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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uncaring Bf

32 replies

aceaceace · 26/01/2019 02:35

Hi, I’ve posted before but namechanged. I’m lying awake thinking about things.
When id been with my OH for about a year (this was Months ago ) I went to an event near him, think big concert type thing. He invited me to stop at his (usually a 20 min train ride away) n we said how I’d get in if he was asleep and all that. Anyway it got to the end of the night and the last train into this big city was cancelled. It was horrid everyone stranded and night busses very full. I ended up alone at the bus stop and long story short got hit by accident
BF was angry with me for being home late when I got in, angry for making noise in thetrying to clean up a cut head at 2 am I’d been stranded for hours and finally found a way home which left me with a 40 min walk to his I was very scared. I can’t get over his reaction months later and even thou he sed sorry i can’t ger over it.
Any similar exp and what did u do

OP posts:
ElizabethMainwaring · 26/01/2019 03:30

I've read your post several times and I'm not sure what you are asking.

CarolDanvers · 26/01/2019 04:11

Clearly her boyfriend didn't give a shit that she'd been hurt in a dangerous situation. He was unconcerned by her injury and that she was late home just pissed off she had disturbed him,

Yes I have been in a similar situation a couple of times with my ex H. Even when I was in labour with our second child he couldn't have made it clearer how little he cared for me. Another time me and his two year old son were stranded overnight in an unmanned airport with no food or nappies and arrived home 24 hours after we should have. He was pissed in bed and didn't even realise we hadn't turned up. What did I do? After a few years I wised up and got rid of him but I am still furious when I think of how little he cared for us and our well-being.

NotTheFordType · 26/01/2019 04:20

TBH if I has been as naive as to offer you a bed during Download and you rocked up at 4am with waily waily waily I'd probably still be pissed off now.

I take it you then broke up?

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 08:18

Hi, no we didn’t break up. It’s been a turbulent relationship but this one incident I cant get out of my head - i maybe didn’t make it clear I was alone and injured and he didn’t help. There’s been other stuff too and my mind keeps going back to it and it makes me angry

OP posts:
giantnannyknickers · 26/01/2019 08:32

Had an ex who nearly killed me drunk driving, didn't bring me to hospital as he didn't want to get me an ambulance despite me being knocked unconscious on the roof of the car. I didn't walk away. I had two kids with him and he left me when I was pregnant. Walk away now. If someone can't be there for you when you really need help they will never be there for you.

NameChangeNugget · 26/01/2019 09:31

Very confusing post Hmm

pictish · 26/01/2019 09:36

Yes ok...if your relationship is turbulent you are right to consider whether he’s a keeper based on your experience.

It could have been that he didn’t grasp the gravity of the situation the night you found yourself stranded and had an accident...but if it’s part of a pattern of uncaring behaviour you should definitely take it into account.

You’re not obliged to settle for turbulent and/or uncaring, no.

MashedSpud · 26/01/2019 09:39

Was he drunk or on drugs when you went to his house?

pictish · 26/01/2019 09:44

At the end of the day if this relationship making you feel angry and uncherished then that is more than reason enough to end it. It doesn’t matter who or what is at fault, the fact is, it’s not working for you.

whiteroseredrose · 26/01/2019 09:56

This is not someone who loves you. If he did his first reaction would to be to look after you.

DBML · 26/01/2019 10:00

Think about how nice it must feel to be with a man who cares about you.

I got drunk on a night out...was due to catch the train. DH drove to another city to collect me in the early hours. He stopped all the way home for me to be sick. Bought me water and tablets. When we got in held back my hair and rubbed my back. Finally got me to bed, making sure I was in comfy clothes and stayed awake to ensure I was ok. Next day, despite his sleepless night, he let me stay in bed until 5pm with the mother of hangovers, finally providing me with a McDonalds yo get up to.

Love cares all the time.
It’s wonderful to feel loved.
You deserve that too...but you have to give yourself the opportunity to find it.

