Both my sons girlfriends don’t get along and it’s causing terrible atmosphere

[Jo359]

I have 2 lovely grown up sons who both have girlfriends. I love both girls to even though are very different personalities. One is very chatty outgoing and the other very quite and shy. They have been dating about 3 years now but the past year and a half I feel like I’m walking on eggshells in my own house. For some reason the girls just don’t get along and the atmosphere when we are all together is terrible! I feel like I’m just stuck in the middle. Family meals and Christmas have got so bad my youngest and his quite girlfriend tend to make excuse after excuse to avoid being together. It hurts me so much as I feel my son is missing out. I treat all of them exactly the same way but the awardness when all 4 of them are together is just getting worse. I have tried talking to try find out about the rift between the 2 girls but I think they are just complete opposite and just don’t like each other. I’ve tried explaining to my sons they don’t have to be best of friends as you can’t help who you like or dislike but I just want everyone to be civil. I don’t want it to get to point where I can only have them round on separate occasions. My 2 sons get along so well but when all together you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.

It was so bad last week my eldest son spoke to them saying we can’t carry on like this as it not fair on mum and he gave them both opportunity to speak to say if there is a problem or if any one has upset each other please say but the pair of them just kept quite . I then got confronted a day later from my youngest saying it’s made things 100 times worse. I explained that I can’t be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home and how we try to get them involved and invite them for dinner ect but they never want to get involved so I’m just left at a loss of dispare. I haven’t stopped crying and feel like the family is falling apart. My son appologized and said he will try and make more of an effort and get more involved but now I’m worried they only be doing it as feel obliged to and I will still worry if they feel awkward being here together as the 4 of them.

Sorry I’m waffling on now I know but just feel so unhappy I just want a happy family around me and not the atmosphere and awkwardness I’ve had past year.

You are way too over involved. I am one of five. I get along with some of my siblings partners and not others. One in particular is like a bouncy over excitable teenage girl and she drives me round the twist. I'm not rude to her but I certainly don't choose to spend any more time than I can help in her company. Our mum just lets us get on with it.

At 21 & 23 I’d grit my teeth through it.

It’s likely the problem will resolve itself naturally as they mature or (putting it bluntly) one of the relationships ends.

Trying to force or guilt them into getting along will just make things worse.

Oh dear. That's an awful situation for everyone, and unfortunately, it sounds like you've done all you can to resolve it, but the girls are just not interested in compromising... which is really sad.

Tell your boys that you love their girlfriends, but things cannot go on as they are. You're tired of being piggy in the middle and tired of walking of eggshells. If the girls won't at least try to be civil to one another and sort out their differences then you're not prepared to have them both in the house at the same time.

It will be awkward for a while but at least the awful atmosphere will be gone and given time, they may see the light, grow up and put other's feelings before their own.

Good luck!

Okay I could be sooo wrong here but don't always believe tears and the loud one. I'm quiet at times and was moreso as a 21 year old but man the loud ones can bark their way through anything at times. Honestly growing up I had people I was comfortable with and then the loud ones who were very full of themselves and not fun to be around at all. It's easier to remain silent at those times as no one listens to the quiet one anyway.

I agree with the idea of locking them both in a room together and seeing what happens. Just joking.
I don't really know what you can do. Your sons should ask their partners and then tell you without them knowing. They'll be honest with your sons won't they?

You are way too over involved
How?

The OP doesn't like the bad atmosphere in her house.

They don't have to like each other...they need to be civil ad they would at work.

This is the problem with adult children living at home for longer these days.

Their relationships become part of your family life, when they could be in their own homes.

If things don't improve, they need a schedule to come over and no Christmases together. It's very immature of them.

The OP doesn't like the bad atmosphere in her house.

Other than one of the girls being quiet, what exactly has happened to cause the bad atmosphere?

They're being very rude to behave like that in your home. Do you think it's a simple clash of personality or that there's been an incident, which neither of them will fess up to?

To behave like what?

To behave in a way that makes the OP feel uncomfortable in her own home.

You all have been very helpful and giving me insight into different ways I can deal with this situation.

You are centering yourself so much. It's drama, worsening because of your crying and getting involved.

If the 2 women don't like each other then they don't. Do they all live with you? If not I can't understand why this is having such a huge impact on your home.

