Do these men ever find love?

[Stuffthinker]

Hello! You know these kind of guys, who have no friends and hobbies (anymore), say that they like to just go to work, chill in the house and go out with their girlfriend, tell that they do not need anything else than their girfriend and are satisfied without friends etc? They just want to spend all their free time with their girlfriend, dream of "the one and only and happily ever after kind of love".

Well, I'm about to break up with someone like this after a 1.5 years of relationship, because I have so much more to do and things to achieve than just spend all my free time with him etc. However, I feel so sorry for him.

All of his previous girlfriends have left him, he is 29, he has no friends anymore (and who try to contact him, he just does not reply even anymore), no hobbies. He says his fine and happy and he just wants to spend time with me and he does not want to pursue a hobby, because there is nothing out there that would suit or interest him etc etc. I actually think his insecurities hold him back, but he does not believe me. Anyway, I'm the next one in a row who will break his heart and crash his dream of happy love etc. Should I feel guilty, worried, sorry for him?

I have tried to encourage him to contact his friends (or at least the one that is still out there), to spend more time with his family, to find something he would like to do out of the house without me, to seek counselling (according to him, he was bullied at school and I guess there all his insecurities are and he should really deal with those), I have shared my own experiences of being depressed and insecure and had no friends and hobbies and how much I improved after seeking help, getting over my issues and am now really enjoying my life for many years. But he has not taken any advice on board, saying he is happy as he is.

It would be fine, if I did not feel like I am restricted due to this. we have had many discussions about me pursuing my hobby and meeting friends etc, he is now in peace with these activities, but it has been exhausting for me. Last week we had an issue with me staying home alone during his family event (I haven't had a chance to be alone at home for months, so I really wanted it). I cannot imagine what would happen if I wanted to take up studying (I am already working full-time) or whatever comes along, which would again leave him alone byhimself. I cannot be the only thing that makes him happy. He always feels like I do not give him enough attention and spend enough time with him - which I do not agree.

Ok, I went off-topic. My question is - have you met such guys and do you believe they eventually find the love of their life? I want to ease my guilt somehow..

He sounds like a total drain. I couldn't be attracted to someone who didn't run their own social and professional life, make decisions and have some form of emotional life apart from me -- someone who has junked all friends because keeping up with them is too much trouble, and whose default mode was 'sitting in front of the TV waiting for me to come home' sounds more like a dependent pet than a fellow human being.

Not your problem, OP. You presumably wouldn't be leaving him if he wasn't like this.

But in answer to your question, yes, I do know a man quite like this. He was proposed to by a long-distance girlfriend who wanted to settle down and have children as she was getting older, and now they are married with two kids. She organises absolutely everything about their lives, does all child pick-ups and drop-offs, cooking, bills etc he's a workaholic who spends the majority of time in his study or playing computer games. He never leaves the house apart from to go to work. He's a doting but hands-off father who literally does nothing with his boys, apart from occasionally consulting on gaming. His idea of hell is the occasional weekend when his wife is away, and he has to amuse two children, feed them all meals, take them to swimming lessons normal parenting stuff.

He's in fact a very nice man in lots of ways, but very passive, and has opted out of life outside the family entirely. In many ways, it's puzzling that he opted to marry and have children, when it seems as if what he really wants is to live alone inside cast-iron routines with minimal responsibility. I always really hope his wife knew what she was getting herself into.

Stuffthinker My DP is one of the least bitter people I've ever met. He's very gentle. He's not mean about his old friends. He'd like to have friends, he tells me, but not enough that he actively tries to make any. And he doesn't try hard to get on with any of the husbands of my friends. But he never objects to me going out.

Just want to point out that my DH is nothing like th eone Parthenope describes either. he does all the ferrying of DC and loves their company. He just doesn;t want or seek company outside the family. We went to a local meeting tonight about an event being organised in our village and he was scowling as we left about how boring the people all were. But they were people with shared interests. He needs to give people a chance.

@OneStepMoreFun your guy sounds great. From what you describe, he does 'sound' a little subservient though. I'd argue that long term, it's hard to keep your OH buzzer going without a little passionate self-interest though.

MIL has been married to a man like this for 20 years. He's lucky to have found her...

Everyone is different - each to their own.

He sounds committed to you and doesn't treat you badly in any way from what you're saying.

Good luck moving on to the next 'bastard' who will no doubt have you complaining because he spends all his time with mates, treats you badly and doesn't give you enough attention.

@crestar whining and trying to control what the op does alone is not acceptable imo

Had one like this, no friends bar one overseas, not overly bothered about family. I ended up making all the decisions. Always asked him what he wanted to do but he always went with my preference even if there were a range of choices. He 'woke up' a decade later and didn't like where he was, had an affair and of course, it was my fault because I was 'so controlling'. I wouldn't resent that accusation had it not been so exhausting to be continually making the choices and execute them without assistance (more after children than before children admittedly). Have taught our children to ensure they make a conscious decision whenever presented with a situation that requires a choice.

