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Relationships

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Original poster

Chemistry and passion vs friendship and laughter

28 replies

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 12:04

I have a man dilemma.

I've been seeing 2 different men for the last few months - both know about the other. It's getting to the stage with one of them that he'd like to take things further with me and to be honest I wouldn't be against it.

However my dilemma is that with this guy, things are so much fun, we've developed quite a strong bond, get on really well, make each other laugh - we spend probably 80% of our time laughing hysterically. But with the other guy there's an intense chemistry that I've never felt with anyone else and I'm completely hooked on him. We don't have a friendship beyond when we are actually physically together and we certainly don't talk and laugh like I do with the first guy. But the passion and lust is out of this world whereas with the first guy it's only reasonably good.

I have been married before - to someone with whom I had none of the above - so both chemistry and friendship are very important to me.

I'm in no rush, I have dc. These 2 guys are both good people. Passion man hasn't ever hinted that he'd like a committed relationship with me but is apparently not seeing anyone else (not fully sure I believe him). Laughter man is extremely keen on me and is also not seeing anyone else (and I believe him).

OP posts:

Ribbonsonabox · 23/01/2019 12:08

If you still have some level of passion with the guy you're friends with then that would win hands down for me! Sex with no friendship gets pretty old pretty quickly... so does terrible sex within a friendship but it sounds like theres chemistry with the guy you're friends with too... so that's a no brainer to me!

TheFifthKey · 23/01/2019 12:10

Maybe the fact you're thinking this means neither of them are the one? Perhaps this dating stage has shown you exactly what you would like in a relationship - friendship, warmth and fun as well as passion and chemistry. It can absolutely happen, but if that's what you want, neither of these men are offering it. That you've been dating them both shows you don't want to give either side up. They're not the only men in the world. Think carefully about what you actually need from a relationship and find someone who fits that mould rather than trying to squeeze someone into it.

SpoonBlender · 23/01/2019 12:29

Passion guy you don't even know. Fuck and forget, you'll be bored of him in six months. Probably best to ditch him while he's still turning you on, else things can go bitter fast.

I'd go with the other guy. Fun and friendship can last decades.

HugeAckmansWife · 23/01/2019 12:36

Twice in my life I have been completely overcome by the 'chemistry' with a guy. It felt like an imperative that I HAD to be with them and I did a huge amount of damage in order to be so. Neither lasted and I feel absolutely zero for either of them. I have no idea about how the other guy might work out but definitely don't lose him for the sake of passion guy if what you are after is a long term relationship.

TheFifthKey · 23/01/2019 13:03

I don’t think OP saying sex is “reasonably good” with the first guy is a good sign though - this should be when sex is exciting and intense and if it isn’t now, will it ever be...?

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 13:41

Everything you've all said echoes what I already know and needed to hear. They're not the only men in the world and I do want it all - but maybe laughter man deserves a chance of my full focus before I give up on him. Any sex in comparison to passion man is only going to be 'reasonably good' because I'm always going to be comparing. Plus in the past for me sex has improved with time, connection and trust which bodes well for laughter man.

OP posts:

wishywashy6 · 23/01/2019 14:23

In all honesty after having neither in my marriage I need both or nothing.
If I had to choose though, I'd say laughter man. Sex with no other connection outside of that bores me

coolcahuna · 23/01/2019 14:34

Twice in the last few years, I've been sucked in by incredible chemistry and to be honest it was short-lived both times. It blinds you a bit to their character and red flags as you're so caught up in the passion.

However, if the sex with the other guy is average, then maybe he isn't the right one for you. Or maybe things would get better with him if you didn't have the comparison.

Shame we can't blend two men into one ideal man!

TheFifthKey · 23/01/2019 15:27

Sex does improve with time and connection - but the best I've had started as the best pretty early on! And still got better.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 23/01/2019 15:32

Big fan of the long slow burn here
if I were looking for a relationship I'd bin passion man for a while and see where things go with laughter man
sounds to me like laughter man is looking for that. not fair to keep him dangling and if he's any self respect he won't hang around forever.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 15:37

I was you op. Chose the less exciting man!! He never actually forgave me for making him share tbh.
Resentment built over a long time.

