How to stop panicking about fertility

[User881919]

I’m 35 and been single for 6 months. I’m in a place to start dating again.

I wake up everyday feeling sick with dread that I have missed the chance to have a family. It’s affecting everything. I’d do anything to have been able to be a young mum and I sometimes think I am grieving this as well. That will never happen now, I won’t have the marriage in my twenties and a long marriage with someone. Has anyone dealt with this and picked themselves up?

Feel scared most of the time. When I date I can hide this and wouldn’t be with someone for the sake of it, but behind closed doors it is hard.

Donor is not an option for me. It’s about wanting a family and a husband is part of that.

Should clarify that a husband is part of that for me. I don’t judge anyone who has a child by a donor x

Why is donor not an option? You've no guarantee that if you married someone you'd stay together anyway. It sounds harsh but if having a child is important to you id consider doing it alone.

I just couldn’t do it emotionally and don’t have enough family support etc or finance really. It’s not something I would want to do.

Unfortunately there isn't much else you can do other than hope it works out.

would you/could you consider freezing your eggs?

Yes but what happens when you’ve done that?

You havent missed your chance may take longer to get pregnant but u still have time. If you want a husband family life then id spend alot of time looking for a guy this year ,dont give up hope x

I used to worry about fertility then I rapidly sequentially had several unplanned pregnancies in my 30s & older.

I think I'm saying that it's daft to worry about things you A) can't control B) are not definitely real.

There are a lot of things in life we don't get no matter how much we try or want them.

How? I’ve been on the dating apps. Never feel a spark. It just feels hopeless.

OP I’m 35 soon and I’m in the same way, thought I was going nuts waking up with dread, crying myself to sleep etc. I’m the same about a donor too plus I come from a very different culture where this wouldn’t be accepted. 3 people have announced pregnancy this week and I’ve been invited to a baby shower that I just can’t face. An elderly woman grilled me as to why I haven’t started a family yet the other day, giving me horror stories about fertility and I ended up sobbing my heart out for hours.

Have you anyone you can confide in in real life? I’ve kept it all in but my Mum found me after the event with the woman and listened to me and we sort of grieved together. It was helpful. Most people with kids in my own life cannot begin to comprehend what it’s like and say to join Tinder or use a donor as if it’s a walk in the park so I’d just been bottling the feelings up.

It’s not too late for biological kids though. There’s no guarantees it will happen but no guarantees you won’t meet someone soon and start a family. Reading the real statistics about conceiving between 35 and 40 and comparing to early 30s actually helped me to sleep last night. My Mum encouraged me to not write myself off yet and also reminded me that I could always adopt as a single person. I’m not underestimating the difficulties of that (I’ve worked with children and people with SEN and those in care for 15 years) but I know that I couldn’t live a life without children. I have been suicidal over this recently.

Bottom line, if you don’t want to imagine a life without kids you don’t have to. Get your finances as sorted as you can and build up a support network over the next couple of years so you have some resilience and people who can help you when you find things tough. Don’t rule out the donor route, write all your thoughts down and possible solutions. If you can, see a counsellor to unpick all of this and to grieve for the life you wanted but don’t have (yet).

But also, work on your self worth and then get back out there and try and meet new guys. One of them could still be the one and relationships in our 30s often move much faster towards marriage and children than relationships at a younger age did.

I wish I could give you a hug. It’s horrible carrying these feelings around. But keep talking it out on here and know you aren’t alone

I’m going to try ParkRun...loads of guys there but also, I need to improve my fitness. British military fitness looks good too. I’ve got some MeetUps I might try this year too. And hobbies hobbies hobbies! Ask friends if they know anyone. Say yes to every invite!

freezing your eggs is a way of preserving your current fertility. Should you meet someone later down the line and wish to get pregnant using them you have the option via IVF (and they will be as healthy eggs as they were as when you were 35). Its obviously a medical procedure and storage costs £thousands but if you can and want that option do it.

Ultimately I know people who met people post 35 and had kids no problem, I know people who struggled about late 20s...you just dont know what will happen. Ultimately as hard as it is no one met anyone by staying in- social, social social.

Typically I can't find the statistic now but I read an article by Christian Jensen stating that nearly 90% of 35 to 39 year olds are pregnant within a year of trying.

I had my first at 41 (pregnant at 40) and currently attend baby groups in which a large proportion of the mum's are in their late 30s.

I recently sold some baby play equipment and the woman who bought it was 44 with her first child, a little 3 month old girl with her in a car seat.

