe, if he isn't a joysucker) but if he doesn't come don't let it stop you.

Overall, I'd say you get one life. Your kids get one childhood. It's over in a flash, and could end literally any day. Make it a joyful one. And that is no one's responsibility but your own (in the most compassionate way, because depression is truly shit and motivation sapping).

Get. Away. From. Him.

Before all the life is sucked out of you. Thankfully you are beginning to smell the coffee, you can do it like many of us have.

I don't think I have the strength, capacity or incentive to LTB despite the odd feeling of lightness when I consider it - I think I am rose tinting the reality.
"Solid defences" are EXACTLY what I need. But what are they made of and how to I go about building them?

I think the problem with having such a negative voice around you all the time is you end up internalizing it and it becomes your own inner critic. And then you can't see that it's not true.

You need to develop a separate voice of your own. I very seriously think counselling/therapy would be helpful here, especially if you already have self esteem issues, binge eating and depression. First off you need to find other ways to comfort and soothe yourself. You need to be able to love and look after yourself. Then you need to find that balanced, realistic, non-critical, forgiving and compassionate inner voice. Get that strong. Find a life outside and beyond that makes you feel good. Those are your defences. If you really believe it, you can ignore his crap. You are worth a better life than this. It will take time, hard work, painful realizations to get there. You may discover along the way that you have greater strength and capacity than you realise right now. But please give this a go, for yourself and your kids.

The other thing it takes is practice. Make a start at living your new life of joy tonight or tomorrow. One tiny act designed to give yourself pleasure, self care. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Because you want to do something nice for yourself. Invite the kids or not. But take a step and keep going. I will keep checking in if you want me to. Post updates. Make your own happiness one step at a time.

Stop being secretly depressed. Tell him how you're feeling and why. Talk to friends. Tell your colleagues it meant so much to receive positive feedback.
I agree that you should try counselling.

I agree with individual counselling. You can refer yourself without seeing a GP through the NHS website.

You could also look at the Support thread for people married to people with Aspergers. I’m not suggesting it is that, but plenty of what you describe fits the bill.

to you.

The thing is OP...

Charlotte Collins married Mr Collins because she had reached an age were she was starting to be considered a spinster. Women of her class couldn't work and so her parents were her only financial support. Marrying Collins gave her dignity and a greater degree of financial independence as she was running her own house.

Knowing that Collins was the heir to the Bennett home her great hope was that she could give him a son and then outlive him, living in comfort in the town she grew up in.

In the social circumstances it was a shrewd choice for her.

We don't live in the 1800s anymore. You don't have to be a wife to have social standing, you don't have to chain yourself to a man that you don't love for financial support and security

You aren't Charlotte Collins because you have choices she couldn't have dreamed of

Make choices

We're not living in the Regency. Charlotte Collins's choices were to marry her only prospect, or live as a spinster and die poor and socially shamed. Also, Mr Collins was a pompous idiot, not mean and negative.

Get counselling. Do stuff on your own. Avoid him as much as you can. And then leave.

Have you ever challenged him on how negative he is? Is he aware that he’s become grumpy and boring? You need to say it out loud to him. Be direct. Something needs to change, like you said, life is passing you by.

OP, I thought this was going to be a joke thread, I'm really sorry this is your life. What BH says is right, Charlotte Collins made the best decision given the limitations on her, and also, perhaps, the expectation that marriage would be fulfilling was not usual.

Consider though, is his negativity always directed at you or is it more general? I ask because some men make a speciality of undermining their wives/girlfriends. If he's just a generally miserable sod then you may be able to make your peace with that and carve out a satisfactory life under the same roof.

But if your self esteem is constantly under attack, if you end up doubting yourself, if he belittles you in front of the children and tells them to ignore you, if he tells you to do something and then changes his mind about what he wants and blames you for getting it wrong....that's a different matter altogether.

I have challenged him. I did today and tried to make it a bit jokey. He just more forcefully told me I was even more wrong and I didn't understand the issues (we were discussing a meeting I had attended but he had not?!).
Yes I have probably made a wrong comparison to Charlotte Collins - she didn't have the choices I do. It's hard to see choices sometimes though.
I'm not sure about counselling. I did a few qualifications in it and I've always felt it's a bit hands-off when I need some concrete advice and suggestions.
I have started to avoid him. At dinner this evening I couldn't wait to have an excuse to leave the table as soon as possible. I just see this spiraling into a blacker and smaller hole and one day I will be too old and sick to dance at all.

Stop pretending that everything is ok. Posting on here is a start. Hopefully, like Charlotte, you have at least one close friend who would listen irl. Pouring scorn you is not nice to live with. How do you react when he does it? What happens when you challenge his behaviors?

So don't allow that one day to come without a fight.

If leaving immediately is too difficult, plan your way out, secretly visit a solicitor, work out your first steps and then your next steps and then your next until you've waked very far away from the way you feel today.

Sorry for the cross post. Are you able to say any more. Have you ever stepped outside of the argument and challenged the behaviour? Does he ever apologise?

do you have your own money? if not, start hiding some

How would he react if you were rude? "Oh, don't be so silly! What a stupid thing to say! What do you know about it!"
"If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"
"Who went to this meeting anyway?"

another question...are you frightened of disagreeing with him, or him finding fault with you? what are you frightened of?

You sound so unhappy and who can blame you. He’s sounds pompous and rude.
I’m sure you would blossom if you don’t have him underminding.

You badly need some self belief for a start....could you try some affirmations? You feel weird at first but it's about believing in you and reprogramming your brain.
Google it, Louise Hay is amazing.

I wouldn't bother challenging him. He is unlikely to respond well. Constant battling will be exhaustibg and a waste of energy. Plus you need to, and can only, change yourself. Concentrate on that and decide how you want to be different.

're counselling/therapy, there are different types, not just the non-directive, authentic listening type. You do sound like you want someone to work with you on a decent formulation/understanding of your issues, and maybe some structured tasks/exercises which can help develop/strengthen new skills and which can support you to come to your own decisions without telling you what to do. I disagree that you need more direction than this, because you need to strengthen your own voice and be confident in finding your own direction. Otherwise you are falling into the same pattern with someone else telling you how to live.

Ps, you are finding it hard to see the choices because you are ground down and depressed. This is the vicious cycle of depression. So self care first. Make some small, achievable choices for yourself and start feeling a bit more positive. Be kind to yourself - it's great the world has moved on from Charlotte's choices. Make some small ones and get the confidence and energy to face your big ones. Make your virtuous circle.

He sounds awful.

He's literally just done the exact same thing with the dishwasher - stopped it rearranged things in it and pressed go again... I know it sounds so petty but I just dont get it.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
Yes I need to decide to be different. I am up for trying some positive affirmations (what's the worst that could happen?!) and I think I will begin with this. (Small steps and can be done with no-one else knowing).
I'm not particularly frightened of him. But he is better educated than me, more qualified, more earning power and better at speaking up. I can write a good come back but am tongue tied on the spot in contrast to his lawyer style arguments.

It sounds like he has OCD, for a start. And real control issues.