Exh now.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/01/2019 15:45

Dump sex man anyway. That way lies disaster. You don't actually like him!

Give laughter man a chance, maybe, but don't settle. See how it goes.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 17:04

Oh I do like sex man! He's lovely in person and we get on well and talk about all sorts and we're actually quite similar BUT it just doesn't come close to laughter man whose company I am coming to love.

OP posts:

cafesociety · 23/01/2019 17:16

I'd go with the friendship and laughter guy every time. He would be great company which hopefully you wouldn't tire of. Relationships based on sexual attraction, to me, are shallow and can be short lived if there is no real deeper connection.
Do you feel safety, trust and security with the friendship guy? How does the other make you feel in comparison?

ChocOrCheese · 23/01/2019 17:21

If you are hoping for a long term relationship with someone then I think laughter man would be the pick, to see how it goes.

IlluminatiParty · 23/01/2019 17:24

I'm probably out on a limb here but I think good sex can be fuelled by an element of "disconnection" - not knowing everything about someone, having some space between them and you. I'd guess this is why the sex is better with passion guy - it's BECAUSE you aren't overlapping as much. It's probably easier to say exactly what you want in bed with passion man because you're not as emotionally invested or worried about shocking him or losing the friendship or breaking the connection

Are you looking for a long term relationship? There's no need perhaps to pick a side, unless you're given that ultimatum. It might be that you end up with a bloody good friend who's moved on and who has a new partner, and a lover you see on occasion for amazing sex. We get stuck in the idea that we have to pick one person to do everything for the rest of our lives. You don't have to.

I'm a sucker for good sex after coming out of a long marriage so tbh I'd not be throwing the passion out just yet...

dontgobaconmyheart · 23/01/2019 17:30

Do you think laughter guy just makes you feel good about yourself in ways sex guy doesn't OP? And you like that rather than him? Would you be pushing to commit if he'd not brought it up? Are you wanting to try with him bevause you're scared you'll lose him now its out in the open he wants commitment, if you dont reciprocate? It's only a good 'opportunity' if the answer was already yes
.
I think you're right to explore that neither man is right, there's no rush to pick one! I agree with others that reluctance to give either up says quite a bit. You've proven that you're able to find and connect with men you like and fancy, and there are plenty of them. It doesn't seem like a great start to go with laughing guy when you know you fancy someone else more and the intimacy is better, even if that person doesn't sound relationship material.

Quietly spend more time with laughing guy and see how it goes and how much you miss the thing you are worried you'll miss, you don't need to rush decisions solely because he has said he wants to make it more, have your decisions and timeline be guided what you want.

As an aside, if laughing guy knew the truth, that you got on with him but were far more attracted to the other man, and preferred the sex and would miss it etc, would he even want to proceed? He may know he exists but perhaps he assumes you are reluctant to commit full stop and the issue is that, rather than the fact you have mixed feelings. I wonder if he knew the full truth if he'd even stick around or want to take it further anyway, who wants to be openly second best in the attraction stakes .

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 21:06

I do feel safety, trust and security with laughter man and not with passion man. I wasn't even particularly looking for those things (I just wanted to have some fun) but now I have them with one it's hard not to notice that they're lacking with the other.

As for a relationship...I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm looking for. I'm quite a go with the flow type person and didn't have a plan in mind. I'm happy alone or with someone. I don't want anyone moving in with my dc so that kind of commitment is a long way off anyway, and laughter man knows that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 21:08

And no, I wouldn't tell laughter man that he came second in the attraction stakes!

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Closetbeanmuncher · 23/01/2019 21:18

Something's lacking in both of them. For the long term plan I would stick to friendship with laughter guy, fwb for sex guy.

Call me a fussy but both of those elements would have to be there in abundance for me to have a relationship with someone.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 21:30

The more I think about it the more I agree beanmuncher

OP posts:

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 21:33

And as for what dontgobacon said, I wouldn't be changing things if laughter man wasn't keen to. I'm currently getting the best of both worlds!

OP posts:

SkinnyPete · 23/01/2019 21:36

Go with passion man and attempt to tame him.

Original poster

Senseiwu · 23/01/2019 22:20

Absolutely not!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 22:22

Do you like having sex with laughing boy?

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