Sometimes people just don't get on. & you can't force or order them to like each other. If they're arguing in your home thats not on so tell them to cut it out or get out if they can't be civil.

Aside from that I think you should find something else to occupy your mind. Your sons have their lives to live and they'll likely sort all this
in their own way.

Step off, and leave them to it.

By grown-up do you mean very young adult, ie 18-25? They all sound very immature. Neither girl should be crying at you. I'd nicely direct them to take it up with each other or your sons like adults, and opt out of the drama.

Sounds like the only time the girls are together is at yours. Suggest to your DS that they get together with their GFs (without you) and do things together and see if they can get to know each other better. They're old enough to be able to get along with all people now, even if they wouldn't be their first choice.

As a very quiet introverted person I find that loud noisy extroverts don't attempt to understand me and instead believe I am being unfriendly, rude or worse yet that I need cheering up by them. When I try to get away from them for some peace and quiet or to recharge, they sometimes think I'm mad at them. The people who know me better understand - thank god.

Give her some space and allow her to approach you guys first instead of trapping her in a corner just to fulfill your own needs or expectations. The chatty out-going GF might be too overwhelming for the quiet one.

As always, some odd replies 🙄. It’s ridiculous to say you’re ‘over invested’, you’re entitled to be feeling fed up of the atmosphere in your own home!

Are the boys in a position where they could house share? Suggesting it might make them realise exactly how fed up you are of the atmosphere.

I also assumed they were arguing but now it seems the one girl is just quiet and needs time away from the loud one to recharge. I am an introvert and I find loud extroverts exhausting and I probably would be hiding in the kitchen for a bit to recharge.

The thing is that people don’t always get on and it does sound like they are being civil, just not overly friendly, which can happen when people are very different

My point was that op hasn't said that anything has actually been done, other than one girl being quieter than the other.

So what is actually happening to cause a bad atmosphere? Is it just that the quiet girlfriend is introverted and not chatty? And that the outgoing girlfriend wants to chat and feels snubbed? If that's all that's happening, it sounds like extrovert girlfriend needs to learn that not everyone is like her. Not everyone like to chatter and everything and nothing. Get her a copy of the book "Quiet".

It really is tiresome that introverts are expected to engage in extroverts' full-on world, but many extroverts won't take a minute to understand an introvert's world.

They do need to grow up.

“Different personalities” is no excuse for such rudeness and animosity. They don’t have to be best friends, but such outright dislike is so unnecessary.

Speaking as an introvert, I disagree with kaldefotter entirely. So “quiet” doesn’t want to sit and chat with “outgoing” and it’s “outgoing’s” fault for not taking “quiet’s” introversion into account. I wouldn’t call it introversion, I’d call it antisocial. Are they all supposed to sit in silence instead?

I also think “quiet” is being bloody rude if she’s making such a show of being desperate to get up and leave.

I'd tell your sons neither girlfriend was welcome in your house til this was resolved tbh. Life's too short to be miserable in your own home.

Realistically speaking this is a hard relationship anyway. Lots of SiLs don't get on and end up competing - looking around Mumsnet you see plenty of competition over who has kids first, who sees the grandparents on Christmas Day, who annouces they are engaged first and steals the other couple's baby name first!

The quiet one should probably make small talk but are you sure that Loud and Chatty isn't just like this to win you over while actually being a drama queen in everyday life? I don't like that she's been crying to you because she is trying to get you to pick a side.

I know they have both cried to you but I can't see where Loud thinks quiet "hates" her.

Sounds like the quiet one is the main instigator here, I think I'd tell my son she needs to make an effort and he needs to recognise her behaviour.

How old are these women, as they are behaving like kids.

Haworthia, the OP hasn't actually described what the quiet girlfriend is meant to have actually done, but you've determined that she's rude. The OP has just said that she can 'see' that the quiet one can't wait to get up and leave the room. I'm wondering what the quiet girlfriend has actually said or actually done. The OP hasn't explained, but she has clearly taken a side.

Introverts aren't antisocial for avoiding chit-chat, by the way, and they're not afraid of silence or gaps in conversation. It doesn't make them rude.

I agree with hammering that there's been no explanation as to why the loud girlfriend is crying to the OP that the quiet girlfriend 'hates' her. It would be really helpful if this was explained.