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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I needy? Need perspective please

31 replies

hifidelityhihihihi · 22/01/2019 18:57

Been seeing a guy for over a year and we get on well, met each others kids and they've met now too in the last few months. We don't really do a great deal together yet though, just don't want to rush things in that respect.

Although we're both free together one night midweek we don't always do something that night., often because he just wants to relax after work - fair enough. We both also have a second night free that doesn't coincide.

At the weekends we usually do something one evening and thats pretty much it, even though we are both free Sat and Sun night every other weekend. Again, he just wants a quiet night on the Sunday.

If I say anything he says he's entitled to a night in and that we just saw each other the night before, which makes me feel crap. He also says it's childcare that means we can't see each other that much but it's an active choice in my view. Am I expecting too much? What's normal for this stage? I was married for 15 years before, single for 2 before meeting him so I'm sure I'm not just slotting hm in where I left off but this just feels so confusing.

OP posts:
Asta19 · 22/01/2019 19:10

Ok, I think maybe you need to ask yourself what you want from this, where do you see it going? I would be like your partner because I don't want to live with anyone again and I value "me time" above all else. Neither of you is wrong or right but it just might be that you don't want the same things from a relationship. You maybe need to ponder your answer to that question first and then talk to him.

hifidelityhihihihi · 22/01/2019 19:19

Thanks, Asta, that's interesting. Would you be happy then with one/two evenings a week - nothing during the day at the weekend?

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 22/01/2019 19:27

If I had a weekend free and so did my boyfriend I'd hope that he wanted to spend at least half of it with me. I'd also think that the midweek night off could be spent together and feel sad if he didn't want to.

Parthenope · 22/01/2019 19:28

I agree with Asta. It depends entirely on what you want. There’s no general rule that you have to spend every free moment together unless it’s what both of you want. Are you wanting to move in together and blend your families in the near future? Does he feel quite differently?

hifidelityhihihihi · 22/01/2019 19:50

No, we're nowhere near that stage Parthenope. Our kids have only just met and that's not on my near future radar.

Its just that we literally just spend a couple of evenings together. In the past year and a bit we have spent the whole night together only a handful of times. So, its Saturday evening together, go home, then he wants the day to himself on Sunday to watch football and chill later.

Notanotman, yep, that's how I feel.

OP posts:
empa · 22/01/2019 20:01

Presumably you're sleeping together, does he get up and go home after sex when he could stay the night if he chose to?

TheProvincialLady · 22/01/2019 20:03

It doesn’t sound like he’s madly in love with you does it? Or maybe he is but his idea of expressing it is very different from yours. I wouldn’t be satisfied with so little time together but if you both are, that’s fine. If you aren’t on the same page and both unwilling to change - then you have a problem.

hifidelityhihihihi · 22/01/2019 20:09

empa, yes, pretty much.
He does tell me he loves me and we get on well when we're together, but no I don't feel bowled over...

Don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
Parthenope · 22/01/2019 20:19

But are you in love with him? He sounds as if he’s happy with the status quo, whether that’s because his feelings are far more tepid, or he does love you but also needs a lot of time alone — but it’s clearly not working for you..?

empa · 22/01/2019 20:21

I feel a bit sad reading that OP.

You sound normal to me, he sounds like a damp squib.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 22/01/2019 20:49

I think that your situations (childcare arrangements) obviously make it difficult as neither of you have much matching free time.
I also wouldn't be happy about too much interaction with all of the children together at this stage. But that isn't going to be forever is it so I don't think that's necessarily the problem here. If both of you wanted to spend more time together, knew you weren't able to right now, but was working towards that end goal together then that's a different story. It doesn't seem as though he's on that page with you.
I understand that everyone needs time to themselves to relax or wind down, I'm v precious about having my space and time to potter around in my own home alone so I get that . Once or twice a week, especially in your current situation, with young children etc, would be more than enough for me. However, taking that into consideration, I would expect more than just a couple of hours and a quick shag. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to perhaps spend some of the afternoon and evening with you on your free Saturday. Stay the night then go Sunday, maybe after breakie, to spend his Sunday doing what he chooses alone.
It all seems v convenient for him and from how you have described your discussions it doesn't sound like he wants to progress it any time soon.
I suppose you could try talking about it again, discover if he is prepared to explore possible solutions. But in your situation I would have a long think first. Have in your mind what kind of way you would like it to eventually go. Work out how you would expect some kind of solution/plan to look and be absolutely prepared to walk away if he can't offer that.

Asta19 · 22/01/2019 21:34

Yes I would be happy with the one or two evenings, that would be enough for me. But you are not at all in the wrong to want something more. But if he’s going home straight after sex, that’s pretty shitty. Even I would get pissed off with that! To that I would probably be saying “well no I don’t want sex with you if you’re going to leave straight afterwards because that doesn’t make me feel good”.

