Do these men ever find love?

[Stuffthinker]

Hello! You know these kind of guys, who have no friends and hobbies (anymore), say that they like to just go to work, chill in the house and go out with their girlfriend, tell that they do not need anything else than their girfriend and are satisfied without friends etc? They just want to spend all their free time with their girlfriend, dream of "the one and only and happily ever after kind of love".

Well, I'm about to break up with someone like this after a 1.5 years of relationship, because I have so much more to do and things to achieve than just spend all my free time with him etc. However, I feel so sorry for him.

All of his previous girlfriends have left him, he is 29, he has no friends anymore (and who try to contact him, he just does not reply even anymore), no hobbies. He says his fine and happy and he just wants to spend time with me and he does not want to pursue a hobby, because there is nothing out there that would suit or interest him etc etc. I actually think his insecurities hold him back, but he does not believe me. Anyway, I'm the next one in a row who will break his heart and crash his dream of happy love etc. Should I feel guilty, worried, sorry for him?

I have tried to encourage him to contact his friends (or at least the one that is still out there), to spend more time with his family, to find something he would like to do out of the house without me, to seek counselling (according to him, he was bullied at school and I guess there all his insecurities are and he should really deal with those), I have shared my own experiences of being depressed and insecure and had no friends and hobbies and how much I improved after seeking help, getting over my issues and am now really enjoying my life for many years. But he has not taken any advice on board, saying he is happy as he is.

It would be fine, if I did not feel like I am restricted due to this. we have had many discussions about me pursuing my hobby and meeting friends etc, he is now in peace with these activities, but it has been exhausting for me. Last week we had an issue with me staying home alone during his family event (I haven't had a chance to be alone at home for months, so I really wanted it). I cannot imagine what would happen if I wanted to take up studying (I am already working full-time) or whatever comes along, which would again leave him alone byhimself. I cannot be the only thing that makes him happy. He always feels like I do not give him enough attention and spend enough time with him - which I do not agree.

Ok, I went off-topic. My question is - have you met such guys and do you believe they eventually find the love of their life? I want to ease my guilt somehow..

I doubt it. He sounds hideous & what a lot you have to carry.

Men without purpose, direction & their own lives, leave me cold

Should I feel guilty, worried, sorry for him?

Nope! Move on. Maybe he'll learn one day that being a sad sack who ties their whole identity up in their relationship isn't a happy or healthy thing to do and maybe not, but if you've tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't want to know then I'd consider it job done. They say you can tell the intelligence of an animal by how quickly it learns from its mistakes ...

You are you, a product of your past life and experiences. You can't help your feelings because they are 'you'.
You could ask how other people would feel and they would give a response from 'them' a product of their past experiences in life.
This does not mean that you should act on your possible feelings of guilt or worry, but that you should recognise why you feel as you do.
Unfortunately I often feel sorry for people (often arseholes) so I make sure I don't act on those feelings. It's difficult to get past those feelings which is why I guess you're asking this question?

He is an adult - he is responsible for his own happiness.
You are responsible for yours.
This is not making you happy.
You have to do what is right for you.
You've tried. You really have.
But he won't change.
Time to move on with your life.

I am sure there are plants of women like this, he just needs to find one of them.

Plants? I mean plenty!

I had someone this. Broke up with him after a year and he is now 47 and in the same situation, largely because he is a weak person and can't take responsibility for his own life.

It would be workable if it felt more equal. But the men I've known like this are not just wanting to spend every second with you, they want to lean on you too.

They tend to talk a lot about supporting each other but are the ones puppying after you all the time.

It can be exhausting to be someone's everything, and also their mother.

He won't easily break this cycle. The behaviour is bordering on controlling

I had one like this. It’s quite sad really but I felt suffocated as he would wait for me to come home from work and he had no interests and no friends.

Maybe they can find love with someone like them. I have an ex-mil and fil who are joined at the hip and seem happy enough,

sounds awfully suffocating, do you live together, when a person has no life past you it makes them look really controlling.

