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Original poster

DH out with female colleague?!

50 replies

SouthernCali · 25/01/2019 09:31

AIBU? DH is away on a business trip for 7 weeks and plans to take a female colleague to a work related concert tonight?! I’m annoyed. Perhaps it’s just that I’m 2000 miles away, at home, with the kids that it’s bugging me? 😒

OP posts:
RoseOfSharyn · 25/01/2019 09:33

Surely if it is work related they have to be there, or am I missing something?

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2019 09:35

I am not sure of the issue, it's a work event? Confused

Boysandbuses · 25/01/2019 09:35

So he is away for work, with a work colleague, going to a work event?

To be honest even if it was a non work event, this sound pretty normal. He will socialise with colleagues while away.

What's your issue with her?

2019willbegreat · 25/01/2019 09:35

Well at least he is being honest. No biggie in the context - I work away lots and often go out with male colleagues in other country/those who have come out from UK. Do u have any reason not to trust him or are you "jealous" of his fun and it being with a female - which I don't mean in a nasty way - it's understandable when you're the one left with the daily grind.

Puggles123 · 25/01/2019 09:36

Would you be bothered if it was a male colleague? If he is away anyway, would you rather he stay in his hotel room for 7 weeks? Or are you concerned he can’t possibly control himself around a female.

NowYouHaveDoneIt · 25/01/2019 09:36

At least he's told you they are going together. Are they or is 'he taking her to the concert'? There/s a difference. If it's work related then fair enough.

Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 25/01/2019 09:38

I think the loneliness is getting to you. 7 weeks is a long time to be away from your DH especially when you are running the ship alone with children.

Just remind yourself that he loves you and you have a trusting relationship and he's just off out for a night with a friend. He is allowed to blow off steam as much as you are. But I can imagine it's hard when you are so far away from each other for such a long time.

You will be ok OP. Push through and he will be back again before you know it.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 25/01/2019 09:42

I say this as a woman in a male dominated field who sometimes goes on business trips: we generally don't want to shag your husband. On a work trip it's normal to socialise with colleagues and if he's away for 7 weeks (!) he'd have a pretty miserable time just sitting quietly in his hotel room every night. If there's no other reason to distrust him I think you're being a bit silly.

Sorry to bang on but this sort of attitude actively hinders women's careers by suggesting there's something seedy about us socialising with colleagues, and encourages our exclusion from promotions, networking, interesting projects etc.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 25/01/2019 09:42

How is the concert work related?

Original poster
SouthernCali · 25/01/2019 09:54

Thank you for your encouraging messages.

I am unsettled about it mostly as I wish I was there.
His office was offered these tickets, he didn't need to go nor did he need to take this colleague. An anxious voice reminded me that 12+ years ago he was at a work event and 'accidentally' kissed a work colleague while on a similar trip. I know that is ancient history now. He is a good husband & father. I just wish he realised these trips and outings still cause me some anxiety. I do not feel I need to start an argument over this as its probably just my insecurity and jealousy at play. :(

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 25/01/2019 10:03

You: DH I don't want u to go to this concert with colleague. It's bringing up memories and I don't want to go there.

Dh: what would he say?

Bluntness100 · 25/01/2019 10:05

Ok, if he has cheated with a colleague before you need to decide whether you trust him or not, it's not reasonable to expect him to never socialise with female colleagues for the rest of his working life.

The fact it still causes you anxiety twelve years later indicates you don't trust him, and if you don't then why are you still there?

Whisky2014 · 25/01/2019 10:06

Well, hes not going to stay in for 7 weeks!

