Power dynamics

[Sensitive1985]

Hi everyone,

My partner told me that he feels I have ALL the power in the relationship and that he has lost himself and the power that he wants. I am doing some reflecting on this and looking at why he feels that way and why things are the way they are...

The examples he gave were that he feels that I decide what we do, what we eat and when we have sex. This isn't necessarily my view of the relationship, but it is how he feels so I want to respect that and take it seriously.

I am interested to know what other couples' power dynamics are and how you negotiated this.

Also, has anyone else been told this and how did you handle it?

Thank you and warm wishes to everyone.

I also "decide" when we have sex- he is always ready. Im not.

In an ideal relationship, there really shouldn't be noticable power on either side. If you think his concerns are legitimate and you are being unduly dominant then you really need to try and sort that. However, also consider the possibility that your relationship is currently actually quite balanced and he is pitching for control because that is not on.

Together dh and I decide what we do, this is because dh and I both contribute ideas of things to do. Does your dh suggest things to do and you shout them down Willy nilly? Or are his suggestions impractical, or does he make no suggestions?

I generally decide what we eat because I menu you plan and do about 5/7s of the cooking. Dh dors shopping and does contribute ideas. Ehat does your dh contribute to process?

Like Labyrinth47 I decide when we have sex because dh is always up for it. If this is the issue then he needs to think about what he is expecting.

"This isn't necessarily my view of the relationship." Have you asked him to explain how he gets to the conclusions he gets to?

Labyrinth
Yes, likewise, mine is also ready to go most of the time (apart form when he is not...)

TooTrueToBeGood
Thanks for your thoughts. Our therapist actually noticed that the power was more so with him and he dominates the relationship. But he does not experience it that way. So I'm trying to figure out what is happening there. So you make a valid point. I work full-time and he runs a business mostly form home. I do all the domestic side of things and plan social outings etc, which I believed was how he wanted things so he could focus on work and I wold do all the domestics/home side of things. I know he feels that in the evening its always my choice of TV programme. So perhaps I can give him the remote a bit more and please myself in some other way.

Italiangreyhound
That sounds like you have a great dynamic working for you.
He doesn't suggest things; only very rarely when he wants to see one of his comic book movies, or similar. The most important thing in his life is his work and he focuses on that the majority of the time. So I have taken care of the other household and social stuff. So I was surprised that he raised it as a concern.
My partner doesn't do the shopping or cooking; I do all this. He contributes financially though and sometimes will join me in the kitchen to chop a pepper if he's not too busy working. :-)

I didn't probe too much more as he was quite wound up when he said it. So I am going slowly and gently try to understand more and explore with him, of you see what I mean.

I decide what we do - easily rectified. He can book and make plans to do things with you. Why doesn't he? You can decide one week and he can decide the next week.

what we eat - again, easily rectified. You do one week each. You shop, plan and cook one week and he does the next week.

when we have sex - this one is not so easy. You will need to sit down and discuss this one and find a happy compromise.

I would suggest you get some joint/couples counselling.
This may help him air what is really wrong with your relationship.

Cross post - I see you are having therapy.
I think he's probably quite controlling.
And you need to split things more.
Why are you doing everything?
He needs to do 50% of house hold chores.
You are not his mum.

He is a grown up and needs to do his fair share.
So sit down and draw up a rota together.

Do you have DC?

Thanks for your thoughts. Our therapist actually noticed that the power was more so with him and he dominates the relationship. But he does not experience it that way. So I'm trying to figure out what is happening there.

SO a professional with in-depth knowledge of your realtionship thinks he's dominant? What he thinks doesn't trump that. If anything, the fact that he is pushing for more "power" rings alarm bells that he is controlling.

Going back to your OP: ".....he has lost himself and the power that he wants". If that's a fair reflection of how he worded it, that would concern me and support my worry that he is a controller. A decent person shouldn't be conciously looking to have power in their relationship.

"I work full-time and he runs a business mostly form home. I do all the domestic side of things and plan social outings etc, which I believed was how he wanted things so he could focus on work and I wold do all the domestics/home side of things. I know he feels that in the evening its always my choice of TV programme. So perhaps I can give him the remote a bit more and please myself in some other way."

That doesn't seem fair at all.