Thank you all!

pusspuss9 - yes, that is why I'm asking the question. It is really hard to get past these feelings and I need somehow the reassurance that my feelings are ok and I'm not exactly harming anyone so bad that I have to suffer myself...

peekyboo - exactly how I feel. One side of this is that he likes the physical as well as emotional care I provide him, but he cannot provide such emotional care me. He is good at physical side - he gives me massages, helps me, does home chores etc, but the emotional connection is totally lacking. Previously, he basically never asked any questions about me, I have somewhat forced him to do it to show some kind of interest in me. Now he asks sometimes how my day went or so, but I can sense it is a learnt habit without much actual interest. A few days ago I asked him how he is overall going, is he happy, are there things I can support him with etc, some goals he wants to achieve etc. In return, he did not ask how I was and what are my dreams, plans and hopes, rather he asked how I was in relation to him, meaning that how do I feel about him and am I happy with him etc. I felt so disapointed. He is also a procrastinator, so making decisions or getting something done takes like weeks for him. So I make most of the decisions, because I cannot wait so long for him, which I guess in turn makes him even less capable of making decisions. He also has difficulties keeping up with our decisions or plans that require more effort than just going out walking or to a concert (e.g taking up a hobby together that we should attend regularly etc). As long as I push him and keep up the motivation, he follows, but when I lack the motivation at some point or whatever, he just forgets about it.

Queenofthedrivensnow - yes, there are elements of being controlling. The latest situation was the most shocking to me. I told him I want to stay at home (indoors, not go out) when he goes to his family event. He was fine with it, but later told me that "If you do decide to do something fun during the day, do not tell me about it, because I would feel bad then" and then "I mean, do not do anyhting that we have planned to do together". I told him, ok, i understand what you mean, but could you refresh my memory, cause currently I remember only two things we have planned to do together and maybe you have thought some activities we should do together, but I am not aware of such thoughts. He told me that he does not have a list in his mind and he cannot tell me specific things. I told him that OK, but then you put me in a impossible situation, because then I feel that just-in-case I cannot do anything else besides sitting on a coach. Then he told me that I do not understand him and that I should forget all about it. It was so weird.

Was he like this from day 1? If so why did you hang around for so long? That’s the only thing worth your concern here - what have you learnt from this?

These types are sort of parasitic and very draining. They may think they are fine but really need professional help.

another20 - from day 1 he was not exactly like this. I liked him because he seemed so smart and talked a lot of interesting stories and we visited very interesting places and he asked me out a lot and was rather active and he did not complain about my hobby etc at day one. He told me how he likes to do "home projects" (e.g renovating with his own hands or whatever) and he also showed me some stuff he made at his apartment etc. I fell for him. Then a few months later I started noticing he does not ask much about me and told him that, he said that he does not know how and so on. He also told me sad stories about his childhood and being bullied at school etc. Then the stories how all of his friends have gone away etc. Then how he is underestimated at work etc. So on the one hand I had just fallen in love, on the other hand I really felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. Then there were also still good times. Then he started telling me that he feels we do not spend enough time together etc, so I cut down my hobby hours (from two-three times per week to one). Then he told me that if it continued like this, we living in different parts of the city and seeing eachother so little time, then he cannot see future with us. I was still in love actually and as he never offered any solutions, I offered we should move in together. So he agreed at the end and then it took like two months for us to discuss where to live and now we live at my apartment. I told him previously several times that I need me-time as well, being home alone, he showed some understanding. But since we moved in together, I really see how he really is. I have struggled so much. At first I thought it just takes time for me to adjust (I have lived alone 10 years) etc. But as the days, week and months went by the more I discovered that this is how he is and I just do not like it. No "home projects" (well he has done something, but after weeks of procrastinating but not all that he has talked about), mostly sits in front of the TV when I'm not around, and even when I am around and doing my own stuff, does not suggest new things to do etc. Complaining when I go to see a friend or something (well, not anymore complaining, because I have told him it bothers me, but I can see it in his face and attitude that inside he is still complaining). I actually have felt like this for like three months or so, but I haven't got the courage to call it off.. because I feel sorry for him and guilty, because 1)he has no friends and hobbies and thus no support group (although he has had three girlfriends before me and he has not been single more than a couple of months tops as far as I understand, so maybe it's a nonissue) and 2) that he gave up his rental apartment and a few months later I plan to throw him out and he would have to spend so much money on a new apartment etc.