I totally agree with everything said by Alittlebitconfused. Get things straight in your own mind then talk to him. If he can’t/won’t meet your emotional needs, or at least come up with a reasonable/acceptable compromise then you’re better off without him.

LatentPhase · 22/01/2019 22:12

Ooh, no. You’re not needy.

No plans to move in with DP here either. Both have dc. But we spend most of our free weekends with each other. We hang out. It’s our relaxing time.

We don’t have a set routine for seeing each other but we do as much as we can. Because we both want to.

Going home after sex even though he doesn’t need to - for me that would hurt!

He does sound a bit of a damp squib. Or maybe doesn’t see your relationship like you do. It may be you need to find someone who wants what you want.

category12 · 22/01/2019 22:48

It doesn't sound like it's enough for you.

I wouldn't be happy with not sleeping together tbh. It's one of the nice things.

PolkaDoting · 23/01/2019 01:10

he's entitled to a night in

Oh be still my beating heart! He really knows how to turn on the romance doesn’t he?

Weezol · 23/01/2019 01:17

Going home after sex even though he doesn’t need to - for me that would hurt!

That would need to change immediately for me to continue the relationship.

He doesn't sound like he wants to be in a relationship - he seems to see you when he can't think of anything else he'd rather do.

Maya Angelou said "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/01/2019 01:22

Sounds like he lacks drive and passion where you’re concerned - I’d feel very flat in that situation. You’re not needy at all - he sounds quite withholding.

AgentJohnson · 23/01/2019 06:24

It’s not a case of ‘wanting too much’ but one of two people who want different things. Two years is long enough to be on the same page about spending time together, you’re not, so move on.

hifidelityhihihihi · 23/01/2019 15:53

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your replies, they've given me the perspective I need. I'd actually said to him I was a bit hurt he'd rather sin in on his own than see me when we were both free (as I said in my OP I think) and he said he was entitled to a night in. We didn't really speak the next day and yesterday we argued about it over text. He said he hasn't done anything wrong and that I'm having a go, but equally I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. I just feel a bit rejected and lonely on those nights. I'm not wanting to hit the town, just chill, relax together and chat or whatever.
We haven't spoken since yesterday.

OP posts:
Pigeonpies · 23/01/2019 16:27

Agree with others, leaving after sex when he has the option to stay sounds horrible. I’d feel completely used in that situation.

My partner and I don’t live together, have DCs from past relationships and we see each other every time we’re free. That includes a full weekend twice a month, we both get up and go to work on those days too. We do that because we want to spend as much time together ( been 2 years) and it doesn’t even occur to either of us that we wouldn’t spend that time together, we consider our relationship serious and we only live apart because we don’t want to move children in with each other etc....

It sounds like he might not see the relationship the way you do, and maybe doesn’t see a future worth investing in now.

Sorry but this won’t make you happy long term, you’ll always feel like you’re having to bargain with him for his time.

Find someone who wants you, and shows it.

Parthenope · 23/01/2019 17:38

Neither of you is doing anything 'wrong', you just have mismatched ideas about how much you see one another. I would say that ending it before you spend any more time feeling rejected is probably worth considering seriously -- who really wants to feel like they're nagging someone into seeing them more often?

fuddle · 23/01/2019 17:44

Your DP not wanting to spend much time with you is an insult. I'm sure you're great to be around, you deserve better. Do you think he has a problem with intimacy altogether. I went out with someone like you and in the end I finished it. I felt starved and glad I moved on. The trouble with a time limit is that you just start to feel comfortable again and they bugger off.

NameChangeNugget · 23/01/2019 17:54

Neither of you is doing anything 'wrong', you just have mismatched ideas about how much you see one another

This exactly, you are needier than him but, not needy per se.

Musti · 23/01/2019 17:59

I wouldn't be happy with that low level of contact when you have the choice to spend more time together. In my opinion it means that he's not that into you.

wishywashy6 · 23/01/2019 18:01

This really just comes down to compatibility and what you both want. It sounds like perhaps you're on different pages? Neither is right or wrong but if you're not happy then perhaps it's better to have a proper chat about what you're both wanting and where it's going?
Just to add some perspective I was with my exH for 14 years, 2 kids. Had a year single and I'm now with someone else. It's a relatively new relationship (6 months) and he doesn't have children and he hasn't met mine yet
I don't see him every time I have a child free evening as I've often got other things I want to do but we do usually spend my child free weekends together and at least one evening a through the week unless I've got something else planned. In all honesty, I know if I asked to spend every child free minute with him, he would.
We've openly talked about the future and both said we'd like this to progress into something long term but I don't feel any pressure to hurry things along and he's fine with the pace it's going. Communication is so important
I think the issue here is the way he's making you feel. Is there a reason you can't chill out together? My BF works long hours sometimes but on those nights he just comes over and we veg out together, I don't think he'd ever turn me down because he wanted a night in alone?
Don't settle for something that's making you feel rubbish, talk to him and if it's still clear you're not on the same page then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate if this relationship has a future

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