Original poster
SouthernCali · 25/01/2019 11:17

I trust him. I also am reasonable and appreciate having worked in a traveling role in a corporation myself realise that socialising is part of the package. But these v. long trips are stressful on us. I feel that even with the BEST of intentions and the BEST of marriages (we are lonely) and an ounce of prevention is wise. Group outings, work lunches = fine. As he often takes trips away I have asked that he avoid these two scarios: a.) being alone with a women, in the evening, with alcohol involved and b.) being alone with a woman in a hotel room. He had agreed to this a couple years ago and I have not had any reason to worry. These measures show me he is being careful and considerate while away. I feel these restrictions have been over looked/ forgotten for this concert tonight and although I do not want an argument I want to know that he will not carelessly get himself into a scenario where they are perhaps out late drinking and he has to drop her at her hotel room. "An ounce of prevention."

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 25/01/2019 11:49

Can understand B being a reasonable ask, but not A.

MsDogLady · 25/01/2019 12:38

You have an agreement and he is breaking it. You have every right to mention it.

GemmeFatale · 25/01/2019 12:40

Well he won’t be alone with her at a concert. I do however see the concern. He’s bending the rules you both agreed to. Ask him about it. What do you need from him? If he offers to be designated driver so he doesn’t drink would that help?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 25/01/2019 12:43

I think if you have rules set down about what your DH must and must not do, things are already less than stellar in terms of the health of your relationship.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 25/01/2019 12:48

I'm female and have frequently eaten / gone to events. with male colleagues. I'd be really upset if my husband felt he had to tell me not to be alone with a man in a bedroom - I'd be offended. I am wide enough to work that one out for myself. And if he told me I couldn't be alone with a man at a dinner or event that involved alcohol I'd be packing my bags.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 25/01/2019 12:49

Wise not wide!

Loopytiles · 25/01/2019 12:50

Right, so it’s not a work related event but in his line of work a perk is social things offered for free and this is good for corporate relations with the organisations concerned?

Work travel of this kind does, IMO, increase risks of infidelity. As he has previously cheated it does seem important that he has good “boundaries”. Evening one-to-ones involving booze or enjoying an experience together don’t seem a great plan.

How come he only agreed to the (mainly sensible) boundaries you suggested two years ago, when he’d previously cheated 12 years ago?

starshollow1 · 25/01/2019 12:51

I think you're being incredibly sensible with your agreement for a & b. I say this as someone who frequently travelled abroad for work both alone and with male colleague(s). There was never anything to worry about for my DH but it's good to acknowledge that these trips can be stressful and as you say lonely for both partners.

Given your prior agreement I think I would have to talk to him about it. It's less about trust than about changing agreed boundaries.

Original poster
SouthernCali · 25/01/2019 12:52

@AFistfulofDolores1, I do see your point. But I would argue they are more 'requests' and courtesies rather than 'rules.' Admittedly spending long periods apart for a entertainment career can be a recipe for disaster - rubbing elbows with the flashy and v. attractive on top can add strain. We have managed it fairly well for 22 years and counting. I think partly the success is due to us being honest with requests for example -He finds it easier if he can talk to me & kids 2x a day and would like me to speak positively about him and his trips so the kids stay positive. Equally I have made requests that stop me feeling insecure or suspicious. We have always tried to make things easier on each other. I think we need to revisit this one as we have been "problem-free" for so many years and many of his colleagues on this show are women...

Talking it through here has really helped me organise my thoughts & emotions.

OP posts:
babba2014 · 25/01/2019 13:14

If you don't want him to go due to his past then he should respect that as your husband. It's not about the opportunity being alone. These outings can build up a too close for comfort relationships. Not everyone but perhaps him. Don't be afraid to follow your gut.

Loopytiles · 25/01/2019 13:22

As you say, his role increases risks.

I think his requests of you and the DC sound pretty selfish.

“He finds it easier if he can talk to me & kids 2x a day and would like me to speak positively about him and his trips so the kids stay positive.”

Why should the DC be encouraged to “stay positive”, and you encourge this, rather than being encouraged to express whatever their feelings are about their father’s frequent and lengthy absences for work travel?

Not moaning in front of DC about any negative feelings you have about his travel is one thing. Pressure to be “positive” - not ideal.