DH out with female colleague?!

[SouthernCali]

AIBU? DH is away on a business trip for 7 weeks and plans to take a female colleague to a work related concert tonight?! I’m annoyed. Perhaps it’s just that I’m 2000 miles away, at home, with the kids that it’s bugging me? 😒

You say that the tickets were delivered to the office but he is 'taking the work colleague' surely if the tickets were delivered for the office she is taking herself? o_O

I can understand if you are worried given past events but if your husband is the one dishing out the free tickets to his office its a bit unfair on any female work colleagues if his wife says he can't be at the same event as them.

He asked for one ticket to the event. They gave him two. He then offered the accompanying ticket to his colleague. I have not asked the driving arrangements. I am pretty decided not to question him in any way. I know he’s finding it a bit awkward, because when he told me he sort of held back a bit. It’s a somewhat dressy outing, classical music, a bit formal and one of our favorites to boot! I will wait and see how much info he shares after the fact. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s just say if the two of us went it would be romantic…

Buy yourself a really, really nice present using the joint account - you deserve one if you're home alone with the children for seven weeks and you have this added worry on top of everything else. It will cheer you up.

”We have always tried to make things easier on each other.”

”I just wished he realised these trips and outings still cause me some anxiety.”. I would tell him this.

Cali, he agreed to your request and should honor it at all times. If he wants to make an exception, he should bring it up and discuss it with you in the context of the agreement.

Has he “accidentally” forgotten the agreement? Remind him.

When it comes to the agreements I have with my husband, I do not feel the need to be the cool wife.

Hmm calls twice a day at certain times? 🚩

Cali, I just noticed your update. He sounded awkward and held back while telling you?

This needs to be discussed now, Cali. You are underreacting. It sounds like has a date.

he has

I couldn’t be in a relationship where it was necessary to agree those type of boundaries.

Certainly, in every relationship boundaries are established.

They both have made requests to enable each to feel more comfortable with his long periods away. They both agreed that certain boundaries are fair.

He has form for cheating in these exact circumstances, and so far has respected the boundaries that they agreed upon to restore and retain trust.

Now, he has suddenly crossed the boundary specifically to accompany this female colleague to a concert. He seemed awkward and held back when informing Cali about their plans. He certainly knew that he was blatantly crossing the boundary, but Cali did not call him on it. Cali feels that discussing his unilateral decision to break their agreement would be ‘starting an argument.’

Cali, in my opinion, something is wrong here. Why does he feel entitled to break his promise to you so that he can be with her?

I couldn't be in a relationship where my OH was regularly absent from the family home and parental responsibilities for long periods of time.....and i definitely would not be spinning his absences as something 'positive' to my dc.......

I’m not sure I’d like to know my husband was at a romantic concert, 2000 miles away and with another woman.
I also think this is very unfair of him to ask of you.
I totally get work colleagues meeting for a pint as a group at a pub, or doing a bit of sight seeing to pass the time, but even then I’d rather my DH be home and taking me out.
I say whilst it sounds innocent from his point of view, he must be told this hurts you. Or you have a lifetime of similar to look forward to.

I appreciate all of you that have taken the time to send your thoughts and advice. Our life can be hard with 2-3 months apart each year. But there are also big rewards for working in this industry so we have tried to make it work. When I start to feel really sorry for myself I get a coffee with one of my two military wife friends and have NO idea how they can endure months and months apart and yet remain married.

Only with good communication and trust? I felt those were in jeopardy today so I needed an outside perspective. I used a few phrases of yours that expressed my thoughts perfectly. Are you interested in our exchange today?

