That feeling

[RealEyes]

Does anyone else ever just get an awful feeling something is wrong?

You aren't sure what it is or why but something is not right?

I'm saying this generically, as you know when something or someone is being different with you. But they won't say why or what but your gut is crying out there is?

Yes. Turned out I was right and my husband was having an affair.

Once my dh was being sneaky on his phone.
Turned out he had ordered me an amazing new chicken house!!
Hard not to be suspicious if you have been treated badly in the past ime.

A chicken house made me laugh 😂😂😂

It's an awful feeling, but you can't say anything as you could be wrong.

Yes indeed.
Both times I was totally right.
ExH was cheating and ExP was cheating.
Trust that gut.
Is there any way you can do some digging?

I've tried to do some digging and I've not found anything.

I really don't know if I'm still all over the place due to being on cheated on. And I'm just looking for things.

But I feel physically sick that I'm right

You don't need proof.
If the relationship is making you ill, end it.

Do you have children and/or financial ties to your DP?

OK so what has changed to make you think something is wrong?
Is he looking after himself better?
Going to the gym?
New underwear?
New aftershave?
Out with 'colleagues' more and more?
Coming home later and later?
Possessive over his phone?
Awake later leaving you to go to bed alone?
On the computer more?
On computer games more?
In the bathroom for longer periods of time?
Coming home from being out and showering or having a bath straight away?

The fact is, you don't trust him.
Where have you been digging?
I was so good, Sherlock would have been proud.
But it turned me into a paranoid wreck which is not good at all.
So you need to understand if you want to continue this and risk your mental health or if it's better to just end things.

My experience was exactly the same as @hellsbellsmelons. Something was off but couldn’t put my finger on it - he was cheating - sorry!!!!

I did so much digging for 3 months without success and I thought perhaps I was imagining the change in him, he tried to make me feel like I was losing the plot (gaslighting). I eventually caught him because he didn’t realise his iPhone and iPad were linked. He then reeled off “the script” 🤬

I really feel for you OP, it’s a horrible position to be in. I’m 10 months on and I’m feeling more positive and getting on with my new life. There is light at the end of the tunnel 💐

I'm more worried it's my past experience of being cheated on that's causing me to think like this.

Me too with the gut, after 17 ys of absolutely no worries, suddenly my Spidey senses set off. Brief EA that he finished, but still I knew during the 4 weeks that there was something

Anyone been proven wrong by their gut?

Is it a gut instinct or being paranoid?

I've been cheated on before by others so I do think it can make you paranoid but if you haven't been from the very beginning and this is new I would feel that there was something. One thing with experience is you do become more sensitive to the tells.

I agree @Ragnarhairybreetches

So how would you all approach it. If you have no proof?

I don't know. I did what I thought would work. I told him she was keen and inappropriate and I'd like him to distance himself from the friendship. Not stop it but keep it on group chat not private. He agreed, and I think meant to but then she messaged an innocent work text privately and so it went on.
He then kept those from me as he knew I'd be upset and he thought they were ok. Then she got drunk and texted demanding a dick pic and saying he made her wet!
Even with hindsight and talking to a therapist I don't know how I could have said anything more to prevent it.
I did find Shirley Glasses Not Just Friends a very good read. I obviously had a feeling about a particular person but I think I'd try a calm rational chat and then be on high alert. Not much help sorry. It's a horrid place to be

@Ragnarhairybreetches that's awful. Did he cheat with her or was it just her trying with him?

I had that feeling in a very low level way for the most part of my last relationship, only to ramp up massively during the last few years before I discovered actual cheating was taking place. He was never a trustworthy individual to start off with but I chose to ignore all of my instincts and label myself "insecure"

He got close. I didn't find out by snooping, she shot herself in the foot. After 4 weeks of angst where they had many chats he had two weeks off work and said they would ignore each other for that time and then go back to work clean slate. The night he came home she rang him in a state saying she was at risk and putting her young daughter at risk. I believe she wanted him to turn around and save her, he rang a friend of hers instead. It was this call I over heard.

I made him give me his phone and took it back to factory settings to retrieve all the texts so I know I know the timeline, and yes, she is in an unhappy marriage and was very very determined HOWEVER, he did not shut it down, he did cheat on me as far as I'm concerned even if there was no sex, it's the lies and the ego boost that did it for me.
Also even when I knew she tried for several weeks to start it up again but she is blocked, I check regularly AND we told works HR so they are aware too.
I recall the inner gut churning, the feeling you're losing your grip, the feeling that you MUST be wrong. Our relationship wasn't bad, he's a white knight and a fucking stupid knob (sorry, still a few anger issues to work through!) And she was sad and desperate for attention.

Shirley Glass book is extremely good at explaining how a friendship can slip over boundaries and how to deal with it.DH says he really wishes he had read it before as he would have seen the danger and known how to shut it down. Perhaps he would, I don't know, but it helped me feel vindicated and not crazy!

You might be right or be totally off OP, no one here can judge if your gut is really PTSD-like reaction because of your previous experience; or an onset of a depression or some other condition; or maybe you are falling out of love and subconsciously looking for a reason to end it.
Main thing - being unhappy can happen to anyone. And life is too short to be unhappy for long.

In the absence of actual proof - and you can continue to look, of course - i’d try to check myself out too.
Maybe talk to a counsellor - to rule out depression.
Check your hormones level. Fluctuations of hormones do sometimes lead to all kinds of changes in moods and how one feels.

Basically - either you leave now to stop feeling better, or try to figure out what is making you this.

As to gut - it’s questionable for me. Either there is factual evidence - partner’s behaviour is noticeably different; patterns have changed, etc. Or you found evidence.
If none of these are there - and you just ‘feel something’ - it could be something OR nothing.

But - if it is nothing and you are irrationally accusing your partner of something he hasn’t done - it’s going to destroy the relationship.

So - i’d try to untangle this. Sooner the better.

I'd second the idea of untangling things for yourself before jumping the gun. My ex destroyed our relationship because of his paranoia and mistrust. I've never cheated on anyone - he knew this - but his ex wife cheated on him and he looked at me through those eyes. In the end he became so touchy about me doing anything without him where there may have been other men present or whenever I didn't reply quickly enough that it destroyed us. Take some time to explore your own feelings. Your gut may be off because of being treated badly. Don't let your past spoil your present x

@Ginger153 thank you. That's what I think it is, I've been so badly treated by all me ex's I'm convinced he's doing the same

I admit when I have had wobbles I have spied on dh's phone. Not to catch him out or because I really suspected him of wrong doing but to help me learn to recognise that any fears I have are my own personal issues, not dh doing anything fishy. I know I have an over active imagination at times, in general. I haven't for years now, after having more confidence in our relationship and more self esteem myself. He would be distraught if he knew I had suffered such concerns. He is a good man but it has taken a long time to believe that - and to believe I am worth him.
Have a good friend tell you all your amazing qualities, and learn to believe it.

YES your gut can be wrong.
Anxiety left unchecked can make up assorts and untruths.
Jealously can kill a relationship.

But there is a lot of predatory type women out there (sadly)
And men's egos can easily kick in to 'knight in shining armour ' mode.

So be mindful but not paranoid.

@Robin2323 @Aprilshowersarecomingsoon thank you both.

I guess I just need to take the risk of trusting until I'm proved wrong.

I've decided to walk away from this, I need someone who doesn't put doubt in my mind.

I'm sure that the right man, doesn't make you question him this much

My ex never trusted me and it killed our relationship. I never so much as flirted or had any interest in anyone else. I changed my behaviour, turned down non couple events etc and still he suspected me. Sometimes the issue is with the paranoid one.