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Original poster

Oops, he’s done it again

43 replies

nancybelle · 24/01/2019 22:21

I posted last year in aibu about smoking being a dealbreaker for me and that I discovered my partner of 5 years had been smoking. I gave him an ultimatum at the time that if he started smoking again we would be over and tonight I found a pack of fags in his bag.

At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I want him in my life and we have a generally happy relationship but I detest smoking and don’t want to live or be in a relationship with a smoker. If I go back on the ultimatum it gives him the green light to take the piss.

I haven’t challenged him yet but at the moment I feel I need to follow through the ultimatum even though I don’t want to lose him.

Please give me some perspective. WWYD?

OP posts:

KittyDee · 25/01/2019 20:42

Speaking as a light smoker, who has given up on and off smoking is incredibly hard to give up completely.I know it is way more difficult for a heavy smoker . You use smoking as a crutch - it stimulates and relaxes and doesn’t intoxicate so it is very hard to feel it is bad for you in the moment even though you know it is(alcohol has the advantage of giving you a hangover which is a big incentive to not get drunk).

As long as he is not smoking in your house I think you should cut him some slack. Support him to give up if needed but don’t issue ultimatums.

RivanQueen · 25/01/2019 20:48

It's proven that successfully quitting smoking is harder than quitting heroin, that's how addictive it is. It can take quite a few attempts to give it up for good and people can go quite long periods (months) without a ciggy and take it back up again. I'm an ex-smoker, I quit 6 times before kicking the habit. At one point I hadn't had a smoke for almost a year then had 1 and took it back up again. It took getting pregnant to give it away. I've never known a smoker to quit because someone told them they had to, it's something you have to do off your own back.
If your relationship is good aside from this then suggest you takn to your DP, tell him you found the smokes and hoe you feel about it. Are you willing to support him while he goes through quitting (if he agrees to give it another go)? Or is this something you can't support him through?

PleaseJustSayNo · 25/01/2019 20:49

Oh wow, you hate it because it's disgusting, I assume because of the taste/smell (confirmed by you not wanting to kiss or have sex with him) yet you didn't even know!!

I think you need to get over yourself a bit, had you not found the packet you'd have carried on having sex non the wiser. This changes nothing, it doesn't affect you in any way by the sound of it

Raspberry88 · 25/01/2019 20:58

Yeah, why is it an issue if you can't smell or taste it?

TokenGinger · 25/01/2019 21:38

I dislike smoking. My partner dislikes unhealthy foods - chocolates, cakes.

He occasionally smokes. I occasionally have cake.

He tries his best to cut out his smoking but a stressful day can see him reaching for the cigarettes. The same with me with chocolate.

If it's a dealbreaker, then leave him, but be clear that the problem is with you, not with him.

We all have vices and unhealthy habits. If you can't tolerate his, then he's better off without somebody who'd leave him for something he's struggling to battle.

VanGoghsDog · 25/01/2019 21:55

I wouldn’t be with a smoker, I won’t be lied to and he’ll lie about this, he’ll lie about anything.

^ this.

It was a deal breaker for me. Now-ex had been a casual smoker before he met me, but when we met he described himself as a non-smoker (and said the same on his life insurance application). It's a deal breaker for sure, I loathe it, I was brought up in a family full of smokers and I cannot bear it.

Then I'd realise he had smoked, because I could smell it - he (weirdly) always claimed I couldn't, except he always admitted he had when I asked, so....obviously I could smell it (gaslighting?). Sometimes even a couple of days later (he had a beard, it got trapped in there).

He took a lot of mickey out of people who smoked, who didn't give up, always telling everyone how easy he had found it to stop, how stupid it was etc etc.

I told him - I can't be with a smoker. He smoked with a specific couple of mates who thought it was hilarious that I didn't like it. He lied about it. He also, it later transpired, lied about a lot of things.

It was among a lot of reasons I left him, but it was most definitely in there.

moredoll · 25/01/2019 21:59

It's really really hard to stop smoking. Buy him a vape. Not one of the hardcore ones, just a rechargeable e-pen.

VanGoghsDog · 25/01/2019 22:00

I dislike smoking. My partner dislikes unhealthy foods - chocolates, cakes.

He occasionally smokes. I occasionally have cake.

Yeah, the way the smell of cake clings to your clothes must be a real turn off for him, eh?

C0untDucku1a · 25/01/2019 22:02

He lied. Thats enough not to pursue a relationship.

VanGoghsDog · 25/01/2019 22:03

Buy him a vape.

If he respected the OP and wanted to be with her, he'd buy his own fucking 'vape'. She's not his mother.

moredoll · 25/01/2019 23:24

She's not his mother.

But she is the one who's bothered by the smoking.

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 26/01/2019 04:13

She's not his mother.

No but she's acting like it telling him not to smoke and everyone encouraging her to 'search' his bags! Jeez the poor man deserves to at least be spoken to like he's an adult rather than a 14 year old boy!

VanGoghsDog · 26/01/2019 08:25

She's not telling him not to smoke. She's telling him that if he does, she doesn't want to be with him.

Plus, he's lying about it which shows he has no respect for her.

greyspottedgoose · 26/01/2019 08:29

If you can't tell he has been doing it then it can't affect you that much, I wouldn't want to be with someone who tried to control me and tell me what I can and can't do

Bouledeneige · 26/01/2019 08:35

Depends if you love him or not. And if you are able to forgive.

I hate smoking (as an ex-smoker myself) but I know how hard some people find it to give up. And some people only have the occasional cigarette. If you go looking in someone's bag you have to be careful what you'll find.

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 26/01/2019 09:13

She's telling him that if he does, she doesn't want to be with him.

But she's not because she's moaning about her ultimatum. You shouldn't make them if you're not willing to see it through.

Knittink · 26/01/2019 09:19

YANBU. It would be a total deal breaker for me too, OP. No way would I be in a relationship with a smoker.

Littleraindrop15 · 26/01/2019 10:28

Your being a bit ott op!

The only reason you know he smokes is because of a packet you found so until then he hasn't smelt of it nor has it changed your life in any way. Now that you have found the packet it's like O0o0o0o don't want to sleep with you anymore don't want to kiss you.

Do him a favour and chuck him out your being controlling! Think he will be a lot happier with out a second mum going through his things and treating him like a child.

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