Both my sons girlfriends don’t get along and it’s causing terrible atmosphere

[Jo359]

I have 2 lovely grown up sons who both have girlfriends. I love both girls to even though are very different personalities. One is very chatty outgoing and the other very quite and shy. They have been dating about 3 years now but the past year and a half I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own house. For some reason the girls just don’t get along and the atmosphere when we are all together is terrible! I feel like I’m just stuck in the middle. Family meals and Christmas have got so bad my youngest and his quite girlfriend tend to make excuse after excuse to avoid being together. It hurts me so much as I feel my son is missing out. I treat all of them exactly the same way but the awardness when all 4 of them are together is just getting worse. I have tried talking to try find out about the rift between the 2 girls but I think they are just complete opposite and just don’t like each other. I’ve tried explaining to my sons they don’t have to be best of friends as you can’t help who you like or dislike but I just want everyone to be civil. I don’t want it to get to point where I can only have them round on separate occasions. My 2 sons get along so well but when all together you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.

It was so bad last week my eldest son spoke to them saying we can’t carry on like this as it not fair on mum and he gave them both opportunity to speak to say if there is a problem or if any one has upset each other please say but the pair of them just kept quite . I then got confronted a day later from my youngest saying it’s made things 100 times worse. I explained that I can’t be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home and how we try to get them involved and invite them for dinner ect but they never want to get involved so I’m just left at a loss of dispare. I haven’t stopped crying and feel like the family is falling apart. My son appologized and said he will try and make more of an effort and get more involved but now I’m worried they only be doing it as feel obliged to and I will still worry if they feel awkward being here together as the 4 of them.

Sorry I’m waffling on now I know but just feel so unhappy I just want a happy family around me and not the atmosphere and awkwardness I’ve had past year.

I'm not sure what it has to do with you really why do they have to get on..
I would have not appreciated my bf mum having a word with me...or locking us in a room for FFS ....I'm an adult - why should I spend my time in a room with people who I dont want to see/talk to? I would probably dump him for being such a mummys boy- neither of them are being rude to you or each other from your description -
they just dont get on....why do you think they have to??

as it is your house your sons are living in maybe you say to your sons to sort it so their gf are not over at the same time as YOU dont like it

How often are you expecting to all play some 'happy family thing' ?
if your boys get on great - let them sort it out.. just put your boundary you dont want both the girls in the house at the same time ....

but I think you need to really think about what you are saying long term it sounds like you ae not letting your ADULTs grow up and choose their own partners...
what of you didn't like their gf at all ? what woudl you do then.... think you may push your Sons away if you carry on this path..

If it's causing you distress in your own home then I would tell them not to invite the girlfriends at the same time and do the family stuff without the girlfriends while they are living at home. When they move out just invite them separately until they get on (or tolerate each other). If they want to be able to invite them over when they want they can move out and get their own places.

Do they all live with you? If the girlfriends don't live there do they need to spend so much time in your house? At that age I would spend maybe a Sunday evening at my boyfriends house, other than that I would sit & chat briefly at night/morning if I was staying over but I didnt spend loads of time just hanging round their house.

I thought they were older and living away from home.
The fact your sons are still young, I imagine at least one of the relationships won’t last the course, so problem solved.

I think this is bound to happen when adults are all trying to live together. 23 & 21 is moving out of home time. They will learn a lot about having to House-share, and communicate/negotiate around personality clashes. Currently, they’re doing this badly and making your home life unnecessarily uncomfortable.

At the very least talk to them all together and simple share with them that the recent atmosphere is leading you to think that it’s high time living arrangements changed, to suit their changing needs as adults. That it seems that the natural time for moving on/moving out is drawing close.

This. Though I agree that I don't get a clear sense of what is actually happening when the two women are together to make the OP so uncomfortable, other than that the two women don't talk to one another. You can't make people get on, and if one of the two girlfriends just chooses not to come to the house for family meals or to leave early when she does, then there's not much you can or should do about it.

