Power dynamics

[Sensitive1985]

Hi everyone,

My partner told me that he feels I have ALL the power in the relationship and that he has lost himself and the power that he wants. I am doing some reflecting on this and looking at why he feels that way and why things are the way they are...

The examples he gave were that he feels that I decide what we do, what we eat and when we have sex. This isn't necessarily my view of the relationship, but it is how he feels so I want to respect that and take it seriously.

I am interested to know what other couples' power dynamics are and how you negotiated this.

Also, has anyone else been told this and how did you handle it?

Thank you and warm wishes to everyone.

And also for me to grow and be a better partner
Oh dear - how very very sad.
He's done a right number on you OP.
Please re-read all your posts.
He's not a nice person.
He's controlling and manipulative.
He is all take take take and no give at all.
The sooner you see him for who he is the better.
But I think it's gonna take a while before the scales fall from your eyes.
When they do, please come back for support.
You are going to need it.

Italiangreyhound

Bless you and please do not feel sad for me, please. I really am OK. I promise. :-)

IU get confused because even though I am trying so hard to meet his needs (talking to him, therapist, books, relationship gurus..) he will get mad at time and tell me that I am not. So I spend less and less time thinking about my needs, because I have it in my head that if I meet his then mine will end up getting met. SO e=rather than being stuck in my own head all the time, I am putting him first to get what I truly want.

You've been a lovely contributor to this thread, thank you for your valuable words and advice. I really will give it careful though. xxx

By the way, therapists/counsellors he has spoken to have called me abusive and controlling. So this has all added to my confusion about what's going on.

Have they told you that or has he told you they said that? You are being very naive.

Sensitive1985

"IU get confused because even though I am trying so hard to meet his needs (talking to him, therapist, books, relationship gurus..) he will get mad at time and tell me that I am not."

You cannot heal him.

"So I spend less and less time thinking about my needs, because I have it in my head that if I meet his then mine will end up getting met."

They will not. You know he can have children up to 80 maybe. He can suck up all your love and healing and care and piss off elsewhere in ten years if he wants to. He has told you that he cannot have a family with you until he feels happy enough. Listen to him. You may never make him happy.

"SO e=rather than being stuck in my own head all the time, I am putting him first to get what I truly want." Sadly, very sadly, I don't think you will get it. I don't think meeting your needs is on his agenda, at all.

"By the way, therapists/counsellors he has spoken to have called me abusive and controlling. So this has all added to my confusion about what's going on." Have these people said this to your face or by email or has he simply said that they said this?

Every word you write about him makes him sound more and more horrible. You are sacrificing for him, it's not worth it.

If you are so horrible and controlling why is he still with you?

The bottom line is he does not appear to be 'with you', he wants you to keep your flat as his safety net, he won't commit to marriage or kids or even living with you!

You deserve more. Good luck.

"You've been a lovely contributor to this thread, thank you for your valuable words and advice. I really will give it careful though. xxx"

Thank you, I really do feel sorry for anyone trapped in a difficult relationship.

If you are interested there is a thread in Relationships called "Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!"

XXXX

So your needs are secondary to his all the time

You can never bring a child into this EVER. Then your time and effort will have to go to someone else other than his needs. And he wont like it.

Is this really what you want from your life. Because he doesnt love you - he doesnt even seem to particularly like you if you are not putting his needs totally first

Nothing in his backstory can justify that OP nothing

*By the way, therapists/counsellors he has spoken to have called me abusive and controlling. So this has all added to my confusion about what's going on.

Have they actually said that to you or has he said that they have said it. Because (a) you aren't (b) no therapist would ever say that - he is lying to mess with you to change your behaviour so what little bit you do push back goes.

And then that leaves nothing of you at all

TooTrueToBeGood

SO a professional with in-depth knowledge of your realtionship thinks he's dominant? What he thinks doesn't trump that.

That’s a really disturbing way of seeing things, you know. OP and her partner are the two people in and living this relationship 24/7. A trained professional view is valuable, but it can only ever be part of the picture given that it’s based on what they’re told by their client/s. If the therapist has a view that he’s dominant that’s worth listening to. But the therapist’s view absolutely does not automatically ‘trump’ OP’s partner’s view of the relationship! How many times do we hear about couples attending counselling where one is an abuser and manages to charm the therapist, get them on side and end up grooming them? Would you say that the abused partner is then wrong to think they’re being abused because the therapist’s view trumps theirs?

I sincerely doubt any therapist would categorically state that they know beyond a shadow of a doubt one party is dominating the other, they can only give their own view based on what they’re hearing, it’s ultimately down to OP and her partner what they choose to do with that.

Because (a) you aren't (b) no therapist would ever say that

They would. If he is telling his individual therapist about behaviours by OP that are controlling and abusive, a therapist absolutely would find it appropriate to reflect to him that those behaviours are abusive and controlling. When women in abusive relationships attend therapy for DV the therapist doesn’t sit neutrally and hold back from letting her know that if what she’s saying is correct, she is being abused.

