Talking about sex in a new relationship

[WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis]

At what stage in a new relationship would you 'discuss' sex? I read a lot on here about talking about sex before it happens and, to be honest, aside from 'flirting', I've never discussed it with anyone I don't think! Not because I am uncomfortable about it but because I just don't know how to bring it up

I've met someone new and, whilst we're not at that stage yet, I'm not sure at what stage it should come up. Or what to say.

I'd really like to do it 'properly' this time.

Got to be honest, I don't know what you mean by 'discuss sex'?

Like boundaries?

Unless there's something specific, I don't usually discuss stuff beforehand.

Well I don't know! I just feel like I keep reading comments on here suggesting it's what should happen.

Maybe boundaries...

I don't know, I've never 'discussed' it before either!

Talking about having sex in the future we discussed a bit during first few dates, where we agreed to take things slowly. (Meaning sex, but without spelling that out.) Then a few weeks later when it made sense for me to stay at his but we were both a bit pissed, before we went back there we spelled out “just sleeping over, no sex”. Then a few weeks later again we realised during texts that there was potential for a weekend away together and I then rang him and said “sorry if this comes across as unromantic but before we book it I want to talk about contraception and other practicalities”.
Talking about sex is more awkward (for me at least) than just having sex, but I do think the sex is better if some aspects have been discussed in advance.

Not sure I've ever discussed it. But I'm not sure I've ever read on here that anyone else has either so not sure if I'm misunderstanding what you mean by discuss? What type of discussion? I discuss sexual things before doing them. But there's no specific discussion before PIV for the first time. I'm not sure I've ever waited for more than equivalent of 1-2 dates so not sure where the discussion would fit in.

Before PIV I wanted to talk about my worries and concerns (only 1 other partner) and how it may take a while for me to be 'ready'. We also both agreed to be tested, just in case.

After a few times we discussed the "What if something goes wrong" and made sure we were on the same page RE: emergency contraction and accidental pregnancy.

From a few months we talked about likes/dislikes. We often discuss things afterwards, especially if something new has happened!

Hope this helps! x

I suppose you should feel comfortable discussing it if you need or want to for any specific reason, but I'm not sure it's necessary as a matter of course. It's certainly not something I've ever done. As long as all adults who potentially want to have sex make sure they are taking care of contraception and are mindful of the need for enthusiastic consent from their partner, I don't really know what else you'd need to talk about.

Ok cool. That's fine. I suppose I just wondered if there was some 'grown up' conversation I should be having that I'm failing to have!

I've seen people on here talking about discussing boundaries, porn, getting tested, and the old favourite "you shouldn't be having sex if you're not prepared to talk about it..."

I have no issues once in a sexual relationship talking about what I do/don't like and will/won't do but I've never talked about it before hand - it's happened and then that's it!

This is interesting to me.
I don't wanna discuss it until it naturally comes up.
But you never quite know when that might be.
When dating someone completely new.
Sometimes I just think no it's not going that way.
Or if I'm not feeling the kisses run a mile.

I haven't had much experience in the past so I'm always wary of getting sexual.
I just feel it could all go wrong.
So I have to discuss when asked.
I just day few partners and never met right person so want to go slow.
Hard to find anyone to get to that stage itself.

I know what you mean. Kind of in the same situation, not knowing exactly how much to say or if to raise it or hint at it.. At about three dates in I said I wasn't ''there yet'' and in the context of what we'd been chatting about he knew what I meant. Now a good few dates have passed and I'm wondering is the onus on me to say ''right I'm ready now'' or do I wait for him to ask.

I also associate sex with it all going pear shaped.

OP, how many dates have you been on?
NOt that that has been a good measure for me in the past. I like to know that if I ring the man he'll be happy to take my call, even if it's just to say 'hi'' and arrange to call later. That has been a good yardstick for me lately after getting it wrong in the past. Sounds simple but the ones who were delighted that I rang were ones who I could trust so now, even if I'm a bit nervous I make myself ring them occasionally. Just so I know.
I have so much history with sex being the death knell though.

I think discussing sex drives is also a really good idea.

You read about so many woman on here with high drives, who are frustrated & it destroys relationships

My experience is the same as Somerville. I'll spell out that I don't want to have sex, until I do, then it'll go something like :

Him: you could stay over after dinner if you like
Me: yes I'd like to. Not to be presumptuous but do you have condoms at home?

If I'm not comfortable with him enough to say that, I'm not comfortable enough to stay over.

I love the phone call litmus test! How clever. From past experience, I think it would also help weed out the secretly married and emotionally unavailable too.

I too associate sex with everything going pear shaped. My last partner lied about liking me and wanting a relationship, over a period of months, just to get me into bed (he actually admitted this when confronted).

I've never discussed it 🤷🏼‍♀️
I came out of a 14 year relationship and went into OLD .... anyone who attempted discussing it immediately bored me.
I've been with my bf 6 months now but we never discussed anything, I just jumped on him on our 2nd date 😬
No idea if that constitutes doing things properly but we're happy 😊

I’ve always discussed it. I basically say that I find them attractive, want to have sex with them but not yet, and then on to contraception, safe sex and testing.

Well, we've been on a couple of dates. There's been a bit of flirting and we've both said we fancy the other, so that's all fine, and there's been no attempt at 'sexting' or any 'sexual' talk at all - which is quite refreshing!

I think the sex drive one is quite an important thing to talk about because I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted it a lot more or less than me. I suppose it's just bringing it up that I'm not sure about - how to broach it in the first place Maybe that's what I'm really asking!

I also wouldn't want to wait for too long - I'd rather find out sooner than later that we were sexually incompatible generally - I'm too old for bad sex and he's too old to change.

I wouldn't feel like someone had 'tricked' me to get me into bed - at this stage, I have no expectations of happily ever after so if all it turned out to be was good sex then so be it.

Jungian If he's considerate and respectful (which you'd hope!) it might be on you now to say when you're ready. He might not want you to feel that he's pressuring you by bringing it up again.

I would normally say second date if you feel the chemistry is right. What to discuss? Condoms. And for me oral too. Because for me it’s a deal breaker. If someone is not going to go down on me, I want to know before I waste my time.

I just take things as they come. Basically all vanilla, unless some one wants something specific, which will be yes or no as it comes up. But I wouldn't sleep with anyone until I was comfortable with them and things had progressed that far, whether that be one night or a month

Starlight I agree! But how do you bring it up!

That makes sense, sizzle

@WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis that's what I found so attractive about my BF after experiencing so many desperate creeps online!! He was a complete gentleman and never once attempted sexting or anything.
It was clear after our first date that we fancied each other and I ended up dragging him out of the cinema on our 2nd date and back to mine
There was certainly no discussion about it though 😬

For a few reasons, I'm not going to see him for a couple of weeks but, when we do next see each other, there will definitely be the opportunity for sex whether or not it is taken.

So all our communications are via messaging at the moment - I don't talk on the phone. Is it appropriate to discuss in this way or is it always better in person?

If someone is not going to go down on me, I want to know before I waste my time.

This made me laugh. Also, reading it made me remember a flirtatious text conversation with (now) DH, when I basically checked his opinion on cunnilingus. Though not so directly!