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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I needy? Need perspective please

31 replies

hifidelityhihihihi · 22/01/2019 18:57

Been seeing a guy for over a year and we get on well, met each others kids and they've met now too in the last few months. We don't really do a great deal together yet though, just don't want to rush things in that respect.

Although we're both free together one night midweek we don't always do something that night., often because he just wants to relax after work - fair enough. We both also have a second night free that doesn't coincide.

At the weekends we usually do something one evening and thats pretty much it, even though we are both free Sat and Sun night every other weekend. Again, he just wants a quiet night on the Sunday.

If I say anything he says he's entitled to a night in and that we just saw each other the night before, which makes me feel crap. He also says it's childcare that means we can't see each other that much but it's an active choice in my view. Am I expecting too much? What's normal for this stage? I was married for 15 years before, single for 2 before meeting him so I'm sure I'm not just slotting hm in where I left off but this just feels so confusing.

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 23/01/2019 18:08

You aren’t being needy, but your needs are clearly mismatched with his. The getting up and leaving after sex even when he doesn’t need to is really sad. Doesn’t that bother you? Does he initiate seeing each other or is it always left to you?

Changedname3456 · 23/01/2019 18:17

Going back home after sex - bit of a booty call type situation isn’t it? Doesn’t sound like he’s very committed to a relationship and it’s probably a good point to end things if you’re not enjoying it.

category12 · 23/01/2019 18:45

He hasn't done anything wrong as such, but the fact he'd rather have a night in on his own than see you is pretty gutting.

I'd call it a day.

hifidelityhihihihi · 24/01/2019 09:25

fuddle thanks, thats a lovely thing to say. I think he does have a problem with intimacy. Not into PDA much as he feels really uncomfortable with it but he does hug/handhold because he knows its something I like.
Musti that's what I'm beginning to wonder... but he says he loves me and wants to be with me.
Had a chat and aired my feelings regards time and staying overnight (which we have done a handful of times but I said I'm just not prepared to go on without this changing). He was quite taken aback when I told him how I felt, and I explained I expect more at this stage in terms of commitment, that it was actually quite boring for me to have a full free weekend and only a few hours to spend together and unsustainable. I mean I do other things with my friends but I want a normal adult relationship that feels solid, and I told him that.
He confessed he hasn't really thought about it and acknowledged that everything I was saying rang true, but was a bit defensive as he felt I was slagging him off - I tried not to do it like that but I suppose that's understandable. He said he's never gone into a relationship making plans for the future or thinking about where it was going but rather just let things go where they will type of thing.

I told him he needs to decide if he is happy with the status quo or wants to step up a bit.

I've decided its not for me as is. You have all been really helpful and insightful showing me a range of views. I wonder if its true that if you have to have the conversation, you already know the answer? Leopards and their spots and so on... I'm beginning to think he is just lazy actually. Anyway we've agreed to talk later so will see how I feel then.

Thanks to all of you x

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 24/01/2019 09:47

@hifidelityhihihihi sometimes you just need to talk things through rationally, make your feelings clear but without attacking him and listen to how he's feeling too.
I genuinely want to spend as much time with my BF as possible as I love his company (obviously not at the expense of my other relationships with friends and family so yes we both do things away from each other) and he's made it more than clear he feels the same. I feel like we're on the same page so it feels secure and happy.
I think that's the main issue here, only one party is happy with the set up of the relationship - and it seems to all be on his terms. Hopefully your chat will help, let us know how you get on Smile

fuddle · 30/01/2019 18:45

Who doesn't enter into a relationship without categorising it in someway ? Not ever thinking about a future in a relationship is wishy washy to say the least.

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