Oops, he’s done it again

[nancybelle]

I posted last year in aibu about smoking being a dealbreaker for me and that I discovered my partner of 5 years had been smoking. I gave him an ultimatum at the time that if he started smoking again we would be over and tonight I found a pack of fags in his bag.

At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I want him in my life and we have a generally happy relationship but I detest smoking and don’t want to live or be in a relationship with a smoker. If I go back on the ultimatum it gives him the green light to take the piss.

I haven’t challenged him yet but at the moment I feel I need to follow through the ultimatum even though I don’t want to lose him.

Please give me some perspective. WWYD?

From what you've said you shouldn't have given the ultimatum. You don't want to act on it.
I would tell him what you saw and ask him what he wants to say about it. See if he promises to really try now or just dismisses your feelings.

That's the trouble with ultimatums, if you're not prepared to follow through, then you paint yourself into a corner.

You could pretend you don't know.

I don’t feel able to compromise my values and given that he has managed less than 6 months as a non smoker it’s becoming clear he values smoking more than the life we have built together. That hurts.

He knows your ultimatum is hollow. So do you by the sound of it. You say smoking is a deal-breaker, but it's not really, is it? You don't want to be in a relationship or live with a smoker, and yet you don't want to lose him.

Three things...I wouldn’t be with a smoker, I won’t be lied to and he’ll lie about this, he’ll lie about anything. Do yourself a favour and break up. Life’s hard enough without being with a liar.

"He'll lie about this he'll lie about anything" how in heavens name does that work?

Perhaps he's like me and just enjoys the odd cigarette now and again. No big deal.

If you're willing to throw out a 5 year relationship over this then I feel sorry for him.

It would be a deal breaker for me too OP. In the cold light of day he’s a drug addict. Apparently, more addictive than heroin.

You’ve got to decide if you’re going to bark again or bite.

I’d have to end it

Issuing ultimatums to another adult can be tricky. Sometimes they defy you, then what?

He obviously doesn't smoke around you so doesn't smoke very much, it's his own private little pleasure so, so what?

Why not count them and then check again in a few days to see how many have gone? It could be that he enjoys the occasional cigarette and isn't necessarily a 20 a day habit.

I agree that the lying is shit but why are you so heavily invested in how he treats his lungs? I assume you haven't smelled it on him and you've chanced upon this packet. Is it the money?

Smoking can be an addiction and usually is. With any addiction, it’s incredibly difficult to simply ‘give up’ because someone tells you to.
However, it does also effect you. Financially, health wise, smell, his health, family health. I used to smoke and genuinely thought that as long as I smiled outside it was no where near my children.
The reality is I was very wrong. It was covering my clothes. I couldn’t smell it but now I’ve stopped, I smell it very easily on others. Passive smoking can also contribute to cancer.

Rather than show upset at your dp, just explain that you realise he’s smoking and acknowledge that it must be hard to give up. Maybe suggest you both give something up, ie chocolate and smoking do you can support each other.
I know some people who try and cut out biscuits or chocolate and find it incredibly difficult.

I know you eating chocolate doesn’t necessarily impact on others or cost a ridiculous amount of money, but it shows support and a united front.

Just got the record, I tried loads of smoking products to give up. The only one which works for me and tastes great are the mint lozenges. Boots do their own brand, or nicorette. Just a warning though, the first munt you suck makes your throat feel weird, but after the first one, it doesnt happen.
My dh gave me space to give up which just made me feel guilty (it really worked) If he’s told me off, I would have just felt resentful.

A drug addict...oh fuck off! Get over yourself. If he smoked before you got together then you have no right to tell him not to continue it, you aren't his keeper! So many holier than thou people about smokers...I expect you all enjoy a glass or two of the alcoholic stuff, feeding your face full of chocolate and being over weight. But being fat is obviously more socially acceptable!
If you generally don't like smoking and can't abide bring with him if he continues, then you need to leave. You can't make an ultimatum and then complain. Stop trying to control him.
For the record, I don't smoke (never have done!)

*genuinely, not generally

Agree with Tiredismymiddlename85

Perfectly put Tiredismymiddlename

Your ultimatum was a bit daft then wasn't it. If the only way you know he's smoking is by finding a packet of fags in his bag he can't be smoking much - I hate the smell of cigarette smoke and the way it gets into clothes, hair etc., so if you can't smell smoke on him he's not on 20 a day - unless he gets naked for every smoke then has a shower straight after!

Maybe you could try being more supportive and find out if he actually a) is smoking, b) wants to quit.

Oh, and stop treating him like a naughty child.

If your happy in your relationship otherwise you would be silly to split over this.
Why not talk to him rationally about this. People who smoke are often addicted it's not as simple as giving up.

Giving him an ultimatum was a bad idea, but it's done now. Quitting smoking is difficult, very few people manage to entirely quit smoking the very first time they try to stop. Finding a packet of cigarettes in his bag doesn't necessarily mean he's a full time smoker again or that he values cigarettes more than you. Giving him the ultimatum meant he couldn't tell you about smoking without fearing you will leave him. Talk to him about how him smoking makes you feel and how being lied to makes you feel. Don't give him ultimatums, don't tell him off, don't tell him what to do. If you strongly dislike him smoking, ask him to try stopping again. He respected you enough before to try and chances are he'll try again. If he slips up, be supportive, don't berate him. He is your partner, not your child.

Stopping smoking is very difficult. I tried many ways, many times.
Successfully stopped now for years. Went from 9 stones to 13 and a half My daughter said I was a monster to live with
What has kept me completely off the cigarettes was a night out. Hadn't a cigarette for ages, after a few drinks had asked a friend for one. Couple of puffs and I felt really unwell - blood pressure must have plummeted, felt dizzy, nauseous and faint. Never touched one since.
I don't believe he values the smoking over your relationship.
Hope things work out.
Footnote - it was an ordinary cigarette!

Tiredismymiddlename85
I have to agree! You can tell him that you don't like it. You can ask him to not smoke around you and to wash his hands, have a mint, whatever, after but you can't ban him from smoking!

@jessstan2
He obviously doesn't smoke around you so doesn't smoke very much, it's his own private little pleasure so, so what?

Are you fucking kidding me? People who smoke a lot (say more than 20 a day) stink of tobacco. It's repulsive. I would never ever date a smoker.

Op has dated a smoker for five years. It's been her shifting the goal posts.

A drug addict 😂 nobody’s perfect OP his weakness is fags nobody wants to smoke really but stopping is incredibly hard.

Tbh I think you’re being very controlling and unsympathetic but it’s your prerogative to end it.

In the cold light of day he’s a drug addict

Do you usually have a tendency to use overly dramatic language?

Thanks for all the views. We met through OLD and my filters were set so I would only see non smokers so I didn’t realise he stated he was quitting. He said he gave up after our first dates and has never smoked in front of me. My understanding was that he was a non smoker throughout our relationship.

He started smoking a year ago and when I found out I told him it was me or the fags and he went on champix and gave up. Again, until yesterday I didn’t know he had started again. It disgusts me and is my number one turn off. I find it a very unattractive habit and don’t want to kiss or have sex with him.

He works nights and I work days so he potentially only smokes at work which is why I don’t smell it. His head is shaved so there’s nothing for the smell to cling to once he has showered.

Thanks for the different views. I am going to hold off doing anything this weekend and make sure I have my rational head on. Today I am still wanting to throw him out and he can fuck off and smoke somewhere else.