I'm so confused now!
I'm not saying that he is a bad person per se. And that anyone with no friends or hobbies are bad. I was trying to find out whether there are people out there who are happy in relationship being like this. And I found out that there actually are. Thus, I guess I should let him free to find the true love.
However, I'm confused because due to some descriptions here I recalled some very good aspects and characteristics of my boyfriend so I keep thinking that maybe I should give him another chance. Maybe I should see my friends less (although I already see them only once or twice per month) and maybe I should cut down my hobby hours (it's currently twice a week plus additional rehearsals on average once per two months) and really concentrate on him.
However, I do not know what would I get out of this. I do not feel that he would then be capable of establishing a good emotional connection, ask about myself, show emotional interest in me. And it is something I am not sure how to "teach" to him. I also get tired of his negativity. He is rather neutral overall, but everyday I hear stories or opinions from him which include something like "they are so jealous/envious"; "they are so stupid/ugly/annoying" etc; he gets so annoyed and irritated about standing in queue, when people are restricting his way, when a dog crosses his path; when the computer is slow. I have tried to ask him why would he get so irritated and tried to tell him that there is no point in that; I've tried to show him other sides of the stories that it might not be all so negative. But this way he is unhappy because he thinks I never agree with him. But to me, it is so tiring to hear all this negativity all the time. At first, he even said very often things like "they are so annoying/ugly/whatever that I hope they get cancer/die/get an awful illness". I have told him it is awful to wish something like this to other people, now he has said something so horrible less.
I guess that if I really put my focus on him, I could perhaps improve it. But it is so exhausting!
On the other hand, I know that he is not a bad person and all I want for him is everything good and happy. But I'm tired of exhausting myself..

Yes I know I take the risk that the next one might be worse in other aspects. I'm terrified of this. I also take the risk of being alone all my coming life. This sounds a bit sad.

Shock horror. There are WOMEN who are like this too.

OP, you’ve posted about your partner and your unhappiness in exactly the same terms before — I didn’t search, I just remember the thread. The other thread went the same way from what I remember — you ended up defending him, and worrying that anyone else you went out with would be worse. What do you want us to say? Stay with this man, who despite his passivity, friendlessness, lack of emotional intelligence, neediness and lack of any signs of independent life, is not all that bad?

You’re deeply unhappy in this relationship, you’re no longer attracted to him, he shows no interest in you, and his pressure is making you consider curtailing your already minimal social life to suit him. Isn’t that enough reason to call it quits? But stop using ‘he’ll never find anyone else’ as an excuse. It’s not your problem.

"they are so annoying/ugly/whatever that I hope they get cancer/die/get an awful illness"
Sorry but he's not a good guy - this makes him a vile human being.
Stop analysing this so much.
He's not for you.
End it!
Do NOT and I mean, do NOT reduce your hobby or time with friends.
Not for a man - EVER!
Honestly OP - this is a complete no-brainer!!!

I know someone dating someone like this.
She does all the cooking though.
He lived with her after only a few months.
If he wasn't living with his parents it would be a different story.
So my issue is are relationships of convenient that good?

Ha @SkinnyPete at DH being 'subservient. He would be I guess if I were bossy. We're both realy placid, I think. I used to be very spiky and argumentative - raised in a fighty family, but I much [refer DH's laid back approach to life and have grown more like him. I do miss socialising though. I was very lonely for a long time. Took me ages to realise it was because most people round here socialise in couples and DH put people off. Now I just mix mainly with female friends in my own time. I do wish he'd do something with his life, but I can't make him. He hates being cajoled - he finds it bullying. He's a grown up, so I leave him to his own devices now, so long as he doesn't prevent me from having a life.

OP, my DH would never stop me seeing friends or get me to cut my hobbies down unless I was unfairly landing him with the bulk of childcare. If you don't have children then you are free to live as you please. It's not your job to provide him with company and entertainment 24/7.

Hmm I remember a recent thread of a man with a family, his DW complained he played golf three times a week and there was no time for couple or family time after work, housework and dC etc. Anyway the consensus was that he was a selfish twat who needed to grow up and cut down on hobbies. Here the consensus is that your DP is a controlling twat for wanting more. Interesting...

I do think that if your working full time and having two hobbies three times a week, that's six activities a week. I would struggle to maintain a family or relationship away for six activities a week. That been said it is important to have friendships and to socialise away from the relationship, hobbies are also important in moderation too. Basically you have to balance prioritising yourself and the relationship.