Do you have kids? Do you want kids?

Sounds like you make a massive contribution of working and doing all the home stuff, cooking, cleaning, shopping and planning a social life, he does a tiny bit of helping and then resents the fact he can't have sex whenever he wants and he cannot choose what's on the TV all the time.

By all means give him the TV remote often but what are you getting out of the marriage? Is he making you happy?

As far as sex goes, if you don't want to have sex you need to think whether having sex when you don't to is worth it to keep your marriage afloat.

hellsbellmellons
Thank you for your reply. We are already in counselling together right now and I agree our next session will e a good opportunity to talk about this. Although the therapist view it differently from what he knows of us so far. So hearing a bit more form him will help I think.

He doesn't have much bandwidth to plan or arrange things so I have generally arranged date night and seeing mutual friends etc. He will almost always cover things financially, as he likes looking after people in this way.

Likewise, he works all the time and doesn't like cooking - he very much appreciates being looked after in that sense. I love cooking and looking after people, so that worked well for us. But it seems maybe I have taken too much of the role on and he now feels he has no input? I will try and engage more on the menus I prepare etc, whilst also being sensitive to his work.

In terms of sex, I would love him to instigate it more as it mostly me right now. I wish he would seduce like he used to, so so well (I have shared this a number of times). Now he grabs a boob (or more) when I'm relaxing and I tend to feel a bit violated and turned off. Definitely an area to explore and discuss more; you're right.

TooTrueToBeGood
Control is very important to him. He would admit tat. But he has also reported to me that he feels I am a controlling partner - particularly when I get emotional. Ge feels I manipulate him and this infringes on his control. I don't mean that in a nasty way, I ma trying to say that it is very challenging or him to be out of control, And there are some very good explanations as to why, which I will not wrote about here.

Italiangreyhound
We don't have children, no. But yes I would love to start a family but he is not ready or trusting enough that our relationship will work just yet. He says he needs to experience more consistent happy times.
He does make me happy and I love him very very much.

The more you reveal the more concerned I get about how healthy this relationship really is. Sorry, but that's how I see it. I actually think the best thing you could do if it's an option is have some counselling on your own.

Control is very important to him. He would admit tat. But he has also reported to me that he feels I am a controlling partner - particularly when I get emotional. Ge feels I manipulate him and this infringes on his control.

That reads to me like you are not controlling, he just can't handle it when you occassionally push back on his controlling behaviour and try and assert yourself. It seems to me that he is determined that you are to be the little woman who does all the menial shit and he has complete control over what he deems to be important. That's not a recipe for life-long happiness for you.

If he is the boss at work, he is used to having 100% of the power.

Some men believe that they should also be the boss at home. So if he only has 75% of the power at home, he will feel short changed. Whereas you will feel that he is is charge most of the time.

So it’s relative to your individual expectations.

Like other posters, I’m concerned that his focus is on controlling you.

Eg it’s very normal for the person who does all the shopping and cooking to also choose the meals. I expect you only cook things you both like.

If he wants to control the menus, he should take over that task. Or choose certain nights to cook and then he can have it all his way. He can easily pick up the food items he needs at lunchtime.

If he expects to decide on all the meals and how they are cooked, he is confusing your home with a restaurant .

Or he is confusing your with a housekeeper .

Same with sex. It’s not that you CONTROL when you have sex. You have sex when you want it and so does he, you are equal. You don’t make him have sex when he doesn’t want to and I hope neither does he.

The fact that he wants it more than you doesn’t mean you control HIM. He has other options.

It’s also a really strange way to look at a relationship. Which is supposed to be about love and respect, meeting the other person’s needs and wanting the best for them.

I might want to go out running with my friend 3 times a week and she only has time to go once. She doesn’t control my running. She is not a controlling person. She doesn’t have all the power in our relationship. I’ve not lost myself and the power that I want.

Doesn’t it sounds odd when I say things like that ?

Wouldn’t it be more normal to say/ think

“ I enjoy running with Emma, we have fun and she encourages me to improve my speed. But she can only manage once a week because of her work / kids. I really appreciate that she makes time for me in her busy schedule, I value her friendship. I pleased for her that she has great kids and a job that she loves”.

