SAHMs - how much does your partner do at home?

[bagsundereyes]

This is part rant, and part genuine enquiry. Since I've been on mat leave with dd (aged 3.5 months), DH has mysteriously lost the ability to undertake most simple tasks eg bring cups from bedroom to dishwasher, pick pants up off floor, never mind do laundry, cook etc.

I want to discuss this with him, as I'm a bit pissed off, but I'm not sure how much I feel it is reasonable for him to do. DD is not the easiest of babies, and does require lots of holding in the day. But on the other hand he works, and I do get free time when she's napping (2x 30 mins, 1x 1 hour daily). So I wondered, what does your partner do, and do you feel that's reasonable?

sits up all fucking night playing poker, sleeps all day and complains about the mess

..and no I don't think its reasonable

please ignore me as it helps to 'say' it

there are alot of other factors affecting his current behaviour

but I still think that he is being slightly unfair

in terms of housework, it varies. He's quite messy so the pants on floor/cups everywhere thing rings a bell, but then I do that too. And he will tidy the bedroom from time to time, often of his own accord. On a weekend, he'll hoover/tidy/wash up, and he washes up after I've cooked dinner in the evenings. One constant bone of contention is the cat litter tray, which he never seems to remember to empty. I get really enraged when I have to do it morning and night - it's not the most pleasant of tasks - and I hate having to remind him about it and sounding, inevitably, like a nag.

But otherwise when he's home I'm really happy with the amount he contributes. He might be a bit forgetful but generally he has a strong sense of what's fair and he wouldn't take the mickey.

I have 3 children 8,4&2, my 4 year old is autistic and extremely challenging. DH baths them and that consists on me handing the children to him, him washing them then handing them back. He loads this dishwasher as apparentky I don't do it properly. He never looks after the children for me while I have some free time and if I need to go and change the beds my youngest has to be strapped into her high chair in front of the tv so she doesnt annoy him. I hate the situation but things are very difficult for me with ds2 and dd is also showing some signs of asd. He goes golfing most evenings in the spring/summer which tbh is a relief. He does try at times though when I pull him up about it, but then things slide. He has no respect for me because i am a sahm which he admits because apparently I do nothing all day, would love to swop for a day with him lol. Sorry a bit long.

I always said that I was a SAHMUM - not a housewife.

Any housewifey things I managed to get done were to be seen as a bonus.

I am a cr*ppy housewife though, so it was no loss .

DD was a nightmare - wanted to be held all the time, rarely slept, and when she did (you guessed it) it was only being held. I got nothing done whatsoever.

DS was (and still is) easy - he sleeps a large part of the day, so I do get things done (now working though so still not much housework).

I'm guessing you get up in the night too. DH always agreed that when the baby slept, I could sleep as I needed to catch up from broken night sleep.

Neither of us did (do ) a lot round the house really, but we both understood that it was a team effort and not all down to me.

dh is brilliant - he does loads round the house

he knows being at home isn't an easy job, but he's glad I'm doing it for the kids sake

couldn't stand a dh who thought being at home is a doddle or who took the piss

bags - you say you get free time but in reality (at least I found) that 'free' time was mainly just time to catch up on stuff that wasn't directly looking after the baby.

I expect my DH to do an equal share of household stuff, and he's happy to. Just because his 'day' job has finished it doesn't mean he can put his feet up - after all my day doesn't stop at 6.00!

Despite being 'at work all day', I know (from having worked) that in many jobs you are not nose to the grindstone from 9 - 5, there is social interaction, a lunch break, (not to mention some slacking ).

So basically what I'm saying is don't feel bad about getting him to do his fair share. After all - if your job was a nanny to someone elses child he wouldn't expect you to be solely responsible for the housekeeping, so why should it be different because your job is looking after your own child?

