"Naughty" emails on DHs phone

[NameChange098]

Regular poster but have NC'd for this.

DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 6 months. Lost a baby 18 months ago, lost another 2 months ago. No successful babies in between.

Our sex life is non-existent. It's very clear that he's not attracted to me. I've basically accepted this however we have been ttc and it's really frustrating that we've got married, both want a child, but he's refusing to have sex with me.

He maintains that he does find me attractive, that he loves me, there's no-one else. I have caught him watching porn once in the 4 years we've been together and was upset because it was over the time when I was in hospital miscarrying.

I broke down to my DM this morning, sobbing on the phone, and told her how much my self-esteem has gone and I just don't know what to do.

I've since done something really, really stupid. I went on his iPad and looked through his history - there's absolutely nothing on there at all, which I find strange because he has tabs open and is on it quite a lot. I also looked through his emails and he forwarded dirty pictures to his own email address and marked it as junk, only 10 days ago. He works in tech so will know full well how to delete and hide things.

I'm so angry with myself for snooping but now that I've snooped, I can't unsee. We're supposed to be going away together this weekend but the thought of having a "nice weekend" is making me feel sick. I don't know how to confront him and what to do. I think our relationship is over, as I clearly can't measure up to pornstars, and the thought of my DH not wanting to touch me but happily looking at that just doesn't sit right to me.

What the hell do I do?!!

Don't waste your life trying to make this work. Honestly.

Have a frank discussion with him about everything-sex, whether he wants a life with you, what he sees as your future and what you see as your future. Don't be afraid to say it's not ok, that your ideas and visions for the future don't match.

A relationship should spark joy-even in dark times you should be able to see the joy that your partnership can and does bring to you both.

Imagine your future life-and work towards making that happen, whatever you have to do to get there.

You know what you need to do.

You were daft to go through with the marriage only 6 months ago when this has been going on for over 2 years, but what’s done is done and you can’t go back. What you can do is divorce him and make a much better life for yourself.

But he says he is attracted to you. Only he knows why he doesn't want sex.

There could be many reasons he's not interested. Low testosterone, impact of the miscarriages on him, depression, other MH disorders like ADHD etc etc. It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. That's low self esteem talking if you ask me.

I would ask him about the photos, it's odd to send yourself porn. Why wouldn't he just look at a website? Unless he's been speaking to a real person who has sent him these photos?

Ask him how he is feeling and why he's less interested in sex. See if he will go to couples counselling perhaps, or if he suspects it could be medical - a visit to the GP.

The porn on the phone is a separate issue in my view and depends on exactly what you found as to what course of action I would take if I was in your shoes.

If I was you, I would have a calm but open and honest discussion with him. Let him know exactly how low your self esteem is and what you came across on the iPad.

For me porn is a big no no, it is disrespectful to you and as like you I'am at an all time low with my self confidence. I have had 8 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. Not long after the ectopic I found my husband became very secretive and started to take his phone everywhere with him. I mean everywhere!. I was already feeling like a complete failure and an inadequate women for my miscarriages, but I was right to be suspicious. I found that a so called friend of ours was sending my husband videos of naked women and sending him messages about using Tinder to hook up with women for snogs in the back of the car! My confidence has never recovered but I did have an open and frank conversation with him. He blocked this so called friend of ours, who kept sending him the porn dispite my husband asking him to stop sending it to him.

You may also benefit from having a open and honest conversation with your partner. Otherwise it will just eat away at you. Good Luck

You say he is a good husband, but yet he does this:

”...I’ve instigated it so many times, not just around Ov, and he calls me a ‘creep’ or just fobs me off.”

A good husband would not humiliate you by calling you a creep when you suggest intimacy.

It sounds like he may be using masturbation as a replacement for sex with you.