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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"Naughty" emails on DHs phone

30 replies

NameChange098 · 24/01/2019 12:31

Regular poster but have NC'd for this.

DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 6 months. Lost a baby 18 months ago, lost another 2 months ago. No successful babies in between.

Our sex life is non-existent. It's very clear that he's not attracted to me. I've basically accepted this however we have been ttc and it's really frustrating that we've got married, both want a child, but he's refusing to have sex with me.

He maintains that he does find me attractive, that he loves me, there's no-one else. I have caught him watching porn once in the 4 years we've been together and was upset because it was over the time when I was in hospital miscarrying.

I broke down to my DM this morning, sobbing on the phone, and told her how much my self-esteem has gone and I just don't know what to do.

I've since done something really, really stupid. I went on his iPad and looked through his history - there's absolutely nothing on there at all, which I find strange because he has tabs open and is on it quite a lot. I also looked through his emails and he forwarded dirty pictures to his own email address and marked it as junk, only 10 days ago. He works in tech so will know full well how to delete and hide things.

I'm so angry with myself for snooping but now that I've snooped, I can't unsee. We're supposed to be going away together this weekend but the thought of having a "nice weekend" is making me feel sick. I don't know how to confront him and what to do. I think our relationship is over, as I clearly can't measure up to pornstars, and the thought of my DH not wanting to touch me but happily looking at that just doesn't sit right to me.

What the hell do I do?!!

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChange098 · 24/01/2019 12:32

I meant to add, this has been going on for over 2 years now....

OP posts:

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 12:36

Presumably your husband can't measure up to pornstars either?
what I mean is if you have reason to feel threatened because there are women who are more attractive than you then the same will apply to your husband
Would he be angry if he caught you drooling over some hot young stud?

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 12:37

why do you want to have a child with him if things are this bad between you?

Couchpotato3 · 24/01/2019 12:39

I'm sorry for your losses.

Do you really want to keep TTC with this man? Forget the iPad and the snooping, that's just a detail that confirms your instincts about the situation. You say your self-esteem has gone and you are obviously unhappy. This relationship has run its course. You don't need to 'measure up' to pornstars. You need to get out of this relationship.

Original poster

NameChange098 · 24/01/2019 12:43

Everything else is great between us, we just don't have a sex life at all.
We've had sex maybe 4 or 5 times in the past 2 years. Sex isn't particularly important to me so a non-issue, except when we want to ttc.

I want to have a family with him because he's otherwise a great husband and will be a great father. He just clearly has no attraction towards me.

I just don't even know how to begin to confront him about this.

OP posts:

Littlejayx · 24/01/2019 12:47

Is the lack of sex a non issue to your husband?

Unbelievable18 · 24/01/2019 12:47

Don't have a child with this man and don't stay with him. Why? It is obvious that your self esteem will continue to suffer, whether sex is important to you or not. If you bring a child into this, it will be so much harder to leave, and do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling crap about yourself?

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 12:50

Using porn as a masturbatory aid is just a quick way to satisfy your sexual urges, refusing to have sex with you, well isn't that just sending the message that he doesn't want to conceive a child with you?

Adora10 · 24/01/2019 12:55

How can you expect to have children never mind a relationship with a man that refuses to have sex with you; what his his reason, this is crazy OP, there is no relationship to save here.

I am sorry for your losses.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 24/01/2019 13:00

Have you had any therapy regarding your losses. In no way excusing his behaviour but maybe he is scared to have sex incase you do get pregnant and miscarry again. Maybe he feels like he is failing you /your relationship by not giving you a child.
Wank fodder is a means to an end not a loving relationship. If the rest of your relationship is OK he is missing out on sex +the emotional side too. Maybe he can't deal with emotions right now. Men don't deal with loss in the same way as us. Ime anyway.

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 13:07

You must both be under an enormous amount of stress after two miscarriages

Pinkmonkeybird · 24/01/2019 13:08

I'd suggest you go to relationship counselling together. You've both been through things TTC and losing babies which will affect you and your H individually. He's probably associating sex with you as TTC only and you've both lost your way. Don't tell him about the snooping, but I'd just come clean with him and say you are feeling unwanted sexually and emotionally, and see what he says. But go and get some counselling either way.

Original poster

NameChange098 · 24/01/2019 13:15

This is all really helpful, thank you. I've suggested we go to counselling in the past but he doesn't think there are any issues at all.

I completely agree that men don't deal with loss in the same way @aprilshowers, and that maybe part of that.

