Sleep, baby and DH

[Rolacola12]

I need my sleep.
Ive tried countless methods to ensure both DH and I are getting enough sleep. Shifts/ turn-taking/ me doing everything and sleeping most of the weekend (can't really continue this with a 5 year old as well). Baby has reflux and wakes a lot still- maybe 6 times most nights. He is 9 months old. Some nights are better than others.
I feel like DH is sabotaging my efforts at ensuring enough sleep however. Instead of sleeping when baby is asleep he will stay up watching films then tell me he cant help with baby as he has work the following day and needs to sleep. Sometimes, I will bring the baby into bed with us and he will suddenly become very fidgety and keep waking the baby saying he "can't help it." This morning he had a coughing fit instead but he made no attempt to quieten his coughing at all. Then when I asked him to take over as he had woken him, he said he had to get up for work so couldnt. I'm having to also get up for the school run etc!
Baby only naps for 20 minute spurts during the day so I cant even catch up on sleep!
If it's none of these things he will say he has a pain somewhere in his body keeping him awake and will head down stairs to sleep on the sofa... sometimes I'm up with both kids if DC1 wets the bed etc.
He was never like this with DC1, I don't know what has gotten into him.
He's not only refusing to go to bed earlier to get more sleep but actually keeping me and/or the baby awake at times through fidgeting.
Im becoming so angry because I've told his parents and brother in sheer desperation of help and sleep, hoping they might speak to him, but I've been told that he can't help not going to bed at a reasonable hour and that he can't help during the night either as he has to work and also "well, he needs his evening downtime" when I'm getting absolutely none as I'm in bed by 8.30!
I just keep crying. I've no help or family nearby. Why does DH get to be so inflexible and I have revolve around everything he does? Why are men exempt somehow from being a responsible adult? I would never get away with this, everyone would just tell me to go to bed earlier! Ive had 2 hours sleep since 1am and can't go on like this.
Interestingly, at the weekend DH will regularly be in bed for 9pm. It makes no sense to me, like he is purposely being awkward/ avoiding demands during the week.

OP you may ‘have the more important’ job 🤔 but I doubt you could live without a wage coming into the home.

I’m not saying that he shouldn’t help, he should! But what I see SO much of on MN is women (at home) complaining that their DH’s don’t spring through the door (after a day at the office) and take over the childcare so they can have some time off.

Both of you need time off but both of you have full home jobs (him outside and you inside of the home).

When I read ‘I bring the baby into our bed then he wakes it up with coughing fits and fidgeting’ ALL I wonder is why do you keep bringing the baby into the bed?
Both of you are getting terrible nights sleep and the baby keeps getting woken up!
Your DH shouldn’t have to be on edge about moving or coughing in his bed! If you’re up with baby - go to the sofa, put a single bed in the nursery- don’t ‘bring the baby into our bed’ then winge about your DH ... being alive in the bed also!

Maybe she couldn’t live without a wage coming into the home.

But he couldn’t live without her looking after his kids.

Cuts both ways.

You don't have children do you MrDarcy? There's a strong twang of naivity in your posts, I can sense you've no children or experience of what you're talking about.

Single bed in nursery- would never fit

Dont bring the baby into bed- it's either that or function on 2 hours sleep a night... I
have other children to take care of during the day. seriously?

Go to the sofa- And stimulate the baby by taking him downstairs, waking him even more keeping him awake even longer.

As for money... I work too. On mat leave at present.

You're puddled to even be commenting when you've no idea.

But what I see SO much of on MN is women (at home) complaining that their DH’s don’t spring through the door (after a day at the office) and take over the childcare so they can have some time off.

At the moment I'm at work and DH is at home with six month old DS. I do indeed 'take over the childcare' as soon as I spring through the door - aka, spend time with my child who I've missed all day. DH did the same when I was on mat leave and he was at work, and I'd have found it very odd if he didn't.

Either looking after a baby is hard work, in which case the person doing it all day needs a break, or it isn't, in which case it's no hardship to do it after a day's work.

Either looking after a baby is hard work, in which case the person doing it all day needs a break, or it isn't, in which case it's no hardship to do it after a day's work

EXACTLY

It's bizarre how women are expected to look after babies 24 hours a day when men can't possibly manage it for a couple of hours

So we are now in seperate beds and I am getting more sleep, but DH is still claiming not to have fallen asleep until 1-2am. He says he is trying, but can't sleep. This means that when I need him to take over around 5.30-6.00am, he is "too tired."

Am I being unfair to tell him it is his responsibility to find methods to help him sleep? I go through periods where I can't sleep myself and use meditation apps and ASMR. He says it's all nonsense and will play on his phone until he "dozes off" I've explained this will be the reason he cant sleep in the first place!

My counsellor says he's extremely irresponsible, but what can I do? I am leaving him to face the consequences of his own behaviour, but there are consequences for us all 😭