You realise the 35 fertility cliff thing is from a study based on 17th century French parish records?

While you may suffer fertility orobkems, you equally may not (in fact more than equally because it's 1 in 6 or 7) but even if you were to, there are options like ivf. And even egg donation.

Seriously you are not old enough to be so fiwnbabd fatalistic about this; if you were over 42 maybe. At 35, with no offence; take a chill pill.

Your anxiety 'baby rabies' as I've seen some not v pleasant men refer to it online,bwill make many men you meet feel you're looking for instant commitment &family, like a sperm donor - which is off-putting.

Then there's the fact that all this anxiety will impact you getting pregnant when you try to.

Use a few different dating sites to meet someone and be very persistent. Many people use this way of meeting someone these days, I personally know of several who are happily married. If you are actively doing something you will feel better.

The real issue is meeting someone - someone decent and well suited to you - and so you need to make every effort to meet new people.
Time to break routine and keep expanding your hobby, social circle etc relentlessly.

(Other useful facts I forgot to include above - births to mums in their 40s have recently overtaken those to mums under 20 in the UK.

I'm from NI, bordering Donegal in the Republic of Ireland and there were many many large families, mostly Catholic, with due to not using contraception,btge mum's going on til 45. I honestly believe births to late 30s, early 40s are a reflection of social and economic circumstances, not fertility.
We are now seeing the births in those age groups due to women have careers that we got used to not seeing due to our mothers very often having children young and being sterilised (still relatively young).

Go for hobbies & sports likely to be mixed or male dominated, volunteer places you're likely to meet men, what about singid holidays ...

You can.also meet men through other women sometimes, the wider your social circle. ..

Thank you for the responses and thank you shadylady for the kind words.

Feel low tonight and like everything I imagined is passing me by.

Do you think you could be clinically depressed because of it?

I think I am. I’ve started reading Feeling Good by David Burns and I might try taking St John’s Wort. It’s not going to magically hand me a husband and a baby but the worry, sleeplessness and low mood need sorted.

Can you think of some self care ideas that might help you? Feeling so low isn’t going to help long term and 35 is still very young. Depression lies to you, remember that xxx

Egg freezing is expensive and the success rate is not good. Perhaps relax your standards and not worry about a "spark" so much? That is hard apparently though, it is easier to "settle" in theory than in reality.

It’s perfectly normal to want a partner and children and at 35 its certainly not too late to have both. But you need to be proactive to find a partner - as well as clubs, pubs, hobbies and dating sites, go to places where you find lots of men; gyms, golf clubs, sports clubs etc.
(By the way, horse race meetings are incredibly sociable and a great place to meet men, so always worth a try).
Best of luck.

would you/could you consider freezing your eggs?

I was offered this by an employer when I was in my early twenties. Even with eggs collected then, the success rate was awful. So awful that it wasn't even worth it on a subsidised basis.

Look into it carefully before you choose that route. It's an option but realistically it doesn't buy you much time.

I don’t have higher standards than most scott

I am open minded but draw the line at men who haven’t settled down in any way - for instance those into constant travel and working abroad.

I never knew for sure if I wanted a family but wanted to know what my options were. When I was 36 I went and had some fertility tests done - I was working in London and there were lots of clinics where you can book online and go along - I think in the big cities in the UK these should be fairly accessible. This gave me temporary peace of mind

If it helps, I met my husband through OLD when I was about 34 and we now have a little one

It’s not too late

I broke up with a long-term partner at 35, i felt ancient and put myself under tremendous pressure to meet a partner and settle down. After 9 months I met a new partner through a sport/hobby: his eldest boys had taken it up and started coming v to my local club.
It didn't work out unfortunately but not due to any lack of commitment on his part (we were very different types with different approaches to a serious relationship, also I had residual feelings for my ex, whom ended up getting back together with).

My point is I did meet someone at 35 and it could easily have been a serious relationship /marriage (he was open to having more children) had I not decided we weren't v well suited and I had the opportunity to get back with my ex. I wouldn't have met him had I not been out attending that club and socialising.

Life and relationships (along with the possibility of children) don't end at 35, anything can happen. If is as limited as you let if be. You are still young enough to meet someone and have children,vevenbwjth the 'luxury' of a few years getting to know each other well. Lots and lots and lots (!) Of women have kids in late 30s ,( and beyond in some cases).

If you're suffering from depression that needs dealt with as well (though hobbies sports, activities etc will help).