"But it seems maybe I have taken too much of the role on and he now feels he has no input" if the input he wants is actually doing stuff, I'd say bring it on. If he just wants to tell you what to do then I'd have some doubts.

Are you married? Any plans to marry? You talk about "He will almost always cover things financially, as he likes looking after people in this way."

So he sees the money he earns as the money he has? Do you own your property together or only one of you owns it, or is it rented? You do not need to answer but if, for example, you own it together or he owns it then you are doing all the donkey work around the house which enables him to build his business. If you split up, will he walk off with the business and money/home etc when you have very little show for all the cooking, cleaning etc?

"he very much appreciates being looked after in that sense." Does he? My husband loves me cooking (I am a crap cook) but I think he likes it because he doesn't like cooking much. But then he is not complaining about me taking over.

We don't have children, no. But yes I would love to start a family but he is not ready or trusting enough that our relationship will work just yet. He says he needs to experience more consistent happy times.

That's emotional blackmail. He knows you want kids but he won't agree to it until you make him happy? Eurgh! Why is it all on you to fit in with what he wants? Relationships are about compromise and mutual respect, not about who's the master and who's servant.

After your updates OP... all I can say is...
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Do not have kids with this controlling ass!

"He does make me happy and I love him very very much."

I am glad to hear that. Can I ask how old you are? And how long together and whether you plan to marry.

I agree with TooTrueToBeGood. It seems very much like he has all the control, you are waiting until he is ready to have kids. If you are in your thirties this may make it harder to conceive. So your future family is on his terms. Does he even acknowledge this?

Maybe my dh was similar, hard to tell but here's our situation... We dated for a few years, married in our mid thirties, waited a year before trying and ended up needing fertility treatment.

As you are initiating sex I cannot see how he thinks you have all the control since he could refuse sex -does he, sounds like he does?

"Now he grabs a boob (or more) when I'm relaxing and I tend to feel a bit violated and turned off. Definitely an area to explore and discuss more; you're right."

It's sad you feel a bit violated, I think you do need to explore all this. DH and I don't do a lot of wooing in the sex stakes, we have kids and when we do find time to do it we just get on with it. It seems like you and your partner have some different ideas around sex etc and you need to iron these out.

May I ask how long you have been together?

"Control is very important to him" Everything you say makes me think he is the controlling one. So he struggles with you being emotional? That sounds controlling. He doesn't need to respond to all your emotions.

I am mega emotional and my dh is not, I am extrovert and he is introvert. If you know Mires Briggs, he is I and T (introvert and thinker) to my E and F (Extrovert and Feeling). But over the years we have worked it out. I do try not to cry in front of him all the time. But sometimes I do need to and he doesn't need to do anything major, because me getting the emotional stuff out is part of me.

So I guess I am saying that it is possible for people to be very different personalities and still get on.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed.

However, from all you have said it sounds very shakey to me. He is controlling but claiming you are. Look up gaslighting. You say you are very happy but you are doing all the work in the home, and working, he is not satisfying you sexually and not fulfilling what you want from family life. Yet he is complaining you have all the control.

You do not seem to have much control at all.

By the way, I am sorry for all my typos that I make. I am dyslexic and struggle to spot them sometimes.

TooTrueToBeGood
Thanks for the further reply. I do have therapy on my own as well. I have made myself very resourceful in that sense and have a lot of help and support just for me. Thank you for the concern though.

You are correct that me pushing back in terms of my standards / boundaries is difficult and seems to be a trigger for him. I remember being on a long-haul flight once and I was in pain with an ongoing illness and I wanted some water. He said could I also get him a snack whilst I am getting myself water. I snapped and (in rather a blurted out and clumsy way) refused as I was not well and did not want to be getting snacks for him as well. This did not go down well and he said that he’d had enough of my ‘nonsense’.

If there is any negativity form my end it triggers he. He really does not like it and days he hates to see me unhappy.

He definitely needs to have a woman look after him and would like them to always be his definition of respectful. There will be a cultural factor as well which I think also impacts the dynamic.

He is not a bad person, but he has got into some unhealthy behaviours at times in his adult relationship I think. I am hopeful that the couples therapy will help him to identify some of these things in himself. And also for me to grow and be a better partner.
He wants greater control and power. I would say he struggles with compromise. He would say that he backs down constantly and lets me have my own way for an easy life. So there’s some confusion there.

