New relationships when you have an anxious attachment style - feel like ending it first

[zzHummingBird]

Before I get the ''love yourself'' advice, I do, I have a meaningful life and when I'm single I'm not at all bothered with over thinking or anxieties, but as soon as a Mc-Relationship edges towards being something real, I feel I lose all my inner equilibrium and peace and become interrupted with thoughts about how I could never hold anybody's interest long term and so I might as well just bail now.

This is not the NORMAL me by the way. I have been single for most of my adult life and been independent, content, successful. I've loads of interests, I don't mind being on my own, I'm brave enough to go on holiday alone and have done so and enjoyed it. But relationships have not fallen in to place for me. I've been in some really bad ones though.

I know there are loads on mumsnet who get this. So excuse me for this thread now. I'm not going to end it, although last week I was thinking to myself, look, if he shows up and ends it I will feel relief in one way, back to my old steady single self. I had talked myself through the breakup, and then he showed up and we had such a lovely time and I felt wonderful again. So I don't think that ending it is the right thing to do (this time). It has been in the past with men who didn't have a good character and stupidly I didn't end it quick enough. Or I did and felt relieved but still like I couldn't have made it work for much longer.

I had therapy ages ago and it was really good. After I left an abusive relationship 11 years ago.

Thanks mrbob. I'm really hurting.

Ok.

Previously, I did the walking away first thing. I've only ever had McRelationships. Even my marriage was a McRelationship! I've never been loved or been in a loving, mutually supportive relationship because I can't cope with the thought of it. I'm 44.

I've recently met someone and he seems to like me. He says all the right things (without lovebombing) but tonight, I've seen he was on whatsapp about an hour and a half ago and didn't message me and, my default is, "well that's it, it's over - ahh well..."

Except that this time, I'm trying lots of positive self talk and not allowing the negative in. Other people have told me to do this before and I've never been able to but this time I'm forcing myself.

So why hasn't he messaged me? Well because he was chatting to his daughter; making an arrangement with a friend; on his way out to the supermarket; on his way home from work; had quickly stopped to get fuel; would rather message me later when he's finished all his evening chores and he's got the chance. Or maybe, since we spent the weekend together and chatted for a couple of hours last night, maybe he just doesn't want to talk for ages this evening.

I don't either really but that voice is there saying, "he's not just 'not messaged' you; he's ignoring you".

But then I remember that everything I know about him suggests that he's a kind and decent person. And there's no reason why he wouldn't be a kind and decent person to me.

And last night he told me he felt the happiest he had done in a long time because of me. And that won't have changed overnight.

Just lots and lots and lots and lots of positive self talk.

The anxiety is still there, but at a much lower level than previously.

wow sorry to hear that January but it sounds like you '''suffering in silence'' so you weren't putting much pressure on him! You wanted to have reassurance and if he wasn't able to provide that then you're better off ''bored and lonely but with the anxiety''. I feel the need for a bit of that again. I didn't see it as boredom even, just stability! Freedom, equilibrium. I nearly sabotaged things the other night by trumping up a row out of nowhere! I realise that I feel really disempowered by anybody disagreeing with me, because in my relationship with abusive xh (LONG time ago now) any time he disagreed with me, obviously that was another compromise I had to make, another piece of me that would be rail roaded over, another need of mine subsumed in deference to his needs/opinions. So I felt really triggered by a difference of opinion (not even about our relationship, it was to do with society iyswim) and I felt like my reaction was excessively emotional. But not before I over reacted massively and threatened to flounce off. We patched it up but I realise how many old wounds are healed, mostly healed until a comment makes me feel threatened.