Sleep, baby and DH

[Rolacola12]

I need my sleep.
Ive tried countless methods to ensure both DH and I are getting enough sleep. Shifts/ turn-taking/ me doing everything and sleeping most of the weekend (can't really continue this with a 5 year old as well). Baby has reflux and wakes a lot still- maybe 6 times most nights. He is 9 months old. Some nights are better than others.
I feel like DH is sabotaging my efforts at ensuring enough sleep however. Instead of sleeping when baby is asleep he will stay up watching films then tell me he cant help with baby as he has work the following day and needs to sleep. Sometimes, I will bring the baby into bed with us and he will suddenly become very fidgety and keep waking the baby saying he "can't help it." This morning he had a coughing fit instead but he made no attempt to quieten his coughing at all. Then when I asked him to take over as he had woken him, he said he had to get up for work so couldnt. I'm having to also get up for the school run etc!
Baby only naps for 20 minute spurts during the day so I cant even catch up on sleep!
If it's none of these things he will say he has a pain somewhere in his body keeping him awake and will head down stairs to sleep on the sofa... sometimes I'm up with both kids if DC1 wets the bed etc.
He was never like this with DC1, I don't know what has gotten into him.
He's not only refusing to go to bed earlier to get more sleep but actually keeping me and/or the baby awake at times through fidgeting.
Im becoming so angry because I've told his parents and brother in sheer desperation of help and sleep, hoping they might speak to him, but I've been told that he can't help not going to bed at a reasonable hour and that he can't help during the night either as he has to work and also "well, he needs his evening downtime" when I'm getting absolutely none as I'm in bed by 8.30!
I just keep crying. I've no help or family nearby. Why does DH get to be so inflexible and I have revolve around everything he does? Why are men exempt somehow from being a responsible adult? I would never get away with this, everyone would just tell me to go to bed earlier! Ive had 2 hours sleep since 1am and can't go on like this.
Interestingly, at the weekend DH will regularly be in bed for 9pm. It makes no sense to me, like he is purposely being awkward/ avoiding demands during the week.

Have you said all of this to him?
Exactly as you have put it to us?
Because he's behaving like a selfish cock.
You say you have no family nearby.
Could you go to your family tonight for the weekend for some love and support? Or a friend?
Leave the kids with him if you can.
If you are breastfeeding then take baby and leave 5 YO with your DH.
If he won't engage in a proper conversation with resolutions to the issues then you need to see if he will go to joint counselling with you.
But please consider getting some support around you.
You cannot continue like this.

You need a proper sit down where you compare a typical day in your's and DH's lives and show how you get no 'downtime' and a lot less sleep. Be honest about how it affects you and what your worries are about how it could affect your relationship. If it goes on like this, it'll build your stress and resentment as well as giving him less of a relationship with your DC.

He needs to get that he shares this responsibility and you didn't volunteer to be a downtrodden woman wearing yourself out so he can rest! But you could also try to agree he gets a certain evening off or certain amount of time per evening to relax - and you get the same.

Thankyou for your replies. The more I try to plan and prepare for the evenings, the more he seems to sabotage my efforts. He has said he doesn't like being told to follow a plan or adhere to a schedule.
We have talked SO many times about all of this, I am at my wits end. He has said he doesn't know why he is doing this and that he likes to go to bed late (I did too before kids! 🤔) I've asked him to come up with a way of organising our sleeping time and he says to just wake him during the night and he will help out. So far this week, each time Ive woken him, I've been met with:
"You havent fed her yet" (I had)
"It's your turn"
"Ive got to go to work"
"This is ridiculous"
"What time were you last up then and how long for?"
Having to justify his "turn" every. Single. Time. Then I can't get back to sleep for fear that I've been waking him unreasonably. But I don't see why I shouldn't wake him when he is choosing not to sleep when he can. Why should I be less sleep deprived than I need to be because he can't act responsibly?
I can't stay with family, I'd love for someone to come and help me but they can't.
I am breastfeeding. He wakes for a feed twice each night and each one lasts 45mins-1 hour 😭

*more sleep deprived than I need to be

Need sleep!

Pump a bottles worth every day. DH stays up and does the late feed and all settling until midnight, then you take over. You go to bed as soon as possible, he sleeps in. Write it down. Put a whiteboard on the wall and write handover notes there. If you are not on duty, sleep in a different room to the baby

Seatoski- we did this until DC was 4 months old, but on the occasion that I couldn't pump/DH went out for the evening, I solely breastfed and he fed more than ever! I was utterly exhausted. I've felt SO much better since ditching DH's 11pm bottle feed as I no longer have to rely on him to be home on time/or to be here for the feed at all. My milk supply also adjusted to solely breastfeeding (he must get more from the breast than an expressed bottle).

OP have you looked into the possibility of food intolerances? We didn't know my DC had a food intolerance and sleeping was much better when we dealt with it. You could also look into or ask your dr regarding probiotic drops for babies.

Yes confirmed dairy, soya and egg intolerances. He actually sleeps much better than he used to.