Op I. Reply to your reply to me that behaviour is jealousy

Jesus I feel smothered, bored ridged, exhausted, drained, engulfed and frustrated just reading your posts. He sounds like a limpet and a professional victim. You need to have better boundaries not to fall into this type of relationship again.

Get rid - don’t feel guilty - he certainly didn’t when he manipulated to get you to change your hobbies etc. He will be fine - he will just leach on to some other poor unsuspecting woman.

Make it swift and clean cut.

Bit shocked to admit DH is a bit like that and we have been happily married for almost 25 years.

He dropped all friends when he met me because he 'didn't need them anymore' (done gradually so I didn't really notice until he said that more than once and I realised it wasn;t a joke.) He has no hobbies and refuses to start one. He refuses to make new friends. He doesn't even do DIY. He plays on his computer and works part-time from home.
This makes him sound like an absolute loser, but he isn't.

He's a brilliant and caring dad. Does 50% of childcare and house work. He is hilariously funny. He reads widely, listens to loads of music, is happy to travel if I make the arrangements. He can be romantic and suprise me with gorgeously planned romantic weekends away. He enjoys gigs and theatre though I'm usually (but not always) the one to organise them. He likes going to galleries and museums alone or with me. He is up to date with current affairs.He enjoys going out for walks. he's a brilliant cook and has pretty much taken over all the cooking at home.

Week by week, we have a good life - we go to a gig or the theatre or a comedy club; we'll take DC for a long walk in the hills; we have my friends and their husbands over for drinks or dinner occasionally or go to them, although he doesn;t make much of an effort with them. But I feel we have a better quality of life than friends with husbands who are always out training for cycle rides or marathons, or off on rugdby drinking tours with mates. We do a lot together. I told him a while ago that I want us to have a lot of fun when DC are grown up and was surprised when he agreed with pretty much everything I suggested. He'd been resistant before but he's keen to travel now.

Well done OP for realising you can't change your partner's world around for him. It's fine to have compassion and so on. But there is a line we should all draw in relationships. If things are not, on balance, working out for you, and partner is resistant to positive change, then probably best to call it a day. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. 1.5 years is a lot of time and heart to invest in someone...

OneStepMoreFun - I'm really happy for you! Mine also cooks a lot, this is the only thing I am really thankful. I have thought about our future and in my dreams it would look like the description of your life. But unfortunately I have discovered that it is not the life I want - to decide everything etc. But it gives me confidence that there is hope for anyone and if I do not fancy him, there might be other women who will and with whom he migth have a wonderful life with!
However, about the friends. I see a difference between your Dh and my boyfriend - he lost them gradually and told that he did not need them and was perfectly happy. However, while my boyfriend say he does not need friends, I can actually see that he is not happy and he is envious of me that I have friends and according to him he has not volunteerly lost them, he says that "they have abondend me and why should I have to pick up the phone if they do not do it" etc. It's full of bitterness. At the same time I know for a fact that at least one of his friends has contacted him several and several times during our relationship, but he has most of the times turned his proposals to meet up down. He has not even introduced me to him! Although he supposed to be his friend since childhood!

If we had a good emotional connection and if he wasn't full of bitterness and negativity and insecurities etc, I guess we could have a life like you described and I would not mind. But I guess there is not much I can do. So I try to gather myself together and let him ago. I really really hope that he finds someone to live a life where he and his girl/wife are happy like you and your DH are, I really do!

Mine is like that and it suits me fine. He keeps in touch with some mates but just isn't a social animal, he's a homebod. I'm the same and we're happy with our lives.

It seems mean to be so derisive of him just because he is a different kind of person to you and prefers to live a different way.

If you don't want to be with him then move on. It's not your place to change him. Nor is it your place to suggest he is wrong and you are right. Why does he need counselling if he is happy with his life?

He sounds very passive aggressive controlling

Me and dh are quite like this so it suits us. I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to be socialising multiple times a week via hobbies/girly drinks or whatever.

Dh likes to get in from work and jump into family life and relax at home rather than go to a pub or do judo or something.

Men without purpose, direction & their own lives, leave me cold

I'm a man, and I agree with this.

It’s not that’s he’s just an introvert or a homebod.....think that’s a red herring. What has surfaced from OPs posts is that he is bitter, negative, jealous and controlling......wouldn’t matter if he was a wild fun loving extrovert - with those traits he needs to go.