I don’t know whether this guy’s therapist did say this, or what he told them, but it’s not correct to say a therapist wouldn’t state that someone’s partner is abusive or controlling. So he’s not necessarily lying.

I don’t think any of us can truly know what’s going on here, there’s always her side, his side, and the objective truth of the matter. Even your therapist OP can only draw conclusions based on what they’ve been told by you and your partner!

What ever you do it will never be enough. You are bending yourself over backwards to try & please him,
after 4 years he isn't happy with the relationship
He won't cook, he gives no input, but isn't happy with what you prepare.
When you refuse his invasive attempts for sex, he says you have power over him. but globally he makes no effort
in fact HE MAKES NO EFFORT, Basta. He never will, He wants a puppe, & you are trying desperately to appease, & demean yourself in the process
You are in a terrible relationship,
It will end badly
You need to leave, fast

You are rapidly losing your sense of self to pleasing this arsehole of a man. So sad to read. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for him. It is pretty much a master and servant situation. At 34, if you want children, you don't have time for this game playing.I fear you'll find yourself alone and childless in a few years, having wasted your best fertile years on someone who will always put himself first.

I know people want to be helpful, and that is really kind appreciated. Just keep in mind the impact statements around my character, judgement and whether he loves me may have. Thank you everyone.

I probably went off on a tangent a little... Going back to my original post...

if anyone has any thoughts to share about relationship power dynamics in general, and challenges they have worked through, it would be great to hear from you.

"Power dynamics", you do everything for him, & he still says you aren't allowing him to have any power,
What power does he need? what is stopping him deciding what to eat & preparing it ? what is stopping him organise days out, or holidays.
Assuming he is happy to "allow" you to do all it all & still complain,
The only time you say Stop, is when you don't want to be forced to have unwanted sex.
He has you doting on him, leaving love notes, performing back flips, he will keep putting you down, it's his power trip,
that is the "power dynamic" in your couple.
The people here are telling you to run fast & run far because they can see the "power dynamic" as it is, He is manipulating & gaslighting you

I honestly think for us 'power dynamics' sort of grew naturally.

When we both worked full time we both did stuff around the house and cooked, we made joint decisions on holidays and big purchases.

When our daughter came along I was off work for 8 months and did most household and cooking stuff, I went back two short days a week and it carried on with me cooking etc, but DH has always helped me.

Sex was when we both felt like it. Still is. DH is happy to have sex almost any time, so he's getting his way in that whenever I also feel like sex he gets it with me!

I think we agree on most things. We are both members of a religion and active in it. Although we do very different things! I might be up he front sometimes and he is a more behind the scenes sort of person.

People may see me as more dominant as I am loud but that is not the case.

The only time we have really fallen out specifically was about whether to have more fertility treatment, which we could not really afford. Money is sometimes at the root of any arguments but he is a saver and I am spender. So we usually work it out and as we have aged we have grown closer in affection but also in inclination. I now feel less keen to waste money and am becoming more of a saver.

I think we have found being on the same page, or at least in the same chapter, has helped and I never normally even think about who has the power. It is more who does what: who puts a child to bed, or picks one up from somewhere, who cooks dinner or shops etc. Very boring things.

Just keep in mind the impact statements around my character, judgement and whether he loves me may have

I'm sure posters are doing that, OP. It's just that we won't pussyfoot around you and sugar coat the truth.
From what you've described of his character traits and his 'role' in your relationship - in my opinion HE is the dominant one who is controlling everything.

When we first met he was very full von and keen. He was clear that he wanted marriage and children and to settle with a woman ASAP. He was so wonderful and successful that I simply couldn’t believe my luck. Now nearly 5 years on, I am still waiting for formal commitment
So he basically lovebombed you to get you hooked and reel you in - once he 'caught' you he changed his tune completely.
He's manipulating you into believing it's YOU that's 'not good enough' and need to change in order to be with this 'wonderful' man
He's manipulated you into taking on all household responsibility and for organising your lives - and still finds fault with it.
You are giving 100%+ and yet this still isn't good enough for him.
He knows exactly how to play you - dangle the carrot and then yank it higher as soon as you come close to it.

Your making excuses for him left, right and centre!
Why on earth would you have dc with a self-confessed and ardent workaholic, who feels he does not have any responsibility in running a home other than throwing money at it - even if it upsets you.
He is going to be just as controlling and manipulative with any dc you have, as well as being largely a hands-off, absent parent because work is more important.

His only real passion and priority is his work - not you.
You're a convenient means to an end for him - but only on his terms.

He's the one pulling the strings in your relationship OP....he changes the goal posts as often as he likes and all you do is keep running after him.
He's even got you believing that it's all your idea....and that 'if only' YOU changed your ways even more then you would be 'good enough' to take a bite from the dangling carrot.
I hope your therapist helps you see and understand this.

I just had a flashback to when i was a really young child and hadn't quite got the hang of wiping my own arse yet. I'd do my business in the toilet and then shout for my mum to come and wipe it for me - then complain she did it too hard or didn't do it properly.
HE reminds of that! The only difference being that i wanted to learn to do it for myself and did not expect to be enabled all my life in that regard......