WH1SPERS
Wow - that's an interesting take on things and you've given me great food for thought there. Yes, he is the boss at work and this works very well and he’s extremely successful (and always ambition to be and do more). He struggles with intimate relationship, where it isn't a contract that gets negotiated and nothing is black and white; it’s about love, respect and intimacy. You don't negotiate those things as a contract, do you?

Love has been very hard to him from childhood onwards. Although I am not his therapist and I am not meant to fix him, I do have the benefit of experience, resilience and skills which helps me to be patient and understanding and work alongside him with stuff, as well as developing myself.

Italiangreyhound
We both rent at the moment. We live in his flat and he wants me to keep my flat as a safety net for now (this is a whole separate issue that I won’t get into).

We both want to marry and have a family. He is not ready as yet as he says there haven’t been enough good time consistently to have faith in the relationship. I love him, so I am enjoying what we have today and working towards more commitment and plans in the future.

If I didn’t do the domestic side of things, he would just get a cleaner, takeaways etc. He would pay someone to do it for him so he still has the time to dedicate to work.

I am 34, so of course conceiving will be harder. But if its meant to be then it will happen. If not, I will look at other options.

We have been together over 4 years.

He says you're controlling when it just sounds like you're kind and you've been doing too much for him

If he wants to control his own dinner then let him, buy for yourself, cook for yourself and eat your own. He's hugely unappreciative of your efforts so let him sort himself out. Same with social stuff, let him organise his own plans and stop including him.

It sounds like he's accusing you of being controlling so you feel bad about yourself.

Oh and it's completely right that you decide when you do and don't want sex. His grabbing at you is entitled and disgusting behaviour.

You've kept your old flat so my advice is to go back to it and leave him

OP can you read what you have written.

"I remember being on a long-haul flight once and I was in pain with an ongoing illness and I wanted some water."

Let me stop you there! Any normal person would get you the water.

"He said could I also get him a snack whilst I am getting myself water. I snapped and (in rather a blurted out and clumsy way) refused as I was not well and did not want to be getting snacks for him as well. This did not go down well and he said that he’d had enough of my ‘nonsense’."

Any person reading this would expect their partner not only to get their own water when in pain but also get them a snack?

No, thought not!

"And also for me to grow and be a better partner. " You do not need to change and be a better partner, you sound like an amazing person.

I think in your shoes I would indeed run for the hills.

How can you raise a child with a man who will not even get you a glass of water when in pain. This is not cultural. There is more going on here.

"He would say that he backs down constantly and lets me have my own way for an easy life." I wonder if anyone reading this would say you have an easy life.

There is a thread on here somewhere for people who are in relationships with people who have diagnosed or undiagnosed Asperger's or autistic spectrum disorder. Could this include him. Could he maybe have soe form of OCD or other mental health issues. Just for the record I have mild OCD and my daughter has ASD. The very rigid ways of doing things and the expectations are making me wonder.

I say this in the nicest possible way, if you really want a family, please do not stay with man who has been dating you for four years, into your thirties and still will not commit to even living with you.

It sounds like a project and you are not young enough (IMVHO) to invest this time in developing him if you really do want to have your own kids.

I won't say more, it's your life but everything you have said, points to him being a very selfish and probably troubled man. You are helping him to build his business, by taking care of everything else, and he will not even live with you. please read this thread back and imagine Sensitive1985 is your best friend, and give Sensitive1985 some advice.

XXXXX

I remember being on a long-haul flight once and I was in pain with an ongoing illness and I wanted some water. He said could I also get him a snack whilst I am getting myself water. I snapped and (in rather a blurted out and clumsy way) refused as I was not well and did not want to be getting snacks for him as well. This did not go down well and he said that he’d had enough of my ‘nonsense’.

I hope you realise that given the circumstances any decent person would have offered to get you the water. I know it's not what you're ready to hear but he is a selfish, entitled arse.

There will be a cultural factor as well which I think also impacts the dynamic.

We see this a lot on the Relationships board. Why is it always the woman bending to the man's culture? The reality is, it's not so much about culture, more about man's universal sense of entitlement.

