New relationships when you have an anxious attachment style - feel like ending it first

[zzHummingBird]

Before I get the ''love yourself'' advice, I do, I have a meaningful life and when I'm single I'm not at all bothered with over thinking or anxieties, but as soon as a Mc-Relationship edges towards being something real, I feel I lose all my inner equilibrium and peace and become interrupted with thoughts about how I could never hold anybody's interest long term and so I might as well just bail now.

This is not the NORMAL me by the way. I have been single for most of my adult life and been independent, content, successful. I've loads of interests, I don't mind being on my own, I'm brave enough to go on holiday alone and have done so and enjoyed it. But relationships have not fallen in to place for me. I've been in some really bad ones though.

I know there are loads on mumsnet who get this. So excuse me for this thread now. I'm not going to end it, although last week I was thinking to myself, look, if he shows up and ends it I will feel relief in one way, back to my old steady single self. I had talked myself through the breakup, and then he showed up and we had such a lovely time and I felt wonderful again. So I don't think that ending it is the right thing to do (this time). It has been in the past with men who didn't have a good character and stupidly I didn't end it quick enough. Or I did and felt relieved but still like I couldn't have made it work for much longer.

I had therapy ages ago and it was really good. After I left an abusive relationship 11 years ago.

What are your expectations, OP?

Oh yes, what I meant to ask was for others to talk to me about how they dealt with this stage in a new relationship or a relationship changing from feeling casual to a bit more intentioned. Did you feel 'sick' nearly? And would ending it first have felt like a release from that?

My expectations are that other people's similar experiences living with anxious attachment styles (disorder) will help me /be interesting to me!

No no no, I meant from a relationship :), sorry, I wasn’t very clear, was I?

I remember the anxiety of the first few months of dating, I was almost obsessed and had my guard up. i didn’t act on it, I thought it’s my attachment style being completely off.

The thing is, I should have seen it for what it was: a massive row of red flags.

Intimacy triggers deep-seated issues that we don't really have to face when we're single. So the patterns of intimacy that you grew up with will be activated when you are vulnerable, i.e. getting closer to someone else.

It might be worth exploring this in therapy.

Can therapy help when one already understands exactly what 's happening and why but just needs ......... a bit more experience in relationships? I am not as triggered as I was even four or five years ago.

As for expectations in a relationship, seriously, I wonder why I am doing this really. I was happy before, and I know I'd be happy with or without him. Obviously having been single for so long, and honestly operating with fewer self-doubts and anxieties as a single person than I experience in a new relationship, you would wonder WHY I am bothering when you read this!?!? But I'm human. I really like him. I want to try. He has shown good character (Before we got together, when he was an acquaintance)

I think that you should return to the therapist (if poss) to help you unravel this. I empathise, I have very strange feelings re intimacy myself, but I'm not sure that this board can help much - I reckon you need proper, qualified support. Meanwhile, take it slow and steady with this chap. Good luck. Let us know what happens.

I think what you’re describing is avoidant rather than anxious? There is a good book by Amir Levine called Attached that helped me

Although I’m not a professional at all so feel free to disregard

Yep.. I get it. Currently hanging in there, trying not to overthink everything in a 2 month old relationship with a lovely guy. I've been safely alone with my barriers up and not even wanting to date for 5 years. Feel a bit of a needy mess just now though don't think I'm showing it. I have a feeling he's a bit the same though.

I keep feeling like he's bound to end it and lose interest or just wants to be friends even though there's no reason to think this from how he is with me.

I know it's my history that makes me feel like this. My therapist was so good years ago. I keep thinking about what he said about negative thoughts. He said to ask what the evidence is to back up the thought. Usually there isnt any!

@Partylikeits2019 that book is good. Been reading it on kindle today. Was only 99p! So I'm one of the anxious attachment types. Figures!

Yeah that book changed everything for me. Especially the activation strategies which I realised I did like seek closeness by talking about him all the time on threads here which were support threads (ie the dating one or the linerance one) but ultimately made it worse for me as it just played into my unhealthy attachment

@Januaryschmanuary, that's a good tip.

I've read the Attached book. It is really good, I agree, I am a mixture of avoidant and anxious because if a partner is too certain about me I feel stifled. But in this relationship I feel anxiety. It could change on a sixpence though.

I think how you're feeling is totally natural. Being on your own is your comfort zone, and no one else has the power to hurt you that way, or let you down. The urge you have to finish it is a bit like ripping off a plaster; get in there first, before he can do it to you, type of mentality.
I don't have the answers but I DO understand it

I know what you mean op. If they're too keen, I back off too. Nearly finished that book. God I'm so the anxious one right now. Saw him today and been reading book this evening. Now I know I've been acting out a bit because I'm feeling insecure for several reasons. I need to calm the heck down and then try and be a bit more proactive in addressing what's up with me.

Thanks @Dieu

@Januaryschmanuary, glad there are others like me out there! At the weekend he really proved he has no intention of ending it with me and so I felt relief. I felt good, briefly and then today I have experienced doubts. I am a sane, balanced person but I shock myself with how I can go from anxious it'll end to doubts it's even right for me in the space of 72 hours. But this will pass. I saw a lot of him over the weekend, and I'll see less of him all week so by the end of the week my anxiety might be back, to a degree. I sound like a proper fuckwit. No wonder being single is my comfort zone!