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 10:39

I’m sorry if it’s a confusing post. Basically I am with him, but im struggling to get over this insixdent (probably the most demonstrative of his uncaringness along with other things). I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he says he’s sorry and he loves me and didn’t realise, but there’s no way I’d do that to him if the tables were turned. Basically I just wanted opinions because I’m struggling to get over it but I don’t know whether that’s silly

OP posts:
littleV58 · 26/01/2019 10:43

@aceaceace you're not being silly. It could have been so much more serious than it was & the fact you were left stranded on your own.

I'd be 1. Pissed off he got angry with me for being late because of something that wasn't my fault & 2. Pissed that he didn't even check to see if I was okay?

Did you call or text him to let him know what had happened?

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 10:46

Little - yes I did. There was major chaos at the station near the event - near riots and all the night busses were full and not stopping. I called him several times and he shouted at me, but I couldn’t get hold of my friends who I’d been out with (they weren’t expecting me back and had been out all day so low batteries). Three hours later I found a way home but had to walk 40 minutes to his house at around 3am with a cut face. He shouted at me for waking him up when I got in

OP posts:
percypeppers · 26/01/2019 10:52

He's telling you who he is. It's not going to get any better. I'd walk away now if I were you.

DH would have offered to come and pick me up if I was stranded. It's just what you do. Take care of each other otherwise what is the point?

I hope you find someone a bit nicer!

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 10:54

He doesn’t have a car so couldn’t pick me up, but he wasn’t proactive in being like I’m just here at the other end of the phone, don’t panic, I’ll google taxi companies etc (I don’t know the area and all taxis were booked up because of chaos). Even if he’d just given me a hug when I came in or made me a cup of tea. We’ve talked about it but I just can’t gef it out of my head

OP posts:
Qcumber · 26/01/2019 12:01

Omg OP he's absolutely horrible! It doesn't matter if he says sorry afterwards, how he treated you is appalling! I have a partner and if she called me to say her last train was cancelled (even without having been attacked) I would be doing everything I could think of to get her home. If no taxis I'd have been calling my family and offering to pay them to get her. He didn't care at all of you got home safely. He doesn't care about you. You deserve someone who treats you better than this. You can't imagine doing the same to him becauee you love him but he obviously doesn't feel the same way. I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out but don't waste any more time with this horrid man, it won't get better.

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 12:32

To be fair and transparent id not been attacked - it was a hit that missed someone else and caught me

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 26/01/2019 13:10

Fuck him, seriosuly.

Qcumber · 26/01/2019 13:37

That's irrelevant OP you were injured in a scary situation. Why are you making excuses for him?

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 13:51

It’s really hard to explain why I posted this now I’ve done it, but it’s like I want it to work and I wanted someone to give me an explanation that wasn’t he doesn’t care. I don’t think he cares. He says what he did keeps him awake at night but he just doesn’t ever do anything to make me think he actually is sorry. There’s plenty of other examples of how he’s done stuff

OP posts:
jenny8916652 · 26/01/2019 15:10

The post isn’t confusing at all you are hurt that he didn’t care enough in a time when you really needed him, so now you are questioning how much he really loves you and if he really cares about you.

If this was a one off incident and in general he is a caring person then maybe it just feels worse because you was the one who experienced that awful night and the fear you felt and maybe he just didn’t understand that and didn’t know how frighting it was for you but if he is generally uninterested in your feelings and is uncaring then I would say it’s best to move on now now. We all want to feel secure if a relationship and feel like our partner is there when we really need them.

Original poster
aceaceace · 26/01/2019 15:18

That’s the thing, I’ve needed him for smaller things and he always puts himself first but when I bring it up with him he brings up other things he’s done for me. He’s a brilliant person and we were friends first but I’m struggling with it. He also said he didn’t love me around this time (didn’t love me yet) but he’s said it since

OP posts:
pog100 · 26/01/2019 17:41

I'm sorry but this just isn't a relationship that's good for you and it's only going to get more obvious with time, not get better. I suspect it isn't so much that he doesn't care for you but that he doesn't care for anyone as much as himself. I would get out and eventually find someone who genuinely cares about you and others

Angrybird345 · 26/01/2019 21:14

I’d dump him, he sounds like an arse.