It does sound like a rather claustrophobic situation, OP I've only met my brother's wife a few times, and I haven't met either of my sister's longterm partners at all, as they tend to keep their lives quite separate from our parents' house no forced jollity, and family occasions tend to involve just us.

SISTERS'.

I think this is caused by living arrangements - your sons in effect need to move out and find their own space with their respective girlfriends.

Once that is done they can start to grow a relationship slowly - it sounds like they are different personalities who are forced into spending too much time together

Always the shyer quieter ones fault

Some people just don’t like being talked at. What you think is funny and chatty and outgoing to her might be rude and brash.

Ops already picked her side anyway let hope you didn’t pick the wrong one.

Your house, your rules...neither girlfriend welcome until they can behave like adults.

Book escape room tickets for all of you and then bail with your husband on the way in

I feel so sorry for the quiet girlfriend. No doubt made to sit about with her boyfriends mum, who seems to need her grown sons company for hours on end and not only that, but deal with a braying woman the other gf) who has taken a dislike to her quiet ways.
Why not just politely ignore the poor girl!? Some people, believe it or not, don't need social engagement for their entire day.

Maybe the quiet one finds the louder one over bearing. Stop having them over for food together and don’t get involved any more.
Are they called Megan and Kate by the way🤪

I have 4 sons all in their 30's and I can confirm that none of them are still with the girlfriends they had at aged 23 or 21, they all seemed to settle in their late 20's/early 30's.
Op they are still quite young, plaster on a smile and try to ignore ant atmosphere, it is extremely rude of the 4 of them to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Just yo say that I'm quiet and shy and if someone told me to get over it or make an effort it would make me crawl into my she'll even more. it's nothing I can help. you can't change personality

OP, if you want them to talk so desperately I assume you're fine with the inevitable fights/screaming matches that will happen? In your own home obviously as that's where you want them to interact.

Still unclear what the quiet one is supposed to have done wrong. She sounds like an introvert who can’t handle so many people at once.

I was like that once upon a time. Not so talkative. Ok to a point and then I needed a break. Oddly it was worst with people who talked loudly about computer programming (specific I know) around whom I had a panic/flight response.

So what does the loud one talk about? Is it something that interests the quiet one, or does she seems physically pained?

And what exactly has the quiet one actually done wrong?

My boyfriends brothers girlfriend and I loathe each other. She has a caution for attacking me and will be prosecuted for harassment if she starts again.

We don't involve our parents but I would decline invites if she we're going. You may just have to accept yourself that they're not going to get along. I can't help the atmosphere when bfs would be sister in law is around. She is a vicious bully and it effects me.

by any chance are you Prince Charles?

"I think this is caused by living arrangements - your sons in effect need to move out and find their own space with their respective girlfriends."

This. It's barely a month since Xmas and it sounds like there've been a few of these get-togethers already. Unless everyone gets on, most families don't do that except for special occasions (which are then awks hence all the Xmas angst threads on here). You say you worry your DS is missing out, but as long as he sees you and his brother separately, I don't see what he's missing out on. Sounds like he sees more of his family than many young men who will have already flown the nest. Leave the girlfriends be and stop getting everyone together so often. They don't get on and there's no reason they need to be more than civil.

i don't know - my sister in law is very very quiet - hates me. Tries to turn my brother against me, says awful things to him about me - your sister is this, your sister is that - no idea why. I have never done anything but be me, am i loud an outgoing? maybe a little bit - but that is not my fault is it? Should i have to change for her, just so she could like me? Im never in her face, yet she hates me. She told my mum - we're just different people.

I wouldn't be so quick to point a finger at the outgoing girl OP, as some have done on this post, we cant all just like each other and we cant all always find common ground. I would see them separately - you dont all have to be together all the time.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re just making a massive fuss and drama (‘family falling apart’ for goodness sake!) over nothing much at all. So the quiet one doesn’t really speak... so? She’s not a chatter, does it actually affect anyone else at all? Just accept that is who she is, surely that’s the answer? I’m assuming there’s no actual rudeness or arguments or anything as that’s not been mentioned.

I’d say you need a bit of help.