No I get it.. I must be loopy too. Part of my issue is that I am only seeing him a couple of hours here and there. I thought I'd be seeing him maybe more this weekend when I don't have my son but he's not sure what his plans are with his son so that has made me feel like I'm not important to him. Obviously his son should come first but he'd said about seeing me and now I feel like he's backtracked.

This and the fact we've not had sex yet in two months. Urgh! I need a holiday from my head!

@JanuaryShmanuary, well have you done the deed?! Is your head full of thoughts. I had really waited to sleep with this guy too, and then when I did I felt like I wasn't as certain I wanted him, well, as a boyfriend. I still feel things for him though.

I don't want to end it. I still like him. Maybe I finally have the balance I needed. I don't know how I'll feel 48 hours from now.

I hope you have reached equilibrium!

@zzHummingBird no! Haven't seen him. I was poorly last week which is partly why I was feeling so down about the things. Feeling much more positive this week. We've talked lots on the phone. Feel closer to him though really want to see him soon and still not sure when that will be exactly.

I am also so gagging for it, it's driving me mad lol! I'm going to have to be patient.

I read that book again! I do think it's helpful. I'm trying to go with the advice of being straight about what I want. I also had some lovely advice from my friend who wisely said I can't control how he behaves or feels but I can control how I behave. So trying to be positive and then maybe he will be positive. Seems to be better this way so far. We've had few chats about feelings so slowly we'll see where it goes.

Hope you can calm down a bit! I'm probably going to be OK until pmt kicks in next week lol!

Me. I’m like this. Obviously early relationships can be like this anyway, but it’s very uncomfortable for those of us who are anxiously attached. I find it helpful to think of myself as a small child in distress. Which is essentially what I am in those moments of anxiety. And use the mantra ...this is all about me I try and be as gentle with myself as poss.

I think it’s also useful to think about the small ways in which you defend against hurt in your relationship. The small things that keep you from being emotionally intimate/vulnerable which make you seem not too invested. Those things can give off vibes without you knowing which have the opposite effect to what you want. If we are honest with ourselves there are lots of barriers up.

Only just calmed down in my relationship and I’m 3 years in! Sorry, that probably wasn’t what you wanted to hear.

He therapy too. Understanding it doesn’t cure it. I don’t think there’s a magic cure!

How is everyone? I'm having a wobble today ☹️

Hi @Januaryshmanuary, what's the wobble about? Are you two still together but you're still not clear where you stand? Have you had the conversation? I KNOW you have to endure the uncertain phase for a while, it's the nature of dating, but if you feel that you don't know what 'it' is, ask. You can decide what to do if anything based on the information his answer gives you.

I'm still in the not 100% sure I'm still feeling it. But I always doubt it when I'm not with him but when we meet, we still click. I feel no real anxiety now but it's been replaced by another feeling, doubt. Or is it doubt? Rationally nothing has changed. I was certain about him UNTIL it became clearer that we were a thing now. I"m ignoring the feelings for a while and continuing to go out with him. The last time I felt like this (this same emotional trajectory exactly) I got dumped around about now and that shocked me!! I think this is different mind you. On paper the one who dumped me was far more suitable, a few years older, divorced, kids about the same age, lived nearby..... this man has no kids and is younger than I am and lives miles away but there feels like a bit more 'glue' to our connection so I hope it survives until I feel clearer. If we ended I'd still really want to be his friend.

I'm glad your anxiety has passed. It's horrible. Doubt is not easy but you will work through that.

Are we still together? Well yes? But then, I haven't seen him for two weeks. Think we're getting together this weekend but it's feeling vague.

Last time I saw him I didn't know until the night before either. I know he's not a player at all or anything like that.. It's more that I am wondering if he's avoidant.

We have been talking just about daily still and he always texts but today just a hi in response to a short one from me.

I know if he rings later I'll feel OK but it's classic isn't it? I feel a bit pathetic. In my head I've gone from totally OK a day or so back to it's all over and it's for the best right now.

I got the thanks but no thanks text. Said he felt pressurised to be something he can't be which has made me feel a bit shit. Its best to know though. Maybe he just liked the idea of a relationship and reality isn't the same.

Oh well, I guess I can go back to being bored and lonely but not anxious!

I am totally the same as you so I understand. I have laid awake for hours at night ruminating and anxious and holding on for every text. And similarly when I am single I am FINE- happy and independent and feel little need for anyone.

In my last relationship it felt completely different. I mean it didn't work out obviously but it was EASY. I felt a normal amount of "does he like me" type stuff but he was so straightforward that I knew where I was and didn't get anxious at all. I trusted that if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't (and when he changed his mind he told me) He wasn't gushy obsessed or anything, just a normal nice guy. So I think part of it is that it has to be the right type of person to match your attachment type. An avoidant person won't work for you. You need someone totally straightforward or it will drive you mad (not that there is anything wrong with them or you just that together it doesn't work)

I don't know if that really helps but I suppose just to say it is partly the interaction between you rather than you being a problem! I have been a terrible needy horrid girlfriend in the past due to my anxieties but when it was the right sort of person I was totally fine and a dream girlfriend

Hope that sort of makes sense and I hope you find the right person. I am sorry this one wasn't it.