If there is any negativity form my end it triggers he. He really does not like it and days he hates to see me unhappy.

Does it upset him to see that you're not happy or is it that he resents you expressing your unhappiness? These are fundamentally different things and I suspect very much that it's the latter that applies.

I wish you well and hope you get what you're so desperately hoping for. I'm struggling to be optimistic though. It shouldn't require so much effort this early on. You're paddling a boat full of holes, desperately bailing out and holding onto some glimmer of hope that one day you might just patch all the holes. A more sensible approach would be to find a better boat and there are plenty of them out there. I know you're not ready to consider that but please don't lose sight of your own right to happiness - you only get one life.

Shoxfordian
TooTrueToBeGood
Italiangreyhound

Thank you for your replies.

I love him very much. I understand why he is the way he is. It's awful what he's been through. I want to carry on loving him.

We are in specialist therapy now for his specific issues and merging that with some relationship therapy. If this does not work and then I don't know what more can be done. But I am entering into it with very high positivity so it has every chance of working.

I am also going to a very special life coaching event in April, which is all about being the best person you can be and reaching your goals. I will sue this as an opportunity to think about what I want going forward and transform the bits that I need to in myself.

I thank you so much for your kind words. I try so hard to be a good and giving partner. I try to cook covey food, plan fun entertainment, arrange nice days/nights and travel to new places. I leave him love notes in random places and send romantic things to him when he’s not expecting. If a movie comes out that I know he’ll like, I make sure we get tickets to go. I also listen to his work stresses and problems every night and cared for him when he lost his mother.

Relationships, for me, are an adventure that you go on and enjoy together. I feel like I am climbing Everest sometimes, and he isn't ready to leave basecamp.

When we first met he was very full von and keen. He was clear that he wanted marriage and children and to settle with a woman ASAP. He was so wonderful and successful that I simply couldn’t believe my luck. Now nearly 5 years on, I am still waiting for formal commitment and he tells me that things of the past and today prevent him from being able to commit as the relationship is very 'poor' and he feels 'trapped' in it, and only he is holding things together.

We planned weddings on two occassions, but things came up with meant it all got scrapped. I even tried on dresses and picked a venue etc.

With culture, he is form India. I am not suing that as an excuse but it’s a developing country that is catching up with western attitudes. So it is something to take into account. Although I am aware that not all Indian men are the same.

I wish he was able to accept the gifts of love that I give to him; I haven’t never ever given so much to any past relationships. But he has been so mistreated by women in the past, from childhood up, that he probably can’t see what love is. He doesn’t have those women around anymore, so instead he loves me and hates me, all at the same time.

I know I said I would say no more but I wanted to tell you about a friend.

My friend wanted kids and to be married. Around age 34 she moved in with a guy (a bit older than her I think) who she hoped was the one. He would not marry her or have kids with her and 4 years later they split up.

At 38 she found it much harder to meet someone than she would have at 34. She is now in her fifties, unmarried and no kids. I met her when I was in my early thirties and that is one of the reasons I gave my dh only a couple of years to decide if he did want to marry and have kids. When he dragged his heels, we broke up. We missed each other and got back together and I was very clear that marriage and children were what I wanted. If he didn't want the same we would go our separate ways.

We've been married almost 18 years and mostly happy, we are very different people but he is kind, he can put me first, he takes his share (maybe more than his share) of household work and child care.

Relationships are always a bit of a gamble but it sounds like you are not getting your needs met in this one Sensitive1985.

"he loves me and hates me, all at the same time." Be positive but please be realistic. This is a project and you are giving your prime of life to it. When do you get to count?

I think I had better go elsewhere now because this is making me so sad. I know you love him. I think in your therapy session you may want to explore why you think love means meeting his needs (and I know that there are big issues you cannot talk about) and why love doesn't include him meeting your needs.

This is not a good or healthy relationship.

I think you believe it can work when you become a better person and can help him become a better person.

Why do you feel you need to change? Why do you expect him to change?

People rarely change unless they are 100% committed to making changes. He won't change.

There are so many red flags in what you write but I'm not going to list them as PPs have done because you are 100% committed to this fairy tale of change and I won't convince you otherwise.