DH is fab. Over the last 2 yrs. he's been working full time and doing MSc (finishes today - hurrah!). He is v. messy - clothes onthe floor, no concenpt of what a wardrobe is etc. But he always baths the 3 children (6,4, and 2) and does bedtime (or we do it jointly), unloads the d.washer, cooks tea at the w/es,etc. He also is really happy if I ever really need a break to take the children out or have them on his own for the day. Not v. often but sometimes I need a break - esp. now when i'm 39 wks. pg. He does seem oblivious to the laundry and the fact that clean underwear magically appears on a reg. basis. I think though that I'm really lucky.

Cooks more than me
Cleans floors after I've nagged him
Washes up maybe couple of times a week
Takes bins out
Is excellent with ds when home from work, playing, changing nappies, doing bedtime, bathtime and feeding/bottle so I get a bit of time to do stuff in the evenings.

Not sure how I'd cope without him really, feel very lucky, although he does also leave pants on floor and cups gathering mould at the sode of his bed so he's not a saint either!

This is a subject that causes many rows in our house. When I gave up work, we agreed that I would run the house while DH worked. This was a mutual decision based on a combination of long working hours and long commute for him plus the fact that I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to tidiness, etc. We agreed that his hours at home should be spent with the DCs, not on housework. Unfortunately, our ideas of 'running the house' are a bit different. I am perfectly happy to do laundry, cooking, shopping and cleaning as well as take care of the DCs but I didn't envisage it including gardening, decorating and ad hoc jobs like taking the car to be serviced, etc. I also object to picking up after him. Plus his 'spending time with the DCs' usually means watching sport on tv while they play in the same room, not actually playing with them. We've rowed about this on and off for the past four years and it always comes to a stalemate - he thinks we had an agreement and I should stick to it, I think he's being unreasonable. I don't think I'll ever change him but I'll be watching this thread with interest to see other people's experiences.

My dh does very little in terms of 'housework' but I hadn't really noticed until I thought about it for this thread as I also do very little, we're not the most houseproud people in the world!

He does a lot with the dc though, always does dd1's bath, gets them dressed/undressed, nappy changes, general playing/amusing as required, gets up with dd1 so that I can have a an extra hour in bed after being up with dd2 etc etc

Like someone else said, he has respect for what I do on a day to day basis, doesn't assume I'm sitting on my *rse watching Jeremy Kyle all day and doesn't nag about the state of the house or expect tea on the table when he comes in.

The not picking up after himself drives me mad though, as far as I'm concerned able bodied adults with functional opposable thumbs do not need someone else to pick up their mess.

DH does nothing, i just get on with it, its fine, sometimes its not and i say my peace and things change for a bit but other than that I do it. I don't find it too much of a problem

not much, in spurts, but then he does have 2 jobs, one in the office all day and the other making music for his other business in the evening

He needs to do more exercise though so more housework would be recommended

In my mind there is a difference between clearing up after oneself (so putting clothes in laundry basket, putting mugs in dishwasher, newspapers in recycling) and housework (mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms etc). My children are beyond the baby stage (4 and 6), and I am a stickler for everyone clearing up after themselves, so if dh does leave his cup and plate on the table then the children will soon remind him to put them in the dishwasher! Housework we share according to working patterns (though we mainly pay someone else to do it!)

If we are taking basic stuff here ie not shifting used mugs, or putting clothes in laundry basket, then tbh I would just ignore them until he realises that he needs to do it. That said I do try to make things as easy as possible for them - laundry baskets in each bedroom etc. But you have to think about what example you want your children to see, and regardless of who does the cleaning I think it is important that everyone takes responsibility for their own things.

He does a little during the week as he's out 6am - 7pm, after his dinner he will play with teh children or help me bath them. He will load the dishwasher, clean up the kitchen and help me tody up the toys when the DDs are in bed.

At weekends he probably does more than me as I'll be away getting the DDs/myself ready to go out whilst he does the housework. Things like bathrooms/bedrooms etc I do during the week.

A few people here seem to see looking after the children as part of general housekeeping duties. Not sure how that works, to be honest: I see them as entirely separate.

Mummydoit - your DH is being really unreasonable and taking advantage of the situation.