Don’t let this go on OP.

My ex was just like this - never did anything with the babies. Agreed every time I talked to him about it but each time he had an excuse.

I was chronically exhausted for years. Third child didn’t sleep through the night for 3.5 years. I didn’t have a day off in about 8 years.

I wished away most of my children childhood, I didn’t enjoy being with them, everything was such a grind because I was so tired.

Eventually his selfishness and manipulation destroyed all my love for him . I regret I put up with his behaviour for so long and I missed out on my children when they were small. I watch at video clips and I don’t even remember them looking like that

Oh WH1SPERS I really feel for you xx

My DH was the same - fine with the first, shit with the second. It got so bad I was fully ready to divorce him. It was only then that he sorted himself out.

Because he's behaving like a selfish cock

/\ This

He sees the child care as your issue
He see his needs are more important than yours
He doesn't care that his actions impact you

My DC has the same health issues as yours - it is utterly sole destroying and exhausting. As difficult as it is, my DH would NEVER add to my stress like this.

You need get some ultimatums in place and stick to them.

He's taking the piss. I don't know what the answer is but you aren't being unreasonable and he needs to shape up or shove off.

Can you think about introducing formula and you take it in turns feeding the baby at night? I’d even go so far as sleeping downstairs when it’s his turn so you get some sleep. Let him sort your 5yr old too. If you’re on baby duty your on 5yr old duty too. Even if it’s just for 2 week nights and one weekend. That way everyone if he stays up late, then so be it. He just has to deal with it

OP I’m sorry but if you aren’t working (reliant on DP’s income right now) then yes he does need to sleep and function so he can go to work.

Yes you do the childcare and the school runs but nobody is going to ‘fire’ you if you under perform, or fall asleep on the sofa, or have a breakdown mid meeting!

If you’re the one staying at home then I’m sorry but night times are on you. Although yes his lack of effort to help in evenings/mornings would annoy me I don’t think you understand how ridiculous you sound... ‘he had a coughing fit too loudly’ - ‘he fidgeted in bed’ god could you even imagine if he was that critical of you and then told your family/friends how shit of a job he thought you were doing 🤔

I think maybe you need to go to your GP- a 9 month old and a 5 year old are HARD work but lots of people go through it without chastising their DP’s for breathing in the same room as them and the baby!

*or swap roles!

Go back to work OP and let him live your life- see how long that lasts!

MrDarcy give over. Her dh is actively not helping at all. That's incredibly selfish. Ok isn't asking for the earth.

I'd say to him - nights you are at work the next day, I will sort the baby. Nights you aren't at work next day you will sort the baby. His fault if he then chooses to stay up late on his nights.

What total nonsense MrDarcy. Anybody would prefer a night's sleep followed by a day at work to night after night of no sleep. There is no earthly reason why one parent should be severely sleep deprived while the other one never does any night waking.

MrDarcyWillBeMine I would normally agree with you, however the OPs DH is deliberately making the situation worse. He’s waking the dc, refusing to go to bed earlier so he can help out, and waking the op when he doesn’t need to.

I can't believe that women swallow the idea that they have to do all night wakings so the Important Working Men are not disturbed. How little value must you place on yourself to believe that you don't deserve the basic human need of sleep???

He gets up at weekends you get up in the week??

Im mainly the one going to work at the moment, and wake up with our baby every other night as at least I can sit on my arse and browse the Internet at work.... It's much less relentless than looking after a baby... Depends what the job is, it's true but at least in some cases, the parent who goes to work gets the easier day!

I used to agree with MrDarcy, until one day, I was so sleep deprived that I drove for 30 minutes without DC strapped in when in her carseat... if I'd have crashed, she would have just flown out of the car.
That was when I realised that I have the most important job. So unless I an feeding the baby, DH needs to do his share at night.

You need to talk to him again. He can't just be a dad when it suits him.

I'm a sahm. I'm breastfeeding my youngest who's 12 months. Older dd is 3.

I do all night wake ups as I'm bf and bed share. Luckily dd is quite a good sleeper. Only 3-4 quick wake ups. Sometimes awake for a couple of hours. But I can sleep a bit later in the morning. No school to dictate wake up times.

What helps us is that during the week DH sleeps in the spare room. He gets up at 4:30 for work. Driving is dangerous if tired. He will settle the eldest if she wakes. But mostly will shout for me too. Rarely wakes overnight though.

At weekends he gets up with the eldest. And then when baby wakes he'll take her downstairs too for a couple of hours. I'll sleep then which makes a big difference. He kind of gets a lie in as it's 7:30 instead of 4:30.

You need to be a team. This is a period of time you need to get through together.

If DH sleeps with us and snores he gives me the rage!!! Tiredness breeds anger and resentment.

Will your dc sleep with the tv on? Could DH watch tv in the bedroom with dc while you sleep in another room for a few hours at the start of the night?

It's not even a matter of who's doing the more important job - the idea that someone can have a baby and then just refuse to look after it is ridiculous - no woman would ever get away with that.