ME: I reacted badly to hearing about your night out tonight. The nature of the evening, the music, the dress code - all is in nature somewhat “date-like.” Think if you and I were going it would be really romantic. Do you recall in the past I said I would feel more confident if you not have evenings alone with women, late nights and drinking. Because I think in the circumstance relationships can grow to be “too close for comfort.” I asked for that because that’s what I feel comfortable with. Obviously you no longer feel that that is practical or reasonable. I understand the context seems quite normal for the two of you to go tonight. Then I would hope that you volunteer, without me having to ask, information to demonstrate how it is not “date-like.“ i.e. not riding together, not dining together, not drinking together, not dropping someone off at home or at a hotel, talking ‘work’ rather than talking about relationships… Time apart is tricky enough. And I have no reason to worry but I’m just concerned that I’ve told you what I prefer and you seem to of forgotten.

DH: Only as I was telling you about it, did I realise. I do totally understand. Of course it would be incredible if you and I went together, that was my first thought, are you kidding. We’d make it a special night, go to dinner, dress up. Date night. I was very surprised they offered me the tickets, extremely kind of them. I miss you with a passion and I don’t for a second think or look at women with any desire or interest. I’m so proud of us it doesn’t enter my mind. ‘Sheila’ is a good friend, she is very fond of our family. I know her Dad he works here and her boyfriend of 3 years does too. We respect one another, but nothing nothing beyond that. Back to tonight, we are driving there separate, no time for dinner and certainly won’t be getting a drink after, and ‘Sheila’ doesn’t drink. No ride sharing. I don’t wish to deny anything just reassure you. I could have not told you anything about going, or said I was going alone but I don’t lie to you. And I enjoy sharing with you as you do with me. …I sat a sushi bar alone last night, went home at 8 read my book for an hour, watched a crappy tv show and went to sleep. x Me

Uh-huh. A "work related" concert. I've heard it all now. They'll be having a work related shag later, no doubt. He's got previous, you can't trust him as far as you could throw him. It doesn't matter what you get free tickets for at work, you don't go on a bloody date with a colleague when the wife you have previously cheated on sits worrying at home. My arse did that thought only occur to him a few hours ago. He thought about it, he's doing it anyway, and whatever else he can get away with.

Now that’s what I call good, open communication!

I used to go on work trips abroad and once couldn't have dinner with the more senior man I was travelling with because 'my wife wouldn't like it'. Denied networking opportunities because I was a young woman I hated it. No doubt if I'd been a 27 year old man it would have been fine. Like the pp said, I felt like ringing the man's wife and saying you're bloody welcome to him, I don't want to shag your husband!

Gosh. On a working weekend away once, I went for dinner with a male colleague and we went to the theatre afterwards. There was wine. We didn't shag. Or kiss. Or do anything except be two human beings enjoying an evening. He's still married to his DW and I'm still married to DH.

I think if DH started laying down rules about whether I was permitted evenings like that or not, I'd be a bit . Of course, if you don't trust your DH and he has form for cheating, I guess that's a different issue. But it begs the question, why are you with him if you don't trust him? It must be pretty miserable to have to police his behaviour so closely and to have to lay down rules.

I don't think you have a thing to worry about SouthernCali. He's completely on board. He wants and values you. (&I'm usually a LTB).

i think he is telling you what you want to hear.

Now whether or not Sheila is interested in him is up to her --and the alleged boyfriend of three years

but on the whole i don't think I would be as happy as you seem to be this evening after his"reassurances" considering his previous.

Just to bring the Combe

Blimey.

I have to say if my husband tried to tell me how I could spend my time while away for work, I would not be impressed. I work in a male-dominated environment and often have my lunch with male colleagues, and [gasp] we sometimes go out for coffee or a drink after work. I'm still married and they're still with their partners.

His response to your requests seems...I don't know, very artificial and like he's just telling you what you want to hear. It's full of a lot of platitudes, almost like he's trying to reassure you too much?

I went out for a drink after work with a male colleague this week. We managed not to shag, kiss or do anything inappropriate

SouthernCali, you expressed your thoughts and feelings so effectively. Your husband’s response was very affectionate and reassuring.

It sounds like he now understands that you need him, unprompted, to provide the details necessary for your comfort. It is curious that he didn’t do this initially and sounded so awkward when first telling you. You were wise to assert and remind him of your preferences.

I’m glad that it all worked out!

How’s things now?