This started before we even started ttc, the first mc was a very happy surprise.

It's interesting that most people seem to agree there's no relationship I can save. I do think I know this deep down.

OP posts:

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 13:16

Is he a good decent person?
do you think he's able to be open and honest and real with you?

Original poster

NameChange098 · 24/01/2019 13:18

@wordthe
Yes, I think he is.
I think he is able to be open and honest with me...

OP posts:

Calvinsmam · 24/01/2019 13:21

I think it must be crushing for you to feel that your husband is not attracted to you.

My husbands sex drive went when he started taking anti depressants and it was really awful for my self esteem. Even though logically I knew why it was and he is very affectionate and said with his words that he fancied me it really tore me up.

Is there a reason for his lack of sex drive towards you or is it a permanent thing?

thisusernameisrubbish · 24/01/2019 13:26

So what happens when you finally get pregnant by him and he ignores you and goes back to his porn. Trust me, as someone who had kids, if you feel crappy about yourself now you won't be feeling better when you have a post baby body. Your hormones will be all over the place too, and if he's not showing you that he adores you now do you think he's going to make you feel better then?
Team that with a screaming baby that doesn't sleep through the night.

I think you should cut your losses and walk. I don't think you need to confront him about what you found on his ipad, you were just looking for more confirmation of what you already know. Like someone else said, he has probably related sex to TTC or maybe yes he has just fallen out of love with you physically - This is what happened with me and my ex and I just couldn't have sex with him any more. Sadly, it happens. There has been a lot of stress in your lives over the years and maybe it's time to walk away.

He may be a good husband and potential father, but the man you have described here isn't that great if he doesn't make you feel wanted.

Whothere · 24/01/2019 13:28

So many threads where the man has no sex drive.

Passing4Human · 24/01/2019 13:29

Thing is on the one hand you're saying, "Sex isn't particularly important to me so a non-issue" and on the other you're saying that the lack of it is contributing to your self-esteem being through the floor. You're saying that "everything else is great between us", but it doesn't sound like it is - not if you're feeling so low as you've described. I don't think that - even if you both had low sex drives (of course no idea whether your husband does or doesn't) feeling that your husband is not attracted to you is no way to live. What's the point? Just to have kids and nothing else?

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 13:31

So you believe him to be a decent good person etc but you say you don't know how to confront him, which suggests that you are unsure of how he will react or you think he might react badly
does it have to be a confrontation?
what are you afraid will happen ?

HJWT · 24/01/2019 13:31

I you sure he's not attracted to you ?? my DH would be very frustrated if the only time I wanted sex was to TTC

Wordthe · 24/01/2019 13:34

I don't carr about my partner looking at hot young women because I can look a hot young men if I so desire
I know that he can't pull hot young women, and he knows I can't pull hot young men

CornishMaid1 · 24/01/2019 13:35

I'm not quite sure from your OP whether the dirty pictures are of another woman (so affair potential) or are porn pictures.

If they are porn, that is not unusual and not as much something to worry about as if it they were 'homemade'.

If this all started around 2 years ago, would that tally with when you first fell pregnant? If may not be his lack of sex drive is related to him not being attracted to you. It may be at that point you changed in his mind to this mother figure. It may be then with the losses he has not known how to deal with it and somewhere in his head, not having sex means you can't get pregnant and can't risk another loss.

If you only got married 6 months ago and this started 2 years ago, then he obviously still loves and cares about you enough to want to spend his life with you.

I know it is hard, but you need to speak to him about it and tell him how you feel. Hopefully he will open up about it.

Original poster

NameChange098 · 24/01/2019 14:21

Thank you all so much.
I definitely don't think he associates sex with ttc as I've instigated it so many times, not just around Ov, and he calls me a, "creep" or just fobs me off.
This started before I fell pg the first time.

The comment about seeing me as a mother figure is interesting.
That's really plausible.

I have put on weight since we've been together, maybe half a stone at most, but I'm still only a size 6/8, I have nice skin and teeth. I'm still in my twenties, so if he doesn't find me attractive now then it bodes awfully for the future.

@CornishMaid1 they're porn pics/videos, which to some people is acceptable and fine, but to me is not ok and he knows that, and I thought he felt the same.

@wordthe I don't want to look at hot young men, genuinely.

OP posts:

Whothere · 24/01/2019 14:33

Do you feel he was attracted to you when you first met or has he always had a low sex drive?

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