You couldn't have fully known when you made the agreement exactly what running the house would entail. You are in an adult partnership - there needs to be flexibility. It is selfish of him to just say 'that was the deal, so tough luck'.

And if he is being lazy in terms of entertaining the kids (ie TV) then he is not fulfilling his end anyway.

Have a serious talk with him before he makes you a skivvy x

He's v. good actually. Having left the two of them alone for just an hour and a half when DS was around 2wks (and got frantic call to get back from Tesco now) he quickly understood that I don't just sit around drinking tea all day.

Up to about DS being 12wks he took over cooking dinner when he got home - this from someone who never cooked at all apart from the odd fish finger sandwich. Proper cooked meals, because he though that was best for DS (being BF) He does housework (washing up, cleaning bathroom, vacuuming) when he can be bothered, which is fine because I know how knackered he is driving back and forth to work every day (he needs more sleep than me - always has - but doesnt get it because he wont take time out in the spare room as he wants to be near DS)
DS is less hard work now (not BF all day long, sleeping nearly full nights) so I've taken over the cooking again, and try to get as much housework done as I can during the day, but generally I think I'm pretty lucky. The only thing that never really happened was him helping with night feeds - he just couldnt cope so I stopped even mentioning it.

My friend's DH works away and stays in a hotel 3 nights a week, yet when he gets home he insists on moving their DD (4wks) from their room to the nursery so he can get proper rest even though he knows how much it upsets my friend He never lifts a finger around the house (even when they both worked FT), and this didn't change even though she had a cs and had trouble with moving around. I just count my blessings

He doesn't really do anything at all housework wise. Doesn't pick clothes up...put cups away...diddly squit!

DH takes the bins out,
Cleans out the bird cages once a week
Does his own washing
Puts DD to bed if he is home.
and most importantly removes slugs from the house

He is suddenly incapable of putting things out of DD's reach, loading dishwasher, hoovering or generally tidying up. We are both quite naturally messy people so there is a lot of tidying up to do but since I stopped work he has stopped oding most tings. I do bitch about it but then he points out that he now works 6 days a week so I can stay home and is knackered. So no-one wins that argument.

"sits up all fucking night playing poker, sleeps all day and complains about the mess

..and no I don't think its reasonable

please ignore me as it helps to 'say' it

there are alot of other factors affecting his current behaviour

but I still think that he is being slightly unfair "

Trinity...we seriously must share the same other half!!

thank-you all for sharing! This is hard. LadyMuck, I think you're right - the picking up after himself really must be addressed.
Mummydoit - I agree re the ad hoc jobs!

One of the problems, I think, is me not wanting to sound like a nag. DH is not a feckless *rse, but rather someone who doesn't priotise house stuff. Also he is not a great self starter. He doesn't take offence if I say "would you put the (already prepared by me) dinner on?" while I put dd to bed, but would never think of doing it himself.

Anyone had any success in tactfully suggesting things to their partner, without causing too much of a row?

im a sahm with dd3 and ds19 months. my new partner is great considering the 2 dcs arent his they are my partners that i lost last year my dp goes out to work at 4am and is home by 2pm i do the general work around the house but he does help out he will cook dinner we take it in turns to do the bath bedtime routine each night yes he leaves cups by the bed and washing on teh floor but i dont mind to much he will help around the house at weekends but as sunday is his day off i rather we spend time together.

Not too much, but he works every other weekend on top of doing a full working week. He will take his cups / bowls etc to the kitchen and his dirty clothes to the laundry basket, and he is fab with the dc. If I ask him, he will hoover, etc, but if I don't ask he will not spontaneously do it.

However, we are in the middle of lots of diy on the house, and he does the bulk of that.

To me that was the deal - I stay at home (my choice) and take on the lions share of the housework. He works f/t, and his spare time is just that - spare. So he plays with the dc, plays an online pc game with his mates, helps ds with homework, and gets to relax.

Luckily we are not overly houseproud, so I get a way with doing just over the bare minimum and get plenty of 'me' time too.